A Journal for my ICSI Journey - Page 17
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Thread: A Journal for my ICSI Journey

  1. #161
    lilyjo99
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    the shower today was good - the fact that I don't have any kids only came up 2x - once as a general question and once that I should hurry up and have a baby bc I'm so good at all this stuff already (I smirked at that - I've had years in the closet to practice!!!) The way the guest of honor thanked me for coming I could tell she appreciated me being there even though it was so hard for me. Luckily, I was able to push out the thought that I should only be about a week behind her pregnancy-wise if our second IVF had worked....when I realized that yesterday in reference to her shower it really bummed me out.

    I'm doing ok - I just want my baby so much...

    Poor Jon keeps looking for diversions - trying to get me to buy a new car or a new tv - he just wants me to be happy...but the hole in my heart is baby-shaped...nothing else fits!

    I wish I could make him understand that its no reflection on him and that he is SO the best husband ever. I know he knows that's how I feel. He just wants to protect me and make me happy. We did have a fun day yesterday hanging out - just us...I hope that did his heart some good.

  2. #162
    lilyjo99
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    seriously - no one should have a nine page journal dedicated to IVF and NOT have a baby! What's up with that!

  3. #163
    lilyjo99
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    In 2 weeks, I will have had this journal for a whole year...sigh.

  4. #164
    lilyjo99
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    **WARNING**MILD RANT ALERT**

    So tonight was b-day dinner for Jon's dad and sister. Jon got the presents, except I made Jon's sister a bracelet w/her kids names on it. I'd seen it in a magazine and thought "I can make that", so I did.

    Jon's sis seemed to like the bracelet and I'm glad bc I want to get along w/her even though I know the weirdness between us is caused by her and not me, I don't really care, I'd just rather things be better, so I am trying, and everything was fine until my MIL kept talking about how big the baby is getting...

    (yes, thank you, we've been trying since 8 mos before his sister got pregnant and we know her baby has teeth and is starting to talk - it's depressing to us - not fascinating - hellooo???)

    AND trying to get us to hold his sister's baby. Jon seemed to want to take her, which made me glad, but she shunned him...poor sweetie.

    Then it became "Lisa, you take her..." over and over...don't get me wrong, I love the baby, but I really think in my 'condition', people should only give me a baby if I express an interest in holding them, some days I want to, some days I really (really, really) don't...

    I didn't want to take her, but I did to shut my mil up, then I was fine while I held her, until I caught the eye of my mil's friend, who I know she has told alll about our 'problems', she has 2 adopted kids bc her hubby was sterile, anyway, her knowing look started my wheels turning from my internal angst of just this deep maternal desire that was making me hurt inside to what was going on outside of myself and I thought, OMG, probably everyone (not just her, bc I just saw her doing it) is sitting here feeling sorry for me while they watch me hold the baby - then I started feeling sorry for me and was mad that my MIL made me take the baby in the first place, like she was giving me some kind of charity 'loaner baby' - by the time we left I just wanted to evaporate...of course, no one knew how bad I was feeling but Jon - I've gotten lots of good practice at keeping it in till I get to the car- we talked about it on the way to our next party - a housewarming/birthday gig for his bachelor friend where I encountered 1) a baby of one of the guests sitting in his carrier just inside the door when we came in... this was not a party fit for a child that small or anyone under the age of 21 for that matter...get a sitter, or stay home, hello? Don't bring your 3 month old to a party where there is trash-can punch, ugh! 2) people who looked a good solid 8 years younger than me talking about how much fun their 5 year-old would be having on the stairs , 3) a pregnant guest...

    We stayed long enough to be polite and then Jon went on to another social engagement solo after he came home and tucked me in at the computer with a big fruity (alcohol-infused) drink.

    I think I am anxious bc Jon says he wants to try again if the doctor thinks we should, but then he also said if the doc thinks we should just move on to adoption, he'd be relieved to here that to. We're just ready...

  5. #165
    lilyjo99
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    short version - we met with the doctor and he was very encouraged even though we didn't get pg.

    I can't believe it, but we are thinking about going for cycle #4.

    This is a very short version and not nearly as complicated as I've been feeling, but I'll update this weekend when I really have time to think and write.

    On another note - I went out and bought a car today! Jon's been pressuring me to get rid of my 9 year old car - saying it wasn't safe - and I finally caved.

    I'll update again soon.

  6. #166
    lilyjo99
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    rescued from page 2 - I promise to update TONIGHT!

    I have been working tons, I went to a conf in NY this week, I missed Jon and my car soo much! (lol)

  7. #167
    lilyjo99
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    Ok, Ok, I've been terribly lax in posting...just trying to work as hard as I can during busy season and enjoy my hubby in any off-time that I get...but that will be quickly coming to a close.

    Today is CD 1, so I call the IVF nurse tomorrow to find out when to start my BCPs and we are off to the races again!

    Dang - I still need to post about our last followup meeting, but obviously the doc was encouraged since we are going again!

  8. #168
    lilyjo99
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    June 21 would be my new EDD if we get prego this IVF cycle - I'm neurotic so I always look this up as soon as I get my calendar.

  9. #169
    lilyjo99
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    can't believe I've been so neglectful of my journal....things are progressing nicely with this cycle, though not much has happened yet. I take my last BCP tomorrow and we are on Lupron...the big guns begin in about a week!

  10. #170
    lilyjo99
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    We're well into the lupron now - baseline is on Friday...all the drugs are here. Jon is sick right now so I am sleeping in the guest bed - can't risk getting so sick they have to cancel my cycle...wish me luck!

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