I am in the position you are worrying about right now, and I am struggling with it, but there are options - we are looking at adoption and donor eggs and have appts to talk w/my doctor and will also get a second opinion.
Miracles are pretty much out of the question for me, too, given that my eggs are so poor I can barely get one egg to fertilize in an IVF cycle, and none of them have done well enough to attach - but, I guess that is what would make it a miracle....
It's tough, and you are right the disappointment of the failure is worse than any of the shots. I am still here, though. And I still have a wonderful husband who loves me and who talks with me about how I am feeling and what we are going through as much as I want.
We have resolved to be parents by the end of 2007, or at least know the baby is on the way by then, somehow - it's hard to let go of the dream of having my own biological child, and it hurts to know that no matter how much I want to do this for my husband, I just can't, but I don't have to let go of the dream of being a mom, and he is as excited as ever about being a dad.
There are alot of things that still really hurt about this journey of ours pretty much every single day, but I know it isn't over...I told my DH the other day, we need to rededicate ourselves to understanding (and appreciating) just what a happy family we are together (just the 2 of us) and to work on becoming the kind of place a baby would want to be...I think it will help us alot in the adoption process to get into that new attitude, and it will help us get psyched for doing donor if that's what we decide...
That being said, your chances of success are so much better with IVF than the chances you have had before it. Try to focus on that and hang on to all the good thoughts and prayers everyone is sending your way!
If you need to talk, pm me. I wish you the best!
This is a post I put up on the IVF board, it pretty much sums up how I am feeling about the new year. I hope it is truly our year at last.
MIL is having everyone over for lunch, but I am just not up to seeing SIL's kids...that tiny little baby just makes my heart feel sliced wide open...DH understands, and I don't think he is up to it either....it's not their fault and we are so happy for them, honestly, but it just hurts too much right now, so I think we will just spend a quiet day at home.
Thinking of Punkin and Lefty today. From the looks of things on the June 2007 board, I would be finding out whether punkin was a boy or girl right about now....I thought both of them were boys at the time, but in my memory, they are just my babies and I miss them. I know they never "stuck", but they were real and in my heart and in my body and I love them.
I don't know why I am struggling so much with the adoption v. donor decision...I know the heartache there would be if the donor didn't work either or if something happened during the pregnancy, but adoption has its own set of pitfalls too.
Jon thinks I am afraid to just jump in to adoption because I am a little bit of a control freak and adoption would take so many of the decisions and the timing totally out of my hands - he is probably right about that scaring me a little, but so far, calling all the shots hasn't been going so well, so maybe its the right thing to do.
Then, donor would allow me to experience pregnancy and give Jon his own biological child...something I've dreamed of doing for him for a long time...
I guess it just takes time to make such a difficult decision. They are both wonderful choices. I just wish it wasn't so hard to be sure, but I don't want to do anything until I am.
the doctor thinks we really shouldn't do IVF anymore, and she welcomes the idea of us getting a second opinion and will do whatever she can to help facilitate that.
Jon really doesn't feel like he needs one at this point. She answered all of the questions we had. My day 3 FSH was only 6.3, so there was really no early indicator of the quality problem...what we went through was the only way to find out for sure.
She said we could still wind up pregnant one day, just that IVF really isn't doing anything to improve the odds over what we could do to get there on our own. She was really sorry.
Looks like we'll be on to donor or adoption - the financial people at the docs' office said that my new insurance is "kick-butt" so they are looking into how much of the donor process would be covered for me (wouldn't that be wonderful!!!) so we can have an idea of how much donor would cost us to help us weigh our options and they are going to call me to let me know.
I won't get my hopes up bc they said "donor coverage" is rare, but does exist and if I have it, it would take care of everything if I use a known donor - wouldn't that rock?!
They said even if I don't have donor coverage, we may be able to get them to cover some of the meds and the transfer and since I wouldn't have to pay an agency fee with a known donor, the cost would be a lot lower than with an anonymous one through an agency.
I am really ok with either donor or adoption at this point, just ready to have all the facts so we can pick a path and get moving!
So it looks like donor would cost us about as much as adoption would after we get the reimbursement credits etc that our employers provide...
We are going to have some serious discussions now that we have all the pieces.
I wasn't counting on the coverage, since they told us its really rare, but it sure would have been nice. At least now we know everything that we were wanting to know before we started making a decision. I know whatever we do will be the right thing.
So, I thought I was really fine either way...then Jon told me that the friend who has really been supporting him the last few months told him today that they are having a baby. They already know it's a girl, so they have been pg for a while, but he didn't tell Jon bc of everything we've been going through...
I got so mad - mad that they kept it from us even though I know why and I understand. I'm mad that they weren't even married yet when we started trying and they are pregnant and not us...mad bc in my mind, we are way more "ready" - I know that's not really something I can judge, but in my upsettedness that's what I feel and mad just because it is happening. I find myself saying "they know what we are going through, how can they do this to us!?" which is stupid bc I know no one got pregnant to spite us. They got pregnant bc they wanted a child...but so do we!!!
I thought my "why me?" days were over...it just made me sad all over again about how I'll probably never be pregnant and I thought I was done with that.
Is it something that you're never really done with?? Do I need to be completely over that to pursue adoption, or is it one of those things that never really goes away...
I know people who've lost a child go on to have others...but they still always love and miss the child that's gone. Isn't this kind of the same thing? I keep thinking that when I'm not sad anymore, we'll adopt...but when will that be - ever? It's not as though I am sad all the time - I just have moments like this; and it's not as if I can't get excited about the prospect of adoption, I do...I just want to know what being ready feels like...
Then Jon says maybe we should do the donor option if I really feel so strongly, but I know in my head that we would potentially be throwing money away (and ALOT of it) if it didn't work. I know the chances are good, but they were good for IVF too and that went nowhere for us.
Oh what a dillema. I think I will make that 2nd opinion appt, just to "shop" the cost of the donor cycle to see if it's cheaper with the other clinic. I know it probably won't change anything, but it gvies me something to do while I continue to heal.
I know things will get better. It's just been a tough day getting the bad news about the insurance and finding out our friends are 1/2 way through a pregnancy in the same day....
I do understand they were trying to help, but the fact that they kept it from us REALLY hurts me...
My brother is adopted, so I know adoption can be wonderful...I really want to experience pregnancy, but there are alot of scary things about that that I could totally do w/o....it's so hard.
Jon's biggest fear is that we do get pg and then something happens and the baby doesn't make it.
After all we've been through, we're not real hung up on biology at all, more the experience of pregnancy, but maybe it's best we just skip to the baby...then when I hear that people I know are pg, I cry bc I know I will prob never experience that and I am back to wanting to do donor all over again.
We're meeting with a pediatrician to talk about adoption this Friday and I have scheduled a 2nd opinion for Wednesday the 24th to talk about my egg issues and the donor option as a potential scenario...I really hope to make a decision by the end of February.
By then over 2 months will have passed since the last failed cycle and I'll hopefully be able to move forward with an open heart and a clear head.
saw a pediatrician yesterday to talk about adoption questions. the appt went really well. I think we now have a pediatrician, even though we don't have a method chosen on how to get to the baby...kinda ass-backwards, but I guess that's me.
Feeling good about adopting, though very scared about the unknown...waiting to see how the donor-geared appt goes...
feeling a little sad for the first time in a while...just wishing I could decide what I want to do.
Jon is ready to go full steam ahead with adoption...I know he is scared of donor bc he is just done with doctors...I get into adoption when I talk about it or move forward on it, but when I think about never being pregnant, part of me still feels sad...I feel a little bit abandoned by Jon that this part of the equation doesn't bother him any more. I know he hasn't abandoned me - he wants me to move forward with him. Most days I know which way I *think* I want to go - then on days like today, I just feel stuck and the only direction I want to go is backwards to the "not knowing".
At least I can't wait for each day to pass bc I do feel better almost every day than I did the day before...that's a nice feeling to have back in my life. I know things will be ok - in the meantime, I had better go get some sleep! (or at least try)
Today is one month since finding out we lost "Lefty". I had a good cry last night, but so far today has been really tough.
I just miss my two little embryos and I think about them from time to time and what I would be experiencing with them if they had made it.
I know I will have a child someday, but I feel it's important to remember them and to recognize how much they meant to me and how much I came to love them.
I just wanted to take a minute to do that. My 2 edd's would have been June 11 and August 29. I miss you both so much. I love you.
Well, I get to have one more thing in common with most of the grads - I get to go in on Friday for the dreaded gestational diabetes test...
First, the doc was great! I can't imagine why anyone would think he wasn't nice. He went through all the bad indications (I'll never be a 15 or 20 egger like alot of girls my age - based on the increased meds in cycle 2 giving the same results) and all of the good (great hormone levels through out my cycles and good day 3) and pointed out potential problem areas...
The big one being he thinks my insulin is too high based on my results even though my 29.5 fasting was just above what the lab considers normal - 27...he said he really likes to see MUCH lower - around 17 to 19. He thinks I am showing signs of being insulin resistant, which 1, would make me a virtual guarantee for GD if I ever did get prego and 2, "could" be impairing my egg's maturation process and contributing to the quality problem...he wants to know more from my doc about what she "saw" in the lab in detail before passing judgement on whether changing the insulin levels in my body could help with the eggs, but the bigger picture is keeping me from developing type 2 diabetes.
So I will go in friday and have the GD Test so he can see what I do and if the results come back like he thinks, I'll go on Metformin to help give my pancreas some help so we can keep it from going kaput. Based on the other info and my body's natural reaction to the metformin, he'll let us know whether or not he thinks we should give IVF another try in a few months to see if the quality is better - he stressed that this is not necessarily the "magic switch" - just a possibility that's worth chasing down before we move on - besides, I need to do it for my health long-term anyway, so we will see what happens!
I took the test on friday - no biggie - like drinking melted popsicles...the girl who drew my blood was SO nice...
I've read some descriptions on the internet of eggs retrieved from women w/PCOS (which met helps) and they sound lots like what happened to me.
Jon says he would never wish for something to be wrong with me, but if it is going to happen, now would be a good time (LOL)!
I am just ready to have our baby with us - however it is going to come.
I called my dr's office to get the rest of my records and the nurse told me more specs from our cycles...it made my babies seem even more real and I miss them now more than ever.
I know we are moving forward and that one day soon, our little sweetheart will come and help heal their mommy's and daddy's hearts.
Got more details last week about my little guys when I saw their lab reports...it made them seem so much more...mine...esp. Punkin - he really had a good chance. I wish he could have stayed.
Sent the info to my new doctor so he can process it along with some info he wanted from Jon's doc and combine that with my latest test results.
We meet with him again on the 19th...I hope it brings us either a resolution or new hope and a new direction. Being "nowhere" is exhausting.
Or maybe that is just bc I am working SO much...LOL!
Monday is the big appt w/the 2nd opinion doctor.
I've been so busy this week and for the last few weeks with work.
On top of it, this week I got really sick and spent the evening at the emergency care center getting an IV and all kinds of drugs. Uggh.
Wow. OK. So, we still need to talk about it tonight, but the doctor believes he sees enough things about our previous cycles that could have been "tweaked", that he thinks it is worth us trying one more time. He wants me to go on Metformin and wait another 6-8 weeks before we start the cycle.
I guess we are going to give it one more try. Jon says he really thinks we should try, since we both like this new doc so much, we should really give him a chance.
He gave us alot of good info and he discussed donor w/us but told us he doesn't feel yet like we are to the point where that is our only option to have a successful IVF.
I just don't know how to feel yet. I thought I would be excited that there is a chance - not really, but I don't feel closed to the idea at all - just kind of like..."mmm. Ok, yeah." YK?
Well, I suppose everyone can tell by my siggie. We are back in the game. One more try. I tell you what, last week was so frustrating...it seemed everyone in the world was on me about having a baby. I try to evade and deflect so I don't hurt THEM, but it makes me look like I don't want kids or something, which couldn't be further from the truth. I had the first big cry I have had in a long time last night - just tired from all of the frustration and the prospect of another 4+ months of waiting to see what is really going to happen.
I am really happy to see some of my friends who have struggled moving forward with pregnancies and adoptions. It is giving me hope and sometning to look forward to.
I just keep praying and hanging in there and loving Jon and he keeps taking great care of me. I guess that is really all we can do.
Hugs to everyone who reads!
Today on his checkup, the doctor told Jon he is considered normal in all areas, except count, where he is amazing - his samples are consistently over 300 million - just 40 million are needed to be considered normal.
So anyway, we are still doing IVF again in a few months because we have since discovered in our first 2 rounds of failed IVF, that I have some egg issues we are working on, but that is at least 2 cycles away...his urologist still thinks the IVF is a good idea and that we have a great new doc, but he encouraged us to try naturally in the meantime and we just might hit it, he told Jon he is "Superman" - he was so pleased! So here's hoping I get a good egg in the next cycle or two and I won't have to do IVF.
I was thrilled for Jon, but also felt a little hurt and he totally picked up on it - when I said I was happy, he said "then why do you sound sad" - I got choked up and said "It just..." and he stopped me and said "I know - you just want to be normal, too....we'll get you there, baby."
He's so great and I love him so much! (on a funny note, he said he guesses he'll have to stop sleeping around now! LOL!)
wow - I can't believe I fell to page 2 - I don't write enough. Not much to report. I am on my full dose of Metformin now. I also am just wrapping up my period, so tomorrow I am temping again! (shock) I never thought I would be doing that again, but now that Jon is a stallion, we decided it's worth a try while we wait to do IVF this summer. I've got to get my FF password and then I'll put my ticker back in my siggy so folks can stalk me again (if you are reading this, you know who you are!!).
Much love to all!
ok - so I hate my thermometer - it doesn't light up like my old one so you can read it in the dark and it takes forever. I hate hate hate it. Trivial I know, but I wanted to vent.
I have to go on a hunt for that old one - I know it's in the house somewhere...
wow - so my temp went WAY down this morning - 4 tenths!!! (I know I need to get it in my chart but I can't remember the @$^%ing password!)...anyway, it's only CD 10, so I CAN"T be Oing already...weird. Ok I promised myself I wouldn't get all into the temping again...I am going to go make desserts for my St. Patty's day party tomorrow instead of thinking about my silly cycle.
St. Patty's is FAR more important than my temp...esp since we already bd'ed anyway (sheepish smile)
whoopsy! Dropped to page 2 again....
What's new since last Friday -
Had my first experience being violently ill au cause du Metformin - NEVER skip a meal on that stuff, ladies! (boo)
I missed my O (boo)
MIL really disappointed DH (not too many details, but lets just say double-boo!)
Went to a friend's baby shower today (Yay? Those things can go either way, but this was fun. She and her sister are due w/in weeks of each other so seeing them together was cute, and I saw some old friends)
Having dinner w/a friend tonight who doesn't know what's going on w/us, so I don't have to be grilled about how we're "holding up" (YAY!)
Jon is out of town overnight for work (Boo!)
So the tally is 1.5 Yay's and 5 Boos
At least the boo's are behind me and the YAY is coming up - I better dash to get ready!
So, I think I'll finally be ovulating today or tomorrow - I put a + OPK in my chart for yesterday - it was "nearly" as dark, but that's as close as I get, so I called it good. I'll take another (the last one I have from my old TTC days) when I get home tonight to see what happens.
At least our timing looks good, so here's hoping!
where O, where has my O gone?
sigh...still not showing up - this will be the latest I have O'ed EVER since charting...
so much for the Metformin working right away. I guess this is why the doc wants me on it for a while before we do anything else.
Gotta dash - my hero just got home with my dinner! YAY!
Jon is such a doll...I didn't have the fortitude to go to a couple's baby shower tonight for some friends, so he flew solo! He says its easier for him, and since the couple (the Hubby and DH go way back) are having a girl it doesn't cut so deep for him (Jon wants a boy so bad it's ridiculous) on the other hand, the baby is due around when we would have been having ours had the first IVF worked, so it's tough for me.
The couple knows what's going on w/us and the hubby totally understood when Jon told him that Lisa was baby-showered out, as I've been to 2 in the last 3 weeks already. I asked him to set up a lunch for the four of us soon so the wife in the couple would see I am totally supportive, just not up for a big crowd...
So here I am hanging out alone, waiting for my sweetie to come home. TGIF! I am going to go see what there is to eat around here.
Sorry if you are used to upbeat, positive me. I am giving in to a little bout of sadness today.
Tough afternoon. We went to our cousin's second birthday party today - SHE IS ADORABLE!!! But the place was crawling with kids..only natural, but it seemed like 2x as many as were at her 1st birthday, which would make sense bc most of the women there were my age with a toddler attending the party and/or an infant in tow...
It was so hard - every room I walked into felt like I was walking into a daycare (seriously, there were kids everywhere!) and I stood in the food line listening to these women in front of me talking with each other about having babies as casually as I would talk about what I'd like to have for breakfast tomorrow...I wanted to dig a hole and crawl in...how come they can do it!? They aren't younger or nicer or smarter or prettier than me - what makes their bodies "better" on the inside than mine??? It just hurt - I realized I was the only woman who is a part of DH's family that hasn't actually given birth! It was great to see our nieces and cousin all in one spot like that, but with all the extra people around and all those kids, Jon and I felt so out of place. I did really good and we stayed till they had cake and ice cream, but as soon as we got in the car I cried...it was just so hard. I'm so glad Jon understands and loves me. It was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time.
Next weekend - Easter - yay, more family time... Hopefully it will be a little easier with just immediate family around, but it's just hard for me - I'm tired of being everyone's favorite aunt. I want to be a mom.
Why, o, why do I continue to temp....
My stinking chart looks pretty good.
Then again, I've always looked "great on paper" through this whole journey.
I am NOT getting my hopes up.
Weather here is COLD!!!! It will not stop me from making Easter Punch (white sangria) for the family get together tomorrow!
Nothing like seeing Grandmother drink! (For some reason old ladies drink that stuff like water - I've had several parties where my friend's grannies got loaded on the stuff - it cracks me up!)
My good deed for the day is that I saw a hit & run in the parking lot at the store today and I got the license plate of the offender and had the store page the car owner and passed the information to them. I would want someone to do that for me.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend!
love ya & Happy Easter!
It looks like I am pretty well out. I see by today's temp AF is on her way. Time to call the RE!
Repeat SHG (boo) is set for Thursday this week. Hopefully all goes well and we'll be able to begin cycling mid-June!
woefully behind on my chart. It has been an awful week and today was especially yucky.
I had my SHG and I hurt like crazy afterward - cried all the way home.
Then I had tons of family drama and work is crazy right now, so I am just hoping to work through it and have things calm down soon!
CD 12...ugh. Why do things always take so long. Talked to my friend today who had triplets w/IVF. It was great hearing about the babies and how well they are all doing. She's a great sounding board, too.
I am really lucky to know people IRL who have been through this.
Now if I could just get through it myself...
I had a big bright beautiful OPK yesterday. That's good! Hopefully it means my cycle will be shorter than last month and I can get bloodwork done for the IVF cycle before we go on vacation - otherwise we'll be postponed a whole 'nother month boo!
Come on eggie - go, go, go!
sad and happy today.
My sister called today to tell me she is pregnant. She was really upset bc she was afraid I would be hurt. She didn't intend the timing as she was trying to stay "open" in the unlikely event we could get around to a donor egg cycle this summer.
I told her I was really happy for her. If I am ever unhappy, that it is not directed at her, I am just frustrated with my own stupid body...I did tell her that the only thing I really won't be good for is listening to her complain about being pregnant...she laughed and said she would remember that.
She was really sweet - just bawling on the phone because she was upset and didn't want me to think that she'd done this in anyway to hurt me on purpose...of course I know that and she does too. I told her to just please calm down and take care of herself.
I told her how relieved I am that she will probably never go through what I am going through...I've spent my whole life protecting her and infertility is something no one can prepare you for or protect you from, so I am really glad for her for that.
I told her that if we decide to do donor, that next summer is not that far away and who knows - I could adopt and have a baby before her - just like I beat her to the altar even though she'd been engaged longer...besides, now we know she has some good quality eggs in there, so I feel more reassured if we do decide to go that route.
I am sad for myself. I can hear how giddy she is in her voice and I wonder if I'll ever feel that way or if I've been smacked so hard so many times that I'll just always be waiting for something to go wrong even if I do wind up pregnant.
She says she thinks maybe we're meant to be prego together. I would like that, but I'm not holding my breath - if that's the case, she should have gotten pregnant two years ago so I could have been spared all this nonsense! haha!
Oh well, I'll just pray she's right. And pray for her little one. I love them both sooo much.
Off to tell Jon the news.
took a test today for the hell of it - it was the last one in the drawer - of course it was negative...
My sis and her hubby will be in for the weekend in a few hours...
I am so happy for them - I am. But just when I thought I couldn't feel more sorry for myself this mother's day...my sister tells me she's pregnant. now I'm the only female on both sides of my family (mine and DH's) who isn't a "mom"...DH told his parents yesterday not to plan on our attendance at any festivities - we are going into self-preservation mode for Sunday.
This sucks. I love my sis so much, and they deserve every bit of their happiness, but so do we! (RIGHT?)
When will our turn ever come?
On top of all this, I am sick...which prob explains better than anything my negative attitude.
I just keep having to tell myself it's going to be ok.
It just has to be some day.
Man, whatever kid is coming my way must be going to be some kind of special little one to be able to heal all of the pain we've been through. I can't wait to meet them!
Back from vacation today - it's been such a whirlwind - I got my period and did bloodwork the morning we left on our trip and started bcps while we were out of town - we go in on Tuesday to get our calendar. I was so overwhelmed with the bad timing, but our nurse really bent over backwards to help keep us from having to wait another month.
Today I go in for my annual pap and I just hope I don't break down when I fill my gyno in on what has taken place over the last year since she referred me to the specialist.
Jon is out of town at a bachelor party so I'll be solo all weekend. I'm going to try to make plans with some friends so I don't sit around and think about Tuesdays appts or how behind I will be when I get back to work after being out on vacay for so long.
I also need to call my sister and find out how her first u/s went. She didn't call and leave a msg, but she knew we were out of town, so I'm not too surprised, but I just want to check on her and make sure all is well. She is the kind who definitely would call if something was wrong, so I'm sure things are fine, but I just want to check.
Doc yesterday was hard. I cried pretty much all day off and on leading up to it. I was just so dreading facing her one year later after she sent me to the RE - still empty-handed or empty-wombed, I guess. I couldn't help it. It's just hard...it was hard even talking to the doctor - she could tell I was obviously sad and talked to me about it before even doing the exam. She says she's going to stay optimistic and that she hopes Randy (she knows my RE) gets me knocked up and that she sees me soon. She said she can take care of me for anything triplets or less - she has 'dibs' - she said "I was here first" while she did my pap.
I only saw her briefly after waiting FOREVER in my lil gown - I nearly walked out and asked if someone was going to take a look-see before I went in to menopause (not that it would matter)...luckily she was alone - sometimes she has trainees w/her, but not yesterday. She said everything looked fine and got me a copy of last year's pap results since they need one on file for my IVF.
When I left, I got to my car fully prepared to get in and have the little fit I'd held in and realized I left my keys upstairs and had to go back for them - UGH. I did and slipped on my sunglasses as I got in my car and cried a little on the way home. Then I went out w/my 2 best gf's since Jon is out of town and that cheered me up alot. I guess I just feel so anxious about starting again.
Jon's with his friends this weekend - they all know - he told them what a little trooper I've been and how lucky he is to be going through this with me - "Lucky???" I said..."Well, that it's with you.." he replied. I love him so much.
So today, I guess I'll call my sis and then look for something to do - prob hang out w/my girls some more - they both said they have no plans...maybe they'll come over or something...
Today was a MUCH better day - I think the combo of the pap and getting back from vacation, along with realizing that what could be our last cycle starts NOW just got to me yesterday. Today I was tear-free!! That's more like me!
I had lunch and a margarita with friends and picked up stuff and started working on a nice meal for Jon for when he gets home tomorrow to surprise him for his b-day.
I hope he likes it!
so far so good on shots...I've even done 2 myself this cycle.
Today was our last BCP and our first u/s is a week from today. My friends at work talked to me alot about what we're going through over lunch today - it was nice to have people interested in how I'm feeling...
Now if I could only find more info on my protocol...
Tomorrow is our baseline u/s - I am so ready to get the official green light on our cycle. I am ready to feel like things are moving again and have something to be excited about!
We got asked by the waitress at Denny's when we are having kids - I am not kidding - my heart has sunk to a new low! We go there every week or two for breakfast on Sunday and always sit w/the same waitress waiting on us and SHE asked us this weekend. (Ouch) I know she meant well - we were able to smile and just say we were working on it! Poor Jon got the 'get with it man' teasing.
Then my MIL and FIL came over to check on us which was great, I'm glad they've started making the effort to see how we are, but everytime my MIL tries to give me a pep talk it just comes out wrong or I take something the wrong way - maybe if she didn't chase down the "I know there's a baby out there for you..." (what if it's 'in there'? we are still doing IVF!!!!) or the "I just hope you have at least one someday" (no $h!t lady, me too) with a glowing report about the grandchildren she DOES have - I wouldn't feel so woefully inadequate...it's like she doesn't acknowledge how unfair this all is or how much it hurts us - I know she does - it's just that in the instant it doesn't feel like it by the fact that she expects us to listen to the silly things the older one did or that the younger one did something for the first time today and she expects us to just be all happy and 'oh that's cute!' and not feel like its all salt in the wound. I know I'm stupid and she doesn't mean anything by it, I didn't say a thing - it just hurts me, as stupid as it is, and I have to get it out to somewhere, so here it goes. If she ever sees this, I hope she forgives me.
I love my nieces, but it hurts to be around the whole family who is so happy together and look at Jon and know that everyone else is whole no matter what happens to us, they may be sad for us, sure, but they have their own children and grandchildren and other nieces, nephews, cousins, etc.
I never feel more alone than I do when we are all together - when its just he and I is when it's best bc we understand each other and have the same goal and we 'get' how we are feeling and don't have to pretend to spare anyone our pain. I know we can't block out the world, but some days it just feels better when we do.
I love all my friends and family dearly and I do have some who I am very lucky to be abe to share everything with (you know who you are!). I know when we finally get wherever we are going that things will get better for everyone. I hope and pray that day will be soon.
I just want my baby.
wow - I was a real downer earlier today....
I think that I'm just anxious for tomorrow!
Shots done myself tally is now up to 4...my hubby seems to be taking the weekends off - lol!
No root canal and some great news from some dear friends so today turned out to be a great day!!!
We start stims in the morning and I am excited to get going.
Progress Scan #1 today - they didn't share much with me except that everything looked good and the nurse said I am responding "better than most" which IS encouraging - maybe splitting the follistim is working! My lining was an 8 already - I gathered that from the peak I was able to sneak and I think from what I read that there are at least 10 follicles on each ovary, but I wasn't able to get sizes or anything at this point.
We started the microdose ovidrel tonight, so things are moving right along.
Jon did so well yesterday at father's day. I was pretty proud of him. I told him that I hoped that this was the last fathers and mothers day where we wouldn't have a little one of our own. He (of course) agreed.
I had a little meltdown on father's day bc my boobs are too big and my bra was hurting me, so after our family gathering, my poor DH spent the afternoon at the mall w/me as I shopped for bras - I promised him next father's day would be much better.
I'll let you guys know how the Wednesday appt goes - my Dr. is supposed to be coming, so it will be nice to get his take on how things are progressing!
Praying for so many of my dear friends. I hope you read this and know you are loved.
I am responding well, but I always "seem" to respond well...until they get the eggs out and they are awful...
I know the things we are doing differrently are meant to help the quality, but its so discouraging to feel like everything is business as usual w/my body in the meantime.
I talked to my doc yesterday and I hoped it would help me feel encouraged, but it just didn't...no fault of his, of course, and I am sure as my fat file loomed on his desk his focus was on manageing my expectations. He is a great doctor and I love him to pieces - I just keep wishing a doctor would be able to tell me "this is going to work" and I know none of them can do that...sigh.
He told me to assume that I am on schedule for a Wednesday ER, but that it might not be until Thursday or Friday! That means an extra day or 2 of stims which was a little upsetting to me - silly I know, but I'm just ready to be at the ER and find out what's going to happen already.
Friday looked good - they saw almost 20 follicles in total, so it looks like we are prob on time for Wednesday. I'll know more after my appt on Monday AM...
I hope and pray that everything goes well. I've been working my buns off all weekend trying to get things taken care of at work so I won't fall behind while I am out for the retrieval - hopefully it only keeps me down for one day!
ER is set for Thursday!
We have 24 follicles in all....hoping for the best.
I'll be working my butt off in the meantime getting ready to be MIA Thursday and a few days the following week for bedrest.
we did our trigger last night!!! In 24 hours I'll be at the IVF lab getting ready to go under. I don't feel much right now about it though, not super nervous or excited...I guess bc I BTDT...
Hopefully I'll have something to be excited about AFTER the retrieval!!!!
Ok, so tomorrow's the day! Jon and I are trying to relax - though some mix up with a dentist's appt for Jon that wound up getting cancelled really got under my skin tonight - I am trying to let it go and relax. I still may call and give them a piece of my mind in the morning!!
I really don't know how to feel about tomorrow. I'm just kind of ready to be on the other side of it...I'm hoping it goes well, but I'm jus anxious to know either way.
We went for ice cream tonight - thought it would be good for me to be full since I can't eat or drink after midnight.
I'm so grateful to all my friends and family who are thinking of us and wishing us well. I hope this time we are able to deliver (figuratively and literally)...
I have been really touched by the women at PG.org who at one point or another were on this journey with me and have since been able to realize their dreams of motherhood or impending motherhood that have still come back to offer their support or to tell me how much I helped them when they were struggling - it means more to me than anyone will ever know.
Love to each of you and thank you.
Wow - so we are on cloud 9 - of the 26 eggs retrieved, they did ICSI on 19 of them and 12 fertilized! We were stunned.
I jumped up and down w/joy (not very bright the day after an ER - don't try it!)
The retrieval went so well - apparently I was pretty funny under the meds - I talked smack to the doc about how he had told me he would be happy if he got 15 eggs - he laughed and said he must be even better than he thought he was! I am crazy about him...when I asked if this meant 4th of July in bed instead of at my in-laws, he patted my hand and said he could arrange a doctor's note for that!
Jon pampered me all day - even though I slept through most of it, and JB, my kitty, stayed in bed w/me the entire day - he always sticks by my side when I am under the weather!
We've had such a great day - I hardly got a thing done all day, so I'll be working this weekend to make sure I can have some peaceful days of rest post-transfer...I just keep hoping and praying for my precious little dozen (I can't believe I can even say that!)
Love to everyone - hopefully I'll comoe back later and add more details! Jon is hollering for me to come lay down and watch TV w/him - how can a gal refuse!?! I think there's cookies and milk up there, too!
ok, so I am 3 progesterone shots down - only about 67 (hopefully) more to go!
I'm wishing I could check on my lttle embryos and find out how many there are left and how they are all doing...I know it's best to just let them do their thing until Tuesday, but it's SO DARN HARD to....ummm...what's the word....oh yeah - CONCENTRATE...
I wish life had a fast-forward button today. I just keep hoping and praying that things go well.
Everyone's cautiously excited for us who knows...tonight we are having dinner with the in-laws.
Grow little embies, grow big and strong!!!
OK, so dinner was fine, but the in-laws totally whimped out about giving me my prog. shots while Jon is out of town...before it became a reality, we talked about the possibility (his dad used to give himself allergy shots all the time) and they said, "No problem!"...now they are totally backing out and saying well, we can, but it would really be better if you could find a nurse or...
HELLLOOOO!!??!! Do you want a grandchild or NOT?
I was so angry after we got in the car and I thought about it for a minute. Then I said to Jon - if this was your sister, your mom would do it in an instant - he said, Oh, you should have said something to me - I would have gone there...
I didn't say it bc after the big anniversary fiasco a year ago, I'm still kinda at odds w/his mom and sis over some of the favorites-playing that goes on and I think if I had voiced that opinion it would have created a whole bunch of family drama that I don't need.
We have a couple of resources, we'll call on them - I didn't mean to inconvenience anyone else in my actual family with my infertility...(can you tell I'm still a little irritated...)
OOH, I hate going to bed angry, so I'll take a minute to say hi to my lil embies!
'Hi over there, in the lab across town...dad and I are thinking of you, loving you already and hoping you are all growing big and strong...you've given me sweet dreams for the last few nights. I can't wait to be with you again!'
Sorry if that's totally cheesy, but this is a good place to type it out and make sure my thoughts get out there into the universe.
Jon and I are so grateful for our good fortune this time around. I hope and pray that what's meant to be is for it only to continue.
big hugs to everyone who's been reaching out to me, whether its those I interact with all the time on the boards or girls who are simply following my journal - your pm's and posts mean the world to me!!!
The doc came in this morning w/pix of 4 embryos. He said of those 4 total that the best 3 were leading the pack and that the best 2 were better than the third. He's not sure if the 4th will make it to freeze or not
He said normally they would transfer 2 for someone my age, but he was thinking given my history to go ahead and to the best 3...he said a bunch of stuff about the quality of the embies and chances of triplets and all that, but it all seems like a blur...I felt so unsure about what to do and we had to decide so fast - i was just so scared to do 3 - in the end we did the best 2.
I kept having second thoughts that maybe we should have done all three but the doctor was so great - he said that the 2 we put in are better than the one we didn't so if it keeps growing, hopefully that means the 2 we put in are doing the same - if it arrests, then it wouldn't have mattered if we had transferred it anyway bc it wasn't viable. He said if i felt that little jump in my heart at the idea of doing 3, it was probably the right thing. I told him I wasjust scared and didn't know what to do.
So in the end we put back 2 and we may have 1 or 2 to freeze depending on how the little guys do.
I just hope I said I didn't want to do three for the right reasons and not bc I was worried about what people would say if I did wind up pg with triplets or if something went wrong - does that sound stupid?? Also I think I may be feeling guilty that I left him there instead of puting him in or just stressed that I didn't just say ok to what the doctor suggested so now things won't go well.
So, I'm trying to relax and just think good thoughts for the 2 we did put in. The doctor said there were cell irregularities and that the arrest rate that they observed as they watched from fertilization to today indicate I do have significant egg quality issues after all (so unfair).
He said my blasts weren't the prettiest or most perfect, but they weren't bad either and he's certainly seen women w/similar blasts go on to have healthy pregnancies. They look beautiful to me. Jon is going to upload the picture we got later.
SOO...that's what we're hoping for - a healthy pregnancy. I am scheduling my beta for a week from Friday.
Keep praying and sending out any good vibes you have. I'm just going to try to relax and think good thoughts for my little ones.
This IS the best chance we've ever had after all!