Last night, my sweet friend Brooke called me, we talked forever and I really felt much better by the time it was over, she shares my struggles and it was so great to talk to someone who is living this stuff with me. I so hope she gets her lil baby soon!
Today I found out that yet another person I know is pregnant! I consider this girl a friend, and I am really excited for her - I know she'll be a great mom, and she is so cute about it and so excited!!!
At the same time, I just can't help but feel like life is passing me by. I hate being back in the waiting game. I thought once we decided to do the ICSI, we were done with that. I hate my stupid body. Why does it seem like everything is difficult for me. I don't understand. I wish I could, but I don't...I pray and pray, and still here we are...I am sure God has a plan, but I wish it didn't have to hurt so much...I hoped I would have a baby by now and here I am, not even pg, never even been close as it all turns out.
Jon was really sweet tonight - he took me to the mall. I picked out a ring I want for my bday...hopefully I'll be prego by then and I can wear it on my ring finger when my wedding rings get too tight....it's my birthstone and it is beautiful. I also bought a collection of the "Little Golden Books" stories - I loved them when I was little and want my kids to have them. I am continuing to live this experience with an expectant heart.
I just know this will happen. I WILL get my baby. I know I will!
Jon wound up being sick the entire day on Sunday. Poor babe...he still isn't feeling great! I am back in the grind of work and anxiously waiting for my appt on Thursday. Jon and I have been praying every night and really hope everything goes well on Thursday. He says he really has a feeling that the cyst is gone already. I so hope he is right. It will be one terrible day at the office if I get bad news on Thursday morning. There is already so much to do. Also, I didn't mind the shots when it felt like we were moving forward, but taking the shots to keep us in this holding pattern is driving me crazy. The last couple of nights when Jon said it was time for my shot, I tried to avoid it and just could not fight off having a 2 minute little pout session about how I didn't want to do it and how I am sick of this and I just want to be pregnant already...ugh.
I really really really want to start stims. I think when I am at the docs, if the cyst is not gone, I am going to ask them to either drain it or cancel my cycle and we can start over on my next AF- if they want to do Lupron for another week and do another check, I am not sure I am up for it emotionally. It might be better to wait and start over if draining the little bugger is not a good option. I guess I just need to wait until Thursday and see what happens. I am just in limbo and a little bloated and not feeling myself, plus tired from working lots...
not much to report today, except that I hope and pray my cyst is gone tomorrow. I explained the egg retrieval process to a couple of my girlfriends at lunch today, and I thought they were gonna pass out!
One of them has a one year old...she said she can't wait till I have my baby so we can do stuff together with them - that made me happy!
I have to memorialize today - it was totally crazy at work, and my car is broken due to some weird leak I found when I got to work after the doctors office, but my experience at the docs today was freakin' awesome!!
First, there were some really nice friendly folks in the waiting room there to do an egg retrieval...they were talking and it turns out the girl was from the same tiny town as one of my exes....I didn't point it out, just thought to myself, what a small world...
THEN, I got the nurse I really really like for my appt. She had a new girl with her that they were training ( I thought, great! I get to be the test case...) any way, she introduces me to her and she says to her while we are talking - "Lisa's going to have twins" I don't think she'd say that in front of me unless they know my chances are really good! She said she has a feeling about me and just always sees me as having twins and being really cute with them. That got me all pumped up during my bw to go do the u/s...
so we start talking about what my options are if the cyst is still there, how draining isn't a guarantee that it won't come back and then she says, you know what, lets just look and then we can talk about it if it is still there - IT WAS GONE!
I basically floated out, I was so happy - they scheduled my next appt for wednesday and then when I called to check that my levels were ok, they said they want to see me monday also and scheduled that and went over the instructions for my stims to start tomorrow night!!! They were super-nice on the phone when sometimes they otherwise seem short or busy - maybe now I am "high priority" or something...
DH was SO CUTE - I left him a vmx with the good news and he said he was so excited when he tried to call back that he had trouble dialing.
He had told me on Wednesday that it was gone. He'd been praying every day and just had a good feeling. He knew it. And he was right. I am soo glad. I am soo excited to be moving forward!!! I hope everything continues down this great new path we are on.
Ok, so I missed Saturday, but there was nothing too earth-shattering. Spent the evening curled up in bed with my DH watchin' tv. Worked all day yesterday and all day today...it makes the time go faster, I guess.
Tomorrow is my first u/s and bloodwork since starting the stims. I am definitely bloated...I can't wait to see what's going on in there.
My good friend Brooke had an IUI yesterday - I am praying for her that it works out for her. She'll be such a great mom.
I feel like I have been really neglectful - I have so many pm's to return....
I'll be sure to post tomorrow about the U/S results!
Another nice wait at the docs - I met a really nice girl who is just starting her Lupron shots - she was really sweet and I think we could be friends, so I hope I bump into her again!
they saw 7-8 follicles today...
I say 7-8 bc the largest one was 12mm (3mm bigger than the next largest) and was in the same spot as my former cyst, so they aren't sure if it's a normal follicle that's just really fat, or if my cyst sprung back to life (It was 20mm when they originally saw it Thursday before last and then it was gone last Thursday)...
So, the levels should tell the tale - my baseline friday was 48. They expect it to be alot higher of course, but if it is super-high it will indicate that the cyst is back - so here we go again...
I got a message on my doc's service telling me to proceed with my medicine per my calendar and come in for my Wednesday appt. So I am assuming everything was fine. I'll find out my levels on Wednesday when I go in. I guess until then, business as usual and lots of prayers!
tomorrow is u/s #2...I am wearing my "good luck" pj's (I wore them the night before we found out the cyst was gone, so I keep making sure they are clean to wear the night before an appt.) and I am saying lots of prayers...
My tum is definitely puffy. I hope we see over 10 follies tomorrow - that would make me feel good. I also hope all is well from last Mondays appt and we continue on schedule. Work is calming a little so I am starting to really be able to look forwward to next week.
I can't believe ER could be a week from tomorrow - I am so excited!!
My level was 337, on monday it was 143, and my baseline was 48, so hormonally I am doing great.
The u/s tech said I had 9 follies on Monday. Today we saw 11 - 7 are on the right.
The best part was that the "suspect" follie where my cyst was looked the same as last time at 12mm, so my other follies are catching up to it and it isn't growing out of control!
The tech was really thrilled about how my lining looks too, which made me happy bc w/o meds it was "thin", able to sustain pregnancy, according to my re, but thinner than she wanted to see. I am thrilled that it is nice and fat right now!
It was also a good day at work, so I am on cloud nine! Ready to hang out with DH for the evening.
I get to start my third drug tonight and it has to be mixed, so we'll have to really focus! Bring on the menopur!!