I started spotting yesterday at only 12DPO. I had terrible cramps last night, so bad that I had no choice but to take a pain reliever. I went to bed and cried and cuddled with DH. He again told me that his life is complete as it is and we are very blessed to have what we have. I agree, but I'm still not ready to completely throw in the towel and he said we aren't, we just need to step back from it for awhile.
So, I will be taking a break from treatment with the RE for an indefinite amount of time. Until we are ready to move on. I'm taking December off of everything, including temping, and plan to enjoy the holidays. I plan to visit here to pen my thoughts, and to read how everyone else is faring. I will probably pick back up with temping in January, more so because I've never temped without being medicated and I'm interested in seeing how my body works on its own without drugs.
I'm still very emotional this morning...sitting here with a lump in my throat hoping no one ventures into my office b/c I might open the flood gates. I cannot help but think that it is not fair. DH said life in general isn't fair and I need to stop thinking that way. He is so much more positive than I...I'm grateful to have him because without him, I'd truly be lost.
So I've come to grips with the end of our Clomid/IUI attempts. Taking a break is really quite liberating. I haven't worried about waking up to temp or taking meds. I don't even know what CD I'm on!
Right now I'm enjoying the holiday season. We put up our xmas tree on Sunday and I decorated the house. I've been a domestic diva the last two days, baking up a storm. I tried my hand at my grandma's peanut butter fudge last night and it turned out pretty darn good if I do say so myself. I'm also working on making some ornaments for my brothers and their wives, to put in a care package with the xmas baked goods.
Sunday was bittersweet for me. It was the ten year anniversary of my dad's passing. I thought a lot about him, but I also enjoyed decorating for the holiday. It is still hard on my mom, yesterday she said she didn't even get out of her pjs on Sunday. They got married when she was just out of h.s. and were married for, I think, 28 years when he died. I miss him so much...
Mom and stepdad are coming to celebrate xmas on Saturday so I have a lot to do still. I've wrapped gifts but need to clean....desperately. Plus, I need to figure out what I'm making for our xmas dinner this weekend.
On another note, puppy f***er is having a hard time with self-restraint as it pertains to the xmas tree. He has pulled off several glass balls and has been seen sniffing the snowmen decorations.
I spent some time yesterday lurking on the IVF and Adoption boards just out of curiosity. Both were very intriguing...
The successes of IVF are very encouraging and reading about some women's experiences has me very interested in looking more into this option in the future. DH has already said that he would like to look into IVF more before we consider adoption. I did read some very heartbreaking stuff and scary s/e or reactions as well, which make me think at the same time, is it worth it?
The biggest factor for us right now, although I know it shouldn't be, is cost. If our insurance covered even part of IVF we would move on it right away. But it doesn't. I know I shouldn't have regrets, but I think back to when our RE sat us down after my lap and said if she had her choice given our circumstances, she would go straight for IVF rather than attempt the other protocols. Three months and close to $3000 later, I think, I should have just put that money toward IVF. DH says no, it was a joint decision, and we felt we had to try IUI and meds first. I have come to one conclusion...I am definitely not interested in the injectible meds/IUI option. I'd rather go straight for IVF, if we decide to continue with trying to conceive our own child.
I also spent some time recently researching online about adoption. So much involved! It is very overwhelming, but it seems like there are a lot of agencies out there that can hold your hand the entire time. I am still extremely interested in adoption and want to really consider this option more seriously in the next year.
I am two days away from my 30th birthday. It is a milestone that I've been dreading basically all year. Not really because I'm getting older, but because when we got married, I was 24 and said that I wanted to be done having babies by the time I turned 30. Oh how naive and unknowing I was...
I'm going to try and pass over it like it doesn't matter, nice dinner with the in-laws then dinner with friends this weekend. It does matter though and it is really depressing. I'm completely bummed out. DH can't understand why this is such a big deal to me and, quite honestly, if I had the good fortune to have already had a child by now, I probably would still be taking this hard. Turning 30 is different for women than men. How many times have we heard that men get better with age and women just age?!?
Turning 30 makes me think that I really need to focus on a healthier lifestyle. I really need to incorporate more activity into my life and try to tap into some of that energy that I used to have when I was younger. I mean I was a sports nut, softball, volleyball, basketball, rollerblading, aerobics, swimming, I even took judo in college! Now I do nothing, except dust off my treadmill once and awhile when I get on a kick. Before I got married I was a member of the Y and used to work out at least four times a week. Now I'm nearly completely sedentary and my idea of activity is cleaning house. How sad.
So, I need to find some motivation and tap into it. Eating-wise too. Part of my problem is that I've learned how to cook. But, if your eating homecooked meals and not exercising, well, let's just say that my clothes haven't been comfortable for awhile.
If the holidays would just be over already! Xmas parties, family dinners, goodies in the office, treats from mom, treats from MIL, man....and we have about three more weeks of this?!?!?
Because we are on a TTC break this month, I've just been lurking around reading others' posts. It is really kind of weird. I'm on like CD21 I think so AF will likely arrive right smack between xmas and new years.
My 30th b-day was a real downer. My mom came to celebrate xmas the weekend before and gave me the wonderful gift of the stomach flu. I spent most of my b-day in my pj's with my head hung over the toilet. Doesn't sound like fun does it? Well, it wasn't. I was miserable from last Monday night until the end of the week. Needless to say, I missed work, fell behind on my xmas stuff, i.e. baking cookies, making chex mix, etc., and my house was trashed.
However....my DH completely surprised me and gave me an iPod for my b-day. We never spend that kind of money on b-days so at first I was a little upset, although I've wanted one for months. I love him so much!
Trying not to think about where I am in this month's cycle...if I ovulated last week, which is likely, I was really sick and we did not do a whole lot of BD'ing. Oh well, on a break, right?? So hard....but much needed.
The money factor is interesting. The previous three months when we were dropping wads of cash on doctor's bills for the infertility stuff were really tight and stressful. Probably counter-productive now that I think about it. This month it's like a weight has been lifted. I actually felt like I had loads of money to spend on xmas!
I'm really excited about the holidays, we are going to spend some time with our closest friends and I think it will be tons of fun. Plus there is the whole opening presents on xmas morning thing!
Christmas weekend was very relaxing, five days away from work, hanging with the DH, shopping, gifts, food, what more can you ask for I suppose. A BFP would have been nice, but I know better. As predicted, AF showed up yesterday. CD27. So very regular it makes me sick. Taking a break last month was really nice, very liberating. No worries. DH mentioned over the weekend how much less stressed he felt this month. I don't think I can do all of that to him again. I know there are great successes with IVF, but I just don't know if I want to go through the heartache, waiting, endless doctor's appointments, medications...and, oh yeah, the exorbitant amount of jack that MUST be paid up front or my poor, not so little, infertile *** is SOL.
I've read some other posts recently where gals are getting their BFPs in months where they have been on a TTC break. Why can't that be me? Of course, I had about ten people tell me this month that it will probably happen now b/c we aren't obsessing about it. I want to scream at them. I'm going to go out on a limb here...four and a half years of TTC and not even one BFP...I don't think that's just obsessing. I think that's officially infertility. I'll be honest, it was easier when we were lying to people for so long and just telling people we weren't ready to have kids yet. I do not want to hear one more story about "this couple I know, they tried for years, and just when they gave up and thought they couldn't have kids, they got pregnant." I'm done talking about it...I swear. This journal is now the only place that I intend to discuss the matter.
Now I've got kids jumping in on the ol' "why don't you have kids yet?" bandwagon.
We had our 8-year old cousin over this last weekend and she asks me why I don't have a baby. I told her that "we just don't," to which she replied "why?" I said, "it just hasn't happened yet." And she said, "you have to sleep with a boy." I responded, "oh, is that how it works." She, very matter of factly in all of her 8-year old wisdom, responded, "yeah, you need to sleep with Aaron more."
Is this standard playground fodder? At the time, I was baffled, although I seriously doubt she really understands the concept of sleeping with a boy. At least I hope not. As I am not her mother, I certainly was not about to expound on this or to talk about it more in general, so I changed the subject to a much more age appropriate one, that being the scheduled programming of the Disney channel. I was much more comfortable discussing the plot and performance of Lindsey Lohan in "The Parent Trap."
I've been lurking, trying not to spend too much time here right now since we are sort of in limbo.
I took January off from temping as well. Dec was so relaxing that I could not stand the thought of going back to it. I'm not sure when I'll pick it back up again. Our sex life has become so much more spontaneous like before the whole TTC circus began. I know we'll probably never again be like we were when I was 20 (when he could simply touch my knee and I'd turn to goo), but TTC has made things so planned and calculated. "You need to do me now!" is just not romantic or really all that effective. I didn't really say this, but it certainly felt like it sometimes.
DH would get stressed about it and la-di-da. Sex without all of that crap getting in the way is sooo much more fun, we have rediscovered foreplay, as embarrasing as that is to say. But it seemed like while we were going through infertility treatments, we both knew why we were having sex when we were and it wasn't necessarily because we were feeling randy.
Anyhow, on the TTC front, we haven't talked about it much. I think we are leaning toward IVF b/c, much to my surprise, it is actually a more economically reachable goal for us. I'm still not ready to take that step and will probably consider it more this summer. I really need to concentrate on losing some weight...
Trying to focus on some home projects and maybe think about planning a vacation this year. I want to do something different other than the standard beachy resort type vacation. I know I shouldn't complain b/c some people never get to do such things, but, it doesn't change my mind. It's like always eating at the same restaurant and having the same menu item. Once in awhile, you just need to try something new.
AF is here and it has me really depressed this month. The witch pulled a nasty trick on me and showed up two days late. I was pretty sure that she was on her way, but never having been pregnant, how would I know the difference between pregnancy symptoms and period symptoms? Anyhow, she is here in full force and effect and I'm ready to beat someone up.
Here's how ridiculous I've been lately. I watched a movie on the Oxygen channel (which is depressing in and of itself) last weekend about a teenager that was pregnant. I bawled. Not b/c the movie was inherently sad, but b/c they always portray teenagers as not wanting the kid or trying to hide it in some fashion. This bummed me out and made me feel oh woe is me-ish.
To follow that up, I watched American Idol this week and came away thinking maybe I don't want to be a parent b/c what if I screwed it up somehow and she/he ended up crazy!
Now I'm just depressed b/c she tricked me into having hope this month when I was doing so well not really thinking about TTC.
Things have been so quiet, unemotional, and uneventful on the infertility issue at home, which I know DH is enjoying. He is knee-deep in planning a hunting trip for this year and making all kinds of plans. It's as if he's forgotten about it altogether. I don't want to bring it up now b/c we said we were breaking from it for awhile, but when will be the right time? Plus, it's not like IVF is cheap and rather than planning trips, I think we should be saving money. But do you think I can tell him that? I can't rain on his parade. He went through a lot too those last months of last year and I know he's dreading moving forward to some extent. I'll just have to bide my time and keep my mouth shut.
Guess I'll just have to drink a lot of alcohol for awhile....I'm doing a pretty good job with that lately as it is. Makes for good drunk sex, not so good Saturday mornings.
I just wish we knew what was really wrong with us...didn't GI Joe say "knowing is half the battle?" Infertility really f***ing sucks!
Puppy literally ate my BB thermometer, which to me was a sign. A sign that I should just continue on my "break." DH and I have been considerably less stressed and considerably more spontaneous. However, it seems the BDing is not quite as frequent as when we were officially TTC. Bummer, but such is life...
So, we're not back on the bandwagon yet, nor is there any plan to do so in the near future.
Someone I know that recently adopted gave me several copies of a magazine geared towards adoptive families that are chuck full of useful information. Reading through them and learning about the joys of adoption and seeing pictures makes me really want to move in that direction. I'm back to thinking that I really don't want to go through IVF and deal with the potential of failure yet again. Adoption seems so much more logical. I keep thinking, "why would IVF give me any different results than anything else we've tried." Which I know is simple-minded, but negativity seems to be my strong suit while TTC.
Guess for now I'll just keep on taking a break and thinking about the positives of it just being the two of us.