Hoping for a miracle...

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Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41
Hoping for a miracle...

I've spent a lot of time reading other people's journals and I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this crazy TTC world that I've been living in for so long now.

DH and I were married Oct, 2001, after dating for four years. I'm now 29 and DH is 32. I have been off BC since July of 2002. At first we just decided to "let it happen," then we were building a house in 2003 and were actually actively "not trying" by staying away from each other during the time frame that I was likely fertile. After the house was built, we went back at it, but, by the fall of 2005, when we still weren't pregnant, we decided to take the next step. I started tests with my regular OB/GYN, b/w first, then a biopsy of my uterus, then an HSG, and a S/A for the DH. Everything was fine. My OB then told me I was going to have to see an RE b/c he had taken me as far as he could go.

After putting it off for several months, DH and I finally had our first consult with an RE in March, 2006. First, DH had to go through another S/A, b/c our RE did not feel that the previous lab had tested for all of the appropriate things. Come to find out, although the OB had said that DH's swimmers were plentiful, they had not tested for morphology and motility. At our second RE visit, we were advised that DH had low numbers for both - not good news. At that point, I was prescribed prenatal vitamins and DH was told to start taking Vitamin C daily.

Because according to our RE most infertile couples have multiple factors involved in their infertility, I was told that I should still undergo laproscopy so that the RE could "get in there" and see what was going on. Given that I had never had surgery, I was petrified. All I could think was, what if the anesthesia doesn't work for me? Ridiculous, I know... so I put it off....

I got serious in August, 2006 and decided it was time. I had surgery mid-August and found out that I have stage 1 endometrious and one irregularly shaped fallopian tube. For my RE, the endo was the big concern, although the fallopian tube issue apparently increases my chances of ectopic pregnancy. Combined with the male factors, we, as a couple, are just a mess!

Our RE told us at our post-surgery follow-up that if insurance covered it or we had the money, she would move us straight to IVF b/c of our time TTC combined with the issues we have. Not promising. I left the office that day and cried all the way home in the car. DH said, I don't care if it's you and me forever, having kids isn't going to make or break us. He is the best thing in my life, no question.

Nevertheless, we opted to start with meds and IUI. September, 2006, was round 1 at 75 mg of Clomid, with a trigger on CD 13, and IUIs on CD 13 and CD 15. Prometrium for 10 days thereafter. September = BFN.

I did, however, respond pretty well to Clomid with two good size follies on my CD 12 u/s that month. In light of that, my RE kept my dosage at 75mg. This month though I am only having one IUI due to the cost factor.

I am now on CD 6 for the October,2006 cycle. Thankfully, I had no S/E from Clomid this month and I go in on the 12th for my u/s.

I consider myself very lucky that I have very regular cycles and ovulate almost like clockwork on CD 14. I read so many stories of women overcoming obstacles of severe endo or PCOS and end up pregnant. I can only hope that I am so lucky.

We only intend to do IUI three more times tops, definitely twice more. Infertility treatments are so cost prohibitive that we will have to take a break and evaluate our options. It seems silly to throw thousands of dollars at IUI and meds when I could be saving that money for IVF or adoption.

So we'll see what happens.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I'm counting down the days until my next IUI. Thursday is my u/s and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I have at least two good size follies again this month. I'm guessing that the IUI will be scheduled for Friday or Saturday. I'm thinking Friday since I will probably O on Friday.

Last night DH and I had a pretty earnest conversation. DH is not as keen on continuing with IUI and meds as I am. We had talked about this before, but apparently we had a miscommunication b/c I was under the impression that we were doing IUI at least three times and possibly four. He said last night that he thought we were only doing two. By the end of the conversation, we agreed on three and we will see how we feel in December given that the holidays will be upon us. He said that we don't have to "stop trying" when we quit IUIs, but at some point we have to decide to step back. I agree, I just keep hoping that maybe the next time...

I found out a week ago that a close friend is pregnant with her second child, her first is only 11 months. She and her husband conceived both times after only trying for one month. It blows my mind... It should be so easy for all of us. I don't resent them or get upset about their good luck, it just makes me feel sorry for myself. I hate that I feel that way but I can't help it.

I feel like the two of us have a really good outlook on the future and this hand that we've been dealt, but I also know it will take me a long time, probably years, to accept it for what it is. I may never be able to.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Just for kicks, I thought I'd write here some of the things that friends, family, etc. have offered as "advice" into our infertility issues.

* My mother once told me that my alcohol consumption was the problem. I maybe drink once every week or two weeks and only like 3-4 beers/drinks.

* Someone told me to lose weight. Granted I am rather portly these days, but I've seen girls three times my size pregnant, so I'm not buying it.

* Our very "fertile" friends told us to do it doggy-style b/c it worked for them twice. I thought this was actually quite cute!

* Numerous people beyond counting have told me to "just relax."

* My best friend keeps telling me that "it will happen when the time is right." I want to pummel her and she knows it.

* I won't say what my husband's best friend said b/c it is dirty and involves not "putting it in the right place." This of course leads to the next one...

* DH's best friend told us that he would be happy to step in and see if he can help out. Thanks for the offer, but no thanks...

Great, huh?!? I know everyone has dealt with "advice," a post on this topic on another board would be fun to see what outrageous things people have been told.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

The weather here in Michigan really sucks today. Raining and cold. It better clear up for the Michigan State v Ohio State game on Saturday. It seems like everytime we tailgate, the weather doesn't cooperate.

I responded to a post yesterday on progesterone s/e and it got me thinking about having to start them again in a few days. I'm guessing RE will tell me to start them on Sunday. I hated them last month. Ten days of dizziness and headaches...it was a real pain in the a**. DH really got sick of hearing me complain.

I'm in a dilemma this month. DH and I are throwing an Oktoberfest party on the 21st, DH brews beer so it is a big occassion. I will be at the end of week one of the 2ww. I typically abstain from alcohol and all other "bad" things during the 2ww. But I really want to be part of the fun and partake in 3 or 4 beverages. I don't know what to do. Part of me says that I'm going through IUI and meds and if I'm putting forth that kind of effort I should be good. Another part of me says, if by some grace of God the IUI works this month, it would only be 7-8DPO and one night of a few drinks wouldn't hurt. I don't know how many of my girlfriends have said, "I didn't even know I was pregnant" and they had some wild night of drinking before they discovered they were pg. But I'm different. Will I be at more of a risk for a pregnancy not "taking" if I drink or can it adversely affect the bean's ability to "stick"? The only answer I find is, "drinking is the worst for a baby in the 1st trimester." I know this, I did pay attention in 8th grade health class. I will obsess over this and probably not drink. Then I'll be really pissed off when AF comes and I'll think, "it wouldn't have mattered."

I must sound like alcohol is really important to me. It's not. Maybe I should look back at my list from yesterday...didn't I write something about my mother saying it was the alcohol?!?

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

What a weird day! It snowed this morning! Driving in to work, I hit a near white out condition. Wild! Guess that's just Michigan for ya!

My OPK this morning was faint, by every indication, I suppose that means negative. I do have some twinges, so I'm guessing that I'm gearing up to O. My u/s this afternoon will tell...and plus, I'm getting my HCG shot today. So my guess is tomorrow night, just like last month. I'm hoping that my RE tells me that my IUI will be tomorrow afternoon b/c that seems like the best timing, even if I don't O til Sat. morning. I want to be able to go home and take it easy afterward. I know they say it doesn't matter, but I'm superstitious. Saturday we are tailgating and going to a football game, so I'd rather not do it that morning.

We have BD'd every other day for the last week, which was suggested by RE b/c of male factors. RE will probably tell us no more sex until after the IUI tomorrow b/c DH has to give his "sample."

It seems so weird to write about my sex life on a journal here like it is nothing. But, it is also really nice to put my thoughts down. I know DH gets sick of hearing me talk about this stuff and he definitely gets sick of my complaining about medication s/e.

This week is so hectic, all of these drs appts keep me coming and going from the office. I feel like I'm falling behind and need to put in some extra time. Thank God I have an understanding boss and he has told me "whatever it takes." With four young children, he knows what it means to be a parent and wants for me to be able to enjoy the same. A great work environment can make all the difference.

Speaking of work, I better do some...

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Well, my u/s yesterday was sort of a bust. I figured that it would be the same as last month, that I would have one or two good follies, I would be given my shot and then I'd be back today for an IUI. Not so... Although I had three follies, they were only at 11, 11, and 12 respectively. Bottom line, I'm not ready and probably won't O til Sunday or Monday. RE wanted me to come in tomorrow afternoon, but we already have committed to going to the Michigan State/Ohio State game. She didn't seem to think that I would be ready that afternoon anyway, she just wanted to do another u/s to see where I was at. Anyhow, long story short, I'm to be in her office at 7:30 a.m. on Monday with my DH's sample in hand, just in case I haven't O'd yet. She will do another u/s and if I've O'd, we won't do IUI, if I haven't we will do IUI. She was hopeful though b/c of the three follies. I'm hopeful that I won't O over the weekend and that when I go in on Monday my follies are really big and fat and ready to pop!

I forgot to POAS this morning and I only have one OPK left so I need to get more today. We have been instructed to BD through tomorrow night. However, if I get a blazing positive OPK on Sunday, I'm thinking I might BD then too even though RE said to hold off for IUI on Monday. My concern is that if I O Saturday night of Sunday morning, what if Monday is too late. But she knows best so maybe I should just follow her directions. I don't know. Either way, I'm definitely going to make sure we get busy the next two days. DH won't complain, I'm sure.

Not having the IUI today or tomorrow actually works out really well for me today. I was stressing about how I was going to accomplish all that needed to be done. Drycleaning, banking, opening a new bank account at another bank, getting leak in tire fixed, picking up something for dinner tonight, painting bedroom, cleaning up flower beds, and going to football game. Plus, we have a flat tire on the lawn tractor that needs to be fixed. Too much... Add a trip an hour out of town and a drs appt into the mix, and my day goes to s**t.

But...game tomorrow, excited! Go State!

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I'm a ball of nerves this morning. My dogs broke out of their kennel yesterday and were gone all night. The puppy came back this morning, but my 2 year old beagle, the older, wiser, and lazier of the two, is still gone. I am sick to my stomach. He is affectionately nicknamed "momma's baby" b/c that is just what he is. I slept next to the window, with it open, so that if I heard them come home I could get up and let them in. Needless to say, I didn't sleep. I started bawling at 2:00 a.m. and ended up waking DH up. We live in the country so he could be anywhere, but he is such a lap dog that I just think he would have come home by now. My only solace is that it is raining out. He hates the rain, won't even get off the porch. I hope that he found a spot to hole up in and is just waiting out the rain. My heart will break if he doesn't come home...

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

My baby came home last night at midnight. I slept with the window open and heard whining and a scratch at the door. I lept from bed and ran to the door. He is hurt, something is wrong with one of his front paws and his belly and ears are really raw and irritated. I'm taking him to the vet tonight to get him checked out. Who knew that a dog could mean so much to someone. God, what a relief.

On the TTC front, so far, my cycle has been extremely odd. I was instructed last Thursday to show up on Monday with a sample for IUI and RE would do an u/s first to see if I "was ready." I wasn't. Went back this morning and although last Thurs I had three follies growing, only one matured to a really good size. Last month I had two and it didn't work, but RE sounded really positive and excited so I'm doing another IUI tomorrow mid-day. She gave me my HcG shot before I left.

I'm not feeling so positive...My OPKs were positive on Sunday and Monday and negative yesterday. I didn't do one this morning b/c I just don't understand. U/s clearly shows I haven't ovulated yet and my temps are all over the board so I can't tell. So confused....I'm wondering if I can even rely on the OPKs. DH and I haven't BD'd since Saturday night b/c RE wanted samply on Monday. Then the dogs went missing and we just weren't in the mood b/c of that. So, I guess we'll do the IUI tomorrow and BD at night and maybe even Friday morning to cover our bases. The BD part isn't a problem, but DH absolutely hates giving a sample. He gets so worked up and nervous about it. He was not thrilled when I told him he'll have to give one tomorrow. I feel bad for him, but he said it's okay. Whatever it takes...

Busy week, party on Saturday and all kinds of crap to do at home. Searching for dogs for two nights has put me way behind. I've got to clean, grocery shop, and do some yard work. So little time.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I am so totally confused about this cycle. I put my temp in FF this morning and it has given me crosshairs at CD15. My u/s yesterday showed that I still had not O'd, but that I had at least one mature follie. So I was given the HcG shot. I'm going in for IUI today and now I'm thinking it is not going to work. I know the u/s showed I hadn't O'd, but what is up with my temps? I quit the OPKs b/c I just don't trust them at all. I guess we'll just have to see...

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

DH expressed his concern over continuing with IUIs last night. He really has a hard time with giving his sample and is not entirely thrilled with having to keep doing it. I understand where he's coming from, but I also don't want to give up just yet. I don't want to push him to keep going, b/c I don't want to put him through any more if he is just going to resent me for it. He will do whatever I ask him so I don't know what to do. We are going through with the IUI today, but if it doesn't work this month, I don't know whether I can ask him to do it again in November. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge in two weeks.

On a positive note, my dogs are doing better. One has a bum foot that I had checked out at the vet last night. It doesn't appear to be broken, just sprained. I'm babying him of course and giving him extra treats!

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Yesterday was my second attempt at an IUI. I pulled in the driveway to pick up DH's sample before heading to the Dr and he handed it to me and said with a smile, "just so you know, that is an excellent sample!" I laughed...

When my RE came in to do the IUI, she asked the nurse what the numbers were and before washing, they were at 82 mil, with 17%, after washing they were over 100 mil, but I missed the percentage. RE said, "those are excellent numbers!" I said, "yeah, my husband said it was a REALLY good sample and he's very confident this time!" My RE laughed. At least we still have some of our sense of humor left in this arduous adventure.

And I do mean arduous. I have been to the RE's office 4 times in the last week, with a 45 min drive each way. This is seriously making me fall behind at work. (As I sit here writing in my journal!) My boss sensed I was worried about it and said he didn't care and whatever it takes...

Plus, I feel like I'm forever thinking about temps, OPKs, u/s, medication, b/w, whatever! I knew it was going to be tough, but I don't know how long I can go through this. I know there a lot of ladies here have been going through this for a lot longer than me and kudos to them b/c it takes a strong person to keep going through it and to experience the kind of disappointment that comes each month upon the arrival of AF. I'm not sure I'm that strong. I'm starting to wonder if I wasn't better off before, just not knowing what was wrong.

Wow....enough woe is me. What a whiner! PARTY tomorrow...lots to do. I think I'm on my way to buy grub to feed my guests.

On another note: I've read a few posts today from people who have experienced losses recently or received bad news...my heart and prayers goes out to each and every one. I've not experienced a miscarriage or anything like it and I cannot say that I know what it is like, but I offer my tears nonetheless because it does make me very sad. I'm so sorry...

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I started my progesterone pills on Saturday and, just like last month, they suck! At times they make me very dizzy and cause tremendous nausea. Ten days seems like forever!

DH and I had a very good time at our party on Saturday-good food, good friends, and good times in general.

The 2ww is really a pain...especially when everyone knows I did IUI. Those that are not well-versed in the TTC world do not seem to realize that you don't know IMMEDIATELY after IUI whether you are pregnant. They seem to ask every day. I know they mean well, but it makes it hard. I sometimes wish I'd kept this all to ourselves, but at the same time, I could not go on forever with the "we'll have kids when we're ready." That was a big fat lie.

I foresee a problem if we, by the grace of God, become pregnant and I don't want to tell anyone for awhile until we know it is going to stick. The bottom line, I won't be able to b/c family and close friends all know what is going on.

I've put myself in a real pickle now haven't I?!?!

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

On another note, I am so freakin' excited about the holidays coming up I can't hardly stand it! Thanksgiving cannot arrive fast enough. And soon, December, which brings my b-day and lots of xmas parties! I'm such a dork!

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Not a whole lot to talk about...

I feel exactly the same right now that I did this time last month. Weird twingy cramps, no dizziness lately though and that is good. I'm sure the cramps are from the prog pills. The bummer is that I look at feeling the same as being a bad thing b/c last month was a bust. I know I'm being cynical, but I can't help it, why would this month be any different from the last couple years!?!?

Since I've never been pregnant, I obviously don't know what it would even feel like or what would be an "indication" that maybe I'm pregnant. Of course, I've read other people's symptoms or what they post on pg.org, but everyone is different. So what will mine be if by some grace of God I get lucky? I'm sitting here waiting for some sign that it worked this month and I just am not confident.

I want extreme fatigue or nautiousness or really sore bb's so that I know like everyone else. I want to see what a BFP looks like on one of those freakin' sticks.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Today I'm feeling weird. I had almost debilitating cramps in my lower abdomen at lunch. So bad I wanted to curl up in a ball on my office floor. I'm sure it's just the progesterone, but God, I thought for a while I was going to have to go home. It passed and now I just have the fluttering that I've had with prog. My cycle is so off this month due to the Clomid. In a normal month, I would have o'd about CD14 and per my RE I didn't O until CD20. So now, here I am at CD 28, when I'd normally be looking for AF or thinking about a POAS, and I have to wait at least another 4 or 5 days. I know I should trust my doc, but I'm also not entirely sure that I didn't O on CD15 like my OPK seemed to indicate. Needless to say....I'm baffled this month. I guess I will know who's right after this weekend. If I'm right, AF will arrive sometime tomorrow or Sunday. If RE is right, she will arrive this time next week. Or....maybe I'll get lucky and she won't come at all. Doubtful...such a cynic.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

DH and I contemplated having one of our young (8 yr.) cousins spend the weekend with us. We occassionally do this with the cousins b/c they get some alone time away from their sibs and they like to come to our house where they can play video games, watch Nickelodeon, and eat junk food! DH wasn't too thrilled though and changed his mind, which was fine b/c we hadn't invited her yet. He said he wanted to just spend the weekend together. I thought it was nice, but when we think or say things like that it makes me wonder if we are cut out to be parents. I guess I probably should have figured that out a long time ago before TTC.

Anyhow, I think about having a child and what that means for us as a couple. We are truly best friends. Will that change? Having a child means no more alone time, at least not much. We become three rather than two.

Selfishness...I know. But, I do want a child more than anything and I have this yearning like I've never known for anything other than wishing my dad were still alive. I wouldn't have that if I wasn't capable of loving and caring and giving myself completely to a child, right?!?

Speaking of my dad, I've been thinking about him a lot lately and really missing him. My 30th b-day is less than two months away and with all of this TTC stuff going on, it makes me think about all of the things that he's missed out on in the last 10 years. My college and law school graduations, my wedding, my niece and nephews, my brothers' weddings....so much has happened. I'm sitting here with a lump in my throat thinking how much I would love a game of golf with him or just to sit and drink a beer. I never got to do either. He loved golf and I didn't start til three years ago, how sad is that. I was ten days shy of my 20th b-day when he passed. It's approaching 10 years... God I miss him.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I felt very odd this weekend. I had AF-like cramps off and on both Sat and Sun. I have this feeling that if I was not on Prometrium that AF would have come, lending to my theory that I O'd around CD15, rather than CD20 like my RE thinks. I may just be nuts. Maybe it was just the Prometrium giving me cramps, but these were very much like AF cramps. Hard to ignore that. Plus my bb's are super sore, which started yesterday. Today is only "supposed" to be 11DPO, so it is too early, I think, to test. I'm scheduled to go in for a blood pg test on Thursday, but I will probably test Wed just to lessen the blow of a BFN a little. I know I sound cynical, but I just have no faith this month whatsoever. I've had such a weird cycle and erratic temps mid-cycle. My temps are still high as of today, which would indicate that I'm not set to see AF yet, but that could just be the Prometrium. Today is the tenth day of it though and I'm supposed to quit to see whether AF comes. I'm sure she will....

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Pretty sure this isn't our month. It's 12DPO and yesterday was my last day of progesterone. Now the wait begins to see if AF will show up. I think she will. My temps peaked on Sunday and have dropped .1 degree each of the last two days. I'm still well above coverline, but I have a feeling they will continue to drop. I've had some cramping off and on, plus the twins are sore. All signs point to AF.

Not sure how I'm going to work going in for my Clomid check with the RE b/c if AF arrives on Thursday, CD3-4 will fall on the weekend. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

This sucks. I really just want to see two lines. I haven't tested, don't plan to until tomorrow. Definitely going to test before I head to my blood test on Thurs b/c I need forwarning. I'm so completely depressed today.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

If I was unsure before, I'm sure now. I was standing at the copier and felt something, so I went to the bathroom and sure enough, I'm spotting. That was fast after going off Prometrium, considering I took my last one last night at bedtime. Last month it took three days. Whatever...this sucks. I guess I won't need to go for the blood test...I never even had the chance to POAS. This month was f****d up! I think I'm going to ask the RE to put me on Clomid CD3-7 rather than 5-9 this next month. Maybe we'll have better luck...

I think November is going to be our last month of Clomid and IUI. IUI is getting expensive and with xmas coming and the crazy month of December, I'm thinking it would best to take the month off and reevaluate. I know the pressure of IUI is getting to DH and I just don't want to do that to him if he isn't completely game. Right now I think he's doing it for me, but if I said let's quit, he'd be all for it.

We haven't tried injectibles, but I know they are a lot more expensive, plus RE will still want us to do IUI. I'm guessing all total for one month alone we are looking at about $1,500.00. I'd rather start thinking about putting that kind of money toward adoption. But the question is....can I get DH on board with adoption? So far, he's not biting.

Why me? Have I done something wrong that God doesn't think I deserve to be a parent? I don't get it.......

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I am not having a good day, as you may be able to tell from the fact that this is my third post today. I'm sitting here staring at my computer trying to focus on work and I can't. DH called to say hi and I told him AF was here. He asked if we're doing it another month. I told him I think so but maybe we should talk about it tonight. He said at some point we need to end this and I agree. This is too much for me I think. I don't think I could even think about IVF. I need to go back to my normal life that doesn't involve going to the RE five thousand times a month. I think November is it for me. One more cycle of Clomid and one more try at IUI.

Then maybe we can talk adoption. I just can't venture into the other stuff, I can't, I can't, I can't....

I have tears welling up and a lump in my throat and I just want to go home right now, crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and cry. I am just sick with sadness.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

DH and I have officially decided that November is our last month to do meds and IUI. We have decided that if this month does not work, then we are going to sit back and relax and take some time off from the RE. We aren't going to stop TTC, I'm still going to temp and probably do OPKs, but maybe not in December. I want to enjoy the holidays thoroughly and not worry about this stuff.

After that, we are going to look at two options. Adoption versus IVF. DH is not opposed to adoption, but he still very much wants a child of our own making. Ideally, I do as well, but quite honestly, I don't care either way as long as I get to be a parent. We aren't going to really consider either for about a year. We are going to take some time and look more into both and find out the costs associated, the timeframes, procedure, etc. In the meantime, I think we may think about planning a trip next summer/fall. Something really cool since we didn't really do anything for our five year anniversary.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I had my monthly clomid check with the RE yesterday. This month we are trying CD3-7 rather than 5-9 to see if that moves up my O date. Plus, she increased my dosage to 100mg, which will hopefully give me better follies this month. She told me she thought that after this cycle, if we aren't pregnant, that we should sit down and talk and reevaluate. I get the impression that she is not overly confident that this month will work either. She said she doesn't want to keep continuing on a path that is not successful. I know what she will say...injectables or IVF. We aren't ready for IVF. Injectables are also very expensive b/c our insurance doesn't cover the meds and we would still be looking at more IUIs. DH is not keen on this as I've mentioned before.

I told RE that DH and I had already talked about it and we are going to take some time off and figure out what avenue we are going to go. I am leaning more toward adoption every day. I just don't want to perpetually go through this TTC thing. I want to be a parent, bottom line, and the sooner I get there, the better. There are no guarantees that I will ever get pregnant. Through the right avenues, there are guarantees with adoption.

My best friend called two nights ago to "check in." She knew I had a blood test scheduled for yesterday, but she wanted to call before. I told her it wasn't the month and she proceeded to tell me that she has been researching international versus domestic adoption. She even ordered a book on international adoption! She said just in case we decide that is the route we want to take, she wanted to be up on it and have it all figured out for me. I thought it was incredibly caring and I love her for it. She started telling all of these facts and procedural issues and I'm very interested. DH is coming around to the idea, although he seems to be leaning toward IVF. Either way, we aren't going to do anything just yet, maybe 6 months to a year out.

I'm not looking forward to the next five days. DH's aunt passed away Wed and we are driving from MI to OK tomorrow morning and coming back on Tuesday. 16 hour drive! Last minute emergencies are difficult. Dealing with dogs, packing, groceries for the road, hotel reservations, etc...

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Well, the trip to OK was a long drive, ended up being about 18 hours with stopping for food and going potty. Not the best trip obviously considering the circumstances...

I've had very little time to think about my cycle this month so far, although I realize I'm only on CD10. This month we moved to Clomid on CD3-7, any my s/e suck this time. Hot flashes a lot! In the car, I kept having to turn on the a/c periodically to cool off. DH thought I was nuts.

I don't have my follie check until next Tues., which seems light years away right now. I'm feeling like that is late, considering that CD14 is Monday. Because I O'd late last month (CD20), I think my RE thinks I won't O until late again. But....we moved up from CD5-9 to 3-7. I'm confused, but she's the boss.

DH and I had a definitive talk yesterday about our "long term" plan. This month is our last official TTC with the RE month. We are taking a break and have decided not to do anything for six months to a year. The reason being that our next step is either adoption or IVF. Either way, we aren't ready to do either. The issue is tabled for now. Most likely we will move toward IVF, but not until maybe January, 2008. That gives us a year to save money and to regroup.

We've been exploring the "what is wrong with us" issue for a year and a half and TTC for over four. Although I know I will not be able to completely separate myself from TTC, i.e. OPKs and HPTs and maybe even temping, I'm going to try and at least take the next couple of months off. With the holidays, I think I will be distracted enough.

So I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for this month, but if this isn't the month, then I will probably break from here for awhile. We'll see....

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I'm concerned that I will ovulate today or tomorrow and my follie u/s isn't until tomorrow late afternoon. My OPK yesterday afternoon was neg and I haven't POAS yet today, but....I have what feels like O cramping going on. Plus, my temp dropped yesterday and went back up today, making me think that I'm going to O soon. So now I'm being negative thinking that we won't have a chance this month b/c I may be too late for an IUI. I think my RE should have scheduled me in for today, but she didn't.

So...I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my u/s tomorrow will show like three big fat follies that are just waiting to burst and this cramping is just them growing like crazy! Hopefully.....

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

My OPK last evening was a blazing positive. I also had some serious O cramps last night. I don't know what to do, other than go with the flow. DH was tired last night so I didn't press the issue of BD'ing. So we BD'd this morning at like 5:30a.m.-- WAY too early for my liking, but....you gotta do what you gotta do, right?!?!

My follie scan isn't until 3:30 today, which I'm sure will indicate that I have already O'd. We covered our bases on the BD'ing up to this point, Sun. night and this morning. I think IUI will be pointless b/c the timing is off, but maybe I'm wrong. I hate to put down that kind of money when I have this gut feeling that IUI tomorrow morning will be too late. At this point, I'd almost rather just BD tonight or tomorrow morning and call off the IUI. I don't know that RE will like that since this is our last month of treatment for a while. She will most definitely try to talk me into it anyway, I'm sure. After all, they are partly in this to make money.

Wow, I sound really cynical today.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

RE appt on Tuesday was soooo frustrating. Not only did I have to wait for an hour just to go in for a follie u/s, but the u/s showed only one lousy follie at 12 on CD15. I don't know what to think. So in the three months that I've been on Clomid, only the first month produced really good follies. I'm going in today for another u/s, but I'm not hopeful. Last month I had only one follie at 17 on CD19 and the RE opted for an IUI on CD20. Obviously, it was a BFN month.... I'm now skeptical to go ahead with another IUI this month knowing I've only got one follie and that it really isn't very good. RE seems unfazed and just keeps having me come in for u/s to check its progress. I've read some posts here that others' REs won't even do an IUI without at least two good follies. Is my RE just milking me for $400 a pop? I hate to think that b/c I really like her, but I don't know what to think.

To throw another wrench into it, I had a positive OPK on Monday, but my u/s on Tuesday showed an intact follie. So am I have an LH surge prematurely each cycle? I told the RE about the positive OPK, but she seemed unfazed saying, "well, your u/s says otherwise." Yeah, but isn't the only way to test LH surge by way of b/w?

Now I'm starting to question my RE and the procedure she is following. DH says I'm nuts b/c she is the doctor. I covered my bases with BD'ing over the last week, just in case I O'd somewhere along the way, but I don't understand the positive OPK thing versus the u/s. Is Clomid just f'ing with my system?

I don't want to go today. In fact, I don't even want to do the IUI. Maybe I'm being cynical, but I know it won't work with one lousy follie that isn't even very big. WTF!?!?

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I feel like such an ass...

My u/s yesterday (CD17) showed two follies, both at 18. RE felt they would grow a little more by today, so she gave me my HcG trigger and we did an IUI this morning. DH had over a 100 million swimmers with 80% motility. RE was very happy with this...

I read my post from yesterday and I was seriously negative. I questioned my RE about the OPK issue and she said she wishes I wouldn't even do them b/c they mislead people often. She said that although I may have had a positive earlier this week, my u/s clearly indicated that I didn't have mature follicles until yesterday. So...I don't know if I"m going to bother wasting my money on OPKs anymore. Since we are taking a break after this month, it is really irrelevant anyway. I have such a hard time listening to people and can be so hard-headed.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed, praying, and hoping with all I have that this month is it for me. Now on to the 2ww and progesterone starting Sun.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Busy weekend! Oh, but only a two and a half day week! What a bonus!

On the fertility front...b/c that seems to be front and center all the time...
RE told us to BD Sat. morning early, but it didn't happen. DH jumped out of bed at 6:15 and went deer hunting and by the time he returned I headed out to grocery shop. Upon my return we had to shower and dress for a wedding, in which my husband was an usher. We didn't get home from the wedding until about midnight and we BD'd then, but it wasn't exactly on RE's time schedule. TMI: It was really great BD'ing though, the really mind-boggling kind!

:lovebed:

So...let's hope that those :bluesperm: :pinksperm: make it there! I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

My temps are up so I know that I O'd on what appears to be Friday. I'm kicking myself for not BD'ing on Sat. a.m., but nothing I can do now but hope that the IUI will serve its purpose.

On another note, I'm really excited about shopping on Friday. I have several things I'm looking for, but really I just enjoy the experience of finding those great deals. I hate shopping in general, unless its Target, but for some reason, I really dig Black Friday. This year will be the first year I go on my own. Previously, I've always had my mother-in-law or my DH. I think I'll do better, cover more ground in less amount of time. But...I will miss the breakfast after shopping. Maybe I can call DH when I'm done and see if he'll meet me...hmmmm. That might work! He loves breakfast out and never says no to food.

I already made my first holiday treat - Chex mix, to which I'm an addict. I hope to do more baking in the next few days, which means I'm going to gain ten pounds this weekend! It's scary - I think I'm turning into my mother. OMG, did I just say that?!? She can be a raging lunatic, but wait, then again, so can I!

I hope it snows on Thursday. That would be perfect for turkey day!

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

2ww is going very slow this month. I don't think I'm pg. Nothing out of the ordinary this month at all. I had some pretty buckling cramps yesterday, but I associate them as pre-AF or due to the Prometrium as in previous months. Plus, my bbs are sore as can be, SOP for pre-menstrual. My temps are crazy - went up, then took a dip at about 7DPO, then went up, then dipped again today...

Having said that, I had a pretty crazy dream on Sat night. I dreamt that I found out that I was pregnant this month and that I casually dropped it in a conversation with my DH. When he finally realized what I had said, he started crying and then I started crying and we both kept saying, "I can't believe it has FINALLY happened." That was really all there was to it. Clearly, it's on my mind. Plus, I was around two babies and a preg friend on Thanksgiving and shopped for my infant neice for xmas on Friday, so I'm sure there is a correlation. Nevertheless, it was really weird and surreal to experience that "pregnancy" elation, even if it wasn't real. If only I could experience it for real...

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

It looks like this month is going to be a bust as well. My temp plummeted three days ago and has continued to drop. Not below coverline yet, but I know it is only a matter of a day or so.

Yesterday was really bad, I was super depressed and felt like crying. Because this is the last medicated/IUI cycle for us, I had my hopes extremely high. I should have known better. I really think that the upcoming break from the RE and medication/IUI is necessary for my sanity. Although I cry at Hallmark commercials, I'm typically not an emotional chick. So...this TTC stuff has brought out a side of me that I'm not very fond of.

Of course, I now look back on this cycle and think, maybe if we'd had sex in the morning on such and such a day or maybe if I'd not had that adult beverage that night, or maybe if I had stayed away from coffee... And I realize I'm ridiculous and I probably did all that I could, but, those thoughts still come.

The bummer is, again, I'm supposed to go in for b/w on Friday to confirm +/- pg and I don't want to go...again.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I started spotting yesterday at only 12DPO. I had terrible cramps last night, so bad that I had no choice but to take a pain reliever. I went to bed and cried and cuddled with DH. He again told me that his life is complete as it is and we are very blessed to have what we have. I agree, but I'm still not ready to completely throw in the towel and he said we aren't, we just need to step back from it for awhile.

So, I will be taking a break from treatment with the RE for an indefinite amount of time. Until we are ready to move on. I'm taking December off of everything, including temping, and plan to enjoy the holidays. I plan to visit here to pen my thoughts, and to read how everyone else is faring. I will probably pick back up with temping in January, more so because I've never temped without being medicated and I'm interested in seeing how my body works on its own without drugs.

I'm still very emotional this morning...sitting here with a lump in my throat hoping no one ventures into my office b/c I might open the flood gates. I cannot help but think that it is not fair. DH said life in general isn't fair and I need to stop thinking that way. He is so much more positive than I...I'm grateful to have him because without him, I'd truly be lost.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

So I've come to grips with the end of our Clomid/IUI attempts. Taking a break is really quite liberating. I haven't worried about waking up to temp or taking meds. I don't even know what CD I'm on!

Right now I'm enjoying the holiday season. We put up our xmas tree on Sunday and I decorated the house. I've been a domestic diva the last two days, baking up a storm. I tried my hand at my grandma's peanut butter fudge last night and it turned out pretty darn good if I do say so myself. I'm also working on making some ornaments for my brothers and their wives, to put in a care package with the xmas baked goods.

Sunday was bittersweet for me. It was the ten year anniversary of my dad's passing. I thought a lot about him, but I also enjoyed decorating for the holiday. It is still hard on my mom, yesterday she said she didn't even get out of her pjs on Sunday. They got married when she was just out of h.s. and were married for, I think, 28 years when he died. I miss him so much...

Mom and stepdad are coming to celebrate xmas on Saturday so I have a lot to do still. I've wrapped gifts but need to clean....desperately. Plus, I need to figure out what I'm making for our xmas dinner this weekend.

On another note, puppy f***er is having a hard time with self-restraint as it pertains to the xmas tree. He has pulled off several glass balls and has been seen sniffing the snowmen decorations.

Good times!

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I spent some time yesterday lurking on the IVF and Adoption boards just out of curiosity. Both were very intriguing...

The successes of IVF are very encouraging and reading about some women's experiences has me very interested in looking more into this option in the future. DH has already said that he would like to look into IVF more before we consider adoption. I did read some very heartbreaking stuff and scary s/e or reactions as well, which make me think at the same time, is it worth it?

The biggest factor for us right now, although I know it shouldn't be, is cost. If our insurance covered even part of IVF we would move on it right away. But it doesn't. I know I shouldn't have regrets, but I think back to when our RE sat us down after my lap and said if she had her choice given our circumstances, she would go straight for IVF rather than attempt the other protocols. Three months and close to $3000 later, I think, I should have just put that money toward IVF. DH says no, it was a joint decision, and we felt we had to try IUI and meds first. I have come to one conclusion...I am definitely not interested in the injectible meds/IUI option. I'd rather go straight for IVF, if we decide to continue with trying to conceive our own child.

I also spent some time recently researching online about adoption. So much involved! It is very overwhelming, but it seems like there are a lot of agencies out there that can hold your hand the entire time. I am still extremely interested in adoption and want to really consider this option more seriously in the next year.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I am two days away from my 30th birthday. It is a milestone that I've been dreading basically all year. Not really because I'm getting older, but because when we got married, I was 24 and said that I wanted to be done having babies by the time I turned 30. Oh how naive and unknowing I was...

I'm going to try and pass over it like it doesn't matter, nice dinner with the in-laws then dinner with friends this weekend. It does matter though and it is really depressing. I'm completely bummed out. DH can't understand why this is such a big deal to me and, quite honestly, if I had the good fortune to have already had a child by now, I probably would still be taking this hard. Turning 30 is different for women than men. How many times have we heard that men get better with age and women just age?!?

Turning 30 makes me think that I really need to focus on a healthier lifestyle. I really need to incorporate more activity into my life and try to tap into some of that energy that I used to have when I was younger. I mean I was a sports nut, softball, volleyball, basketball, rollerblading, aerobics, swimming, I even took judo in college! Now I do nothing, except dust off my treadmill once and awhile when I get on a kick. Before I got married I was a member of the Y and used to work out at least four times a week. Now I'm nearly completely sedentary and my idea of activity is cleaning house. How sad.

So, I need to find some motivation and tap into it. Eating-wise too. Part of my problem is that I've learned how to cook. But, if your eating homecooked meals and not exercising, well, let's just say that my clothes haven't been comfortable for awhile.

If the holidays would just be over already! Xmas parties, family dinners, goodies in the office, treats from mom, treats from MIL, man....and we have about three more weeks of this?!?!?

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Because we are on a TTC break this month, I've just been lurking around reading others' posts. It is really kind of weird. I'm on like CD21 I think so AF will likely arrive right smack between xmas and new years.

My 30th b-day was a real downer. My mom came to celebrate xmas the weekend before and gave me the wonderful gift of the stomach flu. I spent most of my b-day in my pj's with my head hung over the toilet. Doesn't sound like fun does it? Well, it wasn't. I was miserable from last Monday night until the end of the week. Needless to say, I missed work, fell behind on my xmas stuff, i.e. baking cookies, making chex mix, etc., and my house was trashed.

However....my DH completely surprised me and gave me an iPod for my b-day. We never spend that kind of money on b-days so at first I was a little upset, although I've wanted one for months. I love him so much!

Trying not to think about where I am in this month's cycle...if I ovulated last week, which is likely, I was really sick and we did not do a whole lot of BD'ing. Oh well, on a break, right?? So hard....but much needed.

The money factor is interesting. The previous three months when we were dropping wads of cash on doctor's bills for the infertility stuff were really tight and stressful. Probably counter-productive now that I think about it. This month it's like a weight has been lifted. I actually felt like I had loads of money to spend on xmas!

I'm really excited about the holidays, we are going to spend some time with our closest friends and I think it will be tons of fun. Plus there is the whole opening presents on xmas morning thing!

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

It has been over a week since I last posted...

Christmas weekend was very relaxing, five days away from work, hanging with the DH, shopping, gifts, food, what more can you ask for I suppose. A BFP would have been nice, but I know better. As predicted, AF showed up yesterday. CD27. So very regular it makes me sick. Taking a break last month was really nice, very liberating. No worries. DH mentioned over the weekend how much less stressed he felt this month. I don't think I can do all of that to him again. I know there are great successes with IVF, but I just don't know if I want to go through the heartache, waiting, endless doctor's appointments, medications...and, oh yeah, the exorbitant amount of jack that MUST be paid up front or my poor, not so little, infertile ass is SOL.

I've read some other posts recently where gals are getting their BFPs in months where they have been on a TTC break. Why can't that be me? Of course, I had about ten people tell me this month that it will probably happen now b/c we aren't obsessing about it. I want to scream at them. I'm going to go out on a limb here...four and a half years of TTC and not even one BFP...I don't think that's just obsessing. I think that's officially infertility. I'll be honest, it was easier when we were lying to people for so long and just telling people we weren't ready to have kids yet. I do not want to hear one more story about "this couple I know, they tried for years, and just when they gave up and thought they couldn't have kids, they got pregnant." I'm done talking about it...I swear. This journal is now the only place that I intend to discuss the matter.

Yeah, we'll see how that goes...

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Now I've got kids jumping in on the ol' "why don't you have kids yet?" bandwagon.

We had our 8-year old cousin over this last weekend and she asks me why I don't have a baby. I told her that "we just don't," to which she replied "why?" I said, "it just hasn't happened yet." And she said, "you have to sleep with a boy." I responded, "oh, is that how it works." She, very matter of factly in all of her 8-year old wisdom, responded, "yeah, you need to sleep with Aaron more."

Is this standard playground fodder? At the time, I was baffled, although I seriously doubt she really understands the concept of sleeping with a boy. At least I hope not. As I am not her mother, I certainly was not about to expound on this or to talk about it more in general, so I changed the subject to a much more age appropriate one, that being the scheduled programming of the Disney channel. I was much more comfortable discussing the plot and performance of Lindsey Lohan in "The Parent Trap."

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

I've been lurking, trying not to spend too much time here right now since we are sort of in limbo.

I took January off from temping as well. Dec was so relaxing that I could not stand the thought of going back to it. I'm not sure when I'll pick it back up again. Our sex life has become so much more spontaneous like before the whole TTC circus began. I know we'll probably never again be like we were when I was 20 (when he could simply touch my knee and I'd turn to goo), but TTC has made things so planned and calculated. "You need to do me now!" is just not romantic or really all that effective. I didn't really say this, but it certainly felt like it sometimes.

DH would get stressed about it and la-di-da. Sex without all of that crap getting in the way is sooo much more fun, we have rediscovered foreplay, as embarrasing as that is to say. But it seemed like while we were going through infertility treatments, we both knew why we were having sex when we were and it wasn't necessarily because we were feeling randy.

Anyhow, on the TTC front, we haven't talked about it much. I think we are leaning toward IVF b/c, much to my surprise, it is actually a more economically reachable goal for us. I'm still not ready to take that step and will probably consider it more this summer. I really need to concentrate on losing some weight...

Trying to focus on some home projects and maybe think about planning a vacation this year. I want to do something different other than the standard beachy resort type vacation. I know I shouldn't complain b/c some people never get to do such things, but, it doesn't change my mind. It's like always eating at the same restaurant and having the same menu item. Once in awhile, you just need to try something new.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

AF is here and it has me really depressed this month. The witch pulled a nasty trick on me and showed up two days late. I was pretty sure that she was on her way, but never having been pregnant, how would I know the difference between pregnancy symptoms and period symptoms? Anyhow, she is here in full force and effect and I'm ready to beat someone up.

Here's how ridiculous I've been lately. I watched a movie on the Oxygen channel (which is depressing in and of itself) last weekend about a teenager that was pregnant. I bawled. Not b/c the movie was inherently sad, but b/c they always portray teenagers as not wanting the kid or trying to hide it in some fashion. This bummed me out and made me feel oh woe is me-ish.

To follow that up, I watched American Idol this week and came away thinking maybe I don't want to be a parent b/c what if I screwed it up somehow and she/he ended up crazy!

Now I'm just depressed b/c she tricked me into having hope this month when I was doing so well not really thinking about TTC.

Things have been so quiet, unemotional, and uneventful on the infertility issue at home, which I know DH is enjoying. He is knee-deep in planning a hunting trip for this year and making all kinds of plans. It's as if he's forgotten about it altogether. I don't want to bring it up now b/c we said we were breaking from it for awhile, but when will be the right time? Plus, it's not like IVF is cheap and rather than planning trips, I think we should be saving money. But do you think I can tell him that? I can't rain on his parade. He went through a lot too those last months of last year and I know he's dreading moving forward to some extent. I'll just have to bide my time and keep my mouth shut.

Guess I'll just have to drink a lot of alcohol for awhile....I'm doing a pretty good job with that lately as it is. Makes for good drunk sex, not so good Saturday mornings.

I just wish we knew what was really wrong with us...didn't GI Joe say "knowing is half the battle?" Infertility really f***ing sucks!

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

Still on the back burner...

Puppy literally ate my BB thermometer, which to me was a sign. A sign that I should just continue on my "break." DH and I have been considerably less stressed and considerably more spontaneous. However, it seems the BDing is not quite as frequent as when we were officially TTC. Bummer, but such is life...

So, we're not back on the bandwagon yet, nor is there any plan to do so in the near future.

Someone I know that recently adopted gave me several copies of a magazine geared towards adoptive families that are chuck full of useful information. Reading through them and learning about the joys of adoption and seeing pictures makes me really want to move in that direction. I'm back to thinking that I really don't want to go through IVF and deal with the potential of failure yet again. Adoption seems so much more logical. I keep thinking, "why would IVF give me any different results than anything else we've tried." Which I know is simple-minded, but negativity seems to be my strong suit while TTC.

Guess for now I'll just keep on taking a break and thinking about the positives of it just being the two of us.

Joined: 09/07/06
Posts: 41

So it has been over a year since we have done any sort of infertility treatments. I have to say, it's been quite wonderful. No obsessing, no doctor's appointments, I've even become immune to my monthly visitor. I'm all over the board as far as AF goes, sometimes she's a day early, sometimes she's three days late. I've come to accept that I will not get pg on my own so I really have no emotions about it anymore. I know that sounds sort of callous, but I'm just being frank. We know that in order to have a child, it's either IVF or adoption.

We've decided IVF, we just are not ready to move into it yet. DH and I have so enjoyed the last year that it is difficult for me to imagine getting wrapped up again. It was incredibly emotionally tolling....I'm just not ready yet. Getting over the hurdle of whether to IVF was the first step. We've also decided to use a different RE when we do move forward.

Many things have happened this year...one of my two beloved beagles died tragically in May, which completely broke my heart. The only positive coming out of it is that my puppyf***er is no longer such a puppyf***er. He's come into his own and has become a real snuggler. I think he was a little lost without his partner in crime at first, but I am trying to make a conscious effort to pay more attention to him. I think all he needed was a little one on one.

My SIL is pregnant once again...I swear all my brother has to do is look at her. She's due this summer. Many pregnancies around me, but I'm fairly unfazed.

When people ask now, we point blank state that we can't get pregnant. It tends to shut down the conversation real fast. We're okay talking about it and we're actually light-hearted about it, no hard feelings, no harm in asking. But it is those that ask that tend to change the topic. People are apparently uncomfortable talking about it. They don't mind asking why you don't have kids yet, but they're uncomfortable with the answer. Go figure.

I'm focused on dropping some lbs right now. I joined WW in October and am down 21 lbs. I told DH before we venture into IVF, I want to be more healthy and give my body the best chance possible of making it work. Extra weight obviously doesn't help. I'm hoping to drop a lot more...I'm in it for the long haul.

So...it may be another year before I post, but I like looking back at where I've been and seeing the change in my attitude. I'm in such a different place than I was over a year ago.