How It All Began - TTC#1 (pg ment)
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Thread: How It All Began - TTC#1 (pg ment)

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    Default How It All Began - TTC#1 (pg ment)

    Well, I’ve been thinking that keeping a journal of my TTC experience would be a good idea so I’m very excited to find this forum.

    My DH and I were married in October, 2005 and started thinking about TTC right away. We figured the springtime would be a good time to start trying and we stuck to this plan for a little while. Around Christmas, however, my impatience kicked in so we decided that after my birth control pills ended for that cycle we would start trying then.

    I finished up my pills and started my last AF on January 21, 2006. Little did I know I wouldn’t be seeing again for a while! I had been on the pill for 10 years and am embarrassed to admit that I did not know how badly it could screw up your cycles when you stopped taking it. Of course, like many newbie TTC’ers, I got all excited when my period was late the first month. Every twinge, every ache…I saw them all as signs that I must be pregnant. I began peeing on sticks like a woman possessed, but kept getting BFN’s. I reveal to you here, for the first time, the actual number of tests I took – 8! In about a 10 day period. No one else in the world knows that but you and I.

    It was around this time that I began researching online, trying to figure out what was going on. Imagine my joy to learn that saying goodbye to my good friend, the birth control pill, had most likely screwed up my cycles for the next few months. Oh, I was peeved – had I known this, I would have stopped taking the pill much earlier to allow for a few months of irregularity. The second thing I learned from my research (and again, I’m embarrassed to admit I did not know this) was that the periods you have while on the pill are not “real.” Hmmm…..

    I began to get very scared at this point. Several years ago, my older sister had stopped getting her periods for no apparent reason. She was 28 at the time, and as she and her DH did not want children she thought this was great. No periods, no pms….awesome! She went without periods for 2 years, until she had to see her doctor for another reason and he freaked out when she told him how long she had gone without a period. He put her on progesterone, her periods returned, and all has been well since then.

    Now, this in itself did not scare me too badly. But my mother had also stopped getting her periods while in her late 20’s and needed progesterone to begin having them again. And even once they returned, she was not ovulating and ultimately needed a fertility medication to become pregnant. It took her years of trying to conceive with both my sister and me.

    So here I was at 30, with a missing period and a family history of screwed up reproductive systems. What if my “normal” periods had stopped sometime in my twenties and I didn’t know it because I was on the pill? Would I ever have a normal period again? What if I don’t ovulate? What if my head explodes from all these questions?

    So, armed with my 8 BFN’s and my newly acquired knowledge I marched off to my doctor’s office. I was torn between my hope that I was one of those freaky women whose urine doesn’t test positive even though they ARE pregnant, and my fear that I had early menopause (or maybe if I was really lucky, some fatal illness that had kidnapped my period). Oh yes, I was a happy woman.

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    As expected, my doctor suspected that my absent period was due to coming off the birth control pills – although he didn’t completely rule out pregnancy. He did some blood work, including a pregnancy test and thyroid, sugars, iron, folic acid….all the good preconception stuff. Then came the line that I hate: “We’ll call if the tests show anything….if you don’t hear anything from us then the results are fine.” Great. I’ll just sit around waiting, not knowing if I should still be expecting a call or not. Grrrr.

    The next few days were absolute hell. I am not a patient person and all this waiting was killing me. I caved in and called the doctor’s office to see if my results were back, and found out they were. Unfortunately my doctor had decided to take a poorly-timed holiday so he wasn’t in the office! The nurse assured me that he would have had another doctor call me if the tests had shown anything out of the ordinary. Sorry, not enough information for me! What about the freakin’ pregnancy test? I really need a yes/no here, lady.

    After some shameful begging, the nurse finally agreed to tell me the results of my pregnancy test over the phone (a big no-no around here). And alas, the test was negative.

    At this point, I became quite depressed and was convinced that my ovaries were closed for business and I would never be able to reproduce without medical assistance. I scheduled another doctor’s appointment for a couple of weeks later, fully planning to demand some drugs to restore my period. Who cares if it’s only a few weeks late, and this is totally normal when coming off the pill? I had lost all capability for rational thought at this point (something which happens quite frequently with me).

    I settled in for my very own special 2ww until my doctor’s appointment. The time passed very slowly. Until one day, I started to feel some cramps – not a lot, just enough to get my attention. And the next day, they got a little worse. And the day after that, hallelujah, my period arrived!! Sound the trumpets!! Alert the media!! My period is here!!


    DH officially wrote me off as insane at this point.

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    After I finished my happy dance to celebrate the arrival of my period, I became even more focused on getting pregnant. I’m now heavy into temping and charting, and kind of keeping an eye on my CM although I don’t really think I know what I’m doing there.

    I think that brings you up to date on what’s happened so far. I have no idea if I’ll continue to have wonky cycles, although I’m hoping I go back to my usual 30-day schedule. If so, I’m right around the point where I should be starting to ovulate. Wish me luck!

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    You know, I'm sitting here (at work, and totally not working) thinking about all the stuff I don't know about my own body. I've learned so much in the last couple of months but there is still so much I don't know or understand...I think it's really quite sad that a lot of women have this level of confusion about their own physical health.

    I think a lot of it is our own hesitation to talk with other women about things that happen with our bodies. I mean, really - did you ever discuss your CM with anyone before you started TTC? Did you even know the phrase CM existed and that you had it?

    Trust me, I know some women with whom I would never want to have this sort of conversation. But it would be nice if it were possible to talk about this stuff with close female friends. I'm sure some people have that type of support network, but for some reason it's not something that my friends and I talk about. And I'm pretty sure it's not a line they want me to cross.

    That's why I'm glad that forums like this exist. You're surrounded by people in a similar situation, who often have answers to the questions you can't imagine asking anywhere else!

    On a totally different topic, I broke down and bought OPK strips last night. I can't believe how expensive they are - $40 for 5 strips? Ridiculous. I ordered some online cheapies but they won't be here til next week and I think I might O in the next few days. At least I hope I will.

    You know, I'm pretty sure if it were men who ovulated these OPK's would be a lot cheaper. But I guess that's a rant for another day.

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    I picked up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility last night, and so far it's been an excellent guide. I have to say though, the pictures of different kinds of CM have me a bit worried. I can honestly say I've never had any type of fluid that looked either creamy or ewcm based on these pictures.

    Well, I refuse to panic about it. If I don't have any CM like that this month I'll get some Pre-Seed to help the spermies get where they need to be.

    I'm on CD 15 and my temps are staying low, so I have no idea when I might O this cycle. DH and I are trying to BD every other day, so hopefully that will "cover our bases". DH is recovering from surgery so he's still in a fair amount of pain, but so far he's been up to the challenge!

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    I might have to kill my cat.

    OK, not seriously, but he's definitely messing up my temps. For the last week or so he's been jumping all over us at 4am and he will not stop! Even if we kick him out of the room and shut the door he scratches at it nonstop. WTF?? Honestly, I think he knows I'm TTC and is not happy about it. (He is rather prone to jealousy.) Little bugger. So I am still taking my temps at 6:30am, even though I've been in and out of sleep since 4am. I'm not really sure how being awake affects your temps, if you're still in bed and haven't gotten up or been moving around.

    I'm feeling a little blue, not quite sure why. There are lots of interesting posts on the TTC 0-12 months board, but I can't find the enthusiasm to respond. I think it's because my DH seems less eager to have a baby than I am. He really thinks we should "let it happen naturally" while I'm all about temping and charting and all that other good stuff. He made a comment last night that he thinks some of the stuff I do is crazy (like raising my hips after BD). He's a great guy and a fantastic husband, but sometimes he needs to think before he speaks.

    Frankly, I think he and the cat might end up in the spare bedroom tonight.

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    I ended up forgiving both DH and the cat last night, so it was a full bed after all - me, him, and the two cats (yes, we have two, we refer to the 2nd as the "good" cat).

    I am still feeling rather down in the dumps today. I'm pretty anxious and confused about TTC. I thought I was having a pre-O dip yesterday but my temps stayed low today. I'm only having sticky CM and as I mentioned before, I don't think I have ever gotten anything other than that. *sigh*

    I just wish my temps would go up, even if I didn't get pregnant I'd feel better just knowing I ovulated. I kind of feel stupid being so concerned when this is only my second cycle of TTC and other women have been trying for so much longer. But I can't help the way I feel.

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    So it's CD 19 and my temps are still low, although today's is a little bit higher. Now I'm trying to figure out if the temp rise at ovulation is always a spike or if it can crawl up over a few days as mine seem to be doing. I've been looking it up online and some sites say it can go either way, so based on that I might have O'd.

    BUT (isn't there always a but??)....I've been using OPK's and haven't had a positive.

    OPK #1 (CD 13) - really faint but I wasn't expecting a positive anyway, I was really just playing around because I had never used one before.
    OPK #2 (CD16) - still light but darker than the first
    OPK #3 (CD 17) - very close to positive, I had to really examine it to decide if it was pos or neg.
    OPK #4 (CD 18 ) - back to light again

    Now, some people say that a neg is a neg and it doesn't matter how dark the line is - if it isn't darker than the control line it's just negative. But other people say that some women's test lines get darker as they approach O and then lighten again after o. So maybe I O'd overnight (between CD 17 and 18 )?

    At this point I would kill to see a huge spike in my temp, or a pos OPK, or even a big pile of fertile CM. I really hate not knowing what's going on!

    Someone recently posted a question on the TTC 0-12 months board asking which people found harder, the 2ww for ovulation or the 2ww for AF. Right now, I'd have to say that this wait for O is killing me!! I'm really anxious to see if I even O at all. Here's hoping I get a great big temp rise tomorrow morning!

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    There was a little rise in my temp this morning, but nothing significant. BUT.....I had ewcm last night! Woohoo!

    I was very surprised as I have never had this before. I can't wait to jump DH as soon as I get home from work today.

    I still haven't had a pos OPK. I started out using First Response OPKs and had lines of varying colors on those, but none darker than the control. Then I started using some cheap OPKs I ordered online from earlypregnancytests.com. I have no lines at all on those. I'll keep testing, maybe I'll get a pos tonight.

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    Last night did NOT go as I had planned.

    So I was all excited to BD as I had finally gotten ewcm. DH, unfortunately, was not as eager. To be fair, he had had a rough day at work and a very painful physio appointment. (I don't think I mentioned this before, but he had knee surgery in January and is having a difficult recovery. The pain is severe enough to affect his "performance" and we can't BD as often as we used to.) So he was tired and sore and not in the mood at all. I was so disappointed and couldn't really hide it.

    We ended up having a long talk about how we have different approaches to TTC (I'm way more analytical than he is, he thinks it should happen naturally). He's concerned that I'm going to be devastated if I don't get pregnant this cycle and that I will just get more and more depressed if it takes a while for us to conceive.

    I do have a history of depression. But I am on medication that works wonderfully for me so for the most part it's not a problem. DH is worried that I will go into another depression if we don't get pregnant as quickly as I hope, and I can't say that he's wrong. I know myself well enough to realize that this could happen. I have been pretty obsessed with getting pregnant and it's only my second cycle of TTC.

    So I guess I need to try to be a bit more rational with things, although it seems so hard to do right now. I just feel like we can make this happen if we can get the timing right. One side of me feels like I'm putting all this effort into charting temps and examining CM, and all he has to do is perform when I ask him to. The other side realizes how selfish and unfair of me it is to put pressure on him to BD when there are so many things going on in his life right now.

    That being said, I'm still going to chart temps, do OPK's and all that. I'm just going to have to realize that the world doesn't revolve around my eggies, even though I seem to think it does. I am going to be more understanding with DH and I think this will help keep me from getting too obsessed with things that I ultimately can't control.

    I'm still as eager to have a baby as I ever was, but I'm going to try to make this a journey for us to enjoy.

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