Now that we decided this week that we will do IVF w/ICSI, it is time for me to start keeping this up.
We have been through so much in the last few weeks - first with the devastating news about Jon's morphology; all the mishaps at the doctors office, and then trying to weigh all our options and work out the costs etc.
I have started out feeling so optimisitc and great, but tonight the fear and doubt have really started to creep in...
I so want this to work, but I am so terrified that it won't. I can't face the idea of not being pregnant in a couple of months.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I have only taken 2 bcps at this point, and all I can do is take it one day at a time.
Last edited by lilyjo99; 03-03-2008 at 10:25 PM.
Reason: to add (PG MENT)
what if this doesn't work - I am afraid I am just going to wind up more heartbroken than I already am...
I feel like I need ALOT of attention - which is really not a "me" thing at all! And I don't know how to get it bc I feel like being around me makes everyone really uncomfortable right now - KWIM??
I know there are people here who have been through so much more than I have been, so I feel guilty even posting this garbage, but I just have to get it out of me...
My mom passed away when I was 17 and this stuff makes me really miss her alot. She had problems having kids for a long time before everything somehow was set right for her and I KNOW she would be able to make me feel better.
I am just feeling like a big baby tonight - which really stresses me out bc I know this is only the tip of the big emotional iceberg!
Thanks for reading. Just putting it out there really helps
After my mini-pity party yesterday, I am trying to appreciate the good things that come of this journey - here is something I shared on the TTC:0-12 board today -
Col - It could very well be too early, so don't give up on this cycle yet!
I understand about not seeking medical help - you perfectly articulated your feelings on the subject - each of us is different and the right decision for each individual is whatever gives them peace in themselves - I am glad you have found it.
I do think it is a good idea that you mention about having your DH's SA done. It could either put your mind at ease, or expalin alot...
For us, it kind of gave us our sex life back, knowing that Jon has this issue - now there is no pressure when we are togetther about "OMG will this be the time - did we use enough pre-seed, did we do the right position?" - now we know that we can be together just to be together - whether we are wanting a baby at the time or not, bc it is just not a way we will be able to conceive - and if we do - we would be so grateful for it, but it is not in the back (or front) of our minds every single time. It makes it really only about us and our feelings and it isn't the "work" it can become when TTC...
Honestly since we got his results, we've had a few of the best intimate times in our marriage...I hope that's not TMI, but I just wanted to share that out of so many sadnesses can come something really wonderful...
If your friend knows that you are trying, be gentle with her, but direct. Explain that you are very happy for her and want to be a big part of her pregnancy, but that you are still on your journey and that some days will be harder for you than others. Hopefully she will understand.
It also helps me to look at a BFP as a stepping stone rather than a finish line - so often, so many things happen after the bfp and women don't wind up with the happy healthy baby we all hope and pray for...I can't wait for the day I find out I am pregnant, but I know that being pregnant is going to be difficult and nervewracking in a whole other way from TTC...
This helps me to see other women who are already PG as just being a little further down the path to the ultimate goal of motherhood than I am - rather than looking at them and saying to myself - they are a success and I am a failure.
I don't know if this helps or not, but I thought I would give it a shot.
Got my measles shot today - had to bail on work to get it this afternoon, so I'll be working from the couch tonight...
I guess that is my first shot for the sake of getting this baby - woohoo, bring them on! I think I'll feel more like I am doing something once the shots begin!
I told my SIL (not DH's, mine) about what we're going through last night and she was great! So supportive and told me what great parents we would be - the first thing she said was "maybe there'll be more than one" (she has twins after her own fertility issue) then when I told her what the due date would be, she was excited bc she'd be out of school and could come stay for a while...
It made me feel really good - she said my brother may call w/questions, but they are both totally here for us, so that was good.
Today was a rough day - I had a misunderstanding w/someone that really made me feel awful, I think it made them feel badly, too, once it all got worked out. It was sad bc we are two people who should really be helping each other right now - I am glad it all got worked out, it just didn't help the "blues" I am going through.
Oh well, hopefully the book Jon and I are reading to help us with our IVF will get even better tonight than it was yesterday. I think it is really helping us to read the book together.
I love Jon so much - I am trying SO hard to be optimistic. I've been asking lots of ?s on the IVF board.
I think we are going to go with 2 eggs for the transfer (assuming we have them)...I am afraid of the possibility of triplets, so 3 eggs would really be tempting fate.
All in all, today was ok, not great, but not terrible either - hopefully things will only get better! I know we have tough days ahead of us, but at least we are in this together and I have this new support from my SIL and brother, so I am thankful for the things that have happened in the last 24 hours.
So tonight at dinner, the in-laws were going on and on about Dh's friends and their cute baby that they sat with in church - as we squirmed in our seats they kept on and then proceeded to tell us about another one of his friends who is expecting in March! Ugh - well, someone finally picked up on how uncomfortable we were getting and actually stopped the conversation by apologizing to Jon - his prego sister...the first acknowledgement she's made of our problem to our faces....I think that made him feel better about her, but we were still upset about the whole situation.
He confronted his dad about it later and his dad told him we were being too sensitive - when he told me that, I hit the roof (at his parents house) which finally forced a real heart to heart with his dad - I had mixed feelings about the results - still not sure our feelings are being 100% heard and respected, but Jon seems better.
It's so weird - they all spend tons of time together, but never discuss what's REALLY going on in his family - mine is the opposite - we never see each other, but when we have an issue or a problem everyone is all out with what they think and feel on the subject....I got more out of a 30 minute talk with my brother's wife by way of feeling support for what I am truly going through than I have in three weeks of discussions with my in-laws. I love them very much, but we just feel like they are all so uncomfortable around us...I can tell they love us, but they don't know what to do or say, so they do nothing, when all I really need to feel is a little effort/interest in how we are feeling.
Jon thinks that I am exactly right about how they relate to one another now that he's experienced it first hand and hopes what we are going through is a way to teach his family how to really be there for one another and talk about serious issues.
I hope he's right - we need support soo much right now.
Here we are - 1 month till they suck out my little eggies! woohoo!
Tomorrow we are officially 1/2 way through the bcps...
Today was a better day than yesterday - I think Jon's parents got our message...we spent the afternoon shopping w/his mom and she talked a little bit about me getting pregnant and how she hopes this works for us....
THEN we went to the store and ran into someone from our marriage prep class who got married right after us last summer and has already HAD a baby and couldn't wait to tell us.
He said, "We didn't waste any time, haha! So what are you guys up to?" and I'm like "I'm sorry, who are you again?", bc I didn't know who the guy even was at first...Jon just stared at our groceries and mumbled something that would lead one to believe we haven't even been trying yet - it made me so sad - my heart breaks for him at times like that. I smiled and congratulated the guy bc Jon was having a hard time keeping it together, but then he followed up and did the same and made a little smalltalk about the baby - he is such a sweetheart...
We just can't believe how much we have had to deal with people having babies all around us lately...on one hand, you are SO happy for your friends and loved ones (and even people who are practically strangers like the guy in the store), but its tough bc you are constantly reminded of what you are facing in your own life by people who have no idea and they can say things that hurt you so badly without even knowing they have done it...
Jon spent the ride home making up zingers about our fertility problem that he would like to say in response to people who run up to us and excitedly ramble on about their own babies or due dates, and then ask us - so when are you guys going to have kids!?(Like the thought hasn't occured to us until they said it!)....some of the things he thought up were pretty funny - of course he knows he'll never say any of those things to anyone - our problems are not anyone's fault and no one deserves to have their parade rained on, but it is nice that we can have a laugh at ourselves now instead of feeling completely sad all the time...
then we had dinner with his parents - they were alot better tonight and kept telling us they know it will happen for us - His mom even told us his grandmother - who isn't entirely w/it all the time anymore (she's in her 90s) and has not been told about our issues at all, not even that we are trying - asked her "Is Lisa pregnant yet?" when she said, "No mom, not yet, they are working on it," his grandmother said, "well, I hope she is seeing a good doctor..." awww - it's like she sensed it or something. That was nice to hear - his mom was amazed she asked about me by name bc she doesn't always remember the names of family members anymore and I've only been in the family about 15 mos.
I guess we just both still wish everything would have just "worked", but I try my best to just be grateful that we have the option we are taking and I try to be optimistic about our chances.
Jon told me today - I think your body is going to be really happy pregnant - I said "why?" He said - bc you will be so happy, how can your body go any other way?...he is the sweetest husband on the earth.
OMG - A HUGE box packed with polar packs to keep it cold - some things have to be refrigerated and some can't get too cold - it is all a little confusing.
When we get closer to taking the shots - I'll have to re-watch my video about how to do them since I don't have an appointment before the Lupron shots begin...
Luckily, it looks like I will take my progesterone vaginally instead of in shot form - downside, it may get leaky or itch a little - upside, no more needles after the HCG shot - I had heard progesterone needles are bigger than the others, so I am all for not having to do them...
The follistim pen thing looks cool! The menopur shots look scariest bc you have to mix them - I don't want to screw it up!
Jon goes to give his semen sample on thursday so we had a nice little bd last night to make sure he was cleaned out to create new potential babies! Things are really starting to get exciting...