Kate's TTC #2 Baby Story ( after preemie using IUI/gonal-F)
Wow - been looking all over trying to find an online journal to start writing some of this down. Exhausting.
Well we decided last December to start this process all over again. We tried for 6 years before we had Jack. We had 2 m/c before him and he was IUI #5 on clomid. The pregnancy was really rough and I was sick constantly. Around 21 weeks I got better and started enjoying being pregnant. Around 22 weeks I started getting what I thought was really bad heartburn. 3 weeks later they admitted me into the hospital with pre-eclampsia after I thought I just had the stomach flu. I had pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome and was getting really sick. They took Jack on 26 weeks and 0 days by emergency mid-line c-section. He was 1 lb and 7 oz. He has had a really rough road these 22 months but is such a little trooper. He is doing really well.
We started off naturally this time for about 7 months with just herbs and diet - nothing seemed to work. I started accupuncture at 8 months of ttc and then went back to the RE at 7 months to start the IUI process again. They decided to put me on gonal-f injections for 14 days pre O this time instead of clomid. They thought it would be better since I am at risk for pre-eclampsia again - it gave me really bad head aches too.
The first cycle was really promising. I ovulated on day 14 and had my procedure then. I took the ovadrel shot the day before and then 3 days after. I could have sworn that I conceived instantly! I felt pregnant within days and was so confident that I tested 5 days early which I NEVER do. The test was *barely* positive - I called the dr and they told me to come in the next day. The next day I tested at home again and there was nothing. The bloodtest at the dr office was 'inconclusive' and too early to tell. The very next day on day 26 I had the worst period I have had in years, 2 days early than normal. Not sure what happened there - either a chemical pregnancy or just the ovadrel with a false positive. Very disappointing and physically rough.
This cycle is very different. The follicle was very slow to develop so they pumped up my dose of gonal-f to 150 for a week before ovulation. Then they thought I would go on day 15, but on day 14 after bloods and an us they found that I was ovulating then and called me and dh in for the procedure right away. That was crazy getting babysitting and bill home from work within like an hour. We had the procedure and then I had accupuncture right after. Things have felt normal and there have been very little signs or symptoms this cycle.
I went and had accupuncture again a week after. On Sat - 8dpo I was exhausted and freezing but my skin was hot - kind of shivery, like I was getting sick. I took a little nap. When I woke up I had the worst non-period pain and cramping I had ever had ( not during a miscarriage). I could have sworn I would havd started my period right then and there or at least spotted - but I didn't. The pain went away after about an hour. On Sunday and Monday I noticed my boobs a *little* fuller and maybe slightly more sensitive than usual. Other than that - no real signs.
Today 11 dpo - a little crampy, boobs a little sore, very foggy and anxious, a little bit of a frantic and unsetteled feeling all day. Looking forward to knowing what is up come Friday. Still uncertain if I should go and test on Thursday which is 13 dpo or Friday 14 dpo. If I wait until Friday which is what I usually do - then the doc won't see me until Monday. That means I have to wait until Monday to go on the prometrium and the Lovenox (m/c prevention shots) until then. Might be hard for me to go the whole weekend knowing that I don't have any m/c prevention support. But also if I test on Thurs and it is negative - then I have to try again on Fri too. I am not sure on this. Kinda waiting for prompting from the Lord and my body to tell me what is best and what will drive me the least crazy. Yes, this process is driving me quite crazy.
I am finding a lot that takes things off of my mind though. I have a new rekindled interest in Reiki and Yoga which really helps and makes my body feel so much better. Jack is so much fun to play with at this stage and I love his companionship. Work has been unbelieveably nutty this cycle with the double time and Annual Report - so that has killed time well. But at night and early in the am I do find myself speculating about things I can do nothing about and still fretting and getting myself anxious about them. Would love to be in full surrender always and just let this happen as it does. I have really good times of being able to do this well - then I have really bad times too.
I just keep thinking of the day that I am like 30-35 weeks pregnant with #2 and still feeling good and having fun with Jack and being so thankful that I will NEVER have to be on this fertility roller coaster again. I just can't wait to have 2 happy healthy children to love and raise and then I never want to think about this process again. If the Lord blesses me naturally with #3 so be it! If He prompts me to adopt #3 - so be it also! But no more ttc. Just 2 wonderful happy healthy children. That is really all I have ever wanted out of life - along with a loving husband, of course!
This journal has already been theraputic. I have found lately that no one truly understands - even on the message groups to how hard it is ttc with fertility treatments/drugs with a job and a preemie at home. And I have told very few friends and family because I just don't want to hear the negative things that they have to say, considering all I went through with Jack. I need this to be a private experience - but I also need to VENT!!!
Ahhh, I am thankful to the Lord for finding me this little spot to do so. I will try to check in tomorrow 12 dpo with and update. It will be hard - we have early morning cleaning and then speech therapy for Jack then I take him to the hospital for OT feeding therapy and then home for OT therapy and evaluation. Very busy day - but my mind will be off of things - so that is good too.
Love and blessings!
Things I need to remember
Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
Lord, may I not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
Because it is in giving that we recieve,
in pardoning that we are pardoned.
Prayer is not asking. Prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God, at his disposition, and listening to his voice in the depths of our hearts. Mother Teresa
The Final Analysis - Mother Teresa
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
- forgive them anyway!
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
- be kind anyway!
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
- succeed anyway!
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
- be honest and frank anyway!
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
- build anyway!
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
- be happy anyway!
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
- do good anyway!
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
- give the world the best you've got anyway!
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
- it was never between you and them anyway.
Just for today, do not anger.
Just for today, do not worry.
We shall count our blessings and honor our fathers ans mothers, our teachers and neighbors and honor our food.
Make an honest living.
Be kind to everything that has life.
Update on cycle #2 - start of cycle #3?
Well cycle #2 didn't end the way I would have liked. I had tons of pregnancy signs and symptoms on Tuesday and Wednesday. I was dizzy and mentally spacy and my boobs were so swollen and hurt. I had cramping like mad all week - which is very odd for me. I took a hpt on Thursday and it was negative - I was shocked. 2 hrs later the real cramps started and I knew it was over.
I called the doc to get a day 3 appt and the new nurse was totally rude to me - told me 'why couldn't you have waited a day or 2 - we are sooooo booked up' and 'you might have to wait a cycle - we don't have an appoitment for you'. How rude. Here I am crushed and all she wants to do is gripe at me for how busy they are - if they were doing a better job at getting us girls pregnant - they woudn't be so busy!!!!
Anyway had my day 2 appointment today and they found that I still had 3 very large follicles left on my ovaries from last month. These guys are really, really big, like 20-24 mm. The nurse said that since they are on both sides - and these follicles weren't released last month that I probably will have to wait a cycle to get things back to normal. I was shocked again! It is like - just when you think you can't get any more shocked and stunned at the events taking place you find you are even more shocked. She said the good news that when this happens to ladies at that office - they often have good luck trying on their own. Now we have a cervical mucus problem - but I am hoping due to the odd circumstances right now that maybe we could conceive natrually! Wow - wouldn't that be just the greatest ending to the fairy tale! All this hard work, shots, procedures, etc and it happens on the month that we have to take off NATURALLY! Still waiting to hear from the doctor as to what the final outcome is and what we are going to do this month.
The other good news is that I found this tryingtoconceive.com website with this awesome woman Momma Kath that runs it. It was recommended to me by another ttc'er from another group. I bought some vitamins and herbs that I was out of from the site and noticed something interesting. I've been taking Flax seed before O and Evening Primrose after. She said to do the oposite. I asked her about it and she got right back to me and said NEVER take EPO after ovulation - starts uterine cramping which can prevent implantation. WOW - isn't that great to know after taking it for 10 months! That Mr. Kim at the chinese med store really didn't know what he was doing. He only knew how to charge, charge, charge.... I wonder if that is what happend last month with all that cramping. So frusterating. But now I know - that is good.
Dr. just called. I have to take the month off. The cycst are too big and dangerous and won't respond to the fertilty drugs right now. We can try on our own but not with the dr. until next month. Right now it just feels like one more blow......