Yesterday was my second attempt at an IUI. I pulled in the driveway to pick up DH's sample before heading to the Dr and he handed it to me and said with a smile, "just so you know, that is an excellent sample!" I laughed...
When my RE came in to do the IUI, she asked the nurse what the numbers were and before washing, they were at 82 mil, with 17%, after washing they were over 100 mil, but I missed the percentage. RE said, "those are excellent numbers!" I said, "yeah, my husband said it was a REALLY good sample and he's very confident this time!" My RE laughed. At least we still have some of our sense of humor left in this arduous adventure.
And I do mean arduous. I have been to the RE's office 4 times in the last week, with a 45 min drive each way. This is seriously making me fall behind at work. (As I sit here writing in my journal!) My boss sensed I was worried about it and said he didn't care and whatever it takes...
Plus, I feel like I'm forever thinking about temps, OPKs, u/s, medication, b/w, whatever! I knew it was going to be tough, but I don't know how long I can go through this. I know there a lot of ladies here have been going through this for a lot longer than me and kudos to them b/c it takes a strong person to keep going through it and to experience the kind of disappointment that comes each month upon the arrival of AF. I'm not sure I'm that strong. I'm starting to wonder if I wasn't better off before, just not knowing what was wrong.
Wow....enough woe is me. What a whiner! PARTY tomorrow...lots to do. I think I'm on my way to buy grub to feed my guests.
On another note: I've read a few posts today from people who have experienced losses recently or received bad news...my heart and prayers goes out to each and every one. I've not experienced a miscarriage or anything like it and I cannot say that I know what it is like, but I offer my tears nonetheless because it does make me very sad. I'm so sorry...
I started my progesterone pills on Saturday and, just like last month, they suck! At times they make me very dizzy and cause tremendous nausea. Ten days seems like forever!
DH and I had a very good time at our party on Saturday-good food, good friends, and good times in general.
The 2ww is really a pain...especially when everyone knows I did IUI. Those that are not well-versed in the TTC world do not seem to realize that you don't know IMMEDIATELY after IUI whether you are pregnant. They seem to ask every day. I know they mean well, but it makes it hard. I sometimes wish I'd kept this all to ourselves, but at the same time, I could not go on forever with the "we'll have kids when we're ready." That was a big fat lie.
I foresee a problem if we, by the grace of God, become pregnant and I don't want to tell anyone for awhile until we know it is going to stick. The bottom line, I won't be able to b/c family and close friends all know what is going on.
I've put myself in a real pickle now haven't I?!?!
On another note, I am so freakin' excited about the holidays coming up I can't hardly stand it! Thanksgiving cannot arrive fast enough. And soon, December, which brings my b-day and lots of xmas parties! I'm such a dork!
I feel exactly the same right now that I did this time last month. Weird twingy cramps, no dizziness lately though and that is good. I'm sure the cramps are from the prog pills. The bummer is that I look at feeling the same as being a bad thing b/c last month was a bust. I know I'm being cynical, but I can't help it, why would this month be any different from the last couple years!?!?
Since I've never been pregnant, I obviously don't know what it would even feel like or what would be an "indication" that maybe I'm pregnant. Of course, I've read other people's symptoms or what they post on pg.org, but everyone is different. So what will mine be if by some grace of God I get lucky? I'm sitting here waiting for some sign that it worked this month and I just am not confident.
I want extreme fatigue or nautiousness or really sore bb's so that I know like everyone else. I want to see what a BFP looks like on one of those freakin' sticks.
Today I'm feeling weird. I had almost debilitating cramps in my lower abdomen at lunch. So bad I wanted to curl up in a ball on my office floor. I'm sure it's just the progesterone, but God, I thought for a while I was going to have to go home. It passed and now I just have the fluttering that I've had with prog. My cycle is so off this month due to the Clomid. In a normal month, I would have o'd about CD14 and per my RE I didn't O until CD20. So now, here I am at CD 28, when I'd normally be looking for AF or thinking about a POAS, and I have to wait at least another 4 or 5 days. I know I should trust my doc, but I'm also not entirely sure that I didn't O on CD15 like my OPK seemed to indicate. Needless to say....I'm baffled this month. I guess I will know who's right after this weekend. If I'm right, AF will arrive sometime tomorrow or Sunday. If RE is right, she will arrive this time next week. Or....maybe I'll get lucky and she won't come at all. Doubtful...such a cynic.
DH and I contemplated having one of our young (8 yr.) cousins spend the weekend with us. We occassionally do this with the cousins b/c they get some alone time away from their sibs and they like to come to our house where they can play video games, watch Nickelodeon, and eat junk food! DH wasn't too thrilled though and changed his mind, which was fine b/c we hadn't invited her yet. He said he wanted to just spend the weekend together. I thought it was nice, but when we think or say things like that it makes me wonder if we are cut out to be parents. I guess I probably should have figured that out a long time ago before TTC.
Anyhow, I think about having a child and what that means for us as a couple. We are truly best friends. Will that change? Having a child means no more alone time, at least not much. We become three rather than two.
Selfishness...I know. But, I do want a child more than anything and I have this yearning like I've never known for anything other than wishing my dad were still alive. I wouldn't have that if I wasn't capable of loving and caring and giving myself completely to a child, right?!?
Speaking of my dad, I've been thinking about him a lot lately and really missing him. My 30th b-day is less than two months away and with all of this TTC stuff going on, it makes me think about all of the things that he's missed out on in the last 10 years. My college and law school graduations, my wedding, my niece and nephews, my brothers' weddings....so much has happened. I'm sitting here with a lump in my throat thinking how much I would love a game of golf with him or just to sit and drink a beer. I never got to do either. He loved golf and I didn't start til three years ago, how sad is that. I was ten days shy of my 20th b-day when he passed. It's approaching 10 years... God I miss him.
I felt very odd this weekend. I had AF-like cramps off and on both Sat and Sun. I have this feeling that if I was not on Prometrium that AF would have come, lending to my theory that I O'd around CD15, rather than CD20 like my RE thinks. I may just be nuts. Maybe it was just the Prometrium giving me cramps, but these were very much like AF cramps. Hard to ignore that. Plus my bb's are super sore, which started yesterday. Today is only "supposed" to be 11DPO, so it is too early, I think, to test. I'm scheduled to go in for a blood pg test on Thursday, but I will probably test Wed just to lessen the blow of a BFN a little. I know I sound cynical, but I just have no faith this month whatsoever. I've had such a weird cycle and erratic temps mid-cycle. My temps are still high as of today, which would indicate that I'm not set to see AF yet, but that could just be the Prometrium. Today is the tenth day of it though and I'm supposed to quit to see whether AF comes. I'm sure she will....
Pretty sure this isn't our month. It's 12DPO and yesterday was my last day of progesterone. Now the wait begins to see if AF will show up. I think she will. My temps peaked on Sunday and have dropped .1 degree each of the last two days. I'm still well above coverline, but I have a feeling they will continue to drop. I've had some cramping off and on, plus the twins are sore. All signs point to AF.
Not sure how I'm going to work going in for my Clomid check with the RE b/c if AF arrives on Thursday, CD3-4 will fall on the weekend. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
This sucks. I really just want to see two lines. I haven't tested, don't plan to until tomorrow. Definitely going to test before I head to my blood test on Thurs b/c I need forwarning. I'm so completely depressed today.
If I was unsure before, I'm sure now. I was standing at the copier and felt something, so I went to the bathroom and sure enough, I'm spotting. That was fast after going off Prometrium, considering I took my last one last night at bedtime. Last month it took three days. Whatever...this sucks. I guess I won't need to go for the blood test...I never even had the chance to POAS. This month was f****d up! I think I'm going to ask the RE to put me on Clomid CD3-7 rather than 5-9 this next month. Maybe we'll have better luck...
I think November is going to be our last month of Clomid and IUI. IUI is getting expensive and with xmas coming and the crazy month of December, I'm thinking it would best to take the month off and reevaluate. I know the pressure of IUI is getting to DH and I just don't want to do that to him if he isn't completely game. Right now I think he's doing it for me, but if I said let's quit, he'd be all for it.
We haven't tried injectibles, but I know they are a lot more expensive, plus RE will still want us to do IUI. I'm guessing all total for one month alone we are looking at about $1,500.00. I'd rather start thinking about putting that kind of money toward adoption. But the question is....can I get DH on board with adoption? So far, he's not biting.
Why me? Have I done something wrong that God doesn't think I deserve to be a parent? I don't get it.......
I am not having a good day, as you may be able to tell from the fact that this is my third post today. I'm sitting here staring at my computer trying to focus on work and I can't. DH called to say hi and I told him AF was here. He asked if we're doing it another month. I told him I think so but maybe we should talk about it tonight. He said at some point we need to end this and I agree. This is too much for me I think. I don't think I could even think about IVF. I need to go back to my normal life that doesn't involve going to the RE five thousand times a month. I think November is it for me. One more cycle of Clomid and one more try at IUI.
Then maybe we can talk adoption. I just can't venture into the other stuff, I can't, I can't, I can't....
I have tears welling up and a lump in my throat and I just want to go home right now, crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and cry. I am just sick with sadness.