Wow - been looking all over trying to find an online journal to start writing some of this down. Exhausting.
Well we decided last December to start this process all over again. We tried for 6 years before we had Jack. We had 2 m/c before him and he was IUI #5 on clomid. The pregnancy was really rough and I was sick constantly. Around 21 weeks I got better and started enjoying being pregnant. Around 22 weeks I started getting what I thought was really bad heartburn. 3 weeks later they admitted me into the hospital with pre-eclampsia after I thought I just had the stomach flu. I had pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome and was getting really sick. They took Jack on 26 weeks and 0 days by emergency mid-line c-section. He was 1 lb and 7 oz. He has had a really rough road these 22 months but is such a little trooper. He is doing really well.
We started off naturally this time for about 7 months with just herbs and diet - nothing seemed to work. I started accupuncture at 8 months of ttc and then went back to the RE at 7 months to start the IUI process again. They decided to put me on gonal-f injections for 14 days pre O this time instead of clomid. They thought it would be better since I am at risk for pre-eclampsia again - it gave me really bad head aches too.
The first cycle was really promising. I ovulated on day 14 and had my procedure then. I took the ovadrel shot the day before and then 3 days after. I could have sworn that I conceived instantly! I felt pregnant within days and was so confident that I tested 5 days early which I NEVER do. The test was *barely* positive - I called the dr and they told me to come in the next day. The next day I tested at home again and there was nothing. The bloodtest at the dr office was 'inconclusive' and too early to tell. The very next day on day 26 I had the worst period I have had in years, 2 days early than normal. Not sure what happened there - either a chemical pregnancy or just the ovadrel with a false positive. Very disappointing and physically rough.
This cycle is very different. The follicle was very slow to develop so they pumped up my dose of gonal-f to 150 for a week before ovulation. Then they thought I would go on day 15, but on day 14 after bloods and an us they found that I was ovulating then and called me and dh in for the procedure right away. That was crazy getting babysitting and bill home from work within like an hour. We had the procedure and then I had accupuncture right after. Things have felt normal and there have been very little signs or symptoms this cycle.
I went and had accupuncture again a week after. On Sat - 8dpo I was exhausted and freezing but my skin was hot - kind of shivery, like I was getting sick. I took a little nap. When I woke up I had the worst non-period pain and cramping I had ever had ( not during a miscarriage). I could have sworn I would havd started my period right then and there or at least spotted - but I didn't. The pain went away after about an hour. On Sunday and Monday I noticed my boobs a *little* fuller and maybe slightly more sensitive than usual. Other than that - no real signs.
Today 11 dpo - a little crampy, boobs a little sore, very foggy and anxious, a little bit of a frantic and unsetteled feeling all day. Looking forward to knowing what is up come Friday. Still uncertain if I should go and test on Thursday which is 13 dpo or Friday 14 dpo. If I wait until Friday which is what I usually do - then the doc won't see me until Monday. That means I have to wait until Monday to go on the prometrium and the Lovenox (m/c prevention shots) until then. Might be hard for me to go the whole weekend knowing that I don't have any m/c prevention support. But also if I test on Thurs and it is negative - then I have to try again on Fri too. I am not sure on this. Kinda waiting for prompting from the Lord and my body to tell me what is best and what will drive me the least crazy. Yes, this process is driving me quite crazy.
I am finding a lot that takes things off of my mind though. I have a new rekindled interest in Reiki and Yoga which really helps and makes my body feel so much better. Jack is so much fun to play with at this stage and I love his companionship. Work has been unbelieveably nutty this cycle with the double time and Annual Report - so that has killed time well. But at night and early in the am I do find myself speculating about things I can do nothing about and still fretting and getting myself anxious about them. Would love to be in full surrender always and just let this happen as it does. I have really good times of being able to do this well - then I have really bad times too.
I just keep thinking of the day that I am like 30-35 weeks pregnant with #2 and still feeling good and having fun with Jack and being so thankful that I will NEVER have to be on this fertility roller coaster again. I just can't wait to have 2 happy healthy children to love and raise and then I never want to think about this process again. If the Lord blesses me naturally with #3 so be it! If He prompts me to adopt #3 - so be it also! But no more ttc. Just 2 wonderful happy healthy children. That is really all I have ever wanted out of life - along with a loving husband, of course!
This journal has already been theraputic. I have found lately that no one truly understands - even on the message groups to how hard it is ttc with fertility treatments/drugs with a job and a preemie at home. And I have told very few friends and family because I just don't want to hear the negative things that they have to say, considering all I went through with Jack. I need this to be a private experience - but I also need to VENT!!!
Ahhh, I am thankful to the Lord for finding me this little spot to do so. I will try to check in tomorrow 12 dpo with and update. It will be hard - we have early morning cleaning and then speech therapy for Jack then I take him to the hospital for OT feeding therapy and then home for OT therapy and evaluation. Very busy day - but my mind will be off of things - so that is good too.
Love and blessings!