I feel like such a bad girl - I had some beer tonight. My RE says 1-2 drinks is ok, but I feel so bad.
DH and I were hanging out with his childhood bud who has a 1 year old and he was asking us when we would take the plunge - the beer eased the pressure I have felt since we made this appt to hang out, but now I feel a little guilty...I know I haven't even started my Lupron yet, but I just don't want to ruin our cycle....
argh. I am sure it wouldn't make the difference in the long run, but I still feel bad....
I read a very sad story yesterday about someone who dealt with a birth defect that resulted in the death of their child. It was touching and so well written and full of love, so moving that I was compelled to read about this wonderful couple, their sweet angel, and this very tough journey they have taken.
After that, I tail-spinned into a mini-meltdown of all the things that could go wrong with this. Jon was great, but its so hard to talk to him when I am upset about everything bc whenever he gets down, he feels its "his fault" we are facing this in the first place. It's hard to let myself have those moments in front of him right now - usually he is the positivity captain at our house, but right now he really needs that from me.
I learned my lesson - no more sad stories for me right now. Only good ones.
Positive thinking and prayer and the support of my DH, family and friends are all I should focus on right now...
On a positive note, it is the little things that keep me sane...My pg SIL was complaining last week at dinner about how bad she wants a drink, but can't bc she is pg - she didn't want to go have Mexican food bc she will want a Margarita too much...(oh, boo-hoo - she knows aboout our situation and yet these things still come out of her mouth...unbelievable )
Anyway, so last night we went out for MIL's bday and I told DH I wanted a glass of wine - then for a split second I felt guilty for drinking in front of her when she wants a drink so badly but can't - then I thought - hey! wait a minute! she knows I want a baby and can't, but that doesn't stop her from being pregnant everytime I see her!! I think she can deal with it if I have a glass of wine in front of her. LOL! I made myself and DH chuckle so hard.
I wish his family would ask us more how we are doing...I think they just don't know what to say, but my friends are always talking to both of us about anything and everything and if we don't bring it up for a while and they want to know something, they come right out and ASK! I told Jon I am tempted to just stop mentioning anything about the process and see how far we can get into things before they ask about it again....grr.
We also started decorating for Halloween - early, I know, but I love the holiday, so I think Jon knows getting the house ready for it will soothe me...
He has his urologist appt tomorrow, I hope it gets him some answers. I think it would really help him alot to hear it is not anything he can control.
His family is being pretty good, his mom called today to let us know she was praying...and his dad specifically asked how I was and gave him some advice about how to do the shot (he gives himself allergy shots)...guess it was good advice!!
Only 3 short weeks until our egg retrieval - I am soo excited!
Jon saw a urologist today. He is not sure what Jon's issue is and he ordered some more tests.
They did an SA while he was there, but the only result they got back at the appt was the count - 300 million, that's right, I said 300 million...it was 266 million at his first one, which seemed wacky, so at least this confirms that was right.
So, the doc reviewed his initial SA results from my doc. They also talked about his symptoms - he has felt twinges of pain in his scrotum (like cramps) off and on, like once every week or 2...he always thought it was just a normal thing bc the area is so sensitive, but since we got his first SA, he has been documenting it to see if it would help the urologist....
After an exam and discussion, the doctor told him that he does have a large variococele - a varicose vein in his scrotum that can be a cause of fertility issues - 40% of men who have fertility issues have varicocele of some degree...BUT, typically men with variococele have LOWer than normal sperm counts due to the increased heat from the extra bloodflow...so since Jon's sperm count is so HIGH, the doctor is perplexed. Varicocele can be present without it being the issue, and it can even be present in men who have no fertility problems whatsoever, so even though Jon has it, he is not sure it has anything to do with the true cause of his sub-fertility.
He scheduled Jon to come back on 9/27 to have an ultrasound...(I wanna know how they are going to do that - I know how they do mine, I can't imagine it working the same way, or OUCH!)
In the meantime, he did tell Jon that in light of the initial SA and his exam/symptoms as well as the consistently abnormally high count and the fact that we are still not pg, we are taking a proper course of action in going ahead with the ICSI. At the same time, he agreed w/Jon that it's important he know what the issue is in case it is a symptom of a larger potential health problem.
Some of the additional tests he is running as part of the SA include DNA fragmentation tests, which will indicate the ability/inability of his sperm to fertilize. This makes me nervous bc if they come back bad, it couold be an early warning that our ICSI has a lower chance of succeeding, so lots of prayers for good results, please! Jon should get those results on Monday.
He really liked the Dr. and the Dr. is very well reknowned and was really nice, so hopefully everything will go as well as it can.
If you made it this far, props to my DH for wanting to share. I was reluctant, said I wasn't sure what to say, he said I had to come post, because putting it all out here could really help someone and that all of this is worth it if we help just one person by sharing.
the shot hurt a little tonight - Jon tried a different technique....I told him to go back to how he did it yesterday in future.
I am nervous about all of his extra tests, but doing my best to stay optimistic...
I even joined a prediction post where I said I will have a May baby (or two)!
Hopefully if I put it out there, it will happen...
I also talked to a co-worker who is now pg but who used my doctor before and did not have the greatest experience. It stressed me out, but she also told me of alot of people she knows who went through my doc and had it go really great - so I guess that is prob the story for every doc.
I talked to her again today and she gave me alot of great advice about long term disability and other insurance issues.
She said she had a dream last night and I had a very big belly - so big that in the dream she was teasing me that I was having kittens.
Having a pg lady dream that you are pg must be some uberpositive sign, right?
Today I had a really bad bout of my heart racing and feeling dizzy/woozy. I wonder if these are side effects of the Lupron. Tonight was shot # 4. I am really nervous with how busy I am at work. I am trying to get as much as possible done before I start to feel icky!
DH is being great. He made dinner. I finally gave in and let him put a TV in our room. He's wanted one in there forever and he said he wants me in bed for my bedrest, not on the couch, so I gave in.
My doc's office called him today - weird - but didn't leave a message. I meant to check to see if they did leave a message on my phone, but I left it at work. Guess I will find out tomorrow!
Wow - I have neglected my journal for a few days...We are well, but busy...I am just anxious to start the stimulant drugs on friday. I feel like things will fly from there. I was a little peeved bc I thought my u/s should have been moved up based on my cycle day, but the girls on the IVF board talked me into a reasonable place...
Jon got his test results back. Pretty much exactly what we expected on the usual tests and we haven't gotten any explanation of the other tests yet. I hope the dr. touches base with him soon. He was bummed to see another bad morph #...like finding out he had a problem all over again...poor sweet love.
MIL came over today - she is going to a prayer conference in CA and she wanted to get an explanation of the process and our big dates so she could line up prayers for us. It was sweet of her. The whole time I kept explaining the process, she kept asking when during the process I would be "pregnant"...it was cute.
She is praying that we will get a beautiful child from all of this and that Jon will be healed and we won't have to do this again when we are ready for a second child. I think in some way his parents feel responsible for what is happening - even though there is nothing they could have done to help or to hurt his condition...
We pray too, every day, all the time. For ourselves and for our friends who are in similar struggles - I am almost amazed how many people I have met who have been where I am now or who are facing what we have faced just a few steps behind us. In a way, it's a blessing. To be able to give solace to those behind us and to find comfort and hope in the journeys of those ahead of us is really a special thing to me!
I think I am a little bloated...that or just getting fatter. MIL says I look good, but she is very into being thin, so she is prob just trying to make me feel good bc I KNOW I am bigger... I am trying not to stress or diet. I know the meds will wack my body out and bloat me, so I am just trying hard to be ok w/it, but not looking or feeling like myself gets me down a little. I cried today bc I just feel like I am not in control and I don't know how to deal w/that. I very much like being in charge and it stresses me out when there is nothing more I can proactively do...and right now between shots and dr's appts, we are just playing a waiting game.
I should focus on work - I have plenty to do before the little egg-hunt in my body - LOL!
Right now I am headed up to bed to focus on snuggling Jon and heading off to sleep.
I had nightmares last night...I was trapped in the van my parents had when we were kids - I couldn't make it go and scary people were trying to get in...then in my other dream I was watching someone elses child and I lost them. There was something weird about why I was caring for the kid in the first place, but I didn't follow what it was when I woke up...
Anyway, feeling huge and a little sensitive today. I dread being weighed tomorrow before my u/s...I also dread getting up in time to hit the docs office by 7:30, so I guess I had better hit the sack.
I got my u/s and the first ovary was fine...then we got to my right one and the tech thought she saw a little cyst, but not big enough to mess up the IVF cycle unless my bloodwork also came back high (it looked like it was almost dissolved already, she said)...then she moved around a little bc that ovary hides behind my uterus and she wanted to get a better look - well, turns out I had a big old whopper of a cyst - 20mm. She showed it to the nurse who is in charge of the ultrasounds...they said to continue my lupron for another week and come back next thursday for another baseline test and hopefully it will dissolve on its own...if not we will discuss next steps, will we drain it, will they cancel my cycle, what? I don't know...tune in next tuesday I guess.
So I just spent the day so upset on the inside...people tried to tell me it's good news bc it will work out better for my work schedule since I am going to be really busy the week my egg retrieval was originally scheduled for...now I won't have to worry - well, newsflash - I WASN"T worried...having a baby goes beyond making sure my schedule is convenient, so maybe it's good news for everyone else, but it isn't good news for me...I just want to have my baby...
I know this isn't guaranteed when I say that, but I certainly won't get pg by NOT doing the cycle, either...I also know I need to take care of myself and I can't ignore the cyst, it is just SO frustrating...I was actually excited about being a human pin cushion and now I am just bordering on broken-hearted waiting for yet another week to pass by....
I really want to be pregnant before I turn 30 in November...I know that is a stupid arbitrary thing and no reason to be upset, but when I started TTC a year ago, I thought I might HAVE a baby before then, and now here we are...
Jon blames himself, so I really don't have his support when I am feeling this way bc he can't help feeling sorry for himself - even when he's trying to support me. I told him to go on out with his friends tonight to watch football bc I just pick up on his mutual sadness and it doesn't help. It's so frustrating that I am able to support him, but that the best thing he can do for me when I am upset is to leave. He always takes such good care of me, I totally understand why I can't lean on him right now - he needs me to be the strong one this time - but it makes me really lonely.
No one knows quite what to say to me or how to act or whether or not its really as big a deal as I feel like it is, so I am feeling pretty alone...even when I am with my friends who know what's going on.
It's just a really hard day today. I guess I have to go change my ticker to count down to my cyst check...so I remember one day later on, today it read "13 days to our ICSI egg retrieval"...now it's at least 20, maybe 50...who knows....
I just keep thinking of today and can't stop crying and thinking how much I miss my mom....when I was upset when I was little, I used to sit on the floor next to her chair and put my cheek against her knee and she would pet my head and stroke my hair and her leg would feel so cool on my hot little teary face and it just always made me feel better, sometimes I would just sit there and hug it...That's one of the things I always think of and miss when I am sad...