Hoping for a miracle...
I've spent a lot of time reading other people's journals and I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this crazy TTC world that I've been living in for so long now.
DH and I were married Oct, 2001, after dating for four years. I'm now 29 and DH is 32. I have been off BC since July of 2002. At first we just decided to "let it happen," then we were building a house in 2003 and were actually actively "not trying" by staying away from each other during the time frame that I was likely fertile. After the house was built, we went back at it, but, by the fall of 2005, when we still weren't pregnant, we decided to take the next step. I started tests with my regular OB/GYN, b/w first, then a biopsy of my uterus, then an HSG, and a S/A for the DH. Everything was fine. My OB then told me I was going to have to see an RE b/c he had taken me as far as he could go.
After putting it off for several months, DH and I finally had our first consult with an RE in March, 2006. First, DH had to go through another S/A, b/c our RE did not feel that the previous lab had tested for all of the appropriate things. Come to find out, although the OB had said that DH's swimmers were plentiful, they had not tested for morphology and motility. At our second RE visit, we were advised that DH had low numbers for both - not good news. At that point, I was prescribed prenatal vitamins and DH was told to start taking Vitamin C daily.
Because according to our RE most infertile couples have multiple factors involved in their infertility, I was told that I should still undergo laproscopy so that the RE could "get in there" and see what was going on. Given that I had never had surgery, I was petrified. All I could think was, what if the anesthesia doesn't work for me? Ridiculous, I know... so I put it off....
I got serious in August, 2006 and decided it was time. I had surgery mid-August and found out that I have stage 1 endometrious and one irregularly shaped fallopian tube. For my RE, the endo was the big concern, although the fallopian tube issue apparently increases my chances of ectopic pregnancy. Combined with the male factors, we, as a couple, are just a mess!
Our RE told us at our post-surgery follow-up that if insurance covered it or we had the money, she would move us straight to IVF b/c of our time TTC combined with the issues we have. Not promising. I left the office that day and cried all the way home in the car. DH said, I don't care if it's you and me forever, having kids isn't going to make or break us. He is the best thing in my life, no question.
Nevertheless, we opted to start with meds and IUI. September, 2006, was round 1 at 75 mg of Clomid, with a trigger on CD 13, and IUIs on CD 13 and CD 15. Prometrium for 10 days thereafter. September = BFN.
I did, however, respond pretty well to Clomid with two good size follies on my CD 12 u/s that month. In light of that, my RE kept my dosage at 75mg. This month though I am only having one IUI due to the cost factor.
I am now on CD 6 for the October,2006 cycle. Thankfully, I had no S/E from Clomid this month and I go in on the 12th for my u/s.
I consider myself very lucky that I have very regular cycles and ovulate almost like clockwork on CD 14. I read so many stories of women overcoming obstacles of severe endo or PCOS and end up pregnant. I can only hope that I am so lucky.
We only intend to do IUI three more times tops, definitely twice more. Infertility treatments are so cost prohibitive that we will have to take a break and evaluate our options. It seems silly to throw thousands of dollars at IUI and meds when I could be saving that money for IVF or adoption.
So we'll see what happens.
I'm counting down the days until my next IUI. Thursday is my u/s and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I have at least two good size follies again this month. I'm guessing that the IUI will be scheduled for Friday or Saturday. I'm thinking Friday since I will probably O on Friday.
Last night DH and I had a pretty earnest conversation. DH is not as keen on continuing with IUI and meds as I am. We had talked about this before, but apparently we had a miscommunication b/c I was under the impression that we were doing IUI at least three times and possibly four. He said last night that he thought we were only doing two. By the end of the conversation, we agreed on three and we will see how we feel in December given that the holidays will be upon us. He said that we don't have to "stop trying" when we quit IUIs, but at some point we have to decide to step back. I agree, I just keep hoping that maybe the next time...
I found out a week ago that a close friend is pregnant with her second child, her first is only 11 months. She and her husband conceived both times after only trying for one month. It blows my mind... It should be so easy for all of us. I don't resent them or get upset about their good luck, it just makes me feel sorry for myself. I hate that I feel that way but I can't help it.
I feel like the two of us have a really good outlook on the future and this hand that we've been dealt, but I also know it will take me a long time, probably years, to accept it for what it is. I may never be able to.
Just for kicks, I thought I'd write here some of the things that friends, family, etc. have offered as "advice" into our infertility issues.
* My mother once told me that my alcohol consumption was the problem. I maybe drink once every week or two weeks and only like 3-4 beers/drinks.
* Someone told me to lose weight. Granted I am rather portly these days, but I've seen girls three times my size pregnant, so I'm not buying it.
* Our very "fertile" friends told us to do it doggy-style b/c it worked for them twice. I thought this was actually quite cute!
* Numerous people beyond counting have told me to "just relax."
* My best friend keeps telling me that "it will happen when the time is right." I want to pummel her and she knows it.
* I won't say what my husband's best friend said b/c it is dirty and involves not "putting it in the right place." This of course leads to the next one...
* DH's best friend told us that he would be happy to step in and see if he can help out. Thanks for the offer, but no thanks...
Great, huh?!? I know everyone has dealt with "advice," a post on this topic on another board would be fun to see what outrageous things people have been told.
The weather here in Michigan really sucks today. Raining and cold. It better clear up for the Michigan State v Ohio State game on Saturday. It seems like everytime we tailgate, the weather doesn't cooperate.
I responded to a post yesterday on progesterone s/e and it got me thinking about having to start them again in a few days. I'm guessing RE will tell me to start them on Sunday. I hated them last month. Ten days of dizziness and headaches...it was a real pain in the a**. DH really got sick of hearing me complain.
I'm in a dilemma this month. DH and I are throwing an Oktoberfest party on the 21st, DH brews beer so it is a big occassion. I will be at the end of week one of the 2ww. I typically abstain from alcohol and all other "bad" things during the 2ww. But I really want to be part of the fun and partake in 3 or 4 beverages. I don't know what to do. Part of me says that I'm going through IUI and meds and if I'm putting forth that kind of effort I should be good. Another part of me says, if by some grace of God the IUI works this month, it would only be 7-8DPO and one night of a few drinks wouldn't hurt. I don't know how many of my girlfriends have said, "I didn't even know I was pregnant" and they had some wild night of drinking before they discovered they were pg. But I'm different. Will I be at more of a risk for a pregnancy not "taking" if I drink or can it adversely affect the bean's ability to "stick"? The only answer I find is, "drinking is the worst for a baby in the 1st trimester." I know this, I did pay attention in 8th grade health class. I will obsess over this and probably not drink. Then I'll be really pissed off when AF comes and I'll think, "it wouldn't have mattered."
I must sound like alcohol is really important to me. It's not. Maybe I should look back at my list from yesterday...didn't I write something about my mother saying it was the alcohol?!?
What a weird day! It snowed this morning! Driving in to work, I hit a near white out condition. Wild! Guess that's just Michigan for ya!
My OPK this morning was faint, by every indication, I suppose that means negative. I do have some twinges, so I'm guessing that I'm gearing up to O. My u/s this afternoon will tell...and plus, I'm getting my HCG shot today. So my guess is tomorrow night, just like last month. I'm hoping that my RE tells me that my IUI will be tomorrow afternoon b/c that seems like the best timing, even if I don't O til Sat. morning. I want to be able to go home and take it easy afterward. I know they say it doesn't matter, but I'm superstitious. Saturday we are tailgating and going to a football game, so I'd rather not do it that morning.
We have BD'd every other day for the last week, which was suggested by RE b/c of male factors. RE will probably tell us no more sex until after the IUI tomorrow b/c DH has to give his "sample."
It seems so weird to write about my sex life on a journal here like it is nothing. But, it is also really nice to put my thoughts down. I know DH gets sick of hearing me talk about this stuff and he definitely gets sick of my complaining about medication s/e.
This week is so hectic, all of these drs appts keep me coming and going from the office. I feel like I'm falling behind and need to put in some extra time. Thank God I have an understanding boss and he has told me "whatever it takes." With four young children, he knows what it means to be a parent and wants for me to be able to enjoy the same. A great work environment can make all the difference.
Speaking of work, I better do some...
Well, my u/s yesterday was sort of a bust. I figured that it would be the same as last month, that I would have one or two good follies, I would be given my shot and then I'd be back today for an IUI. Not so... Although I had three follies, they were only at 11, 11, and 12 respectively. Bottom line, I'm not ready and probably won't O til Sunday or Monday. RE wanted me to come in tomorrow afternoon, but we already have committed to going to the Michigan State/Ohio State game. She didn't seem to think that I would be ready that afternoon anyway, she just wanted to do another u/s to see where I was at. Anyhow, long story short, I'm to be in her office at 7:30 a.m. on Monday with my DH's sample in hand, just in case I haven't O'd yet. She will do another u/s and if I've O'd, we won't do IUI, if I haven't we will do IUI. She was hopeful though b/c of the three follies. I'm hopeful that I won't O over the weekend and that when I go in on Monday my follies are really big and fat and ready to pop!
I forgot to POAS this morning and I only have one OPK left so I need to get more today. We have been instructed to BD through tomorrow night. However, if I get a blazing positive OPK on Sunday, I'm thinking I might BD then too even though RE said to hold off for IUI on Monday. My concern is that if I O Saturday night of Sunday morning, what if Monday is too late. But she knows best so maybe I should just follow her directions. I don't know. Either way, I'm definitely going to make sure we get busy the next two days. DH won't complain, I'm sure.
Not having the IUI today or tomorrow actually works out really well for me today. I was stressing about how I was going to accomplish all that needed to be done. Drycleaning, banking, opening a new bank account at another bank, getting leak in tire fixed, picking up something for dinner tonight, painting bedroom, cleaning up flower beds, and going to football game. Plus, we have a flat tire on the lawn tractor that needs to be fixed. Too much... Add a trip an hour out of town and a drs appt into the mix, and my day goes to s**t.
But...game tomorrow, excited! Go State!
I'm a ball of nerves this morning. My dogs broke out of their kennel yesterday and were gone all night. The puppy came back this morning, but my 2 year old beagle, the older, wiser, and lazier of the two, is still gone. I am sick to my stomach. He is affectionately nicknamed "momma's baby" b/c that is just what he is. I slept next to the window, with it open, so that if I heard them come home I could get up and let them in. Needless to say, I didn't sleep. I started bawling at 2:00 a.m. and ended up waking DH up. We live in the country so he could be anywhere, but he is such a lap dog that I just think he would have come home by now. My only solace is that it is raining out. He hates the rain, won't even get off the porch. I hope that he found a spot to hole up in and is just waiting out the rain. My heart will break if he doesn't come home...
My baby came home last night at midnight. I slept with the window open and heard whining and a scratch at the door. I lept from bed and ran to the door. He is hurt, something is wrong with one of his front paws and his belly and ears are really raw and irritated. I'm taking him to the vet tonight to get him checked out. Who knew that a dog could mean so much to someone. God, what a relief.
On the TTC front, so far, my cycle has been extremely odd. I was instructed last Thursday to show up on Monday with a sample for IUI and RE would do an u/s first to see if I "was ready." I wasn't. Went back this morning and although last Thurs I had three follies growing, only one matured to a really good size. Last month I had two and it didn't work, but RE sounded really positive and excited so I'm doing another IUI tomorrow mid-day. She gave me my HcG shot before I left.
I'm not feeling so positive...My OPKs were positive on Sunday and Monday and negative yesterday. I didn't do one this morning b/c I just don't understand. U/s clearly shows I haven't ovulated yet and my temps are all over the board so I can't tell. So confused....I'm wondering if I can even rely on the OPKs. DH and I haven't BD'd since Saturday night b/c RE wanted samply on Monday. Then the dogs went missing and we just weren't in the mood b/c of that. So, I guess we'll do the IUI tomorrow and BD at night and maybe even Friday morning to cover our bases. The BD part isn't a problem, but DH absolutely hates giving a sample. He gets so worked up and nervous about it. He was not thrilled when I told him he'll have to give one tomorrow. I feel bad for him, but he said it's okay. Whatever it takes...
Busy week, party on Saturday and all kinds of crap to do at home. Searching for dogs for two nights has put me way behind. I've got to clean, grocery shop, and do some yard work. So little time.
I am so totally confused about this cycle. I put my temp in FF this morning and it has given me crosshairs at CD15. My u/s yesterday showed that I still had not O'd, but that I had at least one mature follie. So I was given the HcG shot. I'm going in for IUI today and now I'm thinking it is not going to work. I know the u/s showed I hadn't O'd, but what is up with my temps? I quit the OPKs b/c I just don't trust them at all. I guess we'll just have to see...
DH expressed his concern over continuing with IUIs last night. He really has a hard time with giving his sample and is not entirely thrilled with having to keep doing it. I understand where he's coming from, but I also don't want to give up just yet. I don't want to push him to keep going, b/c I don't want to put him through any more if he is just going to resent me for it. He will do whatever I ask him so I don't know what to do. We are going through with the IUI today, but if it doesn't work this month, I don't know whether I can ask him to do it again in November. I guess I'll have to cross that bridge in two weeks.
On a positive note, my dogs are doing better. One has a bum foot that I had checked out at the vet last night. It doesn't appear to be broken, just sprained. I'm babying him of course and giving him extra treats!