oh, just crying off and on all day. MIL asked me how I was and I told her I didn't think it worked. She didn't fight me on it - said she would keep praying but also that she believes that if I was, I would just know it. Her hope is that Jon's new medicine will heal him and that we can conceive naturally. Jon and I both know she just doesn't understand that this medicine will probably not make him "normal"...if anything it will take him from terrible to bad, improving our chances with assistance. I just told her that I am out of patience and not willing to spend another 3 months waiting to see what will happen when I can be actively trying something that has a good chance of working...
ugggh. I hate this. Punkin, please be in there - it would solve a lot of mommy's problems - help a sister out!
another HPT that could not be more negative. While we are still hoping for the best, we are pretty convinced it was not to be this time.
I have my game plan all worked out for the weekend, just waiting to see whether we'll be following plan A or plan B...
Hopefully by tomorrow, I'll be all cried out and I'll be able to keep a stiff upper lip either way on my client visit.
So I've been told by someone I know that they had 3 + blood tests, but never managed to make an hpt + from their IVF cycles...she told me that as long as I haven't started spotting - and I haven't - that it could go either way at this point. So, here's hoping and praying for my little punkin.
Please be in there, punkin. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Please hear our prayers. We know that you have a plan for us, and we want you to know that what we desire of all things in this world is to become parents. Please take care of us in our time of want and need. We love you and we love our baby that we do not know. We wish to have the chance to know him or her. Please help us.
yet another bfn this morning...I guess the final verdict will be in later today.
Lil punkin, if you are there, please stick around. If you've already left me, I know God will take care of both of us, today and always. I love you.
Wish me luck!
We have an official negative, now, so I'll spend this weekend doing all the things I haven't been able to do on the assumption that I was pregnant - consuming alcohol, caffiene and sushi and taking long hot baths...the good news is they said we can start again as soon as AF comes, so I'll call on CD 1 to get my bcps and set up my consultation to talk about how things went, and what we'll do differently this time.
I wrote a letter this morning to my punkin. I'm going to tuck a copy of this letter and our u/s picture into our family bible so we'll always have it to remember by. This was very hard to do, but I hope it will make me feel better.
My dearest lil punkin,
You probably won’t remember me the way that I remember you, but I do hope you know who I am. You never saw me and I knew you only very briefly and you were very small. I am your mom. Making you with your dad was one of the most amazing and hard and wonderful things that I ever did and I am sad that I know now that I will never see you as a little person with big blue eyes and blonde hair (how your dad and I both looked when we were little – it was pretty much a guarantee), but in the few days that I knew you were living inside of me and the days that followed when I hoped you still were, I came to love you more than I ever imagined possible.
Even though I did not know you, I imagined you….sometimes you were a boy, sometimes you were a girl…I thought about how you would laugh and smile, what you would feel like, how you would smell, how I would sing to you and comfort you when you cry…what your room would look like…how much fun you would have with your dad…all the things your granny would do to spoil you and all of the tall tales your grand-dad would try to make you believe. I so hoped I would get to spend the rest of my lifetime watching you grow up into someone wonderful and helping you to learn and become the amazing person I knew you would have been, but it was just not to be…I’m sorry for that. I’ll always be your mother and you’ll always be my first baby and I miss you and love you more than I can ever say.
Your dad says you will be our family’s special angel now. Your dad’s a pretty special guy. He wanted to teach you how to build things and how to play the guitar and drive a tractor and he wanted to play with trains together with you – all of the fun things he used to do with his daddy when he was little. If you had grown into a little boy, I had the feeling that I would never see you because your dad and your grand-dad would have had you with them all of the time. If you had been a girl, your daddy’s entire world would have been wrapped on the end of your tiny little finger. He’s a push-over with the ladies. He is also the kindest person I have ever known. I know he misses you and that he hurts very much because you can’t be with us and he, too, had his heart set on a lifetime with you. He also understands though, that you are with your true Father now, and that it’s just how things were meant to be. (He’s a little bit better at being at peace with things than mommy is – he takes care of me that way.) You would have been crazy about your dad. He was so in love with you, even before you were ever made. We hoped you were our lucky “one” - and maybe you are, just not in the way we had planned. I am sure your dad is right and that you are now watching over us.
I hope you have found your Gramma in Heaven. That’s my mommy. Just like how I feel about you, I miss her and I love her and I think of her every day. Please take care of her, and let her love you, and watch over your dad and me together with her.
There are so many things I want to tell you, that I just can’t find the words to do right now. Perhaps I will write again sometime.
I want you to know that your dad and I aren’t the only ones who loved you. You have aunts and uncles and grandparents (I mentioned them) who all loved you so much and were cheering for you to stay here with us and be a part of this world. We all have heavy hearts that it was not meant to be. Many of mommy and daddy’s friends feel the same. We all understand that it was just not meant to be, but we had hoped and prayed, and now we grieve. Someday we will feel better and we will remember you fondly always.
I need to tell you again that making you was the most wonderful and difficult thing that your dad and I have ever done. Your existence gave us hope that someday a child will come to us and that it will stay and we will have a chance to do with it all the things we dreamed of doing with you.
We love you always, little punkin, and we thank you for being in our lives, even for just a moment and so small we couldn’t even see. We knew you were there, living and growing – a little bit of me and a little bit of your dad. That means everything to us.
Please watch over us and know that we love you. Take care of us and hear our prayers along with our Father in Heaven.
This post should be called - "Welcome to my Meltdown"
Today was hard, I went to church with Jon - it was a mass in honor of his grandfather's birthday, so it was really important to him to go today instead of tomorrow morning...
In church, the Mass today was all about marriage and family and children, and after awhile I felt like I couldn't breathe - I started getting really upset and asked Jon "can I go outside?" and practically ran out as he told me that I could - I had started to cry and I felt like everyone was staring.
After I had a chance to calm down a bit on the bench in the little flower garden - Jon came and got me. I got angry bc I wanted to be left alone, but he said everyone was worried and wanted to know if I was ok - well, I was NOT ok and didn't really care if they were worried, but I went back in with him because he said "It's almost time for communion" and I could tell he really wanted me to go. There was the staring - again - as I made the long walk back to the row holding the entire family.
We left right after to grab a table for dinner at the restaurant - we argued on the way about whether he came and got me because he was worried about me or because he wanted everyone else not to worry - I said I was upset and he should have left me alone and it made me really mad that he came out and guilted me into going back in. (I know he was genuinely concerned for me as well, and have recognized to him that my emotions are making me a little bit more unreasonable than normal...)We went back and forth for a while - then finally he said "Fine - I just won't ask you to go to church with me ever again" - I was livid - I said "Stop treating me like a child who misbehaved instead of a woman who basically just found out that her baby f-ing died-(choking sob) - this was NOT just another negative pregnancy test!! Jeez - It's not like I was picking my nose or something - I was getting really upset and I did not want to have a breakdown in church!" He said he was really sorry and that he didn't mean it that way - that he really had been worried - I said then you should have stayed there (outside) with me when you came to check instead of making me go back in when you knew I felt like I needed to go, but that I shouldn't have yelled at him like that - punkin was his baby too, and I know he hurts - we made up and we were fine...
As soon as we walk in the restaurant - BAM - we run into a pair of Jon's old friends, who we didn't even know had gotten married, and their 5 month old son. I wanted to crawl under the floor. When we finally got to sit down I looked around and there was literally a pregnant woman or a baby at every table - including ours - pregnant SIL...I sat quietly and drank my margarita.
Jon made plans to hang out with our cousins tonight and teach them how to play dominos, but I just couldn't handle it after the way the evening went - they have a darling 18 month old and I love her to pieces, but If I have to see any more baby toys or baby clothes or, for that matter, babies, tonight, I just might have a tantrum.
I guess today is my official day of wallowing and being pathetic - hopefully after today, things will start getting better.
Today was a much better day - DH and I spent the day together just the 2 of us - running all over town and doing fun stuff - just the 2 of us. We are pooped - and still a little down now that we have gotten quiet and are getting ready to go to bed...but it was nice to spend a fun day together and not have to talk to anyone but each other.
I love Jon SO much!
Can't sleep - Jon is sawing logs and my mind is racing...all I can think about is this darned infertility and what can we do to get past it. So I came downstairs, paid a couple of bills, checked the boards, re-read my letter to punkin and cried a little. I miss the idea that I might actually be pregnant...(sigh) I had better try to get some sleep.
Ok, so I am a lil behind, I started AF on Monday night, so here we are on Wednesday and i have officially started my downcycle for the next cycle...thing is, I AM FURIOUS.
My dr's office forgot to call in the prescription for my BCPs TWICE!!! Then they were closed early, so I had to call my original OBGYN who referred me to the specialist and beg her NP to prescribe the pills because I had to start today or I wouldn't be able to do this cycle. I would have had to wait another month.
I am going to call tomorrow and let them know how furious I am!
I meet with my dr on Friday and I made a list of every stupid little thing that they have ever messed up on since I started going to her and I am going to ask her why I should have confidence that my second cycle will be any better than the first when this is the kind of treatment and attention I get. Honestly - this is my baby we are talking about here - not to mention all of the $$ and emotional stress of having to second-guess people all the time.
I think she is a really great dr - she really cares and wants to see people get pregnant, and I hate to have to go looking for another one, but I can't afford to let myself be overlooked and have it cost me my baby - I think I need to feel like she is going to be more involved this next time... If she doesn't make me feel alot better, I'll be shopping for a new clinic. Ugh - like I was not stressed enough!
ugh - tomorrow is the big appt. I am dreading it. Today is just one of those days where I feel like I am never going to be pregnant...(sigh)
I hope tomorrow is a great day!
So I kind of had my fears confirmed today at the doctors office.
It turned out once they really took a good look at the eggs when they got ready to fertilize them that they were not all so good...they are supposed to have a fluffy cloudlike appearance, mine had the outer "fluff", but it was compacted and dark - she said they looked more like storm clouds...also on the inside of them, some had vacuoles or empty space...in all likelihood, this contributed to why they didn't fertilize.
She said that this could point to an underlying egg quality issue, but bc I am so young and we have only done one cycle that it could be that we just got a bad batch - at this point she thinks we can still get pregnant with my eggs, and she said she wouldn't tell us that if she didn't believe it - though she did say if we do a second cycle and get the same results, she will probably change her tune...she did say I respond well to the meds, so she is going to up them to see if we can get more eggs to increase our chances...Right now, our tentative ER is 12/6.
Jon doesn't want to think past this cycle right now and the idea of having to use donor eggs upsets me, though I don't know why bc donor sperm was fine by me when we thought we would have to go that route - I guess I got used to the idea that whatever happened the baby would be 1/2 me and now the tables are turned and it could be that it will be 1/2 Jon instead if we continue down this road - I am sure that idea will just take some getting used to, after all, I would have the pregnancy time to bond with the baby - it wouldn't be able to live without me - and I would get to experience everything just the same as if it were my egg...I guess I just thought since everything else was fine so far with me, that I was ok, and hopefully I am and this is all a big fluke. I don't know what will happen or what we'll do if it doesn't work this time, I guess we'll just have to pray that it does.
This isn't something they could have seen before now...It just all seems so unfair - I'm not even 30 yet. Uggh.
So I didn't confront the dr. today about every stupid little thing that's happened since I have gone there like I had planned - once the egg issue was on the table, that was much more important to me to understand, but I did kick up a fuss about what happened this week w/not being able to get my bcps. I thought that was the most important thing. And I heard her through the wall talking to someone about it while I was still in the consultation room, so I know that at least that got addressed. That did make me feel better.
What a tough stinking day...
So last night we stopped by the Jon's parents...His mom was there decorating cookies w/his niece who is 3 - she was getting tired and fussy and hard to manage and his mom - exasperated looked at me and said - "are you SURE you want kids???"
I was stricken...I tried to just let it go - I knew she was trying to make light and that she would never say anything to hurt me (DH was off with his dad somewhere) but when she finally went to take the little on off to a bath and bedtime, as she walked by, I said "Of course, I am sure I want kids" and I started to cry...she said "I know you do" and I said, "you shouldn't say that to me"...she hugged me and told me that I was right, that she was sorry and that it wil happen. that we will get through this and that I will have a child (I'm crying and I feel bad, but at the same time I am thinking - how the #^*$ do you know?) She said that I know she would never do or say anything to hurt me and I know that, it just really hurt after the awful day we had...and that's kind of how I feel about the way Jon's sister acts towards us anyway like compared to her, we're just dumb kids and we don't really know what we're doing or what we want - maybe if she would actually SPEAK to us, I would feel differently, but right now, that's the condescending vibe I get off of her when she's in the room - like she's superior bc she has kids and we don't and we just won't understand until we do...
Ugh - I just wonder when this is all going to get better. I so desperately want to just wake up and have this next cycle be over and be pregnant. I want to find out that there is nothing wrong with me and the whole last cycle was just a bad dream.
I want to make my husband a father...in the meantime, it is so difficult bc neither of us care about anything else and nothing seems to make us happy - the best we can hope for is to have an OK day where nothing in particular went terribly wrong and that is awful. I want our life back to having great days, happy days, but its so hard when the thing you want most for each other, not even just for yourself, you are powerless to do anything about...I know we aren't powerless, we ARE doing something, but we have no control over how long it takes or how its all going to turn out. In the meantime people all around us are turning out baby after baby and it just makes my heart hurt for us and for everyone that loves us and wants to see us happy.
Sorry to be such a downer - I am really hoping as we get closer to the injection part of the cycle that I start to feel excited again.
Jon had a dream last night that we got pg and had 2 babies - both boys. He was bummed about the fact that they were both boys, but I told him it didn't matter - whetever would be fine and I would love 2 of anything at this point - he agreed - I hope it is a premonition and not just a dream.
He came straight down and hugged me this morning - I love him!
We got our new calendar today - after a terrible cry-filled weekend, I am now a little stress-ball all over again, but I am going to try really hard to let it all go for a while since we don't even start shots again for about 4 weeks. (Breathe in, Breathe out)
I talked to my brother again tonight and he gave me the "relax" speech - which seems very zen when he gives it bc he is an athlete and is very much one of these mind-body-spirit types...he says I stress out way too easily and that tenses up everything and everyone knows that your body responds negatively to stress, so to keep on moving forward, but to just try really hard to just let it all fall out the way its going to - you know it's serious when your manly man brother tells you to get yourself to the spa! LOL!
Still hanging in here...not too much to say except I don't want to go too many days w/o posting in my journal. Hopefully this will be a gift to my child someday. It's so overwhelming - this whole process, but it is giving me peace to think about how many options we do still have and how hopefully last cycle really WAS just a fluke and we'll still have our baby or babies sooner rather than later...
What happened this week to Sarah (Uropachild) and her husband is such a terrible tragedy and it reminded me how fragile life is and that even if things seem to be going perfectly, it can all change in an instant. My heart breaks for her with what happened to her sweet baby. I hope it isn't wrong for me to talk about it on my thread, but it truly touched me - I did not know her well, but I had followed her pregnancy on the boards and she was always so happy and full of life and had a great energy...it's just terrible that this happened to her.
Thinking about it has made me so appreciative for what I do have in my life, which is alot. I pray for healing for her and her DH and that they feel all the love the folks on this board are sending out to her.
Somedays my struggles seem so big, but when I think about facing what she and her DH are facing now, my troubles really are few.
I am praying for you and your family, Sarah. Though you may never see this post, these words are here.
I miss punkin today. I have to change insurance at work bc they will no longer offer my plan next year, so I have been researching what coverage to pick up and it is forcing me to think ahead...what if this cycle doesn't work? what if I really do have an egg quality problem? Ugh - I know it is not the end of the road if I do, but it's just so much to think about....we talk about adoption - both post-birth and embryo, and we are also thinking of looking into donor eggs...
I never thought I'd really have to make these kinds of decisions. Sometimes I feel like it's not even me I am talking about - its wild.
Well, tonight, I will try to lose myself in some TV - Jon is at his KC meeting, and I am home with some leftover tuna casserole - YUM.
Oh, and I had some spotting today - weird bc I am on bc...if it doesn't go away, I may call the dr., just to be safe...
We have had a drama-filled day!
Jon's sis is in the hospital - she went to her doctors appt w/early contractions today and they decided to admit her to the hospital (she had the same issue last pg). They have stopped them, but they'll prob put her on bedrest and they have her staying overnight for observation. Right now it sounds under control, but it is really early for the baby to be born - I think she's around 31 or 32 weeks, so we'll be praying that her new little girl stays put and gives herself a few more weeks to grow.
I went and hung out at Jon's parents house with her other daughter tonight - she's 3 and luckily it is normal for her to stay at granny's on the weekend, so they haven't had to tell her anything yet. She was so cute, she asked if I was tired and I said yes and I laid down on the couch and she brought me her doll that "helps me go to sleep" , Jon's mom wasn't sure she was going to let me go home - she's really a little angel and can't wait to be a big sister! Please keep your fingers crossed and offer prayers and positive for my sweet DH's family.
Also my dad went to the hospital with chest pains - they think he is ok, just waiting on some test results before they let him go home - he has a long history of heart problems, so they have already booked an appt w/his cardiologist for Monday on the assumption he'll be going home. I am hoping he'll be fine - he's had his share of near misses, but this one didn't sound too bad - we just have to be careful bc he's had multiple attacks and a triple bypass and some stints, so his health is a little bit fragile. We're praying he feels better and is back to normal after a restful weekend.
If he doesn't get better and go home, I may bail on my work trip to FL and go home instead - I am supposed to leave Sunday morning for FL - I was already dreading it a little - I am feeling needy and am not looking forward to spending a whole week w/people who have no idea what's going on w/me and not being able to talk about anything to anyone. I just want to stay home these days with the people who understand what we are going through. Plus, I have been spotting - and I never spot - must be a side-effect of the bcps, but it's just one more thing - Oh well, hopefully after a nice quiet day tomorrow, I'll feel better.
My dad is home and fine. Since there was no reason for me to head home to be sure he was ok - I went ahead and came to FL.
Jon's sis is still in the hospital and will be for at least another week. The doctors want her to stay there until they think it will be safe for the baby to be born if she goes into labor...
Poor Jon is doing everything he can to help with his sis. I wish I could be there to help him.
Jon booked a bed & breakfast for my birthday weekend out in the Hill Country - I think it should be fun - he wanted to do something special - like VEGAS - and I just wanted to stay home, so this was our compromise...he really thinks we need to celebrate, so I am going to try hard to enjoy it - it really does seem like it will be nice.
I am so homesick. I am out of town for work this week and I just can't wait to go home - I feel adrift and all alone w/o Jon. I also hate that he's at home dealing w/everything there by himself. Everynight while I have been away, I have talked to him about how much I want us to have a baby and I have cried and not been able to sleep. He says he just wants me home and to have a day where I do not cry bc I have been crying alot since my meeting w/the RE - I guess bc I am scared for this next cycle...plus now with everything w/my dad and his sis...there's just alot going on right now causing me fear and sadness...it's funny - I am fine all day and then when I get ready to settle down and sleep, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Not everynight, but since I'm here out of town w/o Jon, that is how it has been. I can't wait to get home to him on Thursday. I am praying that I will feel better bc I know how hard it is on Jon to see me like this and to have to be strong all the time bc he is worried for me (and of course, I continue to pray for our child to come to us so that we can move forward as a family and put this hurt behind us).
I feel better now that I have gotten this all out - I think I'll lie down and try to sleep now.
I am back from FL. Unfortunately Jon's sis is still in the hospital - they are waiting for her to go 48 hours w/o contractions and they were set to let her go home yesterday and she had some more contractions a couple of hours before they were to release her. Please continue to offer any prayers and kind thoughts for her and baby Lauren. I hung out w/Rebecca last night and watched Snow White with her - Jon's mom kept telling her how much she loves her aunt and uncle - I know it was meant to comfort us, but it hurt bc all I could think was "of course we're everyone's favorite aunt and uncle bc we are the only ones not too busy with our own kids to look after our relationships with everyone elses" then I tried not to think about how when we finally do have kids, no one will connect with ours the way we have with everyone elses, bc they came last. It just made me sad for kids I'm not sure I'll ever even have at this point which is totally depressing...
Of course, I am sure I'll have kids (somehow) on an intellectual level - this feeling of never is purely emotional, but I just have to get it out...
This same night that I got home we found out yet another couple we are friends with are expecting - the guy is one of DH's best friend from childhood - aaargh - Jon is now officially the last one of his pretty large group of friends from childhood w/o a child. (And, with what feels like, for me at least, little hope in sight of having one anytime soon.) They'll be home for Thanksgiving and want to hang out with us and another couple that Friday...sigh. Just how I want to spend my holiday - I know that's terrible, but I start stims that Friday so it will just be a really tough day. I love this couple, I really do and I am very happy for them. I knew when he called last week (Jon missed the call) that this is what he was calling for - I told Jon - "they're pregnant", he said "nah, he's just calling to check in" (which he does from time to time) but I said no, he's not. I feel like I have pregnancy radar or something right now, like you could show me flashcards of women and I could tell you "pregnant" or "not pregnant" It's a little crazy.
We are supposed to be going home to visit my fam this weekend, and were debating whether or not to tell my sis what is going on w/us, but now I am not sure I have the energy to go...I am still so tired from my trip and the idea of a nice quiet weekend w/my hubby sounds wonderful.
Today I went w/Jon to the urologist - his doctor talked to us about our cycle, which was nice, but then he pressed about why we are doing ICSI when this is our only issue. He seemed surprised we did not do IUI's first bc Jon's count is so high, meaning there are a good amount of quality guys in there even with his low percentage - he ordered a test for them to do an SA on a sample both before and after an IUI "wash" to see if the sample would be suitable for getting me pregnant, assuming I really do not have an egg quality problem...
He said that if you go to an RE who does ICSI's for your initial fertility workup, that oftentimes their treatment of choice is what you wind up doing, though he was quick to say that he isn't saying that we are doing the wrong treatment, just that you "don't go to a Cadillac dealer and expect to be able to get a Ford"...
He listened to my concerns about our treatment thus far and gave me the name of another doctor I could talk to if I want to get a second opinion - he said that lots of people go to multiple doctors over the course of their treatment- he does not encourage jumping around for every single cycle bc sometimes freaky things really do happen, or your body does need to be figured out, but does think it's wise to get a second opinion...I agree with that - it's alot of money and emotion to just put all your faith in one person.
I planned on getting a second opinion if the egg quality issue turns out to seem to be real, anyway, so I think I'll go ahead and call this other one and make an appt for January in case this cycle doesn't work out.
At first, I was all stressed out by the conversation and felt totally back at square one. I appreciate him shooting me straight and I'd love to get pregnant via an IUI if it turns out I can, but I think I owe it to myself to do this next IVF cycle to find out if the egg issue stays consistent...it really hurt at first - I felt like I was being told I had been tricked or something - Jon assures me that's not what he was meaning - I guess he knows, he has been seeing the guy for the last 3 months...
I feel like we should stay the course and go ahead with our cycle, but that I should make that 2nd opinion appt for January, and maybe another appt w/my current doc before my next cycle starts to revisit our strategy...I just feel so confused and lonely.
I just want to know one way or another whether or not my body will work...I just want to get on with my life and closer to my baby.
working hard for the weekend!!!
Jon's sis went home on Wednesday and is on bedrest. It looks like everything will be fine for her and the baby from here on out, so that is good news.
I am really thinking about making another appt with my RE - I want to talk to her about the potential quality issues again before we start. I just feel like I'll do better if we are 100% sure what we are up against.
It's a month today since our negative beta...our next ER is one month from today...life feels like such a rollercoaster these days. I talked to my sister and finally told her what is going on with us. I feel so much better now that I have talked with her...she and her DH are staying w/us over thanksgiving and we'll be starting stims while they are here, so they were going to find out anyway. She said they are here for us and will do anything they can to help - even if she has to have the baby herself - that's not the issue of course, but it was nice to have her support. She told me I am her best friend. That was so nice to hear. I hope this next cycle works out and we have the best Christmas ever, but whatever happens, the ride will be alot smoother now with my sister along.
Today's post should be titled - "Let's try this again..."
Our "drugs" for the next cycle arrived in the mail today AND I finally got the courage to make another appt with the RE to talk about my upcoming cycle and the potential issues - I am hoping Jon will be able to go!
As someone who is also struggling with infertility and these kind of decisions, I just wanted to say something about the donor option...
I agree its definitely not something to rush into, but it is an option and you shouldn't feel bad or ashamed to consider it or to do it if it's what you and your DH decide to do together after you exhaust the possibility of working around this problem.
We've considered donor from both sides now, first, thinking DH had the biggest issue, and now with me being faced with a potential egg quality problem as well...and it is hard, but it's something we (after alot of time and many long discussions) are seriously considering - we look at it this way - any child we get out of this process - biologically ours or through adoption or 1/2 and 1/2 via donor- is a child we wouldn't have had if we were not in this together...and in that way it will be "OURS" and ours alone.
Just being willing to go through this process together with open minds and hearts is a testament to the love you share - no matter where your baby ultimately comes from.
I am pulling for you sweetie.
This is something I shared with someone on the TTC board - I was proud of it, and it somes up how I aspire to feel 100% of the time.
OK, so I can feel the stress building as I head into this next cycle - the last couple of days have been really hard.
Yesterday at work, I shared the work I had done on a group project with the people I was working with and they picked it apart. I had put alot into it and was very proud of it - and of course - I am emotional right now, so I took it very personally and told them how they were making me feel.
Then today, there was a big meeting for a specialty group that I should be a part of since the topic was like 80% of my entire workload, and I somehow got left off of the invite list. I really let the 2 people I work for have it.
I am sure everyone probably thinks I am going off the deep end - it was just a really lousy couple of days.
I am so glad Jon and I are headed out of town after the Dr.'s appt tomorrow. I really hope she helps me feel better about this next cycle. Right now I feel ready to climb the walls.
Hopefully everything will seem better when I get back to work on Monday. Right now I just feel like hiding...I'm so tired of feeling so emotional and self conscious.
So, quite a while has gone by since I last posted. We started Lupron again on Sunday! YAY! My birthday is tomorrow and I'll be 30! BOO!
This past weekend, Jon took me on a weekend getaway to the Hill Country for my birthday - it was wonderful - we ate and drank whatever we wanted and on Saturday I shopped my little brains out for jewelry and holiday treats and we did a wine tasting. We also went to Luckenbach and had a beer there - something I had never done before and a good thing to cross off the list before I turn 30. The b&b we stayed at was called the Enchanted Chateau and it was absolutely wonderful - I hope we go there again someday....it was so nice to have some time just the 2 of us to vegetate w/o having anything to do or any place to be but together. I had as much fun as I have had in a long time. I love Jon sooo much and I am so glad we were able to have a good time and not fret about what is going on in our everyday lives for a while. It was fun to just be us again!!
One thing did happen that I was not too psyched about - Jon also got a call this weekend to start playing in a band again - I am apprehensive about it - he gave up playing to focus on getting pregnant and we aren't pregnant yet!!! I was honest with him and told him more than anything I am jealous that there is something that can (at least in some ways) fill this void for him and for me there just isn't...he understands, but he'll be playing with his cousins so it is family and he promises to keep it minimal at least through the end of the cycle and we'll re-evaluate once we know the results of the cycle. I am nervous bc I need him here to help me during the cycle and he is TERRIBLE about being on time when music is involved and it makes me SO angry under normal circumstances, but right now, being late is just not an option...PS - he is later getting home than he said he would be AS I TYPE - and this is their first "practice" - I am stamping my foot angrily.
We did have a great doctor's appt on Friday. So I guess at least that is something to be excited about.Jon left feeling really optimistic and he's my barometer, so I am trying to be optimistic too.
I had her go over everything with me about all of my previous tests and she told me that there is alot more evidence that I am fine (all my tests, hormone levels etc, etc) than there is that I am not fine (that one batch of bad eggs), so lets just give it this try and see what happens. It really could have just been a bad month. She also answered our questions about our other options should this not work, so that was good.
She did tell us that she does think we have a good shot this time though and that she does tell people at least a couple of times a week that they have no shot (that must be the hardest part of her job), so she is not trying to falsely pump us up.
AF has officially arrived and our baseline is scheduled for next Wednesday at 7:30 am...
Today one of the girls in my office saw the flowers DH sent for my bday and wished me a happy birthday - she is 31 and had a little boy last year right before she turned 30 and when my officemate told her how old I was, she told me, "well, at least your not fat and miserable like I was on my 30th...I was sitting at home crying bc I had just had a baby and all I was thinking about was how I was fat and old and I couldn't go to NYC for my birthday like I wanted to bc I had just had a baby..." She has no idea, and was trying to make me feel better about the big 3-0, but I so wanted to tell her that I would kill to be right now where she was one year ago...sigh...I so wanted to be a mom by now - I almost cried a little while later, but luckily I was so busy I was able to put it out of my mind and now I am ok.
Today I woke up a little sad, but my birthday lunch actually went ok. The family talked more openly about my IVF stuff than they ever have - I think it helped that they watched that special I told them about on the news - there was still some stuff that got on my nerves, but I know we are taking "babysteps" (pardon the pun)...when my dessert came and I had to blow out the candle, MIL said after - "I am sure I know what you wished for...we are all wishing the same thing." It was nice - uncomfortable w/prego SIL right across the table - but still nice. She was actually pretty darned nice (for her) today. She actually cringed when we were talking about some of the IVF stuff - that made Jon feel better - like she knows its serious - being her little brother, he usually feels like she discounts whatevers going on with him, always thinking of him as her "silly little brother"...
I am relieved it went well.
Afterward, we basically ran errands ALL day. I bought most of my outfit for my holiday party at work - VERY depressed about the size of it. I know the hormones do messed up things to my weight and I can't exercise much, but after I lost all that weight a couple of years ago, I was so happy and it is such a downer being back in all my "fat" clothes.
Oh well, this too shall pass I guess...hopefully this cycle will end with a BFP and it will ALL have been worth it. Now that my celebrations are over, that is my TRUE birthday wish.
Tomorrow is my baseline - eek! I am going to ask my lil sis to go with me!
Baseline went great on Wednesday so we started stims as planned!! YAY! I'll have a u/s on Monday to see how things are progressing...I've tried to take a few days away and not think too much about everything, but today was a tough day.
I've been having night-sweats and nightmares the last few nights, but last night the nightmares were actually about the IVF stuff and I have just been melancholy and worn-out all day. My mom's birthday is tomorrow and I miss her really badly...plus we got together for our nieces 4th bday party after church...after cake, all the ladies got together around the table talking to SIL about pregnancy, kids, etc. I just stayed in the living room w/my niece and Jon bc I didn't feel like I belonged in the other room. Twice while we were playing, my niece asked me why I am sad - I tried to blow her off the first time, but she kept insisting - it just broke my heart. Then when we were leaving, MIL kept trying to coax us to take cake, cookies, pie, etc., home w/us. Finally after telling her "no" and having her insist several times, I burst into tears and said - "All the stuff I am taking is making me big enough already - I don't NEED to eat any of this stuff!" Luckily we were on our way out the door so she just said to hang in there as we walked out...I know they don't know how to handle us, but I wish they would just take no for an answer sometimes. I came home, put on my pj's, and lined up for my shots. The weekend had been pretty good up until today. I guess all the nightmares and everything just took their toll. At last, tomorrow we have a day w/no agenda. Hopefully Jon and I can just hang out and connect w/each other and have a good day before we head back to work on Monday.
Today was follie scan 1 - it went great! I got to have my appt with the doctor, so I got to talk to her about my concerns, that the eggs were left in too long last time, does Jon need another semen cryo, etc, etc. It was really good. She told me everything looks great!
I am also starting to retain fluid. I can see it tonight on my hands and feet....oh well, only one more week of medicine - I can make it!!
Yesterday I went shopping with my mil and had a long talk with her - it was really nice. We talked about Jon's relationship with his sis and she totally validated alot of the feelings we've been having about how we have made the extra effort with her and she has not been holding up her end of the relationship. It made me (and Jon when I told him about it) feel alot better. We also talked about treatment and how I'm feeling/what I'm going through, as well as some of her problems and just silly stuff. She bought Jon a little train Christmas ornament I saw in the store to cheer him up - it was sweet. It was a good day.
Wow - I can't believe I have gone so long w/o writing during the cycle - I have been really swollen...I think I have about the same amount of follies as I had last time, but the good news is we got that Sunday appt and now everything is pushed up to Tuesday instead of Wednesday - one less "what-if" to worry about!
I feel kind of sick and really tired - I guess it's all the medicine...I am hopeful but nervous - trying to focus on this going great!
I am going to do Christmas cards while on bed rest and today Jon and I went and shopped for a needy child we "adopted" through his work for Christmas...we got a 3 month old boy and we had sooo much fun buying all kinds of baby clothes and toys for him! I hope he has a great Christmas. When I was young and my mom was sick, her office pulled together and gave us a Christmas we wouldn't have had otherwise - I always remember that and the wonderful surprises my brother put together when mom was ill - they make me want to do something special for as many people as I can every holiday season bc I know what its like to be a sad kid at Christmas and to wonder if things could be any worse and just kind of be waiting for the next terrible thing to happen to those you love and I know how frustrating it was for my parents that they didn't even have their health to give us the gift of a sense of security that they would be there next year. It means alot to me to give parents the relief of seeing their child smile and have the food and clothing they need to get through and to see parents smile bc their child is happy like every child should be, and having fun and not at all scared or sad, even if it is just for a while.
Jon always likes to give money to the Salvation Army every time we see them bc his grandfather grew up in one of their orphanages - how ironic that his grandfather was orphaned and my brother was adopted and here we are struggling just to have a baby. I hope this holiday is the best Christmas ever bc we are able to find out it is the last one that we spend just the two of us...
kind of an incoherent rambling, but if you read this, please send us your thoughts and prayers for healthy eggs and good fertilization on Tuesday!
So here we go - tomorrow is retrieval day! Today was a heck of a day at work and when I finally left after a 12 hour day, we tried to have my fave meal, but the restaurant was closed for their company Christmas party, so I wound up with chinese take-out instead...Jon has started the babying of me early and took tomorrow off so he can stay with me all day.
He said earlier that life is about to start getting really good - I wish I could bottle that hopefulness and sell it! He's starting to convince me that he is right.
I love him so much and I know we have a great life together. This child would make us complete as a family, not just a couple, and we have fought SO hard. I want this so much and I just pray it is finally our time. I pray for me to be healthy and produce healthy eggs and for everything to go well and that we end up with our little blessing we so long for.
Thank you to all my IRL and PG.org friends and family. I am truly blessed to have you all in my life - regardless of the outcome of the next few weeks. We never would have come this far without you all.
Let's go make me a mom! And make Jon a dad!
Only 8 this time. Disappointing after all the extra meds.
I am hoping with all my heart that they are 8 perfect little eggs.
I am at home waiting for the fertilization report. Still in pain - I had alot more pain than last time - and a little fever, but not high enough or for long enough to report bac to the doctor....I should prob turn off the computer and lie down for a while - maybe I'll drift off to sleep again instead of just sitting here waiting for "the call".
Please, little eggies, fertilize and grow big and strong for me.
all are of extremely poor quality....
that's how the lab described my eggs in their report.
I could tell the nurse was dreading giving me the news - they waited till late in the day to call - I thought she might cry when I started crying after she said there was just one. She started out by saying " I have your lab results - but they are not good news..." and I just knew that things were exactly the same as last time.
One fertilized again and appears "normal" whatever that means...so we'll transfer it on Friday and I'll find out just before we do the transfer how it is looking.
So we'll hang on and transfer and wait and pray for the next two weeks and hope against hope we get a miracle bfp...if not, we know it's my eggs and the two of us just can't do this with my "stuff".
We'll have to start looking into adoption and/or donor egg options to expand our family
I felt terrible saying this to Jon, but when I got the news, for a moment, I almost wished that none of them had fertilized, then we would just know what it is that's keeping us from getting pregnant, and this part of all of it would just be over...now we will be clinging to this tiny ray of hope for the next two weeks - he told me not to feel bad, that he had thought the same thing when I gave him the news. I was relieved that he wasn't angry at me for having had that thought, and that he understood. I love him more every second...
Now we will put that all aside and focus ALL our energy on this sweet little embie and pray that it IS our miracle baby.
Cross everything and pray for us all.
It was really tough...
We went in and found out our little guy (codename Lefty) is a grade 3.
Jon looked like he had been hit with a shovel - for a minute he looked like he wondered why we were even there (he's just so tired of going through all of this, bless him!), but we have to give the little guy a chance!
I started to cry. The dr. gave us a few minutes to get it together - I explained to the nurse part of why it's all so hard is that Jon's sis had her baby yesterday...her response was "Oh, I am so sorry" which made me laugh a little - you don't usually get that response - anyway, I explained it was just making everything a little harder for both of us.
The transfer was painful - my bladder was too full - after they poked around in me forever they had me go empty it a little - that wasn't humiliating at all...(While I was gone, Jon shared about his sis with the doc and she was really sweet to him, telling him that she knows its so hard bc he wants to be happy for his sis, yet he really deserves the same happiness, too...that was nice)
I came back and they still had to use those little clamp thingies (the sight of which almost made Jon pass out last time) to pull my cervix straight and get the catheter in...she put it in and handed the thing back to the embryologist who said, "it's still in there" and we had to start all over bc the little toot did not get out of the container and into its mom like it was supposed to - this time she put in a tube and pressed against my vaginal wall to get the catheter in...my cervix was troublesome last time, but this took the cake! At one point I asked, "how many things can you put IN THERE!?!"
Anyway, it's over now. We just have to hope and pray lefty hangs in there. I know it's a long shot, but its the only one I've got. When the doctor just looks at you and smiles that sad, sympathetic smile and says "we'll just see what happens, and then we'll go from there." and pats you on the arm - it's not good.
I'll write more later, but right now, I am just tired.
Hugs to everyone. Thanks for reading.
We think about our little guy and talk to him and pray for him nonstop, but I am trying to already understand that he may not be able to stay. For now I am just trying to get ok with that...
Whenever we think about where to go from here, when we look back on where we have been, we are pretty much certain that whatever we choose will go terribly wrong, so I think we are just going to try to take some space for a while should Lefty hang it up and head on home early...
This pretty much sums up how I am feeling today.
I met my new niece today, which was great, and hard all at the same time. Spending time with her one-on-one at my SIL's house was so fun...
Sitting down to dinner with MIL, FIL, SIL and her family of four with the sweet little addition, Jon and his funky sperm and me and my "rotten" eggs - very, very hard.
I love Jon and his family so much, but to know things will probably never be the way we dreamed and hoped for so long is really tough. I know things can (and hopefully will) be very very good, but it won't be the dream we had and it's really hard to start trying to let go of that while at the same time hoping against everything that makes sense that I won't have to.
I still believe in miracles.
Jon is so wonderful - he just "intercommed" me to see when I am coming to bed - he was singing my pet name at me over the phone...
He was getting my evening glass of milk...
It is such a relief to me that we have stayed so strong and in many ways come closer to each other in this journey. For all the bad that we have been through, it has just proven for us how much our love can endure and thrive in.
I am in love and amazed by his capacity to love and care for me and keep the faith and optimism alive in this journey for me the way I try to do for him. We are a real TEAM.
In having him, I am very very lucky, even with so much going wrong....he is something in my life that is wonderfully right. The best husband I could ever hope for.
you really have a lot of faith and I commend you and your husband for that I am really praying for you and that precious little one and I really hope that this is it!!! when do you fing out for sure?
Today I had a long talk with my friend who adopted last year...it made me feel alot better about that option...Jon waffles between that and the donor, I think I will be fine either way - part of me wants to try donor, but I am really gun-shy right now and the idea of a baby in my arms is really nice.
Hopefully Lefty will be sticking around and making all our dreams come true!
It's been a really tough day. I spent the day with my niece (4) making cookies and then when we took her home I stayed with my MIL to watch the baby (10 days old) while her mom and dad ran an errand. I held her and cried the whole time I was at my SILs and pretty much cried the whole rest of the day while running errands with MIL and while she helped me put up my Christmas tree (Jon and his dad were busy working on the train that goes unerneath.)...pretty much all day until just now....
The latest development is that Jon's stuff is getting better as long as he stays on this medicine - he is now IUI suitable according to his doctor, who also thinks there is no way I have an egg problem (even though, IMO, he really has no idea) and wants me to get a second opinion - he thinks my poor IVF performance may be a bad reaction to the medications they use or something...I feel completely jerked around by the medical profession....
All this and a blood-test I am sure I will fail coming up on Friday and then we get to roll right into Christmas.
I just keep praying and hoping that I am wrong and that I will still get my Christmas miracle.
I just wanted to take a minute to offer up hugs and prayers for my sweet little Lefty....
I hope you are in there, baby. I love you. I don't want you to feel like I don't believe in you, because I do. I am just scared because I am afraid to love you too much (like I can really help how much I love you, I can't).
I feel like you may be my last chance to have a baby that is both me and your dad and that thought makes me very sad. I am hoping with all my heart that some day in August I get to hug you and talk to you face to face. It would be the best thing that ever happened to me. I had such a hard time getting you put in, that we didn't even get a picture of where they put you once they finally got you in....I hope that means you are super stubborn and plan on sticking around for many more photo opps.
I just wanted you to know that I love you. I think about you and dream about you all the time and I can't stop crying about you. Your dad loves you too - very very much. Please hang in there and come see us soon and stay forever.
Hopefully it is Lefty giving me the killer heartburn I have right now....could be the sugar cookies I had for breakfast, but hopefully Lefty.
My test is tomorrow at 7:30 am CST...we'll get the results sometime mid-afternoon. This morning, I started out praying, which turned to begging, which turned to a full-on tantrum...hopefully I'll get the best news of my life tomorrow, but I know at this point it would be a TRUE miracle.
This may be one of my last chances to let Lefty know I love him before I know for sure whether he is with me or with God. I love you, baby. I do not want to lose you. Please, please, please stay with me.
Blood was drawn this a.m. Still waiting for THE CALL. I am as prepared as I can be for the worst, but hoping and praying for the best. I love you, Lefty...I really really do. I know eventually everything will be ok no matter what happens, I just really really want today to be the beginning of something wonderful...
I don't know what else to say. I don't know what we'll be doing from here. I have to call next Tuesday to schedule a follow-up to talk with the doctor.
Jon and I are doing ok. It is going to be a very tough Christmas. It has been a really difficult year this year. We'll be moving on to something else in the new year, I just need to grieve the loss of this, and the realization that I will probably not have my own biological child.
I am sure something wonderful waits for us down the road, for now, I am very very tired.
Thank you to all of you for supporting us. I can't say enough about how much you mean to us.
I thought I would handle this better, having been through it once already...I guess this just makes everything so final.
I just hurt all over and I have been crying for hours. I don't know how I am going to enjoy Christmas. I miss Lefty. I feel alone - I wish the other women in my family who know what I am going through would just reach out to me...I need that now. I am so sad.
I know I have Jon and that everything will be ok, but I just don't understand. I just want to be normal and I feel anything but....
wow, given the title of this journal, I guess I am almost finished with it....probably just a couple of followup appts away.
This Christmas, I'll see my adopted brother. Hopefully it will make me feel more ok about adopting. I feel fine about it really, already, I guess I just still miss the children I thought I would "have" and I know I need to get (a little more) over that before I can really move on, but hopefully seeing him will help me feel better.
I'm just so tired, but I want to be sure that I do have this egg problem, so I'll be seeing a second doctor - I almost hope they just confirm it so we can move on to donor or adoption...
my biggest fear is that they will think I am really ok and that they will want me to try something else...I am afraid I'll be "suckered" in and wind up experiencing this misery all over again, just because I am so in love with the idea that it could work and I could really have a baby - my baby and Jon's.
Is it wrong to want something to be final, here? Even if it means I am "broken"...sigh. I just know that if I for sure was, I could move on, but without knowing that, it is really hard to just stop.
Well, I am not even sure what I am saying anymore. I will be back after Christmas. Much love and thanks to everyone who has supported us.
These boards have been a refuge to me these last few months. There are so many here who just mean the world to me. I love you and Merry Christmas.
I talked to my brother about adopting. He thinks it is a good thing. He said he was not trying to be cold to me, but in the end that it just "is what it is", and there is no use dwelling on it when we have the resources and the love to move on to something like adoption. He pointed out that lots of people would love to do it, but some just can't afford to and in that way we are lucky. I know he is right. His only words of caution were for us to take our time and make sure we do everything right without getting into too much of a hurry. I know he's right about that, too.
My sister told me she is still here for us if we decide to do donor instead, but that she fully intends to spoil the child either way...she also told me, as she started to well up..."I just know whatever you do, you are going to be a really awesome mom, because you have already always been one..." (meaning for her. our mom got really sick when she was about 5 and passed away just after her 11th bday, so I have "mothered" her most of her life) I thought that was really sweet.
I am taking some time now to heal myself and trying to catch up to Jon - who is really ready to move on to adoption, I think. I know with time, we'll get to our child, however it is meant to happen.