Journal #1 (v.5)
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  1. #1
    cnlp
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    Default Journal #1 (v.5)

    Well I'm back. Not ttc yet, just had my precedure yesterday. Can't ttc until the dr. says ok. I just needed somewhere I can go and get some of these feelings out.
    I am sore but don't really hurting. I am taking pain meds, but right now just pretty much taking to relieve the mental pain, which is unbearable at times. Like I told Teresa, I think they took my heart with Little Bit. Or maybe I wish they did. My heart hurts so much. Everyone is tring so hard to help, and they do alittle, but I just think I need time. I can't remember how to feel not being pg. All my energy went into being pg, and now I don't know where to put all that energy. I will feel that joy again, I just know it, but I will never forget my precious Little Bit. He/she tought me how to live for someone other than myself. Little Bit showed me that life isn't all about Dayna, and that was so wonderful. Granny has my precious Little Bit and I know that she will take such good care of him/her.
    I have started my crying thing again, having hard time seeing the computer.
    Prayers to Troops, their families, Prez Bush, Lisa, Teresa, all the ttc and all the mommies to be.
    Lisa so sorry af came, and Teresa, hope Lisa keeps her busy for you. I would just love it if you got the BFP.
    Love you all and thanks for all the positive vibes. I am coming back!!!

  2. #2
    cnlp
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    REAL DOWNER, JUST WROTE TO GET OFF MY CHEST. PLEASE DON'T READ AND FEEL SORRY FOR ME. I JUST NEED TO DO THIS!!!!
    THANKS!!!!

    Well, I came back to work today. Not sure if this was the right thing. Wishing everyone would just ignore me. Act like I wasn't here. I don't want to carry on and chit chat. I feel hopeless. Wish this feeling would go away, I'm not use to feeling this way. Everything I have been looking forward to seems like a waste of time. I wish I could figure a way out of this. Everyone is trying, but nothing is working. I am just making everyone miserable with me. I think that is what is really getting me down. I don't want any to be down on the count of me. I just want to crawl in a hole and let everyone go on without me. Not forever, just for now. I just feel if I could just get this out I would be better. We are suppose to go to a wedding out of town this weekend. I really really don't want to go, but I don't want to ruin everyone elses plans. I just don't know what to do. This black hole is really getting old, very old. I have to figure a way out. I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!! I need hope again. Maybe when I go back to the Dr. and he tells me everything is a go. Hopefully I will not have to wait that long.
    I miss my Little Bit.
    Prayers to the troops, their families, Teresa, Lisa and the rest of the ttcers, I'll be back soon, and all the mommies to be, hope to see you soon also.

  3. #3
    cnlp
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    Well it is Friday. I have decided not to go to the Wedding tomorrow. I just think that this their time in the sun and I just feel like I have nothing to contribute. Alot of people will be there that know and I just not quite ready to face the world with this. I spend the better of last night crying. I just can't quit. I am thankful for one thing, that it is this week and not last week. I don't think I could live through that again. All the bleeding has quit, all of the soreness is pretty much gone. Nothing left of my Little Bit but memories. I just want to get on with my life. I know where my bro was coming from when he said he went into such a depression when Granny died that he just had to make himself get out of bed. That is the way I feel. I really don't want to do anything. Nothing!!
    Nick is sick again. He left side of his head is swollen, my poor baby. When it rains it pores. I am taking him to the vet first thing in the morning. I just pray that he is OK. I don't think I could handle anything else.
    Prayers to troops, their families, Teresa hope this is your mo., Lisa I'm so sorry AF came, maybe we can get back into next mo together, thanks for the thoughts in you je., prayers to all the ttcers, Kelly thanks for your well wishes, and all the mommies to be.
    Joann thanks for all of your help also. It is nice to know that I am not alone and you, Teresa and others are so much help.

  4. #4
    cnlp
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    OK, I have done this twice now. Why is this board so hard to get along with?????????????
    I feel alittle better this morning, so far just one crying fit. I had to go the dr. they think I have an uti, this really sucks. I started temping this morning. 98.0 I just can't stand being in this limbo land. I feel worthless. I need to find a way out of this negativity.
    I need everyone to pray for my Dad, he is having a hernia surgery this morning and Nick goes in of his bone test tomorrow. If these 2 prayers are answered, I will start my way out of this black hole. It just seems everything is coming at once. I WANT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Teresa, looked for you je, I hope af stayed away.
    Lisa hope AF went away and you are getting started on next mo.
    I am cheering for both of you.
    I came in this morning to find out they let the other lady in the office go. I know she was grouchy and had to get along with at times, but she did a good job. She is 59. Life isn't fair.
    I want to start loving life again. Maybe if Dad and Nick are OK that will be a start.

    Prayers to the troops, their families, Teresa, Lisa and the rest of the ttcers and all the mommies to be.
    Everyone thanks for your warm wishes. They have really helped.
    Love you all.
    ((((((((((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  5. #5
    cnlp
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    One more day down. My temp was 97.9. I feel like I can see alittle light at the end. Today is one week since they took Little Bit from me. Just kinda numb. I don't want anyone to talk to me or mess with me. I just want them to leave me alone. I don't think that is too much to ask.
    I got up at 6:00 to take Nick to the dr. this morning to discover, his food and water was never taken up. I called the Dr. this morning and am waiting for her to return my call. I was just so ready for someone to help or tell us what to do to make him better, he is so pitiful. My Bro bought him some of those water balls, he has been playing with them, he can only open his mouth maybe an inch. He just breaks my heart.
    Last night I got the scare of my life. DH let the hairy ones out and I got to missing Lacey, she is the blind one. I asked Chris if she had come in and he said he had fallen asleep. I went running outside and no Lacey. I went straight for the road. Just screaming, Finally here she came just running down the road, that just took the life right out of me. I just went screaming inside and told dh that she was not to go out without one of us watching her. I was so scared, I just can't shake that feeling. I guess I shouldn't have screamed at dh but he should have kept an eye on her. I would just die if something had happened to her.
    I am tired of being scared and tired. I just want to be normal again. Or as normal as I have ever been.
    Dad's surgery went well, he is just in alot of pain. He was taking some major pain meds. We laughed at him most of the night. He did say that when we get pg again, he was giving me the LHS to carry the baby in. We will see what he has to say about that when he comes to his senses.
    Dr. just called, they want to wait to see Nick until tomorrow. Oh well, I guess it will be another early morning.
    Please pray for him, I really need for him to be OK.
    Better get to work, since I have double the usual.
    OH yea is anyone watching AI. GO CLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Prayers to the troops, their families, Prez Bush, Lisa, Teresa, all the ttcer and all the mommies to be. Lisa where are you??? Teresa, I am so sorry that af found you. Maybe this next mo will be ours, I pray every day.
    Lotsa luck and baby dust!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. #6
    cnlp
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    Good morning all. Temp 98.2. temps really weird. Oh well.
    Had a very restless night. Taking Nick to the Dr. is really bothering me. I am so afraid of what they are going to tell me. I really really cannot take anymore bad news right now. I just can't stand my baby being in pain like that.
    They put Dad back in the hospital last night. They think it is just him getting sick from his pain meds and not eating, nothing bad, thank goodness.
    DH and I had a talk last night. He want to wear protection until I at least get my first AF. I told him to hold off until I go to the Dr. in a week. I told him we would do what the Dr. suggests. I will try anyway.
    I tell you what, all of my shows except for AI, pg everywhere. Seventh Heaven, General Hospital, Everwood, Smallville just to mention a few. My gosh, everything I watch, and of coarse they are all unplanned. What is this, are they just trying to make this harder. I am just hopping that when the series come back on in the fall, I will be pg also. That would be ok. More than ok, it would be Wonderfully GREAT!!!!!!!!!!
    OK everyone is coming in.
    Prayers to the troops, their families, Prez Bush, Teresa hope dh Dr. appt goes well, and you go girl on the new board. I don't know how you find the time. Lisa, we miss you!!!!!!!!!!!
    I just want to thank everyone for helping me get through this time in my life. I don't think I would be sane right now if it weren't for Teresa, Lisa, Joann, just to mention a few, but there were many more. All of you have been just a tremendous support, I just thank the Lord for each and everyone of you.
    Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. #7
    cnlp
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    I just got off the phone with the Dr. for Nick. She thinks it is a tumor, but they will not know until the pathologist looks at his films. I don't know why all of this is happening to me. It isn't fair. I can't loose my baby, not another one. I just don't know what to do, just when I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, someone blows the end of the tunnel up. I hate this. I would love to scream and cry, but it gets me nowhere. Nothing gets me anywhere, nothing. I just don't know what to do next, or if I should just give up. Right now giving up sounds real good. Really good. I am very angry right now, I need time to breath, but that doesn't really matter I don't guess.
    I'm so sorry, I just don't have anywhere to go.

  8. #8
    cnlp
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    98.2 temp.
    I was driving in this morning after having a crappy day yesterday, I was thinking ok Nick has a tumor, but hopefully it is something that we can fix. I am keeping my hopes up. DH and I are going back to our routine as of today. I have taken all my meds and am free to make love again. I was thinking, ok things are coming back together. RIGHT!!
    I came in this morning to work, everyone is yelling at me for everything. Since they let the other lady go, I am the only one that is here to do all the crap stuff, and on top of that, the big boss calls and tells me to get rid of my radio and to do something about my handwritting. I came back so mad I could cry, I came in and unplugged my radio and thought very seriously about throwing it away. And the thing about my writting, I have lost some use of my hand after I had it operated on. My writting is as good as it gets. OH yeah he also said that I need to make sure I have everyone that calls in spell their name, because I can spell worth S---. Can you believe he said that. I am getting where I just don't like anyone around here. No one cares, they are all just out for themselves. I hope I never get that bad that I forget about worring about other people. I will have to type later, someone else is jumping my butt for something else that someone else done.

  9. #9
    cnlp
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    Sorry about that last entry. I made a run to Kinko's and calmed down. I really shouldn't let people get to me like that. I know it is just because they feel bad and try to make everyone around them feel bad too. Well, crap on that. They can all bite my big old white butt.
    I am going to try to have a new outlook. I will do what I can and if that isn't enough, try firing me, I would love to see this place run with just the 2 guys, they don't even know what we have filing cabinets for. Ha ha.
    I have to go, Teresa, I really really hope you get to feeling better. You take care of yourself. I will pm you later.
    Lisa have an awsome time on your 3 day weekend!!! Have some fun for me.
    Sheri, I so hope everything works out for you and dh. Keep the faith!!!!

    And just by the way, CLAY SHOULD HAVE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Prayers to the troops, their families, Prez Bush, Pray that Teresa feels better, and Sheri gets her wish. Prayers to all the ttcers, and the mommies to be. And I pray that it will be all of us before long.

    Peace out!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. #10
    cnlp
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    98.2 again. Don't really know what my temps are meaning right now, but anyway.
    TGIF,TGIF,TGIF,TGIF,,TGIF,TGIF,TGIF,TGIF,TGIF,TGIF ,TGIF,TGIF,TGIF
    Can you tell I am glad it is Friday. I need to get out of this jail. After yesterday, I am so over this place. It is really funny that you spend 8 hours a day with people 5 days a week and they still don't give a rat's tail about each other. I think that is sad. I have cared about this bunch, and I am to the point of why? I am not going to waste my time with people that care about nothing but themselves. And I am not going to get my feelings hurt by them either. So that is that.
    Nick had kinda rough night. I think it is mainly because of his operation. I think that is still really sore. I would think if they took a peice out of my jaw, I would hurt for a couple days. It just breaks my heart to watch him in pain.
    I go to the Dr. Wednesday. Kinda excited in a way. I am hoping he will give me the green light. I need some hope right now. From somewhere, anywhere.
    I got an email from my best friend yesterday. We have been so close since 5th grade. Then she went and married a jerk that thinks he is the only thing she needs, period. I think she is afraid of him. She is absolutely beautiful, but now she has gained so much weight, I just can't believe it. She told me that she would have to email me from work. So far everytime I call her house or email her house, she never seems to get it. I wonder what happens to them. I wish she didn't live so far away. It takes me about 6 hours to get to her. We have lost touch over the last few years. I just think it is too hard for her to keep the piece with goob watching her every move. I don't blame her, I blame him. I emailed her back, but haven't gotten a response yet. I told her the whole poor Dayna story. Back in the old days, we would go get a 6 pack, and sit back and cry. Well the drinking days are over and she is way to far away for a cry fest. I am hoping with her new job we will get to stay in touch more. I miss her.
    OK everyone is filing in. I probably will not post until Tueday, unless someone pisses me off. Excuse the lang.
    Prayers to everyone, ttcer and mommies to be.
    Teresa, hope you are feeling better. Sorry I didn't get to pm you yesterday, I will try today, just know you are in my thoughts.
    Lisa, hope you have a wonderful long weekend. I know you are already gone, but just in case.
    Sheri, still thinking of you.
    I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Be good and if you can't be good be good at it.
    Over and out!!!!!!!

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