BFN # 1 today...Jon says we should still keep our heads up and that he is looking forward to the blood test on Friday. I am still hopeful, but I think it is good that if my suspiscions are confirmed then I will have had time to grieve on my own a little bit before everyone starts asking...
COME ON PUNKIN...if you are in there, let's get this show on the road.
oh, just crying off and on all day. MIL asked me how I was and I told her I didn't think it worked. She didn't fight me on it - said she would keep praying but also that she believes that if I was, I would just know it. Her hope is that Jon's new medicine will heal him and that we can conceive naturally. Jon and I both know she just doesn't understand that this medicine will probably not make him "normal"...if anything it will take him from terrible to bad, improving our chances with assistance. I just told her that I am out of patience and not willing to spend another 3 months waiting to see what will happen when I can be actively trying something that has a good chance of working...
ugggh. I hate this. Punkin, please be in there - it would solve a lot of mommy's problems - help a sister out!
So I've been told by someone I know that they had 3 + blood tests, but never managed to make an hpt + from their IVF cycles...she told me that as long as I haven't started spotting - and I haven't - that it could go either way at this point. So, here's hoping and praying for my little punkin.
Please be in there, punkin. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Please hear our prayers. We know that you have a plan for us, and we want you to know that what we desire of all things in this world is to become parents. Please take care of us in our time of want and need. We love you and we love our baby that we do not know. We wish to have the chance to know him or her. Please help us.
We have an official negative, now, so I'll spend this weekend doing all the things I haven't been able to do on the assumption that I was pregnant - consuming alcohol, caffiene and sushi and taking long hot baths...the good news is they said we can start again as soon as AF comes, so I'll call on CD 1 to get my bcps and set up my consultation to talk about how things went, and what we'll do differently this time.
I wrote a letter this morning to my punkin. I'm going to tuck a copy of this letter and our u/s picture into our family bible so we'll always have it to remember by. This was very hard to do, but I hope it will make me feel better.
My dearest lil punkin,
You probably won’t remember me the way that I remember you, but I do hope you know who I am. You never saw me and I knew you only very briefly and you were very small. I am your mom. Making you with your dad was one of the most amazing and hard and wonderful things that I ever did and I am sad that I know now that I will never see you as a little person with big blue eyes and blonde hair (how your dad and I both looked when we were little – it was pretty much a guarantee), but in the few days that I knew you were living inside of me and the days that followed when I hoped you still were, I came to love you more than I ever imagined possible.
Even though I did not know you, I imagined you….sometimes you were a boy, sometimes you were a girl…I thought about how you would laugh and smile, what you would feel like, how you would smell, how I would sing to you and comfort you when you cry…what your room would look like…how much fun you would have with your dad…all the things your granny would do to spoil you and all of the tall tales your grand-dad would try to make you believe. I so hoped I would get to spend the rest of my lifetime watching you grow up into someone wonderful and helping you to learn and become the amazing person I knew you would have been, but it was just not to be…I’m sorry for that. I’ll always be your mother and you’ll always be my first baby and I miss you and love you more than I can ever say.
Your dad says you will be our family’s special angel now. Your dad’s a pretty special guy. He wanted to teach you how to build things and how to play the guitar and drive a tractor and he wanted to play with trains together with you – all of the fun things he used to do with his daddy when he was little. If you had grown into a little boy, I had the feeling that I would never see you because your dad and your grand-dad would have had you with them all of the time. If you had been a girl, your daddy’s entire world would have been wrapped on the end of your tiny little finger. He’s a push-over with the ladies. He is also the kindest person I have ever known. I know he misses you and that he hurts very much because you can’t be with us and he, too, had his heart set on a lifetime with you. He also understands though, that you are with your true Father now, and that it’s just how things were meant to be. (He’s a little bit better at being at peace with things than mommy is – he takes care of me that way.) You would have been crazy about your dad. He was so in love with you, even before you were ever made. We hoped you were our lucky “one” - and maybe you are, just not in the way we had planned. I am sure your dad is right and that you are now watching over us.
I hope you have found your Gramma in Heaven. That’s my mommy. Just like how I feel about you, I miss her and I love her and I think of her every day. Please take care of her, and let her love you, and watch over your dad and me together with her.
There are so many things I want to tell you, that I just can’t find the words to do right now. Perhaps I will write again sometime.
I want you to know that your dad and I aren’t the only ones who loved you. You have aunts and uncles and grandparents (I mentioned them) who all loved you so much and were cheering for you to stay here with us and be a part of this world. We all have heavy hearts that it was not meant to be. Many of mommy and daddy’s friends feel the same. We all understand that it was just not meant to be, but we had hoped and prayed, and now we grieve. Someday we will feel better and we will remember you fondly always.
I need to tell you again that making you was the most wonderful and difficult thing that your dad and I have ever done. Your existence gave us hope that someday a child will come to us and that it will stay and we will have a chance to do with it all the things we dreamed of doing with you.
We love you always, little punkin, and we thank you for being in our lives, even for just a moment and so small we couldn’t even see. We knew you were there, living and growing – a little bit of me and a little bit of your dad. That means everything to us.
Please watch over us and know that we love you. Take care of us and hear our prayers along with our Father in Heaven.
This post should be called - "Welcome to my Meltdown"
Today was hard, I went to church with Jon - it was a mass in honor of his grandfather's birthday, so it was really important to him to go today instead of tomorrow morning...
In church, the Mass today was all about marriage and family and children, and after awhile I felt like I couldn't breathe - I started getting really upset and asked Jon "can I go outside?" and practically ran out as he told me that I could - I had started to cry and I felt like everyone was staring.
After I had a chance to calm down a bit on the bench in the little flower garden - Jon came and got me. I got angry bc I wanted to be left alone, but he said everyone was worried and wanted to know if I was ok - well, I was NOT ok and didn't really care if they were worried, but I went back in with him because he said "It's almost time for communion" and I could tell he really wanted me to go. There was the staring - again - as I made the long walk back to the row holding the entire family.
We left right after to grab a table for dinner at the restaurant - we argued on the way about whether he came and got me because he was worried about me or because he wanted everyone else not to worry - I said I was upset and he should have left me alone and it made me really mad that he came out and guilted me into going back in. (I know he was genuinely concerned for me as well, and have recognized to him that my emotions are making me a little bit more unreasonable than normal...)We went back and forth for a while - then finally he said "Fine - I just won't ask you to go to church with me ever again" - I was livid - I said "Stop treating me like a child who misbehaved instead of a woman who basically just found out that her baby f-ing died-(choking sob) - this was NOT just another negative pregnancy test!! Jeez - It's not like I was picking my nose or something - I was getting really upset and I did not want to have a breakdown in church!" He said he was really sorry and that he didn't mean it that way - that he really had been worried - I said then you should have stayed there (outside) with me when you came to check instead of making me go back in when you knew I felt like I needed to go, but that I shouldn't have yelled at him like that - punkin was his baby too, and I know he hurts - we made up and we were fine...
As soon as we walk in the restaurant - BAM - we run into a pair of Jon's old friends, who we didn't even know had gotten married, and their 5 month old son. I wanted to crawl under the floor. When we finally got to sit down I looked around and there was literally a pregnant woman or a baby at every table - including ours - pregnant SIL...I sat quietly and drank my margarita.
Jon made plans to hang out with our cousins tonight and teach them how to play dominos, but I just couldn't handle it after the way the evening went - they have a darling 18 month old and I love her to pieces, but If I have to see any more baby toys or baby clothes or, for that matter, babies, tonight, I just might have a tantrum.
I guess today is my official day of wallowing and being pathetic - hopefully after today, things will start getting better.
Today was a much better day - DH and I spent the day together just the 2 of us - running all over town and doing fun stuff - just the 2 of us. We are pooped - and still a little down now that we have gotten quiet and are getting ready to go to bed...but it was nice to spend a fun day together and not have to talk to anyone but each other.
Can't sleep - Jon is sawing logs and my mind is racing...all I can think about is this darned infertility and what can we do to get past it. So I came downstairs, paid a couple of bills, checked the boards, re-read my letter to punkin and cried a little. I miss the idea that I might actually be pregnant...(sigh) I had better try to get some sleep.