Hoping to conceive one more little blessing! (m/c and kids ment)

Here I am, once again waiting out those few weeks before we can begin TTC our last little blessing. It's been a rough 6 months, but I'm optimistic that the future will hold great things for me and my family.

My name is Holly and I'm 25 years old. I met my husband in 2003, and we were married June 18, 2005. Shortly thereafter we were blessed with a daughter, Addison Lynn (6.1.2006). She was such a good baby, very mellow and easy going. When she turned 9 months old, we decided we wanted to try for another little baby and we were blessed with another daughter, Lauryn Rae (11.29.2007). Lauryn is very different from her sister. She was colicky from the beginning and is very clingy and fussy. However, when she's happy, she's so sweet!

We began our TTC journey in December of 2008. After 3 long, wacky cycles I got my BFP on February 23. I was due Nov. 8, and both my husband and I were so excited. On April 8 our excitement turned to disappointment as I discovered that our little "lovebug" has stopped growing and had no heartbeat. I was devastated.

I had an S&C and four weeks later I thought I had gotten my period. We were on track to start TTC again. Two weeks after my cycle had started, I started bleeding heavily. I was scared and taken to the hospital where they determined that during the first S&C they had left behind some tissue. On May 28 I had a second S&C and am now recovering. I feel a sense of peace now and am looking forward to the time we are able to TTC again. We know that we have an angel above looking over us.

Today has been a fairly good day. I *think* I'm done bleeding from the S&C, so now I'm just waiting for my period to return. When I had my second surgery, my hcg level was at a 10, so I'm hoping it went back down fairly quickly. The sooner it goes down, the sooner AF will return. I am just worried that my periods will be screwy.

Before I got pregnant with my angel, my periods were really messed up. I would bleed for 5-7 days pretty consistently and then spot for 2-4 more days. I would also ovulate really late in my cycle...CD20 or later. I used to be a 28 day cycle girl Oing on CD14 and only having AF for 5 days...so the periods I had been having were very different. I had decided that if I was not pregnant at the end of February that I would make a call to my OB and ask her about them. Well, I ended up pregnant, so I held off on asking her about it. I wonder if my screwy periods had anything to do with the m/c, but I guess I will never know.

At my appointment last week after we discussed having my second S&C, I asked her when we would be able to try again. She said that once my period returned, we could start right away. I asked her about my periods and she said that it wasn't normal for them to be that way...so my plan of action is to wait for AF to return. I'll keep track of my period and if it's a normal one, then we'll TTC. If it's screwy like before I'll call her right away. I'm also going to mention it to her when I go in next week for my 2 week follow-up. I just want to be on top of everything to try my best to have a successful pregnancy. I want this so badly. I've been watching baby shows all day on TLC and DHC and it's driving me nuts! I want my baby back, and the wait for AF is killing me :(

So much for that thinking...I've been bleeding all day today. I'm so freaking fed up...it's ridiculous! I've been bleeding for nearly 8 weeks straight. This can't be healthy for my body and my emotional state. I am starting to think I'm never going to get my body back to normal and that we'll never be able to have another baby :(

When I was released last Thursday the doctor said I should bleed for a few days. Well, it's been 7 days. How long should I consider a few days? I just want to cry. I think I may give my doctor a call tomorrow and ask. I have to go in next Thursday, but I don't know if I can handle another week of this.

On top of all the drama from the m/c, I'm trying to find a part-time job to help pay for the bills from the ER and everything else. It's not going so well. I hate feeling like I'm in debt and there's no way out (I know that's an exaggeration, but it still feels that way). Part of me is glad that's summer vacation, but another part of me is so frustrated. All I do is think about bills, the m/c, and how far along in the pregnancy I should be right now. I just want my baby back :( I'd be in my 17th week now...

I called Dr. Aldrich today to ask about the bleeding. I'm SO TIRED of this!! Her nurse called back, the one I really like, and I asked her about it. She said it's completely normal to bleed/spot on and off for several weeks after a S&C. I mentioned that some days it's just spotting, like today, and other days it's a regular flow. She said depending on the physical activity I'm doing, the flow will change. If it gets heavier, it means I'm over doing it and need to take a break. Grr!

Jan also said that it will be weeks before I get a normal period. The typical time range is 4-8 weeks from the S&C, so here's hoping it's sooner rather than later. I do know that with both of my girls I got my period back 6 weeks pp, so I'm hoping it will be the same here. I'm just anxious to get back to TTC. I miss my baby so much and I don't feel like I can have complete closure until I'm actively TTC again. My thermometer is waiting. I may start temping just to help time pass. We'll see...

I just received the sweetest gift in the mail today :D It's a memory bracelet with the colors of both my EDD and the month my LO grew wings. It's beautiful!! It makes me feel a little more at peace with the whole situation. I know by wearing this bracelet I will always have my baby with me, just as I do with my girls because of my Mother's ring. The woman who made it has no idea how much I appreciate it.

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I thought about temping this morning, but just couldn't get the energy to do it. I think until it's truly time to TTC I may hold off. I'm still not sure what I want to do. I don't know if you O between your m/c and your first period, so part of me is telling me to O to see how long of a LP I might have. Another part of me is saying don't do it because I don't know how long it would take to O and it may just stress me out. We'll see over the next few days. I just want these next few weeks to fly by...

Today has given me some hope that AF should be returning soon. I have been crampy on and off like I typically am before her arrival. I don't think she'll be here within the next few days because it's only been 12 days since the S&C, but I started feeling crampy like this before Oing as well. I wish I had been temping, but maybe I'll give it a whirl tomorrow. Maybe, just maybe, my body is Oing and I can track the LP. I have just a smidge of hope, but hey! It's something...

It's been a crazy couple of days. I've been sorting through the girls' clothes so that I can get ready for 2 different garage sales. It's nice to sort through them, but at the same time I'm having a hard time letting go. If we are blessed with another little miracle, I don't know what gender he/she will be. I've kept some things and was able to part with some.

I was given a link today to look at about when AF will return after a m/c and it is very informative. My biggest concern is not knowing whether or not it's my real period and on this site it said that I must not have any bleeding for AT LEAST 20 days. Well, it's been 3 days of no bleeding...just heavy CM that's brown tinged. In the article, it said that is normal, but that my body is NOT ovulation and most likely won't during the wait for my first AF. It's good to know that, but also a tad bit disappointing. It also suggests waiting one FULL cycle before trying again because I may not O the first one after the m/c. Interesting...but again not what I want to hear. We'll play it by ear and I'm going to talk to my doctor again tomorrow when I go in for a follow-up. Agh!! I hate waiting...

I'm back from the doctor :( It wasn't a bad appointment, but wasn't great either. She asked if I was still bleeding, and I told her to be honest I'm not sure if it's old, old blood or brown-tinged CM. She said that until it's gone for 7 days that we can't DTD. But she did say once it's gone we can w/protection and that once AF returns we can start trying again. She told me she hopes to see me back in her office by the end of the summer, so we'll see!

She asked if my periods were regular, and I explained to her what they were like right before I got pregnant. I told her that if I hadn't gotten pregnant that cycle, I would have come in to talk to her about how screwy they were. She said that they weren't regular (bleeding for 7 days and spotting for 4) and gave me a card to keep track of them (I'll just keep track on FF) and if I don't have a regular period after 3 months to go back in and she'll check to see what's going on.

We also talked about temping and I asked about my pre-O temps and if they were "normal." We talked about how low they are pre-O and then what they are after and she said they are normal, and as long as I'm having that temp jump after O I should be alright. She also talked about the changes in CM during and after O too, so hopefully everything will work out and once AF returns I'll get another BFP. I'm trying to be optimistic.

I also decided to ask if they were able to tell what the gender was. It's been bugging me a lot lately She said that it was too early...had it been another week or so later then they *might* have been able to tell. I'm glad I asked because now I can stop pestering myself about wondering if they could tell. Anyway, that was about it from the appointment.

Today is 16 days since my S&C...and I'm still having old blood in my CM when I wipe :( It just feels like a never ending situation...ugh! It's been 64 days since the original S&C, and I just can't help but be angry. I should be in or starting my first cycle since the m/c and instead I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs...Argh :mad:

I decided to do a Jenny Renny reading for fun just to see what she said. I got it this morning and I'm excited, but don't want to get my hopes up too much! Here it is:
Firstly, I will tell you that the m/c you had shows as a boy - an normally this doesn't show in my readings unless there is a reason for it to be known. The reason in your case is because the same baby is recycling itself to come again - so the upcoming pregnancy shows again as a boy - the same boy. Your BFP is noted the month of August - September - and the dates align best with a cycle that begins in August gives you a BFP in September 2009. The baby's EDD is shown around the 30th of May 2010 and a birth is referenced around the 2nd of June 2010.

I'm thinking maybe her dates are a smidge off, or even backwards. I'll have to have repeat c-section, so I could see my due date being around June 2 and the c-section around May 30. Either way I'm excited to see how it all turns out. It does make me a little sad that she feels the m/c was a boy. There were so many signs that I saw before the m/c that pointed to a boy as well, but I didn't want to disappoint DH, so I haven't shared any of them with him.

I'm off to continue to twiddle my thumbs...I just want to move on to the next phase. Maybe my doctor will see me before fall rolls around. Guess we'll see...

I am finally on the mend :yahoo: It's been 2 days of no bleeding, no spotting, and no brown CM. I am happy that my body seems to be making progress, but now it's a waiting game to see when the :witch: will show. It's weird to say that I'm waiting for her with open arms....usually I'm hoping she stays far, far away!

The last 2 days I've also woken up feeling super bloated and crampy like I typically do before AF. I wish it meant something, but I'll deal with it. Maybe, just maybe my period is on the verge of coming...