Well, I've been debating for awhile if I wanted to start one of these journals or not. But I know I'm going to need something to keep me occupied during the torturous 2WW, so I figured this would be a good distraction!
My name is Jessica and I'm 26 years old. I'm married to a WONDERFUL man named Eric who is also 26. We've been married for 3 1/2 years and have a beautiful little boy named Jackson. He was born in February 2006, so he's a little over two years old, which is SO hard to believe! I want to know how my baby has transformed into this little boy before my eyes so quickly!
We've been discussing when we wanted to start TTC #2 for a long time.... but it seemed that I always had some sort of excuse. I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to wait until Jackson was a little older, etc etc. It's complicated.... I've had major baby fever for a long time now, but honestly, I've been scared. I had a pretty negative birth experience with Jackson.... after 17 hours of labor, I was coerced into having a c-section, which I did NOT want. I've been very negatively affected by that c-section.... I feel that it was completely unnecessary and I get very sad when I think about his birth. I will be attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after ceasarean) with the next baby, so I think I've just been scared.
But over the last few months, I have let go of that fear and really worked on working through my emotions over Jackson's birth and now I'm TOTALLY ready for the next kiddo! This month is our first month TTC.... I ovulated yesterday and now we just wait and see if this is the month God has planned for us! If not, I'm not going to stress about it... I know it'll happen when it's supposed to. But of course, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
So here I am, 1 DPO and wishing these two weeks will just fly by!
I have NO clue how I'm going to make it through this 2WW.... it's absolutely dragging.
I had lots of crazy dreams last night, but one in particular that I was newly pregnant and showing pictures of an early ultrasound to friends. I know it doesn't mean anything, but it sure made me realize just how ready I am to have another baby!
It's driving me nuts knowing that since I'm only 3DPO right now, even if we were successful this month, implantation still hasn't happened! I just want to fast forward these next two weeks!!!
Not really feeling like we succeeded this cycle, I'm not sure why!
Guess we'll find out in another week!
Last edited by Jesseroo; 06-24-2008 at 04:17 PM.
Okay, so I just feel like venting. Not really venting, but just feeling sorry for myself.
I talked a little bit about how much I HATED the way my little boy was born into this world. I wish I could understand why I'm so affected by my c-section. Why can't I be like so many other women out there and just not care either way how he was born? I want to understand why I get so upset and emotional whenever I think about it.
I always dreamed about the day I would give birth. I always pictured that moment when I saw the baby's face for the first time and looked into his eyes right when he was born. I didn't get to experience that at all. Instead, I was strapped down to a table with a sheet blocking any sort of view of my precious baby being born. I heard his first cry, but they didn't even hold him up for me to see. They brought him over to the observation area and all I could see was his tiny foot for the first ten minutes of his life. When my husband finally was allowed to bring him over to me to see, I couldn't even touch my son because my arms were strapped to the table. I got to see his sweet face for 20 seconds before I started vomiting from the drugs. I then proceeded to go in and out of consciousness.
After all of this, I was wheeled into recovery and still had no idea where my baby was. I spent NINE months with that little boy in my tummy and now he was gone. I hadn't even gotten to hold him or kiss him. Then I started having a severe allergic reaction to one of the medications they had given me during the surgery. My eyes swelled shut, my throat was swelling, I started having a hard time breathing. I truly thought I was dying.
Because of all of this, I didn't get to see my newborn son for almost FOUR hours after he was born. Everyone else got to see him before me.... that just doesn't feel right to me. Even thinking about it is sending me into tears right now.
Anyways, so here's where I am feeling sorry for myself.... why do I feel like I am the ONLY one in the world who had to have a c-section?? Of course I know that's not true.... 1 in 3 women have to have a c-section (ARGH, so wrong!). But lately I've had many of my friends have babies.... every single one of them have had the most perfect, beautiful labor and delivery. I can't help but start the whole "Why me?" feelings. Why couldn't I do what my body is naturally supposed to do? I feel like such a failure sometimes.... I feel like I'm broken. And not only am I broken, but now I've got a scar on my womb. In the medical community, I am now viewed as "scarred". I will never get my normal birth without TRULY fighting for it. But you know what? I'm more than willing to fight my heart out for my next baby's birth. I WILL VBAC NEXT TIME. I will succeed.
I just want to stop feeling like this.... I'm tired of feeling like I'm not as much of a woman as women who have natural births. I didn't get to experience that "right of passage" like so many others.... why? WHY couldn't my body work?
Okay, venting done for now.....
So we've been having a great few days with my sister-in-law and two kiddos (Jaeden and Ella)! They're visiting from across the state and we've just had a blast. It's been a great way to distract my mind from this 2WW business.
On another note, I woke up this morning with some knarly symptoms. LOTS of nausea throughout the day... waves of it that would come and go. I almost puked up my breakfast this morning, which was really startling. I've also been having lots of sharp little pains in my lower tummy. My boobs are feeling somewhat sore as well.
However, I'm really making myself convinced that I am NOT pregnant. First off, I don't want to be disappointed. Second, I still have a hard time believing that we will be successful on the FIRST month of trying! So yeah, I have a feeling I'm just making up these symptoms in my head.
Just sitting here, twiddling my thumbs and waiting another few days before I test. It would be SO cool to announce my pregnancy on the 4th of July!
Okay, I couldn't help myself..... I took a test. BFN.
TOTALLY not surprised considering I am only 9dpo. I got my first FAINT FAINT positive with Jackson when I was 12dpo. Like so faint that I had to take the test apart to even see the shadow of a line!
No more testing for me.... I'm just gonna wait for AF and if she doesn't show, THEN I'll take a test!
Lots and lots of pinchy feelings in my tummy today, as well as some cramping. Maybe I'm JUST now having implantation....?
Okay okay, so I just for the heck of it, I peed on two OPK's because I needed to feed my POAS addiction!
They both came up with faint lines, but after researching a little on the internet, it looks like it could be both good or bad. Either it's picking up the small amount of HCG that could be in my body or it's just picking up the small amount of LH that's still in my body from ovulation. So it didn't solve anything except making me more crazy!!
But y'know.... I keep going back and forth.... one minute I'll totally believe I'm pregnant... the next minute I'm 100% convinced that I'll be seeing the witch in five more days!
The 2WW is truly torturous....
Last edited by Jesseroo; 06-30-2008 at 10:54 PM.
So out of nowhere this evening before taking a bath, I noticed a GIGANTIC blue vein going right down the areola of my right nipple! The ONLY time I remember seeing this is when I was pregnant with Jackson.... hmmm...
Still trying very hard to not get my hopes up and continuing to tell myself that I am NOT preggo.
Ummm...... so.... yeah.....
FIRST month trying.... taken this morning THREE days before AF is supposed to be here.... HOLY CRAP!!!