A Journal for my ICSI Journey

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A Journal for my ICSI Journey

Now that we decided this week that we will do IVF w/ICSI, it is time for me to start keeping this up.

We have been through so much in the last few weeks - first with the devastating news about Jon's morphology; all the mishaps at the doctors office, and then trying to weigh all our options and work out the costs etc.

I have started out feeling so optimisitc and great, but tonight the fear and doubt have really started to creep in...

I so want this to work, but I am so terrified that it won't. I can't face the idea of not being pregnant in a couple of months.

Sigh**

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I have only taken 2 bcps at this point, and all I can do is take it one day at a time.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Posted: Sun Aug 06, 2006 12:29 am Post subject: Feeling Anxious ALREADY!

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I know, I know. I have only taken 2 bcps....

I am just so nervous and excited/scared...

what if this doesn't work - I am afraid I am just going to wind up more heartbroken than I already am...

I feel like I need ALOT of attention - which is really not a "me" thing at all! And I don't know how to get it bc I feel like being around me makes everyone really uncomfortable right now - KWIM??

I know there are people here who have been through so much more than I have been, so I feel guilty even posting this garbage, but I just have to get it out of me...

My mom passed away when I was 17 and this stuff makes me really miss her alot. She had problems having kids for a long time before everything somehow was set right for her and I KNOW she would be able to make me feel better.

I am just feeling like a big baby tonight - which really stresses me out bc I know this is only the tip of the big emotional iceberg!

Thanks for reading. Just putting it out there really helps
_________________
Lisa

http://www.tcoyf.com/chart.asp?id=lilyjo99

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/131f5b

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

After my mini-pity party yesterday, I am trying to appreciate the good things that come of this journey - here is something I shared on the TTC:0-12 board today -

Col - It could very well be too early, so don't give up on this cycle yet!

I understand about not seeking medical help - you perfectly articulated your feelings on the subject - each of us is different and the right decision for each individual is whatever gives them peace in themselves - I am glad you have found it.

I do think it is a good idea that you mention about having your DH's SA done. It could either put your mind at ease, or expalin alot...

For us, it kind of gave us our sex life back, knowing that Jon has this issue - now there is no pressure when we are togetther about "OMG will this be the time - did we use enough pre-seed, did we do the right position?" - now we know that we can be together just to be together - whether we are wanting a baby at the time or not, bc it is just not a way we will be able to conceive - and if we do - we would be so grateful for it, but it is not in the back (or front) of our minds every single time. It makes it really only about us and our feelings and it isn't the "work" it can become when TTC...

Honestly since we got his results, we've had a few of the best intimate times in our marriage...I hope that's not TMI, but I just wanted to share that out of so many sadnesses can come something really wonderful...
_________________
Lisa

http://www.tcoyf.com/chart.asp?id=lilyjo99

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/131f5b

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Another thing I posted last night that I need to remember - I am NOT a failure.

Posted: Sun Aug 06, 2006 1:42 am Post subject:

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If your friend knows that you are trying, be gentle with her, but direct. Explain that you are very happy for her and want to be a big part of her pregnancy, but that you are still on your journey and that some days will be harder for you than others. Hopefully she will understand.

It also helps me to look at a BFP as a stepping stone rather than a finish line - so often, so many things happen after the bfp and women don't wind up with the happy healthy baby we all hope and pray for...I can't wait for the day I find out I am pregnant, but I know that being pregnant is going to be difficult and nervewracking in a whole other way from TTC...

This helps me to see other women who are already PG as just being a little further down the path to the ultimate goal of motherhood than I am - rather than looking at them and saying to myself - they are a success and I am a failure.

I don't know if this helps or not, but I thought I would give it a shot.
_________________
Lisa

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Got my measles shot today - had to bail on work to get it this afternoon, so I'll be working from the couch tonight...

I guess that is my first shot for the sake of getting this baby - woohoo, bring them on! I think I'll feel more like I am doing something once the shots begin!

I told my SIL (not DH's, mine) about what we're going through last night and she was great! So supportive and told me what great parents we would be - the first thing she said was "maybe there'll be more than one" (she has twins after her own fertility issue) then when I told her what the due date would be, she was excited bc she'd be out of school and could come stay for a while...

It made me feel really good - she said my brother may call w/questions, but they are both totally here for us, so that was good.

Today was a rough day - I had a misunderstanding w/someone that really made me feel awful, I think it made them feel badly, too, once it all got worked out. It was sad bc we are two people who should really be helping each other right now - I am glad it all got worked out, it just didn't help the "blues" I am going through.

Oh well, hopefully the book Jon and I are reading to help us with our IVF will get even better tonight than it was yesterday. I think it is really helping us to read the book together.

I love Jon so much - I am trying SO hard to be optimistic. I've been asking lots of ?s on the IVF board.

I think we are going to go with 2 eggs for the transfer (assuming we have them)...I am afraid of the possibility of triplets, so 3 eggs would really be tempting fate.

All in all, today was ok, not great, but not terrible either - hopefully things will only get better! I know we have tough days ahead of us, but at least we are in this together and I have this new support from my SIL and brother, so I am thankful for the things that have happened in the last 24 hours.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I haven't been temping because I am on bcp right now, so it seems kinda pointless...

I have been sleeping in and today, I actually had to wonder what cycle day I was - it was refreshing & made me feel a little free.

I am trying to relax a little and enjoy life before the injections start in a couple of weeks.

Everyone at work who knows what we are doing is being absolutely terrific - they all are really excited and interested in what is going on - it helps so much during the day!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Crapola - today I accidently deleted my entire pg.org inbox - so many sweet pm's that I wanted to hang on to! CRAP...darn, darn, darn....

I don't have the heart to tell DH it was bc he was distracting me while I was trying to make room in my inbox.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So tonight at dinner, the in-laws were going on and on about Dh's friends and their cute baby that they sat with in church - as we squirmed in our seats they kept on and then proceeded to tell us about another one of his friends who is expecting in March! Ugh - well, someone finally picked up on how uncomfortable we were getting and actually stopped the conversation by apologizing to Jon - his prego sister...the first acknowledgement she's made of our problem to our faces....I think that made him feel better about her, but we were still upset about the whole situation.

He confronted his dad about it later and his dad told him we were being too sensitive - when he told me that, I hit the roof (at his parents house) which finally forced a real heart to heart with his dad - I had mixed feelings about the results - still not sure our feelings are being 100% heard and respected, but Jon seems better.

It's so weird - they all spend tons of time together, but never discuss what's REALLY going on in his family - mine is the opposite - we never see each other, but when we have an issue or a problem everyone is all out with what they think and feel on the subject....I got more out of a 30 minute talk with my brother's wife by way of feeling support for what I am truly going through than I have in three weeks of discussions with my in-laws. I love them very much, but we just feel like they are all so uncomfortable around us...I can tell they love us, but they don't know what to do or say, so they do nothing, when all I really need to feel is a little effort/interest in how we are feeling.

Jon thinks that I am exactly right about how they relate to one another now that he's experienced it first hand and hopes what we are going through is a way to teach his family how to really be there for one another and talk about serious issues.

I hope he's right - we need support soo much right now.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Here we are - 1 month till they suck out my little eggies! woohoo!

Tomorrow we are officially 1/2 way through the bcps...

Today was a better day than yesterday - I think Jon's parents got our message...we spent the afternoon shopping w/his mom and she talked a little bit about me getting pregnant and how she hopes this works for us....

THEN we went to the store and ran into someone from our marriage prep class who got married right after us last summer and has already HAD a baby and couldn't wait to tell us.

He said, "We didn't waste any time, haha! So what are you guys up to?" and I'm like "I'm sorry, who are you again?", bc I didn't know who the guy even was at first...Jon just stared at our groceries and mumbled something that would lead one to believe we haven't even been trying yet - it made me so sad - my heart breaks for him at times like that. I smiled and congratulated the guy bc Jon was having a hard time keeping it together, but then he followed up and did the same and made a little smalltalk about the baby - he is such a sweetheart...

We just can't believe how much we have had to deal with people having babies all around us lately...on one hand, you are SO happy for your friends and loved ones (and even people who are practically strangers like the guy in the store), but its tough bc you are constantly reminded of what you are facing in your own life by people who have no idea and they can say things that hurt you so badly without even knowing they have done it...

Jon spent the ride home making up zingers about our fertility problem that he would like to say in response to people who run up to us and excitedly ramble on about their own babies or due dates, and then ask us - so when are you guys going to have kids!?(Like the thought hasn't occured to us until they said it!)....some of the things he thought up were pretty funny - of course he knows he'll never say any of those things to anyone - our problems are not anyone's fault and no one deserves to have their parade rained on, but it is nice that we can have a laugh at ourselves now instead of feeling completely sad all the time...

then we had dinner with his parents - they were alot better tonight and kept telling us they know it will happen for us - His mom even told us his grandmother - who isn't entirely w/it all the time anymore (she's in her 90s) and has not been told about our issues at all, not even that we are trying - asked her "Is Lisa pregnant yet?" when she said, "No mom, not yet, they are working on it," his grandmother said, "well, I hope she is seeing a good doctor..." awww - it's like she sensed it or something. That was nice to hear - his mom was amazed she asked about me by name bc she doesn't always remember the names of family members anymore and I've only been in the family about 15 mos.

I guess we just both still wish everything would have just "worked", but I try my best to just be grateful that we have the option we are taking and I try to be optimistic about our chances.

Jon told me today - I think your body is going to be really happy pregnant - I said "why?" He said - bc you will be so happy, how can your body go any other way?...he is the sweetest husband on the earth.

I hope he is right.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Sorry - I had to work late Sad

OMG - A HUGE box packed with polar packs to keep it cold - some things have to be refrigerated and some can't get too cold - it is all a little confusing.

When we get closer to taking the shots - I'll have to re-watch my video about how to do them since I don't have an appointment before the Lupron shots begin...

Luckily, it looks like I will take my progesterone vaginally instead of in shot form - downside, it may get leaky or itch a little - upside, no more needles after the HCG shot - I had heard progesterone needles are bigger than the others, so I am all for not having to do them...

The follistim pen thing looks cool! The menopur shots look scariest bc you have to mix them - I don't want to screw it up!

Jon goes to give his semen sample on thursday so we had a nice little bd last night to make sure he was cleaned out to create new potential babies! Things are really starting to get exciting...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I feel like such a bad girl - I had some beer tonight. My RE says 1-2 drinks is ok, but I feel so bad.

DH and I were hanging out with his childhood bud who has a 1 year old and he was asking us when we would take the plunge - the beer eased the pressure I have felt since we made this appt to hang out, but now I feel a little guilty...I know I haven't even started my Lupron yet, but I just don't want to ruin our cycle....

argh. I am sure it wouldn't make the difference in the long run, but I still feel bad....

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

ok, I was being silly - a couple of beers is not going to do anything, or my doc wouldn't say it is ok!

I told Jon I felt bad and we just decided no more alcoholic beverages of any kind for either of us. That's not hard for either of us - we aren't big drinkers...

I am having a much harder time letting go of caffeine!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I read a very sad story yesterday about someone who dealt with a birth defect that resulted in the death of their child. It was touching and so well written and full of love, so moving that I was compelled to read about this wonderful couple, their sweet angel, and this very tough journey they have taken.

After that, I tail-spinned into a mini-meltdown of all the things that could go wrong with this. Jon was great, but its so hard to talk to him when I am upset about everything bc whenever he gets down, he feels its "his fault" we are facing this in the first place. It's hard to let myself have those moments in front of him right now - usually he is the positivity captain at our house, but right now he really needs that from me.

I learned my lesson - no more sad stories for me right now. Only good ones.

Positive thinking and prayer and the support of my DH, family and friends are all I should focus on right now...

On a positive note, it is the little things that keep me sane...My pg SIL was complaining last week at dinner about how bad she wants a drink, but can't bc she is pg - she didn't want to go have Mexican food bc she will want a Margarita too much...(oh, boo-hoo - she knows aboout our situation and yet these things still come out of her mouth...unbelievable Smile )

Anyway, so last night we went out for MIL's bday and I told DH I wanted a glass of wine - then for a split second I felt guilty for drinking in front of her when she wants a drink so badly but can't - then I thought - hey! wait a minute! she knows I want a baby and can't, but that doesn't stop her from being pregnant everytime I see her!! I think she can deal with it if I have a glass of wine in front of her. LOL! I made myself and DH chuckle so hard.

I wish his family would ask us more how we are doing...I think they just don't know what to say, but my friends are always talking to both of us about anything and everything and if we don't bring it up for a while and they want to know something, they come right out and ASK! I told Jon I am tempted to just stop mentioning anything about the process and see how far we can get into things before they ask about it again....grr.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Tonight was our first shot of Lupron!

Jon did a great job - I didn't even feel it.

We also started decorating for Halloween - early, I know, but I love the holiday, so I think Jon knows getting the house ready for it will soothe me...

He has his urologist appt tomorrow, I hope it gets him some answers. I think it would really help him alot to hear it is not anything he can control.

His family is being pretty good, his mom called today to let us know she was praying...and his dad specifically asked how I was and gave him some advice about how to do the shot (he gives himself allergy shots)...guess it was good advice!!

Only 3 short weeks until our egg retrieval - I am soo excited!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Jon saw a urologist today. He is not sure what Jon's issue is and he ordered some more tests.

They did an SA while he was there, but the only result they got back at the appt was the count - 300 million, that's right, I said 300 million...it was 266 million at his first one, which seemed wacky, so at least this confirms that was right.

So, the doc reviewed his initial SA results from my doc. They also talked about his symptoms - he has felt twinges of pain in his scrotum (like cramps) off and on, like once every week or 2...he always thought it was just a normal thing bc the area is so sensitive, but since we got his first SA, he has been documenting it to see if it would help the urologist....

After an exam and discussion, the doctor told him that he does have a large variococele - a varicose vein in his scrotum that can be a cause of fertility issues - 40% of men who have fertility issues have varicocele of some degree...BUT, typically men with variococele have LOWer than normal sperm counts due to the increased heat from the extra bloodflow...so since Jon's sperm count is so HIGH, the doctor is perplexed. Varicocele can be present without it being the issue, and it can even be present in men who have no fertility problems whatsoever, so even though Jon has it, he is not sure it has anything to do with the true cause of his sub-fertility.

He scheduled Jon to come back on 9/27 to have an ultrasound...(I wanna know how they are going to do that - I know how they do mine, I can't imagine it working the same way, or OUCH!)

In the meantime, he did tell Jon that in light of the initial SA and his exam/symptoms as well as the consistently abnormally high count and the fact that we are still not pg, we are taking a proper course of action in going ahead with the ICSI. At the same time, he agreed w/Jon that it's important he know what the issue is in case it is a symptom of a larger potential health problem.

Some of the additional tests he is running as part of the SA include DNA fragmentation tests, which will indicate the ability/inability of his sperm to fertilize. This makes me nervous bc if they come back bad, it couold be an early warning that our ICSI has a lower chance of succeeding, so lots of prayers for good results, please! Jon should get those results on Monday.

He really liked the Dr. and the Dr. is very well reknowned and was really nice, so hopefully everything will go as well as it can.

If you made it this far, props to my DH for wanting to share. I was reluctant, said I wasn't sure what to say, he said I had to come post, because putting it all out here could really help someone and that all of this is worth it if we help just one person by sharing.

the shot hurt a little tonight - Jon tried a different technique....I told him to go back to how he did it yesterday in future.

I am nervous about all of his extra tests, but doing my best to stay optimistic...

I even joined a prediction post where I said I will have a May baby (or two)!

Hopefully if I put it out there, it will happen...

(((((POSITIVITY!)))))))

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

wow, so yesterday I took my last bcp.

I also talked to a co-worker who is now pg but who used my doctor before and did not have the greatest experience. It stressed me out, but she also told me of alot of people she knows who went through my doc and had it go really great - so I guess that is prob the story for every doc.

I talked to her again today and she gave me alot of great advice about long term disability and other insurance issues.

She said she had a dream last night and I had a very big belly - so big that in the dream she was teasing me that I was having kittens.

Having a pg lady dream that you are pg must be some uberpositive sign, right?

Today I had a really bad bout of my heart racing and feeling dizzy/woozy. I wonder if these are side effects of the Lupron. Tonight was shot # 4. I am really nervous with how busy I am at work. I am trying to get as much as possible done before I start to feel icky!

DH is being great. He made dinner. I finally gave in and let him put a TV in our room. He's wanted one in there forever and he said he wants me in bed for my bedrest, not on the couch, so I gave in.

My doc's office called him today - weird - but didn't leave a message. I meant to check to see if they did leave a message on my phone, but I left it at work. Guess I will find out tomorrow!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Wow - I have neglected my journal for a few days...We are well, but busy...I am just anxious to start the stimulant drugs on friday. I feel like things will fly from there. I was a little peeved bc I thought my u/s should have been moved up based on my cycle day, but the girls on the IVF board talked me into a reasonable place...

Jon got his test results back. Pretty much exactly what we expected on the usual tests and we haven't gotten any explanation of the other tests yet. I hope the dr. touches base with him soon. He was bummed to see another bad morph #...like finding out he had a problem all over again...poor sweet love.

MIL came over today - she is going to a prayer conference in CA and she wanted to get an explanation of the process and our big dates so she could line up prayers for us. It was sweet of her. The whole time I kept explaining the process, she kept asking when during the process I would be "pregnant"...it was cute.

She is praying that we will get a beautiful child from all of this and that Jon will be healed and we won't have to do this again when we are ready for a second child. I think in some way his parents feel responsible for what is happening - even though there is nothing they could have done to help or to hurt his condition...

We pray too, every day, all the time. For ourselves and for our friends who are in similar struggles - I am almost amazed how many people I have met who have been where I am now or who are facing what we have faced just a few steps behind us. In a way, it's a blessing. To be able to give solace to those behind us and to find comfort and hope in the journeys of those ahead of us is really a special thing to me!

I think I am a little bloated...that or just getting fatter. MIL says I look good, but she is very into being thin, so she is prob just trying to make me feel good bc I KNOW I am bigger... I am trying not to stress or diet. I know the meds will wack my body out and bloat me, so I am just trying hard to be ok w/it, but not looking or feeling like myself gets me down a little. I cried today bc I just feel like I am not in control and I don't know how to deal w/that. I very much like being in charge and it stresses me out when there is nothing more I can proactively do...and right now between shots and dr's appts, we are just playing a waiting game.

I should focus on work - I have plenty to do before the little egg-hunt in my body - LOL!

Right now I am headed up to bed to focus on snuggling Jon and heading off to sleep.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I had nightmares last night...I was trapped in the van my parents had when we were kids - I couldn't make it go and scary people were trying to get in...then in my other dream I was watching someone elses child and I lost them. There was something weird about why I was caring for the kid in the first place, but I didn't follow what it was when I woke up...

Anyway, feeling huge and a little sensitive today. I dread being weighed tomorrow before my u/s...I also dread getting up in time to hit the docs office by 7:30, so I guess I had better hit the sack.

I want this baby sooo much. PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today was crappy.

Baseline U/S & bloodwork....

I got my u/s and the first ovary was fine...then we got to my right one and the tech thought she saw a little cyst, but not big enough to mess up the IVF cycle unless my bloodwork also came back high (it looked like it was almost dissolved already, she said)...then she moved around a little bc that ovary hides behind my uterus and she wanted to get a better look - well, turns out I had a big old whopper of a cyst - 20mm. She showed it to the nurse who is in charge of the ultrasounds...they said to continue my lupron for another week and come back next thursday for another baseline test and hopefully it will dissolve on its own...if not we will discuss next steps, will we drain it, will they cancel my cycle, what? I don't know...tune in next tuesday I guess.

So I just spent the day so upset on the inside...people tried to tell me it's good news bc it will work out better for my work schedule since I am going to be really busy the week my egg retrieval was originally scheduled for...now I won't have to worry - well, newsflash - I WASN"T worried...having a baby goes beyond making sure my schedule is convenient, so maybe it's good news for everyone else, but it isn't good news for me...I just want to have my baby...

I know this isn't guaranteed when I say that, but I certainly won't get pg by NOT doing the cycle, either...I also know I need to take care of myself and I can't ignore the cyst, it is just SO frustrating...I was actually excited about being a human pin cushion and now I am just bordering on broken-hearted waiting for yet another week to pass by....

I really want to be pregnant before I turn 30 in November...I know that is a stupid arbitrary thing and no reason to be upset, but when I started TTC a year ago, I thought I might HAVE a baby before then, and now here we are...

Jon blames himself, so I really don't have his support when I am feeling this way bc he can't help feeling sorry for himself - even when he's trying to support me. I told him to go on out with his friends tonight to watch football bc I just pick up on his mutual sadness and it doesn't help. It's so frustrating that I am able to support him, but that the best thing he can do for me when I am upset is to leave. He always takes such good care of me, I totally understand why I can't lean on him right now - he needs me to be the strong one this time - but it makes me really lonely.

No one knows quite what to say to me or how to act or whether or not its really as big a deal as I feel like it is, so I am feeling pretty alone...even when I am with my friends who know what's going on.

It's just a really hard day today. I guess I have to go change my ticker to count down to my cyst check...so I remember one day later on, today it read "13 days to our ICSI egg retrieval"...now it's at least 20, maybe 50...who knows....

I hope tomorrow is better.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I just keep thinking of today and can't stop crying and thinking how much I miss my mom....when I was upset when I was little, I used to sit on the floor next to her chair and put my cheek against her knee and she would pet my head and stroke my hair and her leg would feel so cool on my hot little teary face and it just always made me feel better, sometimes I would just sit there and hug it...That's one of the things I always think of and miss when I am sad...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Last night, my sweet friend Brooke called me, we talked forever and I really felt much better by the time it was over, she shares my struggles and it was so great to talk to someone who is living this stuff with me. I so hope she gets her lil baby soon!

Today I found out that yet another person I know is pregnant! I consider this girl a friend, and I am really excited for her - I know she'll be a great mom, and she is so cute about it and so excited!!!

At the same time, I just can't help but feel like life is passing me by. I hate being back in the waiting game. I thought once we decided to do the ICSI, we were done with that. I hate my stupid body. Why does it seem like everything is difficult for me. I don't understand. I wish I could, but I don't...I pray and pray, and still here we are...I am sure God has a plan, but I wish it didn't have to hurt so much...I hoped I would have a baby by now and here I am, not even pg, never even been close as it all turns out.

Jon was really sweet tonight - he took me to the mall. I picked out a ring I want for my bday...hopefully I'll be prego by then and I can wear it on my ring finger when my wedding rings get too tight....it's my birthstone and it is beautiful. I also bought a collection of the "Little Golden Books" stories - I loved them when I was little and want my kids to have them. I am continuing to live this experience with an expectant heart.

I just know this will happen. I WILL get my baby. I know I will!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So today I am taking an entire day and spending it with DH having fun. I am so looking forward to it. Wish me luck! It's hard to relax lately, but we're gonna try!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Jon wound up being sick the entire day on Sunday. Poor babe...he still isn't feeling great! I am back in the grind of work and anxiously waiting for my appt on Thursday. Jon and I have been praying every night and really hope everything goes well on Thursday. He says he really has a feeling that the cyst is gone already. I so hope he is right. It will be one terrible day at the office if I get bad news on Thursday morning. There is already so much to do. Also, I didn't mind the shots when it felt like we were moving forward, but taking the shots to keep us in this holding pattern is driving me crazy. The last couple of nights when Jon said it was time for my shot, I tried to avoid it and just could not fight off having a 2 minute little pout session about how I didn't want to do it and how I am sick of this and I just want to be pregnant already...ugh.

I really really really want to start stims. I think when I am at the docs, if the cyst is not gone, I am going to ask them to either drain it or cancel my cycle and we can start over on my next AF- if they want to do Lupron for another week and do another check, I am not sure I am up for it emotionally. It might be better to wait and start over if draining the little bugger is not a good option. I guess I just need to wait until Thursday and see what happens. I am just in limbo and a little bloated and not feeling myself, plus tired from working lots...

ugh.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

not much to report today, except that I hope and pray my cyst is gone tomorrow. I explained the egg retrieval process to a couple of my girlfriends at lunch today, and I thought they were gonna pass out!

One of them has a one year old...she said she can't wait till I have my baby so we can do stuff together with them - that made me happy!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I have to memorialize today - it was totally crazy at work, and my car is broken due to some weird leak I found when I got to work after the doctors office, but my experience at the docs today was freakin' awesome!!

First, there were some really nice friendly folks in the waiting room there to do an egg retrieval...they were talking and it turns out the girl was from the same tiny town as one of my exes....I didn't point it out, just thought to myself, what a small world...

THEN, I got the nurse I really really like for my appt. She had a new girl with her that they were training ( I thought, great! I get to be the test case...) any way, she introduces me to her and she says to her while we are talking - "Lisa's going to have twins" I don't think she'd say that in front of me unless they know my chances are really good! She said she has a feeling about me and just always sees me as having twins and being really cute with them. That got me all pumped up during my bw to go do the u/s...

so we start talking about what my options are if the cyst is still there, how draining isn't a guarantee that it won't come back and then she says, you know what, lets just look and then we can talk about it if it is still there - IT WAS GONE!

I basically floated out, I was so happy - they scheduled my next appt for wednesday and then when I called to check that my levels were ok, they said they want to see me monday also and scheduled that and went over the instructions for my stims to start tomorrow night!!! They were super-nice on the phone when sometimes they otherwise seem short or busy - maybe now I am "high priority" or something...

DH was SO CUTE - I left him a vmx with the good news and he said he was so excited when he tried to call back that he had trouble dialing.

He had told me on Wednesday that it was gone. He'd been praying every day and just had a good feeling. He knew it. And he was right. I am soo glad. I am soo excited to be moving forward!!! I hope everything continues down this great new path we are on.

I can't wait to be a mom!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

12 days to go to ER

Today was day one of stims - it was really no biggie...can't tell if the meds are makingme tired, or if it is from working alot...

More tomorrow!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Ok, so I missed Saturday, but there was nothing too earth-shattering. Spent the evening curled up in bed with my DH watchin' tv. Worked all day yesterday and all day today...it makes the time go faster, I guess.

Tomorrow is my first u/s and bloodwork since starting the stims. I am definitely bloated...I can't wait to see what's going on in there.

My good friend Brooke had an IUI yesterday - I am praying for her that it works out for her. She'll be such a great mom.

I feel like I have been really neglectful - I have so many pm's to return....

I'll be sure to post tomorrow about the U/S results!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Another nice wait at the docs - I met a really nice girl who is just starting her Lupron shots - she was really sweet and I think we could be friends, so I hope I bump into her again!

they saw 7-8 follicles today...

I say 7-8 bc the largest one was 12mm (3mm bigger than the next largest) and was in the same spot as my former cyst, so they aren't sure if it's a normal follicle that's just really fat, or if my cyst sprung back to life (It was 20mm when they originally saw it Thursday before last and then it was gone last Thursday)...

So, the levels should tell the tale - my baseline friday was 48. They expect it to be alot higher of course, but if it is super-high it will indicate that the cyst is back - so here we go again...

I got a message on my doc's service telling me to proceed with my medicine per my calendar and come in for my Wednesday appt. So I am assuming everything was fine. I'll find out my levels on Wednesday when I go in. I guess until then, business as usual and lots of prayers!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

tomorrow is u/s #2...I am wearing my "good luck" pj's (I wore them the night before we found out the cyst was gone, so I keep making sure they are clean to wear the night before an appt.) and I am saying lots of prayers...

My tum is definitely puffy. I hope we see over 10 follies tomorrow - that would make me feel good. I also hope all is well from last Mondays appt and we continue on schedule. Work is calming a little so I am starting to really be able to look forwward to next week.

I can't believe ER could be a week from tomorrow - I am so excited!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today was a great appointment!

My level was 337, on monday it was 143, and my baseline was 48, so hormonally I am doing great.

The u/s tech said I had 9 follies on Monday. Today we saw 11 - 7 are on the right.

The best part was that the "suspect" follie where my cyst was looked the same as last time at 12mm, so my other follies are catching up to it and it isn't growing out of control!

The tech was really thrilled about how my lining looks too, which made me happy bc w/o meds it was "thin", able to sustain pregnancy, according to my re, but thinner than she wanted to see. I am thrilled that it is nice and fat right now!

It was also a good day at work, so I am on cloud nine! Ready to hang out with DH for the evening.

I get to start my third drug tonight and it has to be mixed, so we'll have to really focus! Bring on the menopur!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

owie - zowie!!!

That round of shots hurt like a @&$#^&%!

I think it is just bc there was so much fluid - the menopur and the follistim and the lupron.

I ate dinner right after and I guess it was just too much for that area of my bod 'cause I felt like I was gonna hurl!

Better now, but I am pretty sure my days of being able to say - "the shots don't even make me sore" are numbered!

That's ok - hopefully so are my days of saying - "oh, we don't have any kids - yet..."

Can I just say how much I love the girls on the TTC 0-12 board...they have really supported me, even the new ones! I get so moved by the response I get every time I post an update - if any of you read my journal - thank you, ladies!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Today was ok - 12 follies today - they told me I am a "slow" responder - which they said is good bc it is giving the little follies a chance to catch up.

I did feel kinda jerked around though bc at first they said they would have to extend my cycle and that if I was going to need more meds to go an extra couple days, to call and let them know, so when I called to order, I guess the doc had looked at everything and told them that this was not the case...that everything is fine and on track for next week...good news I guess, but if I get there on Monday and they decide to extend and I don't have the meds - they better freakin' figure something out...my boss was laughing when I told him (he is so cool) and said that we get way more worked up about our jobs, whereas docs are like aaah, whatever, and their job is life or death and ours is never a true crisis...it made me laugh...

So, I am on track Monday for my trigger - YAY!

Tonight I told my roommate from college about what we are doing - it was nice to let her know...we lived together for 5 years and she was in town tonight. She actually hung out with us even while we did my shots - we're that close - and we all talked and laughed about everything. It was great. It's cool, bc she can even tell me that parts of what we are doing "freak her out" and it was still totally cool bc I can tell she's psyched about us having a kid - we're like sisters.

Jon found out his sis is having another girl - he is totally jazzed about it bc he so badly wants to have the first boy in the family...he wants to give his dad that first grandson...we'll see!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So, tonight was our last night of stims..if all goes well tomorrow, we should be doing our trigger shot tomorrow night. Exciting, but I think it will all seem more real to me AFTER the u/s tomorrow.

We spent the weekend with our cousins and their one year old. They are excited for us and impressed (not sure they could do it) with what we are taking on here. They called once we all got back to town and are going to bring us dinner the night of the retrieval - finally some family support of the "hands on" variety!

Everything was great this weekend - the boys went hunting and I took them up on the opportunity to shoot some very swanky gun. I thought it would be funny at my u/s - "so, Lisa, what did you do this weekend?" "oh, not much, went for a walk, played on the internet, shot an assault rifle..." It made me laugh.

My hopes are high for tomorrow - I have got to get to bed soon and say my prayers.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

another terrific appointment today!! 15-16 follies all ready to go!

I gained 4lbs since friday - nurse said it was water - I think it is probably the twizzlers and hot tamales and mexican food I had this weekend, but I'll go with water...other than the bloating, everything seems perfect!!

Jon is so excited, but I don't think it has hit me yet.

What has hit me is that we are officially done with shots! YAYAY

The trigger was another sub-q shot and really no big deal.

Wednesday morning at 9:30 is the big time! Any kind thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So tomorrow is ER!

Jon and my friend Kim are going with me. I am tired and nervous about what is on the other side of this - a whole new bag of what if's?...

Jon is excited and hopeful - I need to follow his lead and expect the best. I'll be saying my prayers tonight for healthy eggs and healthy sperm to come together tomorrow and make perfect little embies.

I am so ready to be a mom. Everyone - family and friends - are being SO sweet and supportive.

I truly hope and pray this is it for us. I'll update you on the egg count tomorrow!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

wow - I am getting emotional now - I just want so badly for everything to go well and to end up with my sweet little baby. We have been through so much, though I know it is far less than some. I pray we are nearing the end of this part of our journey and that it is time for us to receive our precious little blessing to raise and to love.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

We got 9 good eggs today - not as many as I hoped base on my u/s's, I was pretty upset when I came out of the anesthesia and the nurse told me, but the RE came back and assured me that the 9 eggs they got were good eggs and that everything went well and that things are good...now we just wait for the fertilization report...I cried a little - now I am just praying that the ones we did get fertilize and grow healthy and strong!

Jon has been super-sweet, he brought me lunch and dinner and he and the cats hung out with me in bed tonight. I'll be home all day tomorrow and back to the old grind on Friday. Hopefully if all goes well, transfer will be Monday!

Thanks everyone, for all of your support!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I can't believe it. Only one egg fertilized. I am devastated. I was sure we'd have more than just one. We are now doing a day 3 transfer. I just hope and pray that this one is THE one and that it will keep growing and grab on tight when it has the chance.

We so desparately want to be parents. I am just heartbroken. I feel awful for Jon too. I just wish I could understand...

I wish my mom was here.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am somewhat relieved today. Our little embie was graded early this morning - while he was only 2 cells, they said it was early and that the lab was comfortable that he would catch up in time for the transfer. He was graded a 2 on a scale of 1-4, 1 is the best, but the nurse told me that a 2 is good and that this is all good news for proceeding with the transfer tomorrow. I am hopeful right now, but still nervous. Everyone I know (and alot of people I don't) are praying their little hearts out for us.

I just want my little one to GROW!!!

I love it so much already.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

And now the REAL 2ww begins...

Our transfer started out very early in the am yesterday - we met the doc w/good news - she said our little embie looked GREAT! I did not want to get caught up in the details of whether he was still a 2 or had graduated to 1 status, so I didn't push for details - I am sure she didn't want to overwhelm me with any, either...I figure I can ask that stuff when I go in for my beta and what's done is done. The docs enthusiasm was enough for me.

We got all dressed to go into the sterile environment for the transfer - poor DH had to take his shoes off bc otherwise the little booties would not fit on his giant feet - we all laughed!

Once we were in, we discovered that my full bladder pushed my uterus straight up to an almost 90 degree angle up above my cervix - the nurse had just brought in a new tool so the doctor could "pull my cervix closer" to her (I didn't like the sound of that), when the doc said - nevermind, I got it...I didn't get a glimpse of what jon described as a giant scissor (I assured him it had to be more of a "tong" as no one was "cutting" anything today) but I did see Jon's face over at my shoulder and he looked like he was going to be ill!

At the end of it all, they gave us an u/s pic w/an arrow pointing to a tiny white dot and said - "there's your baby"...wow! They put me back on a bed and wheeled me out and as we all left that room, I looked at Jon and said, "oh, sweetie, wasn't that romantic?" Again, we all laughed.

We rested for a while, scheduled my beta, got reassurance from the doc that even though we only had one, everything looked REALLY good for us today.

So now I am home, bed-resting for the most-part and giving my lil punkin time to attach - yesterday it was "the blob", but Jon decided to come up with a more inviting term to encourage our little one to stick around. Here's hoping I will be wonderfully miserable w/morning sickness very soon.

All my IRL family and friends and all of my on-line buddies have been amazing during this entire journey.

Whatever happens, I am the closest I have ever been to that BFP!

and, like I told Jon, we made a baby!

That feels wonderful.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

yesterday went by in a blur. I feel like all I have done for the past week is eat and sleep. I guess that is good and what I need to do. I spent some time on the computer today getting caught up and getting ready to go back to work on Wednesday. Tomorrow I am actually allowed to leave the house! Very exciting.

We are hanging in there and praying every few hours that our "lil punkin" will hold on. In the meantime, we are living optimistically and celebrating all its "firsts" - tonight is Chinese food!

I hope we aren't setting ourselves up for disappointment, but I feel like all I can do is assume I am an expectant mother until I am proven otherwise - its the best thing to do for the baby if it IS still growing in there and THAT is the most important thing. Jon even kissed my belly goodbye when he left for work this morning.

Hang in there, little baby!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I know I am only four days into my wait, but it is dragging by...

I am going back to work tomorrow - hopefully that will make things go by more quickly...I just worry that it will stress me out bc I know I will be distracted and not 100% myself.

Plus I feel like I am huge - I am scared my clothes won't fit...

On top of that, my MIL calls everyday to ask me how I am feeling, which I appreciate, but I feel like she's waiting for me to tell her I'm pregnant or I am not, you know? and I just don't know yet...she keeps saying how she really hopes this worked bc (and of course, she says - it's your decision, but...) she really doesn't like what we are putting my body through...I understand she means well, but its not like we are huge fans either - it's just the best option for us right now, and she's right, it is OUR decision, and we know how she feels so why does she keep saying it.

She has been really supportive, its just this one comment keeps getting on my nerves - big time.

That, and I am just so scared the little one won't take, I don't know why bc when we originally planned to transfer 2, we were so hoping for twins, so why would it be that if we transferred one, we wouldn't get that?

We are being cautiously optimistic - we pray and talk about and to the little one all the time and keep positive - why shouldn't we be - the embryo was good, my lining looked good, I am healthy, what's not to be optimistic about - right? But I know sometimes things just happen (or don't) and that there's no explaining it.

thanks for listening to me rant, I know it's a little early - I had hoped to wait until Saturday to get this aggravated, but I guess it was bound to happen somtetime.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I added a little ticker to count down to my Beta - it gives me something to watch tick down - that has always helped me psychologically..

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Jon got some good news and a request for more test. The dr thinks that his variococele is not the cause of his issue - he has one (his vein is 3.5mm in diameter, but the max normal is 3mm, so they think it's really a non-issue), but the doctor thinks it is more about hormone levels his semen sample tested borderline for testosterone levels and low for FSH and LH, so he prescribed him some kind of pill - I'll get the name tomorrow - to help - he will be retested every month for three months to see how much his morphology improves - it might not get him to "normal". but the doctor thought it might get him to IUI range if he responds well - it should at least make future ICSI more successful - he thought.

We only found this out after his second SA w/the urologist where they ran extra tests on the semen sample for the hormone levels in the semen - these issues did not show up in the bloodwork and standard SA they did at my RE.

He also came back negative on DNA breakage, so we have no DNA issues with the little guys who do appear normal - YAY! So when Jon told the doc about our low fertilization rate, he was puzzled. Before his next appt, his doctor is going to contact my doctor to talk through how our cycle went to make sure they are covering all the bases. I thought that was awesome. He's also going to run a chromosome level test next time to look for things the DNA breakage test would not have caught, to see if there is an explanation there! We are so blessed to have such a specialist on the case! Jon's next appt is 10/30, so by then we'll know if we have a little one on the way or not and if we move on to cycle 2, our docs will be working together - awesome, right?!

Can I just tell you, the most hilarious part of all of this was how Jon told me the doctor commented (i'm thinking it was more like complimented, but that sounds weird) about the "healthy" size and form of his - um - balls - so weird, but he told me and he was all excited and said - "and that guy looks at balls all day!" to show what boys get out of things - he remembered all the details of this moment, but when I asked what the medicine was he said - "I don't know, it starts with an A...the prescription will be ready tomorrow - it was like Ambien, but not..."(no joke, hon)

Sigh - as perfect as Jon is - he is still a boy sometimes!!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

tonight I cried bc I just want my lil punkin to be living in me and right now there is no way for me to know. I want to be optimistic, but i am afraid to let that hope build for fear that I'll be truly devastated next friday if he/she is gone...

It's so hard to love someone so much and know you may never see them. I am sure many ladies can relate.

I think the wait is just starting to wear on my emotions.

My sis is coming into town to stay this weekend and she and her hubby don't know about the IVF (don't want to freak them out for nothing - she does NOT handle stress well) so this is going to be tough.

I can't explain how much I love my little baby already and I wish I could know if I should be hanging on or letting go. I guess I just keep hanging on until I know one way or the other.

I feel like alot of people wouldn't even consider this as pregnant yet, but to me, we made a baby - and it was alive and inside of me and I know that, so to me, it counts and all of the emotions are definitely here.

I love you punkin. I hope with my whole heart and soul that you are still here with me.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Still praying and crying for lil punkin - last night we got brave and strolled through babies r us...we actually had fun! every so often we would talk to the punkin about all the cool stuff that's out here for it if it will just hang in w/us...I said something and SIL said something back that sounded like she is already thinking of me as prego and I hated having to remind her that we may have to go through all this again...

Anyway, I'll be hanging with my sis till tomorrow night, but secretly loving my punkin and praying all the time. I so desparately hope he is with me - some of the drugs I was on have left my system and I don't "feel" pregnant as much as I did - so I just hope those symptoms return.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

My beta is on Friday and I'm getting nervous bc now that I've had some recovery time, I don't "feel" different at all...I just wonder if I should be having symptoms or even just a "feeling" about whether or not I am pg.

It's hard bc I keep telling Jon that I am trying to be optimistic, but at the same time, I don't want to build myself up just to get destroyed on friday - esp since we only transfered one bc that's all we wound up with...

I know our odds probably aren't that great and lets face it - we've wound up on the bad side of the odds many times over to get to where we are now...

I am just going to spend the rest of my day relaxing and praying for and thinking about my sweet little punkin.

Jon broke down a little today and almost cried looking at some baby stuff in this cute store we went into...I know its hard for him to stay so positive all the time.

I know that whatever happens, it will work out and we will have each other. We just both want our little baby, too.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So today I am working, but still driving myself nuts trying to figure out if my boobs hurt or not - last night I had a CRAZY dream and woke up and had to go to the bathroom and at that time I was drenched in sweat and they definitely hurt. Now, eh, maybe?

This was the 2nd night in a row that I've had really vivid dreams and I hear that can be a pg symptom, plus yesterday, I had a really sharp pain in my abdomen, like a cramp that lasted for at least a minute - maybe it was just gas, who knows, but hopefully it was little punkin deciding to invest in sticking w/us for a while.

I still just keep thinking about how much I love it already and how thrilled I'll be if I am pg...but I am still terrified that I am not - even though I know it is perfectly normal to have no symptoms whatsoever at this point and STILL be pg...aaarrgh!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So I think we've decided to start peeing on things tomorrow...Jon and I have discussed. I'll keep you posted...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I have a sinking feeling that we may be doing this whole IVF thing again - I am not giving up on my lil punkin, I just have a feeling like this time it may not have worked. I would love it if it did work, but I know that if it didn't it will be ok. Since it's the first time that we had a really good shot, I guess it's kind of like expecting to get pregnant the first month you try, which is a long-shot. Whatever happens, we did make a baby and that's the farthest we have ever gotten, so that's progress right? Please pray that my sinking feeling is wrong and that my little one will show up on that blood test friday. That's what I am praying for.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

BFN # 1 today...Jon says we should still keep our heads up and that he is looking forward to the blood test on Friday. I am still hopeful, but I think it is good that if my suspiscions are confirmed then I will have had time to grieve on my own a little bit before everyone starts asking...

COME ON PUNKIN...if you are in there, let's get this show on the road.

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