Well, tomorrow's the RE appointment. I'm nervous, excited, and dreading it all at the same time. It's just emotional thinking about going because I never wanted to do this. Today also marks 40 months of officially TTC. Even before that, there were periods where I went off the pill for months at a time and never got pg. Joe is going with me, and I am glad he actually stepped up and got off work so he could come. At the same time, I hope I can talk freely enough with the doctor about everything. I can be quite shy and sensitive even around Joe. I did take a step of faith in the last week and ordered three pictures frames for a baby. I will use two of them as the means to tell Dee and Nancy that I'm pregnant when that happens. On the top they say, "God bless this baby" and on the bottom they say, "For this child I prayed" and give the scripture reference. One is for us too. I think I will take a picture of my positive pregnancy test and put it in the frame to give to them when I get pregnant. Then, I could update it with ultrasound pictures until the baby is born and we can put a real picture in there. Those two girls have prayed with me so much about a baby, and it will be fitting for them to have a frame that says, "For this child I prayed." It warms my heart just to think about it, and I pray that it happens very soon. I think I may be Oing soon. I started having some pain on the left side yesterday, and I had quite a good bit of sharp pains on that side again for a while this afternoon. I hope they were O pains and I hope we can BD tonight!
The RE visit was good and bad. I really liked the doctor and the nurse. Both seemed very kind. She did a vaginal ultrasound today and said my uterine lining looked good but that my follies were too small and that I won't ovulate. I was definitely disappointed. They did blood work too, and if it goes like they think, they will call in Femara and some med with a "D" name tomorrow for me to start taking. I'll have to go in Wednesday for them to see if it's working. She also made a point about me doing IUIs. I had not planned on that being an option, but she talked like I may not respond consistently to meds and that we need to make the most of all the cycles. It will double the chance of pregnancy in a cycle. She said it's $420, but that seems cheap from what I've heard. She also wants to do an HSG the next time I get AF. I don't have to get it to take Femara though. I think that's about it. I'm not sure how to feel right now, but I know in my Beth Moore Bible study tonight, she said to praise God for what we lack. Wow! I praise You Lord with all of my being that You give and You take away. I praise you for the lack of pregnancy and children, because I know Your plans are oh so much better than mine, and it will happen in Your time!
It's been two weeks since my RE visit, and all hasn't gone according to my hopes/plans. The bloodwork they did showed that my estrogen level was 105 and it needed to be lower than 75. So, they wanted me to take prometrium for 10 days. However, I already had provera, so that's what I took. I wanted to take it for 5 days because that's what I've always done, but they said 10. I saw some pink spotting tonight, and I hope AF comes in tomorrow because I'm afraid I'm going to run into the Women of Faith conference when I may need to go in for an ultrasound. Yet again, God is showing me that things don't work according to my calendar or plan. Dee keeps telling me, "It's not your calendar." I'm getting that, but it's oh so hard. I guess I'll update this thread again in a day or so if AF shows and when I talk to the RE's office about what we're going to do when. I'm really hoping they don't want an HSG this month-that scares me!
I spotted just a tad on Tuesday, there was nothing Wednesday, and it was all day on Thursday before there was more spotting. However, AF is here today. It's light with some brown and red. I called the RE and they want me to go in for an ultrasound and blood work on Monday to make sure it's okay for me to start the Femara that day. I'm taking a sick day then. We'll wait and see...
Well, it's time for an update. Sometimes I forget I have this journal. I went in the Monday after my last post and the b/w and u/s were fine so I did start the Femara on cd4. I started taking the tests for my fertility monitor on cd 9 and I started OPKs on cd11 I think. Well, everyday I've had a low reading on monitor, but this week I got 2 positive OPKs. My temp dropped too and I had EWCM, so I think I may have Oed. I should know tomorrow after I temp and hopefully it will go up a little more to show O. I don't know why my monitor has been low though. I think I have a decent chance of pregnancy, so we'll see.
Additionally, I won't be going back to the RE anyway because it was going to cost a minimum of $950 a month and quite possibly more. Even if I had that kind of extra money every month, I would save it for adoption. We don't do debt, so credit cards/loans are out of the question.
After my last post I ended up with more pos OPKs and three days of high readings on my fertility monitor before it went back to low. If I Oed it was on Oct. 12. I had b/w for my progesterone this morning, and I should know tomorrow if I did O. Unfortunately, my temperatures do not show O. Unless I actually Oed and got pregnant, this is probably a closed door on our TTC journey-at least for now. I've been praying that God would close either the TTC door or the adoption door. We've pretty much run out of medical and financial options for TTC, so He may be shutting that door. That's fine with me because I've known for a good while that I want to adopt whether we have biological children or not. I don't think the biological children door is permanently shut, but maybe just for this time. Even in the midst of the loss I feel over my fertility, God has given me peace that only comes from Him.
The progesterone test was 2.5, so it did not show ovulation. However, a few days later, my period started! I think I probably had a weak ovulation. Either way, we are no longer actively TTC. We are completely pursuing adoption now, so I will be beginning an adoption journal. We won't be preventing pregnancy, so we'll just see what God has in store for us. I'm thankful for all who have read through my journal and prayed for us-keep it up!