Thread: A Journal for my ICSI Journey

yesterday went by in a blur. I feel like all I have done for the past week is eat and sleep. I guess that is good and what I need to do. I spent some time on the computer today getting caught up and getting ready to go back to work on Wednesday. Tomorrow I am actually allowed to leave the house! Very exciting.

We are hanging in there and praying every few hours that our "lil punkin" will hold on. In the meantime, we are living optimistically and celebrating all its "firsts" - tonight is Chinese food!

I hope we aren't setting ourselves up for disappointment, but I feel like all I can do is assume I am an expectant mother until I am proven otherwise - its the best thing to do for the baby if it IS still growing in there and THAT is the most important thing. Jon even kissed my belly goodbye when he left for work this morning.

Hang in there, little baby!

I know I am only four days into my wait, but it is dragging by...

I am going back to work tomorrow - hopefully that will make things go by more quickly...I just worry that it will stress me out bc I know I will be distracted and not 100% myself.

Plus I feel like I am huge - I am scared my clothes won't fit...

On top of that, my MIL calls everyday to ask me how I am feeling, which I appreciate, but I feel like she's waiting for me to tell her I'm pregnant or I am not, you know? and I just don't know yet...she keeps saying how she really hopes this worked bc (and of course, she says - it's your decision, but...) she really doesn't like what we are putting my body through...I understand she means well, but its not like we are huge fans either - it's just the best option for us right now, and she's right, it is OUR decision, and we know how she feels so why does she keep saying it.

She has been really supportive, its just this one comment keeps getting on my nerves - big time.

That, and I am just so scared the little one won't take, I don't know why bc when we originally planned to transfer 2, we were so hoping for twins, so why would it be that if we transferred one, we wouldn't get that?

We are being cautiously optimistic - we pray and talk about and to the little one all the time and keep positive - why shouldn't we be - the embryo was good, my lining looked good, I am healthy, what's not to be optimistic about - right? But I know sometimes things just happen (or don't) and that there's no explaining it.

thanks for listening to me rant, I know it's a little early - I had hoped to wait until Saturday to get this aggravated, but I guess it was bound to happen somtetime.

I added a little ticker to count down to my Beta - it gives me something to watch tick down - that has always helped me psychologically..

Jon got some good news and a request for more test. The dr thinks that his variococele is not the cause of his issue - he has one (his vein is 3.5mm in diameter, but the max normal is 3mm, so they think it's really a non-issue), but the doctor thinks it is more about hormone levels his semen sample tested borderline for testosterone levels and low for FSH and LH, so he prescribed him some kind of pill - I'll get the name tomorrow - to help - he will be retested every month for three months to see how much his morphology improves - it might not get him to "normal". but the doctor thought it might get him to IUI range if he responds well - it should at least make future ICSI more successful - he thought.

We only found this out after his second SA w/the urologist where they ran extra tests on the semen sample for the hormone levels in the semen - these issues did not show up in the bloodwork and standard SA they did at my RE.

He also came back negative on DNA breakage, so we have no DNA issues with the little guys who do appear normal - YAY! So when Jon told the doc about our low fertilization rate, he was puzzled. Before his next appt, his doctor is going to contact my doctor to talk through how our cycle went to make sure they are covering all the bases. I thought that was awesome. He's also going to run a chromosome level test next time to look for things the DNA breakage test would not have caught, to see if there is an explanation there! We are so blessed to have such a specialist on the case! Jon's next appt is 10/30, so by then we'll know if we have a little one on the way or not and if we move on to cycle 2, our docs will be working together - awesome, right?!

Can I just tell you, the most hilarious part of all of this was how Jon told me the doctor commented (i'm thinking it was more like complimented, but that sounds weird) about the "healthy" size and form of his - um - balls - so weird, but he told me and he was all excited and said - "and that guy looks at balls all day!" to show what boys get out of things - he remembered all the details of this moment, but when I asked what the medicine was he said - "I don't know, it starts with an A...the prescription will be ready tomorrow - it was like Ambien, but not..."(no joke, hon)

Sigh - as perfect as Jon is - he is still a boy sometimes!!!

tonight I cried bc I just want my lil punkin to be living in me and right now there is no way for me to know. I want to be optimistic, but i am afraid to let that hope build for fear that I'll be truly devastated next friday if he/she is gone...

It's so hard to love someone so much and know you may never see them. I am sure many ladies can relate.

I think the wait is just starting to wear on my emotions.

My sis is coming into town to stay this weekend and she and her hubby don't know about the IVF (don't want to freak them out for nothing - she does NOT handle stress well) so this is going to be tough.

I can't explain how much I love my little baby already and I wish I could know if I should be hanging on or letting go. I guess I just keep hanging on until I know one way or the other.

I feel like alot of people wouldn't even consider this as pregnant yet, but to me, we made a baby - and it was alive and inside of me and I know that, so to me, it counts and all of the emotions are definitely here.

I love you punkin. I hope with my whole heart and soul that you are still here with me.

Still praying and crying for lil punkin - last night we got brave and strolled through babies r us...we actually had fun! every so often we would talk to the punkin about all the cool stuff that's out here for it if it will just hang in w/us...I said something and SIL said something back that sounded like she is already thinking of me as prego and I hated having to remind her that we may have to go through all this again...

Anyway, I'll be hanging with my sis till tomorrow night, but secretly loving my punkin and praying all the time. I so desparately hope he is with me - some of the drugs I was on have left my system and I don't "feel" pregnant as much as I did - so I just hope those symptoms return.

My beta is on Friday and I'm getting nervous bc now that I've had some recovery time, I don't "feel" different at all...I just wonder if I should be having symptoms or even just a "feeling" about whether or not I am pg.

It's hard bc I keep telling Jon that I am trying to be optimistic, but at the same time, I don't want to build myself up just to get destroyed on friday - esp since we only transfered one bc that's all we wound up with...

I know our odds probably aren't that great and lets face it - we've wound up on the bad side of the odds many times over to get to where we are now...

I am just going to spend the rest of my day relaxing and praying for and thinking about my sweet little punkin.

Jon broke down a little today and almost cried looking at some baby stuff in this cute store we went into...I know its hard for him to stay so positive all the time.

I know that whatever happens, it will work out and we will have each other. We just both want our little baby, too.

So today I am working, but still driving myself nuts trying to figure out if my boobs hurt or not - last night I had a CRAZY dream and woke up and had to go to the bathroom and at that time I was drenched in sweat and they definitely hurt. Now, eh, maybe?

This was the 2nd night in a row that I've had really vivid dreams and I hear that can be a pg symptom, plus yesterday, I had a really sharp pain in my abdomen, like a cramp that lasted for at least a minute - maybe it was just gas, who knows, but hopefully it was little punkin deciding to invest in sticking w/us for a while.

I still just keep thinking about how much I love it already and how thrilled I'll be if I am pg...but I am still terrified that I am not - even though I know it is perfectly normal to have no symptoms whatsoever at this point and STILL be pg...aaarrgh!

So I think we've decided to start peeing on things tomorrow...Jon and I have discussed. I'll keep you posted...

I have a sinking feeling that we may be doing this whole IVF thing again - I am not giving up on my lil punkin, I just have a feeling like this time it may not have worked. I would love it if it did work, but I know that if it didn't it will be ok. Since it's the first time that we had a really good shot, I guess it's kind of like expecting to get pregnant the first month you try, which is a long-shot. Whatever happens, we did make a baby and that's the farthest we have ever gotten, so that's progress right? Please pray that my sinking feeling is wrong and that my little one will show up on that blood test friday. That's what I am praying for.