For The Greater Good

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MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13
For The Greater Good

I've been deciding for days if I should start one of these or not, but it seems like a good idea to have all my thought, worries and wishes in one place.

Story so far...

I'm 29, Hubby is 38. Married for almost 5 years. We knew we wanted kids even before we were married but waited to have all our ducks in a row( pay off the car, buy a condo, get health insurance) to start trying. Finally this past June everything fell into place( got that health insurance) and we decided to start TTC.
I made a dr. app. in early July. My menstrual cycle was out of wack for years. First thing dr. said to me( without barely looking at me) was "you're not ovulating". This made me worried but also gave me some hope that I don't have some unusual undiagnosable problem.
Dr. said that I most likely have PCOS , so I had to do some blood tests and U/s. Dr gave me bc pills to restart my period, and he put me on 50mg of Clomid.
That month I had the worst period, I lost so much blood that I passed out and ended up in the emergency room. Of course with all that there was no ovulation that month.
Next month no AF.
So again mid September I go back to dr. office, he gives me some progesterone pills (Prometrium) to start the period, and ups my Clomid to 2 a day.
That month I had a perfect 28 day cycle, with day 16 O.
October was uneventful, so uneventful I didn't even O.
AF didn't show up in November or December.
I took a break from all the dr. app, pills, counting days and peeing on strips over the holidays.
I'm starting anew in a new year. First thing was going to see the dr.
He said my uterus feels enlarged(like in someone who has had children already), so he send me to do pregnancy blood test.
Test came negative ( I knew it would but i was still hoping that maybe I was pregnant ) so I started progesterone pills again for 10 days ( day 5 today, can't wait to finish them , i get so loopy from them), and also I started metformin for my PCOS.
Hopefully this will do it to start ovulating and finally catch one of those eggs.
If not next step is infertility specials.
Hopefully everything will work out and we'll have a little bundle of joy by the end of this year.

The worst part of all this was not all the poking and proding, all the pill taking and their side effect, but lack of understanding of people around me. Everybody is telling me to relax and let it happen. I hate that nobody seems to understand that there is a real problem I'm dealing with and that it is not all in my head. I hate the advice like "oh you need to work on a baby for at least 2 years" from women who have had kids one after the other.
My friends keep announcing their pregnancies, and it's such a source of conflict for me. On one hand I am so happy and excited for them, but that dark side in me gets so jealous and almost mad. Why them and not me? It's hard not having anybody to talk about it. Every time I bring it up I get either "don't worry. it will happen" or " don't feel that's not good for you". I still haven"t mastered that "don't feel that way" part, it's like trying not to feel hungry when you haven't had anything to eat in 3 days.

In any case, I am trying to be positive, I take my medication, I drink my "fertility tea"(cinnamon and mint-my boss swears by it), I take my vitamins and have fun with my hubby Wink

2010 is our baby year Smile

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13

Sunday- some brown spotting( very little)
Tuesday- brown spotting in the morning(again very little), some red spotting at night
Wednesday- upping the dose of glucophage to 2 a day.

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13

Official CD 1. Here we go.
Stopped with progesterone last night, AF is here no doubt about it.
Starting with Clomid on Saturday.

Fingers crossed

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13

I love my mom, i think she is one strong and smart and all in all awesome woman, but...I don't think she truly understands what i am going through. I know that she means well and wants to help but she is making me feel so missunderstood about this whole TTC process. I am so tired of hearing how she also had irregular periods yet she had two kids yeah but she had he two kids in early 20(one of them an unplaned surprise). I am so sick and tired of hearing stories about all these women who where trying so hard and once the relaxed, lost weight, stopped thinking about it so hard, got pregnant in no time and now have tons of kids. She doesn't understand that these stories just make me feel worse...why can't I just relax and magicly get pregnant ? It"s been 10 years now that i wanted to be a mom. I wanted to make my husband a father( i know he will be absolutely awesome dad) and now that everything is ready and in order I can do it.
I feel that every time i open about what my fears and feelings are, I get the same" oh you're making it bigger problem then it actually is" answer.
It's such a catch 22 i have this need to talk about this, and then when i do i feel even worse.
I Just need to RELAX. ha!
I am so hoping this is my month. I stared charting my temp, i am on metformin and i finished my clomid for this cycle so i just need one good egg and i am set to go.
I am going to put all these bad emotions behind me(now that i have written them down so they are not bouncing in my head) and continue with BDing, hoping and praying for a BFP around Valentine's.

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13

I am so confused about this cycle. According to the BBT I have ovulated on CD 10, but my CM was fertile CD 13-18. I'm also using opks. They were all very negative(you could see only control line) untill CD 17 when i got dark test line( but it wasn't as dark as control line- still it was darkest i ever got). I kept getting two lines CD 17, 18, 19. Haven't tested today.
Did i actually O'd on CD 10 or is there a chance that I might O in next day or two or will this be the cycle without O?
Last week I had some weird pain in my lower stomach. It didn't really fewl like menstrual cramps but as if my uterus was sore. On Sunday(cd 18) I had this weird pinching pain in my right ovary. Today my boobs hurt, not really bad, but there are some ackes and pains. I don't know if any of this means anything. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it. It seems I'm extra aware of every of every pain, pinch and cramp.
This can't go on for much longer. Something has to show up -BFP or AF. I'm rooting for BFP

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13

So FF has decided that maybe I ovulated on CD 20, which seems more likely considering other possible signs. I have been obssessing over my chart for days, trying to figure out if and when did I ovulate. For a week now I have been able to relax a little bit. There is nothing else I could have done. Now I'm either pregnant ( fingers crossed) or new cycle is just around the corner. Then I can start obssessing again. I have decided to do a test this sunday , which would put me at 12DPO. I know that might be too early, but I can't wait any longer.
As far as symptoms go my boobs have been sore w/weird ackes and pains for a week now. Have been feeling super tired and sick for last 2-3 days, but all of that might be PMS.
I have been having baby/ pregnancy/BFP for couple of days now. Hopefully dreams will become reality soon.

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13

Phooey! AF is here today Sad I have been having some spotting for last two days but tried to ignore it, as if it was just a mistake. There is no mistake today, AF is here. I feel so yucky, mentally and physically. Gotta be positive though, new cycle new hope, right?
I'm starting with Clomid either Tues., or Wend. Hopefully it will work. This was last refill, and I'm afraid my Dr. will not want to put me on more clomid but refer me to see a specials. Which really isn't and option for us right now. aargh! no bad day at the time. Happy thoughts!Happy thoughts!Happy thoughts! November baby sounds nice doesn't it Smile

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13

Haven't written in a while...This cycle has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions. I have been up feeling really positive and optimistic, and I have been down, miserable, depressed and crying. So many thought and emotions. It has been rough.
I don't know where I am right now or where I am going. I don't think I ovulated yet this cycle ( and pretty I'm sure it ain't happenin' soon). Don't know where to go or what to do know. I guess I am waiting either for + ( highly unlikely) or for AF( little worried that it won't show up for weeks or months again). Dr. said if nothing happens on 3 months of clomid+metformin to see a specials.I've done cl+mf for 2 months now, I don't know if I will get another prescription for clomid. I know I should see infertility specialist but insurance will not cover it, and we just don't have the means for it now.
I am hoping that maybe I can go on a little "vacation" from Clomid and try again in couple of months. Don't know yet. I guess I will make an appointment with Dr. and see what (if anything) can be done.
I am scarred that maybe this dream will not become a reality for me. I am trying to somehow prepare myself for that possibility. It is breaking my heart little by little.

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13
CD8/ April 29

Ok, so I haven't updated this thing in weeks( feels like months). I was thinking about writing stuff down but never did. If I was feeling crummy I didn't want to add on to my misery by writting about it, and if I was happy and positive I didn't want to jinx it.
There has been a sort of click in my head and this TTC journey doesn't seem like such life or death situation( I am very aware that this might be very temporary and I might lose myself in the dark and depressive thoughts). I still very much want a baby, and with my big 3-0 bday just around the corner I do feel like I'm slowly but surely running out of time, but there is somewhat of a calm in me about it. Maybe that's the faith everybody keeps talking about.
Last cycle was really hard. I have been putting all my hopes in it. I thought this is it, it's now or never. And when by day 30 I haven't O'd, I got so depressed. There have been day when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and stare at the wall, and there have been days where I was fighting tears from the moment I woke up.
So day 30 came and went- no O or AF, day 40 came and went still nothing, day 50- same story. I don't really know I haven't called the dr. by that time. I kept postponing it. And the on day 51 or 52 I started to have watery CM. I was surprise but not very hopefull. Started testing anyway. Then on day 55 according to FF I O'd. I was doing the O tests, and have gotten pretty dark line day 56( forgot to test on day 55). So that kind of gave me some hope that maybe there is some hope for me. I don'tnthink this O happened because of Clomid. I have taken it day 3-7 of cycle and i ovulated on day 55.
I thought charting wad little crazy but now I don't know how I could have imagened TTC without it. I learned that my luteal faze is 11 or 12 days long. So now I actually can predict when AF might be comming.
Have a dr app next Monday. Iam almost out of Metformin. Have to see if he wants me to continue with it and what my options are. Now I have ton if questions for him. I feel like I was going blind into TTC, and now I feel like I am taking charge of it. Doing all I can. Makea me feel good.
On another note. About 6 weeks ago I have started this lifestyle adjustment( lets not call it a diet). I have stared to eat smarter, cut out soda ( oh the sweet bubbles of pepsi how I miss you!) and juices, cut way way back on sweets and snacks. Trying to eat more veggies, less carbs. Just being smarter about what goes in. Started riding bike 40 min every other day( can't wait for pool season). Since I stared I lost 11 lb. I am very happy. I am very close to reachin my mini goal of being under 200. I would love to reach 180, and ultimate goal would be 160( highschool weight). I know tht for some people 160 is too much, but I 'm being realistic. I will never be skinny, and I am truly ok with that. Being round and soft is nothing to be ashamed about. I just want to be able to become pregnant, and to have healthy babies.
So that's all for now I guess. One more work day and then DH and I are on vacation. Instead of relaxing we're remodeling. Yeey! Very excited aboutbit actually. Hubby is taking me away to the shore for 2 days( leaving in the morning comming back next night), can't keep cat alone for longer. Maybe this cycle we get lucky. Stranger things have happened. Smile

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13
CD 67/June27

Ha! I haven't written in 2 months and I'm still on the same cycle. I don't know whether to laugh or cry about it.
Last time I saw the dr. he took a peek 2 my BBT charts, said "great you're ovulating, here some more Clomid, you're young don't worry much about it, it will happen".Well he said it more doctor like and reassuring but that was the jist of it. This cycle I have not taken the Clomid( it was too late to take it by the time I got some more). Dr offered to give me some Prometrium to restart my period so I could take Clomid, but I decided to just go with it "naturally". Actually I was afraid that if I start messing with it, my cycles might get messed up again. So my cycles are 67-68 days what's a big deal.
Today I am 10 DPO, was expecting some spotting today and tomorrow, then AF on Tuesday. No spotting so far. I peed on a stick this morning -BFN Sad Even though I didn't have any symptoms I was hopping I was PG. Some delusional part of me is still hopping I might be.
If I'm not hopefully AF is just around the corner so we can try again.
Now that I am pretty sure that I am ovulating( even though it is sooooo late in the cycle) I find other things to worry about. Is my luteal phase long enough? why are my temps so low(in 96+ pre O, 97+ post O). Reading about TTC and fertility makes it easier to deal with it all, but then on the other hand the more I know the more thing I worry about. It is hard to find that balance.
I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" . It wasn't what I thought it would be, I felt that I already learned all about BBT charting on so there wasn't any new info for me.
Went little crazy and ordered 3 more books "Fertility, Cycles & Nutrition: How Your Diet Affects Your Menstrual Cycle and Fertility", "Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility" and "Fertility and Conception: A Complete Guide to Getting Pregnant".
Maybe there's some new and interesting info in there.

Even though I am not pregnant yet, I got a crib, dresser and whole bunch of baby stuff this week. My boss was getting rid of all her baby stuff and asked me if I wanted it. Even though I think it is crazy to start getting stuff before pregnancy, it would be even crazier to miss the chance to get some really nice things. Really nice and barely used things.Bringing all these things home, made me ache little more for a bundle of joy but now that I stashed it all away things are back to normal.

On the weight front... things are going good. I have lost 23 lb so far. Yeey for me if I may say so.:D Weight loss slow down in last couple of weeks. Will get serious about it again.
I got to my first mini goal of being under 200, now I'm striving to get to 180. But then again I will not be terribly upset if weight starts going up because of being PG. I will accept that kind of weight gain with open arm.

I guess that would be it. 2 of my friends are due next month, but it looks like one of them might hurry and have her baby girl any day now. I am very happy and excited for them. Sent them some presents for the babies. Hopefully they like them and enjoy them (presents, I KNOW they will love and enjoy their babies;) )

One last side note. I have Dr app (yearly exam) July 13. Have to think of more questions for the Dr.

Now I'm done for real.

MMMartina's picture
Joined: 12/17/09
Posts: 13

Thursday July 1st, 2010 BFP!!! :wootjump: