DH and I have officially decided that November is our last month to do meds and IUI. We have decided that if this month does not work, then we are going to sit back and relax and take some time off from the RE. We aren't going to stop TTC, I'm still going to temp and probably do OPKs, but maybe not in December. I want to enjoy the holidays thoroughly and not worry about this stuff.
After that, we are going to look at two options. Adoption versus IVF. DH is not opposed to adoption, but he still very much wants a child of our own making. Ideally, I do as well, but quite honestly, I don't care either way as long as I get to be a parent. We aren't going to really consider either for about a year. We are going to take some time and look more into both and find out the costs associated, the timeframes, procedure, etc. In the meantime, I think we may think about planning a trip next summer/fall. Something really cool since we didn't really do anything for our five year anniversary.
I had my monthly clomid check with the RE yesterday. This month we are trying CD3-7 rather than 5-9 to see if that moves up my O date. Plus, she increased my dosage to 100mg, which will hopefully give me better follies this month. She told me she thought that after this cycle, if we aren't pregnant, that we should sit down and talk and reevaluate. I get the impression that she is not overly confident that this month will work either. She said she doesn't want to keep continuing on a path that is not successful. I know what she will say...injectables or IVF. We aren't ready for IVF. Injectables are also very expensive b/c our insurance doesn't cover the meds and we would still be looking at more IUIs. DH is not keen on this as I've mentioned before.
I told RE that DH and I had already talked about it and we are going to take some time off and figure out what avenue we are going to go. I am leaning more toward adoption every day. I just don't want to perpetually go through this TTC thing. I want to be a parent, bottom line, and the sooner I get there, the better. There are no guarantees that I will ever get pregnant. Through the right avenues, there are guarantees with adoption.
My best friend called two nights ago to "check in." She knew I had a blood test scheduled for yesterday, but she wanted to call before. I told her it wasn't the month and she proceeded to tell me that she has been researching international versus domestic adoption. She even ordered a book on international adoption! She said just in case we decide that is the route we want to take, she wanted to be up on it and have it all figured out for me. I thought it was incredibly caring and I love her for it. She started telling all of these facts and procedural issues and I'm very interested. DH is coming around to the idea, although he seems to be leaning toward IVF. Either way, we aren't going to do anything just yet, maybe 6 months to a year out.
I'm not looking forward to the next five days. DH's aunt passed away Wed and we are driving from MI to OK tomorrow morning and coming back on Tuesday. 16 hour drive! Last minute emergencies are difficult. Dealing with dogs, packing, groceries for the road, hotel reservations, etc...
Well, the trip to OK was a long drive, ended up being about 18 hours with stopping for food and going potty. Not the best trip obviously considering the circumstances...
I've had very little time to think about my cycle this month so far, although I realize I'm only on CD10. This month we moved to Clomid on CD3-7, any my s/e suck this time. Hot flashes a lot! In the car, I kept having to turn on the a/c periodically to cool off. DH thought I was nuts.
I don't have my follie check until next Tues., which seems light years away right now. I'm feeling like that is late, considering that CD14 is Monday. Because I O'd late last month (CD20), I think my RE thinks I won't O until late again. But....we moved up from CD5-9 to 3-7. I'm confused, but she's the boss.
DH and I had a definitive talk yesterday about our "long term" plan. This month is our last official TTC with the RE month. We are taking a break and have decided not to do anything for six months to a year. The reason being that our next step is either adoption or IVF. Either way, we aren't ready to do either. The issue is tabled for now. Most likely we will move toward IVF, but not until maybe January, 2008. That gives us a year to save money and to regroup.
We've been exploring the "what is wrong with us" issue for a year and a half and TTC for over four. Although I know I will not be able to completely separate myself from TTC, i.e. OPKs and HPTs and maybe even temping, I'm going to try and at least take the next couple of months off. With the holidays, I think I will be distracted enough.
So I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for this month, but if this isn't the month, then I will probably break from here for awhile. We'll see....
I'm concerned that I will ovulate today or tomorrow and my follie u/s isn't until tomorrow late afternoon. My OPK yesterday afternoon was neg and I haven't POAS yet today, but....I have what feels like O cramping going on. Plus, my temp dropped yesterday and went back up today, making me think that I'm going to O soon. So now I'm being negative thinking that we won't have a chance this month b/c I may be too late for an IUI. I think my RE should have scheduled me in for today, but she didn't.
So...I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my u/s tomorrow will show like three big fat follies that are just waiting to burst and this cramping is just them growing like crazy! Hopefully.....
My OPK last evening was a blazing positive. I also had some serious O cramps last night. I don't know what to do, other than go with the flow. DH was tired last night so I didn't press the issue of BD'ing. So we BD'd this morning at like 5:30a.m.-- WAY too early for my liking, but....you gotta do what you gotta do, right?!?!
My follie scan isn't until 3:30 today, which I'm sure will indicate that I have already O'd. We covered our bases on the BD'ing up to this point, Sun. night and this morning. I think IUI will be pointless b/c the timing is off, but maybe I'm wrong. I hate to put down that kind of money when I have this gut feeling that IUI tomorrow morning will be too late. At this point, I'd almost rather just BD tonight or tomorrow morning and call off the IUI. I don't know that RE will like that since this is our last month of treatment for a while. She will most definitely try to talk me into it anyway, I'm sure. After all, they are partly in this to make money.
RE appt on Tuesday was soooo frustrating. Not only did I have to wait for an hour just to go in for a follie u/s, but the u/s showed only one lousy follie at 12 on CD15. I don't know what to think. So in the three months that I've been on Clomid, only the first month produced really good follies. I'm going in today for another u/s, but I'm not hopeful. Last month I had only one follie at 17 on CD19 and the RE opted for an IUI on CD20. Obviously, it was a BFN month.... I'm now skeptical to go ahead with another IUI this month knowing I've only got one follie and that it really isn't very good. RE seems unfazed and just keeps having me come in for u/s to check its progress. I've read some posts here that others' REs won't even do an IUI without at least two good follies. Is my RE just milking me for $400 a pop? I hate to think that b/c I really like her, but I don't know what to think.
To throw another wrench into it, I had a positive OPK on Monday, but my u/s on Tuesday showed an intact follie. So am I have an LH surge prematurely each cycle? I told the RE about the positive OPK, but she seemed unfazed saying, "well, your u/s says otherwise." Yeah, but isn't the only way to test LH surge by way of b/w?
Now I'm starting to question my RE and the procedure she is following. DH says I'm nuts b/c she is the doctor. I covered my bases with BD'ing over the last week, just in case I O'd somewhere along the way, but I don't understand the positive OPK thing versus the u/s. Is Clomid just f'ing with my system?
I don't want to go today. In fact, I don't even want to do the IUI. Maybe I'm being cynical, but I know it won't work with one lousy follie that isn't even very big. WTF!?!?
My u/s yesterday (CD17) showed two follies, both at 18. RE felt they would grow a little more by today, so she gave me my HcG trigger and we did an IUI this morning. DH had over a 100 million swimmers with 80% motility. RE was very happy with this...
I read my post from yesterday and I was seriously negative. I questioned my RE about the OPK issue and she said she wishes I wouldn't even do them b/c they mislead people often. She said that although I may have had a positive earlier this week, my u/s clearly indicated that I didn't have mature follicles until yesterday. So...I don't know if I"m going to bother wasting my money on OPKs anymore. Since we are taking a break after this month, it is really irrelevant anyway. I have such a hard time listening to people and can be so hard-headed.
So I'm keeping my fingers crossed, praying, and hoping with all I have that this month is it for me. Now on to the 2ww and progesterone starting Sun.
Busy weekend! Oh, but only a two and a half day week! What a bonus!
On the fertility front...b/c that seems to be front and center all the time...
RE told us to BD Sat. morning early, but it didn't happen. DH jumped out of bed at 6:15 and went deer hunting and by the time he returned I headed out to grocery shop. Upon my return we had to shower and dress for a wedding, in which my husband was an usher. We didn't get home from the wedding until about midnight and we BD'd then, but it wasn't exactly on RE's time schedule. TMI: It was really great BD'ing though, the really mind-boggling kind!
So...let's hope that those make it there! I'm keeping my fingers crossed!
My temps are up so I know that I O'd on what appears to be Friday. I'm kicking myself for not BD'ing on Sat. a.m., but nothing I can do now but hope that the IUI will serve its purpose.
On another note, I'm really excited about shopping on Friday. I have several things I'm looking for, but really I just enjoy the experience of finding those great deals. I hate shopping in general, unless its Target, but for some reason, I really dig Black Friday. This year will be the first year I go on my own. Previously, I've always had my mother-in-law or my DH. I think I'll do better, cover more ground in less amount of time. But...I will miss the breakfast after shopping. Maybe I can call DH when I'm done and see if he'll meet me...hmmmm. That might work! He loves breakfast out and never says no to food.
I already made my first holiday treat - Chex mix, to which I'm an addict. I hope to do more baking in the next few days, which means I'm going to gain ten pounds this weekend! It's scary - I think I'm turning into my mother. OMG, did I just say that?!? She can be a raging lunatic, but wait, then again, so can I!
I hope it snows on Thursday. That would be perfect for turkey day!
2ww is going very slow this month. I don't think I'm pg. Nothing out of the ordinary this month at all. I had some pretty buckling cramps yesterday, but I associate them as pre-AF or due to the Prometrium as in previous months. Plus, my bbs are sore as can be, SOP for pre-menstrual. My temps are crazy - went up, then took a dip at about 7DPO, then went up, then dipped again today...
Having said that, I had a pretty crazy dream on Sat night. I dreamt that I found out that I was pregnant this month and that I casually dropped it in a conversation with my DH. When he finally realized what I had said, he started crying and then I started crying and we both kept saying, "I can't believe it has FINALLY happened." That was really all there was to it. Clearly, it's on my mind. Plus, I was around two babies and a preg friend on Thanksgiving and shopped for my infant neice for xmas on Friday, so I'm sure there is a correlation. Nevertheless, it was really weird and surreal to experience that "pregnancy" elation, even if it wasn't real. If only I could experience it for real...
It looks like this month is going to be a bust as well. My temp plummeted three days ago and has continued to drop. Not below coverline yet, but I know it is only a matter of a day or so.
Yesterday was really bad, I was super depressed and felt like crying. Because this is the last medicated/IUI cycle for us, I had my hopes extremely high. I should have known better. I really think that the upcoming break from the RE and medication/IUI is necessary for my sanity. Although I cry at Hallmark commercials, I'm typically not an emotional chick. So...this TTC stuff has brought out a side of me that I'm not very fond of.
Of course, I now look back on this cycle and think, maybe if we'd had sex in the morning on such and such a day or maybe if I'd not had that adult beverage that night, or maybe if I had stayed away from coffee... And I realize I'm ridiculous and I probably did all that I could, but, those thoughts still come.
The bummer is, again, I'm supposed to go in for b/w on Friday to confirm +/- pg and I don't want to go...again.