Jacob is just over a year. He is such a special gift. I love his personality and his drive and determination. He also loves other kids. I would really love to have a little brother/sister (preferably sister) for him someday soon. He was hugging a teddy bear the other day and saying "Aww." He got this from me.
I'm still breastfeeding Jacob. We're down to 3-4 times a day. Some days it seems like he doesn't need it, other days he demands it. At night, he's gone for up to 11 hours without bfing, but it's mostly 9-10 hours now. With as little as he's feeding, I still haven't gotten my menstral cycle back. I know it's possible to get pregnant without it, but it's one of timing things and I've never really been good at that. So, in the meantime, I'm watching my "fertile signs" when I go to the bathroom and hopefully it will all turn soon as I don't want to wean Jacob completely for a baby that may not be conceived for a few months.
I've joined the TTC:Just Let it Happen board, but I kinda feel like a fraud because I can't try to conceive with no fertility. I'm sure it's just like finding the one you want to spend the rest of your life with in that it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. That seemed easy, though. DH and I met and knew we were going to get married within a week.
I've seen so many women on my birth board get pregnant. I swear it's like someone new every 2-3 weeks. The TTC board, though, has had 2, maybe 3 in the last 3 months. Why is that?
Still no AF, but there may be signs of returning fertility. (fingers crossed, holding breath... or maybe it's just my imagination )
Two more women on my boards got BFP's. I'm so happy for them, but I almost don't want to read their posts of good news. Anything that has a subject "good news" or something similar is followed by me holding my breath as I open the post. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I'm just in a funk right now.
I know many women that have been trying hard for so long and I've only just decided since November that I want to TTC. If I could take the TTC journey one month at a time, it would probably be way easier. However, a part of me is still holding on to the hope that even though I'm still bfing (only 3-4 times per 24 hours), my body will turn my fertility back on full speed and I will ovulate with full fertility signals and I will be able to catch the egg before AF arrives. It must be the control freak in me guiding me to chase this ghost of a plan.
I've been cheering on my fellow TTCers on the Just let it Happen board. It's not that I want to see them leave, but some of them SO VERY MUCH deserve to get a BFP. I'm getting to be a pretty good cheerleader lately.
Ya know how there's a saying about "the old ball and chain"? Well, I've got my very own version of the ball and chain. It's the breastpump (er, pump and flange... doesn't have the same ring, does it?). I've been working on weaning myself from it during the day for the last two weeks. I wait and wait and wait but end up in a painful engorgement and I have to go pump. It's kinda like a game, how long can I make it. Yesterday I made it to 4 pm. Today, only 1:30 pm. Jacob hardly nursed at all this morning and didn't nurse all last night (yay!) and that is why I was in pain at 1 pm.
The reason I bring this up on the TTC journal is because this is one of the things that's standing between me and fertility. If I could knock out the mid-day pump I'd only have 2-3 times during the day when I get stimulated and thus prolactin is produced and thus estrogen is blocked. They say that prolactin has a 3-4 hour shelf life. All I need is a little more time for estrogen to get going and then it can start up my cycle and I can get back to being a reproductive woman.
I'm less irritable than I used to be. Hmm... maybe I'm in the calm pre-ovulation days. I remember having periods and I remember there were up days and down days. Lately I feel like I'm in the down (read: calmer) days. For the last year I feel like I've been steady. Steady in attitude and steady in hormone level. I've been mean to DH with my attitude and I tend to have little patience. This may also be due to the lack of sleep which has gotten better lately. DS is sleeping though the night 3 days of the week. This helps tremendously.
I'm trying to think of this break in fertility as a break for me so I can catch up and find myself between kids. Like, I said "I'm trying." It's not so easy, though. Everyday I look at Jacob and think Where did my little baby go? He's so big now. He's so much fun, but I miss the sleeping baby in my arms.
Indifferent may be a word to describe me today. I've kinda given up on the idea of TTCing. I don't know if it will ever work, if I'll ever get my fertility back.
I went to the store and bought a head of cabbage to try to help with the engorgement issues while keeping DS occupied so that he doesn't want to nurse. Cabbage is AMAZING for like 5 minutes. Then, it starts to literally cook in your bra from the extra body heat given off by the swollen tissue. I can still smell it even though I haven't worn any for 3 or 4 hours.
I have been a crab today. I've been terrible. Everything that comes out of my mouth is mean-spirited. What gives. I just can't seem to control it. I've been spending most of the day just trying to keep my mouth shut because everything is more peaceful then.
I was reading in TCOYF last night. She mentions how it really helps if the husband assists in charting. I am 90% certain that my DH would not participate. If I asked him to he might but only as long as necessary to shut me up and not because he wanted to. I'd love if he read the book with me, but I know that's a pipe dream. He's just "too cool for school." It really bugs me, but if I told him about how much it bothered me he would tell me that I'm just being silly and it's not that big a deal. Yeah, right. Men!
I don't feel as crabby today as I did yesterday. Still no no change, no ewcm, no AF, still producing like a cow even though DS is not drinking like a calf.
No change - guess I've got a little more time to work on my "poor me" attitude. I don't think I could take hearing about someone else's BFP today unless it were one of my TTC girls. I may have to make myself scarce for a little while.
du-du-doo "Another one bites the dust." Er, I mean another one gets two lines...
Another lovely lady from the TTC:JLIH board got a BFP. That's two this week! We are on a roll. Who's next? Me, Me, Me please!
Well, I took a day off from this journal (partly because I left work early because I was sick). I spent about 2 hours just playing with DS and I feel much less crabby and pessimistic today (still sick though). I'm taking sudafed. This may be the reason that I actually noticed cf today. It wasn't clear, but it was stringy (maybe tmi). I'm hoping this is the start of something good: AF or O. Please wish that the cf sticks around for me.
Jacob is down to nursing twice a day now. And, my body (read: my bbs) have adjusted to meet this schedule FINALLY! It's amazing how much better one feels when they're bbs are swollen and throbbing.