Letters to my prospective LO

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natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
Letters to my prospective LO

Well I wanted to start a journal so that I and my LO can look back and see just how much we went through to bring LO here. But I can never seem to keep up on paper (computer junkie!) so here goes...
My name is Mara, I am currently 29 yrs old, DH is Nathan 28 yrs old. Three years ago we tried but due to medication issues had to put it on hold, I was on lithium at the time for bipolar and had to come off my meds, we lasted 4 mns before I had to go back on med. This time around we are better prepared. Finances are looking good, we survived 4 yrs together without a fight and the love just grows more every day, the best part... we switched meds, tegretol (carbamazapine) is safe to take during pregnancy as long as you adhere to a few precautions such as increasing folic acid. Baby are we ready for you this time! Daddy has always been one of those guys who "didn't want one" but this time around it was his idea! He gets excited with me and for us when things look good, he is even following along with temp'ing! At the time of starting this we are on month 4 of trying, thought we may have had you last month but alas that was not in the cards. We have told everyone that is important to us and sat back and watched as the most unlikely of people have gotten their LO before us (seriously ask me someday and it will shock you!). At this point we are trying to be casual about things, thinking maybe just get really drunk next weekend and see if that helps! Daddy says it may help to grease up that egg! Your granddad is waiting patiently, as he says "all good things come to those who wait" and "stop trying so hard!" lol he's a great guy. Daddy and I have picked out names already (well we did it years ago, but it's all good!) Jade Alexandra Dawn Elizabeth Couture, if your a girl; and Joshua Spencer Orion Couture if your a boy. Both names have history from both family's, that I will be glad to tell you about someday! I have started a family history online, so that when you do get here there will be one started, it's a shame because so many of your relatives have been moving on the last couple years, I want you to have something of them, they were great people whom I miss very much.
Enough sadness, some of the people currently waiting with baited breathe for you are your "aunties" my very good friends; Anna (possibly your middle name sake Annagrazia if I can teach Daddy how to say it!), Her sisters Cynthia and Trisha, friends Sue and Lori and Nicki, my BFF from BC Vicki, your "real" Aunt Suzie (we are TTC together and she will be getting married Oct. 31 which is fri!), I'm sure your Aunty Robin (Daddy's oldest sister) will be thrilled when we tell her. As for "uncles" you have one "blood" uncle and that's my brother Jimmy (he will probably be happy for us, but we don't talk much so don't be surprised if you don't see him much), and one "friend" Steve (met him through Anna but don't see him much!); as for 'babysitters'!! well Nicki's LO Jayden has offered (he's currently 7) and Cynthia's LO Sammy has offered (he's 4!!). Now you have TONS of family on the 'step' side, your Aunty Michelle is very nice and you will listen to her when she is around! She has one little boy Maliki and is currently expecting her second. You will see most of these people often as they will be fighting over who gets to take you for the day!
Right now it's early, your not even a twinkle in my body's eye yet, but you are in our eye's!! Can't wait to see you my LO.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
oct. 31 08

well it's halloween and every where i look ppl are talking about what their kids are going as. honestly, i'm not doing to bad lately, but might heart aches when i see the little ones out with their parents, as much as i'm trying 'not to think about it' the thought creeps up and 'where are you' sets in! your daddy and i are so ready to have you be a part of our lives, our relationship is terrific and we are sooo comfortable with just the two of us, but having you here... okay so it's become total cliche, but i get it now... you would complete our family and bring us the one little thing has been missing. for the time being i've stopped agonizing over your arrival at night and have gone back to dreams of winning the lottery! for most of the day i can either think about other things or at least think about you objectively (mental notes of what items we have and what we still need!) or i come on here, and i lurk some of the other boards, often i find little things that i didn't know about. been meaning to ask fuchsia what BOBB is (i think it's movie?) and what is beta testing, i thought you got a positive, went to the doc and did blood work confirmation and then just went from there, apparently there is a lot to being pregnant that i still have no clue about! at this point i'm scared and excited to bring you here with us. so many questions, so many answers! just know that you are wanted soo much, and not just by daddy and i but by your family and our friends who have so much love to share with you (and have taken to getting me out of the house more often so i think about other things!). can't wait to meet you and your not even here yet. love mom.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
Nov. 1 08

well halloween has come and gone and wow am i tired! got to help with little sammy, he was really a good boy and got soooo much candy the the "aunties" all helped him get it to a manageable amount! i had the weirdest dream last night, it woke me up because my brain couldn't grasp the contradiction. you were here little one, i kept getting positive test results and ultrasounds showed you in there, but i had gotten my period so my poor mind was going in circles! it would actually be funny if that were the case as daddy keeps saying you are our little ninja and will probably do something like that! this coming weekend we will be trying again to see if you are ready for us, but for now i am actually doing pretty good. baby talk is down to informative purposes only (people keep asking me or giving me the look, "are you preg. yet?" i am trying really hard not to watch the baby shows that i was (bringing home baby is a good for me because it shows the first two days with new parents coming home! it's given me some great ideas!) and i am holding off on "birth stories" until we know you are on the way! so, i will be picking up the t-shirts this week, one for you, one for daddy, and two for me (a regular, and a maternity) and will have to keep an eye out at the dollar stores for a little ninja! i'm going to put it on a bun and put it in the oven for when daddy comes home to let him know you are here! i know that it's probably a ways away but it makes me feel better to know that things are here and ready when we need them (an annoying little quirk of your mothers that you will get used to eventually!)
well hunny, mommies had her rant for the day and i feel refreshed and ready to make it through another day without driving everyone around me nutty! thanks for listening, i love you already!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 2 08

alright little one... if this is you then it all makes sense, if not then mommy needs help! been tired and nauseous but thought nothing of it 'cause you weren't supposed to start ill next weekend, however temps are saying you showed up early! maybe? anyway, yesterday had a good cry, feeling really scared that something with me is broken, cried over my ankle, it really is amazing how you don't see the little things even when they are obvious! grief and loss will always catch up with you, don't kid yourself they, they are really good at it! well mommy sprained her ankle last oct and just found out that the ligaments are gone and i am now limited in my mobility, mommy was a walker, hated riding bikes would always walk everywhere (aunty anna's was 32 blocks and i used to walk that on a nice day) so this news is a loss for me, and last night daddy got to hear it all, the fear of him leaving me, the fear about you never being able to get through, and all the other little negaive things that have happened this year. it's been an okay year, but all the little things add up. always feel hunny, even if you don't like it, don't let the little things become lip service without feeling, cause that's what will get you and trust me it's so much easier to cry for a few minutes and feel it now then to bottle it all up and bawl for hours later.
well fertility friend says that you may have come last weekend (that would be cool!) but it was saying next weekend so we will just continue with plans as normal and see what happens! i love you and can't wait to hold you in my arms. ttys.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 3 08

as suspected the cross hairs went away on fertility friend. had a feeling it was too early for you! so this weekends plans stand as planned, daddy and i are going to have some fun for us and if you decide to make an appearance then great, if not, i'm going to trust things to take care of themselves. yesterday was a decent day, slept late, relaxed for a bit, went shopping (after dad came home and gave me back the bus pass!) found out that i can get the belly dancing dvd from the library when you get here! hopefully it will help things go smoothly! looking forward to picking up the t-shirts this week (just waiting on pay cheques!) thinking that come jan. i might start using my gst's to pick up some of the good diapers (little g are environmentally sound but pricey) so that i can make sure that there are lots here for you when you show up! i've been looking at housing costs and it looks like we may be able to get you a nice home this time next year. we are looking at a recession coming up which should lower prices a little more, and daddy has a good job so we are not to worried about things. despite the attempts to 'not think about it' you are forever on my mind, it's been many years of hoping and waiting and now that i am in a place where you are wanted and welcome and hoped for... well i keep trying to remind myself that i have survived this long waiting, a little longer won't hurt me! might drive me a little batty, but won't hurt! i write these regularly so that you will know that you are loved and wanted, to remind us both on those bad days that there was never a doubt about whether you would be with us, only a matter of when. i sit here daily and watch as others on these boards try for what seems like ages, and when their time comes, they are so blessed and i am truly happy for them because i know the road they took, i was allowed to take some of that journey with them, and i know that when my time comes it will bring joy and hope to others that are following my road. i have taken the first steps to your arrival and wait with bated breathe for your fist steps along this road with us. love always, mom

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 4 08

okay so a few things today, starting with fertility friend and the cross hairs again, it's back and telling me (again) that last week was the "time". driving me nutty, okay so timing works out that you could be here but that's not the point. that said i'm not going to worry about it until next week, if it still says to test for wed or thurs then i will (tests are a buck a pop) and other than that we will continue with plans as normal. got mail from fuchsia yest. she gifted me a fertility rune that she found on the side of the road before she got pregnant! if nothing else it feels like a big hug from her because she wore it for a while and charged it right up!i started a blanket for you yest. as well. i will have to wait to get more yarn before i can do any more of it but it's a good start, and i am thinking about a layette set (i now know that's a hat, mit and jacket set!) but we will see what today brings. let myself think about you yest. to keep myself from going crazy trying not too! well that's about it for today, love you!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 5 08

well, got a temp spike today, not sure what's going on but at least timing still looks good. looking like a triphasic coming in, if we get a dip in the next couple days then i may let myself get a little excited but for now trying really hard not to think about it! it's not working! yesterday i picked up the t-shirts that i ordered to let daddy know you are here (when you get here!) and i have decided that i will let him know by putting a note on the door for him to look in the oven and then i will have a little ninja coming out of a bun in the oven and i will be waiting in the bedroom with his new shirt! as for the ninja thing, well daddy has been coaching, telling his boys where to go when we are finished! you'll get it when you're older! and he is sure that you are going to pull something sneaky regarding letting us know you are here (so far you are if you are here now!) so he keeps calling you our little ninja, hence the ninja in the oven! i am starting to get car sick and bloated again so i am pretty sure that the post ovulation timing that fertility friend is showing is right, this month i am running a week and a half early, it wasn't supposed to happen until this weekend but apparently it happened last week. it is driving me a little buggy not knowing what is going on, which is of course why i am keeping this journal, i can babble to you and not drive daddy nuts with my uncertainty. the desire for you to be a part of my life has been a long road (21 years at this point) i was never one of those girls who played 'marriage' but i always played 'mommy' i had a cabbage patch doll that i cared for, for years and have been surrounding myself with little ones since i was 8. the closer i get to having you in my arms for real the more nervous i get and excited and frustrated and a little scared. you will always be loved and i hope that you always feel the love that is and has always been bookmarked just for you. you are the most precious little sparkle in my eye and no matter how mad i may seem at you, know that it is at your behavior and not you, no matter how frustrated, or tired or just down i may seem, you are wanted and loved for who you are and i will always try to remember that my feelings are mine and yours belong to you and we are both entitled to them. well that's all for now, i just wanted to make sure that you knew these things, and that by writing them down i fully expect them to be thrown in my face when i forget (because i am sure from time to time i will, as will you!) and it is only fair that you have some defense! love you lots and can't wait to see you, mommy.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 6 08

well hunny you might as well hear the rant as this is one of the days where you will be spending time with an aunty or grandparent! mommy is having "one of those". woke up early and didn't have time to go back to sleep before everything started, my aish cheque still wasn't in before i had to leave for the doctors, he agrees that the shakes should have stopped with the lithium stopping so we are going to be testing blood glucose to determine if i have intermittent blood sugar issues, then i get to the store and things are going well, the pharmacist showed me how to use the monitor and told me that i needed a 'needle poke sharp thingy' it's a sharps container for the lancets BUT they are free so no worry, went and got groceries (my yogurt was on sale again and i found the only two of the flavor i like hiding!) got back to pick up meds and wouldn't you know it, not only is my cheque not in but i have no medical coverage all of a sudden! GREAT! now i get to sit around waiting for the shakes to build up (it's barely lunch so i am going to wait) and wait for the aish worker to call and tell me that nothing is going to be fixed till monday because the stupid computer takes 2 business days to do anything. daddy is hiding at poppa's playing golf on the wii but told me he is 'on call' if i need him for anything (he's a great guy that way!) so i thought i would rant over here to make myself feel better while i wait, once all the waiting is over i still have to take the van back to aunty anna's (she lent it to me for shopping, she's great that way!) and then find my way back home (i usually bus). ps it's feels like it's freezing outside, i am so bloated that i look about four months pregnant already, i am doing the 'every half hour pee' routine again (happens after ovulation anyway) and i just want to run away for a while, soo... i am going to log off and veg out on the tv for a bit and try to lighten my mood! see, these days are always stupid little things that i have no control over (yes mommy is a bit of a control freak!) and it's no ones fault, but i just need some down time! love you always little one!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 8 08

alright little one, this has been one heck of a week! one of those where i had to laugh because there was no sense in crying. nothing major happened just a lot of little things that went awry (like driving down the wrong side of the road on wed!) as for my predictions on your arrival, i'm honestly can't say, i'm kind of 50/50 and totally blah zeh about the whole thing. started a blanket for you, then ran out of yarn and couldn't find any more of the color so i found a better color and bought two big 1 lbs balls of it! should have lots now! heard from vicki yest. and things went the way she wanted so big sigh of relief there. hoping to hear from fuchsia today, get to tell her all about the wed incident! other than that nothing much going on today, going to let daddy off the hook till mon regarding our 'fun night' bought some rum and he has tuesday off so mon it is! anyway, love you lots sweetheart!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
a thought

I thought a little thought of you
and sent good wishes too
One random act of kindness
to change the world at large
If i had made you smile today
the proof is in the grin
A random act of kindness
isn't all that hard!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 9 08

well my little one, it's sunday, and if af doesn't show by tues then i should be testing for you. not sure about things at this point, i don't feel pregnant but at the same time i don't feel pms either. had another dream about you last night, this time (for the first time) i dreamed about an actual baby girl, not just a faded spot where a baby would be in my arms, you had my nose and cheeks and daddy's chin (that was the premise of the dream!) i gave birth and saw the placenta and everything and then i got to hold you. usually when i try to envision holding my child there's nothing there but faded space. it woke me up with such a warm feeling, and the look on daddy's face (in the dream) was so heart warming. well when you do get here you will see for yourself the love that we have for you! just wanted to share the dream for the records! love you lots little one!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 10 08

alright, mommy is going nutty today. no af yet, cramps are bowel only but there, took a test and got a bfn but its still a little early, going to wait it out now, if nothing by cd 34/35 then we'll test again. it could be that daddy is right and you will play little ninja hiding in the shadows until you pop out and go surprise! in the meantime the wait is driving my nutty! i will try to occupy myself today with some housework and the baby blanket that is just for you!
i've been looking for a picture of the celestial pattern i want for your nursery and it just dawned on me, i should have a pic of the throw with the pattern i want from when i lived at todd's place!!! every so often the old noggin' kicks in! anyway, off to the day my love.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 12 08

well that's two tests now that say no but it still feels like they are wrong and daddy is right, you will play little ninja and just pop out when your good and ready! not much new going on, thought i'd say hey and let you know that 'you are driving me crazy!" the whole are you or aren't you is totally worn off it's appeal! got gas like mad, stomach ache is only in the morning when i wake up and after a few passes of gas and quick trip to the bathroom the ache's are all gone, tired in the afternoon for sure (nothing new for me though!) feeling really good today, can't remember if i noted or not but at one point a few days ago i could smell af coming (get that bloody sniff) but that's long gone, cramps made a brief appearance but are also long gone, i am currently cd25-13dpo and hating the dollar store tests! going to go to the clinic in a few days and see what their tests say. well bread is almost done and my mouth is watering so will say goodbye for now, love you and hopefully know your here soon!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 14 08

well my little darling, we test for you on monday, as for today, nipples are looking a little darker, bowels smell awful and stomach is tight and not so much crampy as pulling, by that i mean when i stand up (about once a day) it feels like my insides are pulling against the stand. at this point i am leaning 50/50 i am now cd 27 and according to FF 15 dpo which means that if you are here then you should register on the test by monday. daddy is getting a little more sure you are here and right now he is my biggest skeptic (which is good because it helps to keep me grounded) the gas is getting really annoying, wouldn't mind so much if i knew one way or the other, you will learn that mommy hates the "not knowing" part of things. when i know what something is then i can deal with it, until then all i can do is be super aware of what is happening and treat everything with kid gloves, once i know then it's easier to determine the limitations of stuff (my ankle is a prime example of this, you will probably hear all about it sometime!) in the meantime, everything is here and prep'ed for your arrival as far as telling everyone (especially daddy!) mood has been good lately, energy is slightly above normal for me, and still no sign of spotting, breasts have been sooo sore the last couple days, last night it was hard to get to sleep because of it. can't think of much else to say, i will be going for a localized surgery on the 25th to remove a bump on my leg (it's from hitting it on the patio door frame!) shouldn't be a big deal, will just have to take it really easy for a while, going to see if grandad will drive just in case. well little one i love you and hope to see (know of) you soon!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 16 08

well my darling, i haven't counted you out totally this month. although there have been times when i was pretty sure. so far temp went down yest. then went back up today, started 'rusting' yest. and a bit today with the odd 'scabby' (probably clots but it looks more like pieces of a scab) my chest (not boobs the actual rib cage) is sooo sore today it feels like it's bruised or something. nipples and boobs are a little sore today as well and as of yet no real cramping (although i tagged it on ff) it seems to be bowel cramps more than anything else. last night i was sure what was going on so as i fell asleep i asked for you, i asked to have you stay if you are here now, and i prayed for you to be ours now. this morning temp went back up to 36.7 which if you are for sure here, is a good sign. although with the rusting i am still not so sure unless this is late implantation or just one of those times you hear about where the woman gets her period but is still preg. i want you in our lives so bad sometimes it hurts my heart to think that it's not time yet. i know good things come to those who wait but i've been dreaming about you since i was 8, haven't i waited enough? i've been so good, all those times that i could have, and didn't, all the men that i waited through to find your daddy, and now that i have the perfect guy for us, they say patience is a virtue and sometimes i really don't feel very virtuous. i have so much love to give to you and everyday it builds. well, we'll see what happens and know that when you come, we'll be ready and waiting with open arms.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 17 08

I'M GOING CRAZY! alright, thinking i'm going to check out giant tiger for hpt and cancel doc appt. i feel like i hypochondriac with this spotting, three days now and i'm kind of on time for a regular cycle (except for the O temps) i'm cd 30 with a dpo of 18 according to ff and i swear i'm one good cramp away from af. there was a bit of a dip on cd 20 so i guess the temps could be wrong, i don't know the bfn's from earlier are messing with my too. i want you here so bad that maybe it was mind playing tricks with my body and i am running a normal cycle in which case the bd timing was way off (damn daddy's work schedule sometimes!) but i wasn't in the mood either. i think i'm getting a cough, had the sniffles yest and a bit of phlegm this morn. kind of queazy but it's still really early in the am. chest still hurts a bit but so far not like it did yest, feeling dizzy again (started last night). okay that's my rant for today, if your here then please just be here, no more questions, no more spotting, and show a big bfp.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
nov 18 08

well looks like you're not ready for us yet. that's okay, we'll be waiting here when you are, gonna take a little break for a while so if don't write it's because i need a little normal back in my life. it's amazing how crazy things can get when you just don't know. when you're ready, so are we.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
dec 1 08

well so far the de-stressing is working, i'm feeling a lot more relaxed and comfortable. wanted to check in and let you know that things here are moving along nicely, we are hoping to have a house for you by this time next year! you can thank grandad (my dad) for some vitamin top ups, very important is the folic acid (this way i can keep taking my meds and everyone is happy!) and he picked up some green tea as well, this is good for strengthening the uterus so that you will stick around! (and yes if you do your homework i stop taking it when i ovulate, then take it up again when i bleed!) everyone is waiting for you patiently, not driving me nuts about "baby" at all! no seriously though they all know that i get worked up pretty easy on this subject so the most i get is a look of questioning!. well love you lots, can't wait to know you. ttfn!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
feb 16 2009

well my love it's been a while! been hiding off the boards for my own sanity, ttc can be all encompassing when you have little else to do. I am updating this today because I am going crazy with anticipation! On wed I will be going to the doctors to do blood work to see if you are here. Here's an update:
for the last two weeks, we have been nauseous, gassy, bloated, frequent urination (like every half hour!) super human sense of smell (i can smell the fish and chips place across the road), an aversion to foods (dad's favorite bistro's are now to be eaten when i'm not in the room, chicken and i aren't talking and ground beef is on my list of 'one more chancers'), my aureola's are doing weird things (they are darker on average, they keep changing size, the bigger they are the lighter and flatter they are) and they hurt on and off (tingly but painful or just pain sore), I'm not hungry unless I crave something and then I want to cry if I can't have it, and I'm sooooo tired all the time, heartburn is occasional and usually after a particularly large belch. Got a bfn on friday but with a decidual bleed i have no idea if that's normal or not, there could be the chance of there being two of you there and then that might explain the bleed but still waiting to find out. Well I'm getting tired again and daddy has to get up early so i'm going to go. love you lots and hope to know of you soon! Love Mom.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
Feb 21 09

Well my little one, i grow more sure that you are here by the day, at times i am sure that i can feel you, however failing to get confirmation at this point we continue on the premise that it's all in my head! i have gotten past the nausea and now have; sore boobs, veins everywhere, outgrown my bra, outgrowing my pants, underwear that apparently has no butt anymore, super smell and weak stomach combined, become best friends with the toilet and considering buying stocks in toilet paper (i'd be rich!), my energy is coming back slowly after having slept for two weeks straight, meat and i are on an as needed basis, cheesy's like to trick me (heehee we'll let her have a few bites then we'll let her know that we are really minty! hahaha!), sugar is great but not chocolate, there appears to be a small fist in my abdomen that rolls around sometimes and finishes by jabbing a knuckle in random spots, it is probably the lack of confirmation one way or another (yes or no, don't even care anymore as long as it's definite) but i go for most of the day happy with small pockets of time when for no reason at all i want to curl up into a ball and cry, no reason, just because i can, putting my socks on now requires the knee to the shoulder instead of the chin angle, and bending over involves a squat, dishes are fine now as long as i pee first and have the option to pee at anytime during and after (i do them with the towel on my shoulder for drying as i walk), appetite has come back for the most part and all i want is pasta. well i guess that's about it for now, just wanted to update for the records! blood work was negative but will be pushing for an ultra sound when i see the doc on monday. love you lots, mom.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
feb 22 09

well i see the doc tom. officially 'not sure' anymore. still getting some post coital spotting (very light as always) fatigued but can't seem to nap, hungry but can't seem to eat much at a time, still bloated, boobs are sore intermittently especially if they are bumped/brushed or dad touched without being careful and slow. still peeing up a storm but smaller amounts in the afternoon or when i don't drink as much (average 2lt a day ish) get fluttering feelings in the early am and/or at night or after doing lots of something (walking/physio, cleaning for at least half hour, etc.) at night is the most active. starting to wonder about all the 'other' things it could be, infection, cyst, something just 'wrong' with that area that will necessitate a d&c. really wish that i could just see inside me and know what was going on. nausea is rare now unless i go outside and 'catch a whiff' of something or think about eating something that i guess i don't want at the time. veins on feet are getting more pronounced and dad can see them on the boobs, one or two good ones on lower abdomen and the inside of my thighs. not looking forward to more blood work after the last time but will go as walk-in on mon morn. (appt are all booked so will have to go early as some tests are 8-10am tests). just tired of the unknown, can't wait to find out what it is once and for all. will kup (keep you posted) Mom.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
feb 23 09

today is the day for more blood work and to ask the doc for an u/s. so far i am trying really hard to tell myself that the results have been neg so i can't be, however every time i just about believe it something happens to make me doubt again. im so tired of not knowing, of doubting myself and of thinking 50/50 all the time. psychosomatic pregnancy's are rare but they do happen and if im not then i want to know what's wrong with me that i have all these symptoms. they come and go throughout the day, nothing seems constant and i am driving myself nuts trying not to drive myself nuts. sleeping doesn't help it just makes me think even more, everything i do is tainted with this nagging thought in the back of mind all the time. hopefully an u/s will put an end to all the confusion, i will be able to see with my own two eyes the truth of the matter whatever that may be. i am prepared for it to be anything, and nothing all at once, at this point all i want i irrefutable proof one way or another. i am alternating between constipation and diarrhea, nausea and hunger, fatigue and restless energy, bloating and just fat, muscle flutters and the damn butterfly that moved in friday. my mood is relatively good considering the situation but the crazy is starting to where on my last nerves! i keep telling myself that it's just my body upset with me over something and that all will be revealed soon and then i can move on with whatever treatment is deemed appropriate. that's sort of working. okay well i will kup for now im off to NOT obsess some more till my appt.
love mom

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
feb 24 09

saw doc, cholesterol up a little and he booked me an u/s for april 14. doc seems to think thats theres a good chance your here but i am really starting to wonder, it just doesn't feel 'as' pregnant as everyone seems to write about. nipples aren't drastically different, just enough for me to notice (okay and nathan too), boobs aren't sore all the time just periodically, things like that. anyway will wait two weeks till next period due and see what happens now that i am not on the meds for a while. tc. Mom

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
feb 26 09

okay, thought i'd write cause the brain is not functioning these days. the 50/50 not knowing is so hard, i keep pee'ing up a storm, i can't eat anything (or at least much of anything when i find something that i do want) i'm tired but restless at the same time, my stomach is getting a little smaller (had a big waist to begin with) but im not loosing any weight, sleep seems to be sporadic some nights i sleep like a log for 6 hours others im up eery two to pee, my abdomen is flabby on the outside but feels so tight on the inside, my lower back just aches, my extremities are almost always cold (feet especially) i just don't know what to think anymore and wish i could have one whole day where i just didn't think of anything at all. i have been off the meds now since last wed (feb 18 ) and since my moods were starting to shift before then i don't know what to think of it now but it seems to be getting a little more swingy (sad then neutral then happy then neutral) two more weeks then i will either bleed or not and i will test again with a hpt hopefully the tegretol will be out of my system enough to give me a more reliable reading. daddy has started talking to the tummy on occasion, i think he is more certain than i am at times! it makes me feel better to know that i am not the only one who thinks that you may be here, but at the same time i am terrified that it is something else entirely that is causing the symptoms and i am going to let everyone down, there are so many supportive people that want to see you too. i know that everyone will be great no matter what the outcome is but i still can't help feeling that there will be underlying disappointment and judging. i wish for once that i could just shut my mouth and not say anything when things happen to me so that i don't have to deal with the world around me when it turns out that it was all in my head. anyway i have to pee again so i will leave this for today and try to focus on nothingness for a little while. love always, mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
feb 26 09

so i had my first blow up today, or rather melt down. started bawling all over your dad about how scared i am getting, if im not pregnant then what the hell is wrong with me (all blood work is fine apparently) and if i am pregnant then why don't i know it yet? and the whole thing earlier about the disappointment of everyone including me if im not. dad was awesome as always, told me that he doesn't care what happens as long as im okay, and we'll get through whatever it is together! that he's pretty damn sure that i am so it's not all in my head there are more than enough external signs that it could be and that not to worry, he has some of the same questions and the 50/50 gets to him too. he understands why this is so hard for and let me know that he's right here for me no matter what! i love him so much and can't wait to make him a daddy, he's gonna be terrific!

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
feb 28 09

now i'm totally confused, yest woke up with stiff shoulders and had a headache by lunch, went to bed at 7pm then woke up at 4:30am to pee. temp was 36.7 and now ff is saying that i ovulated (of course we missed it cause i've been feeling crumby) aureola's are not dark all the time just most of the time and when they are not they are huge. have not gained any weight (still 204) but have gone from a 36 to a 39 1/2 waist, dad says my butt looks great, tight and tight which is an improvement! still getting little flutters from time to time (once or twice a day) my little bulge has moved from above pubic bone to just below belly button, yest i was so hungry but couldn't eat much at a time so i snacked all day (quarter servings of baked lasagna, bbq peanuts, micro mini choc eggs (too much in one bite and it's gross), au gratin potato chips, then tried to eat a half serving of lasagna for dinner (usually eat the whole thing no prob) and i was so stuffed. still peeing every half hour to hour depending on whether i am sitting or lying down. lower back aches almost all day. have discovered that choc and bbq peanuts taste great! mmm choc covered bbq peanuts! boobs are filling out and dad says that they are wider now (having the surgery last year may have something to do with the aureola, i will have to look that up) i am now cd 20 and looks like od on the 18? according to fertility friend but at the same time i have been sleeping better the last three or four days so that may have something to do with it too (higher temps earlier in the cycle i was sleeping better, lower temps i was having bad dreams and having to get up and pee a lot)veins are very faint and although dad can see them and says that the boob and belly veins are new the hands are fairly normal but the feet are a little worse, this could all be because i am looking for them. still get pukey in the morn if i start coughing but otherwise i just lay down and seem to be fine. 14 more days till i will test again if i don't have a 'normal' period, tegretol should no longer be an issue. bowels are driving me nuts, it's always soft and half the time it's diarrhea, however with my lack of diet lately that could make sense, i just hate being constipated and then having diarrhea. i know i put in a lot of tmi details but it is my hope that this will help either with determining what's wrong if im not, help you if you have issues when it's time or at least help someone else as this is online and others read it too. daddy is so sure now that he came home from work, gave me a kiss and then kissed the belly and asked if you were there! it's really cute and it feels sooo weird! sometimes i get a butterfly right where he is talking and it always feels like it vibrating through the whole lower abdomen! again that water balloon feeling! the bloated feeling is still there but sometimes it's not so bad and i almost think that i'm just getting used to it, but it is still there.
well i guess that's it for now, will keep temp'ing until i get that bfp who knows maybe it'll be good for there to be a temp record from someone who is preg, haven't found one yet! love you lots my little one, Mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 1 09

it's all in my head, it's all in my head, it's all in my head. okay maybe if i say it enough things will go back to normal. i still have no clue either way, half the time i believe i am and half the time i believe im not. the bloating doesn't feel so bad most of the time, the gas seems to help a little, my stomache is getting itchier but that could be hard water. i can't think of what else it could be but i don't really feel preg. a lot of the time, unless i try to bend over or when the gurgles start in that weird way in that weird spot. two more weeks till i have a better idea, temps don't seem to be reflecting anymore but at the same time i have no clue what temps look like when someone is preg. just know that they are supposed to be elevated and not drop, but with the tegretol for the early parts who knows what's going on now. hell for all i know it was all the tegretol and then it was my body readjusting to not being on it and now according to ff it's because im post o. trying to find any other explanation so that i can stop this if it is all in my head. dad was making fun of me this morning, almost made me cry but i don't think he realized it (his stomach was a little bloated and he was cracking jokes that maybe he was preg) all i said was to quit picking on me and let him go with that but if he keeps it up i will not let him off so easily. i'm not saying this isn't tough on him but he's not the one who has to feel it all day long and i have been trying really hard not to talk about anything baby related cause i know i drives him! he is having a bad morn. (no excuse but it happens to us all) and daddy can get a little hurtful when he is in pain (just doesn't realize that what he is saying isn't funny) and it's not like it happens often. just beware if dad's in a bad mood not to take anything he says too personal. well two more weeks of insanity and things should make themselves known one way or the other. i am hoping that it's really simple, the tegretol messed with the hormones causing a weird period and therefore a weird cycle and that since it's gone now i will have a super period, clean everything out and be prep'd for a great cycle next month, the way tegretol interacts with female hormones i am wondering if it is at least partially responsible for why it's taking so long, we know that it affects my hormones since it is the reason i had to go off the pill in the first place. only the shadow knows for now! will cross my fingers and just get on with life (yeah right but at least im gonna try!) love mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
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march 1 09 (cont.)

okay so it was as i thought daddy was actually trying to make a joke but when he's in a bad mood he doesn't realize that it comes out wrong, the joke was supposed to be sympathy pregnancy, he's feeling bloated for me! im in a better mood now so i can see the funny but he has been warned about being careful with those ones in the future (our running gag has been his lactose intolerance which started two months ago)! just wanted to mention this for the record while im still in a good mood! love ya sweetie, Mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 2 09 (tmi)

good morning my darling, well, i woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of calm. still not sure that you are here but finally at peace with whatever will be, will be. bloating is getting worse, as is diarrhea and constipation (it is a rather annoying combination) and we have hit official vomiting to go along with the nausea. beginning to feel strongly that tegretol is out of system and things are going back to normal, the only meds now are the prenatals (which i stopped taking for a bit due to cost) and have never had any problems with them in the past. next thursday should be bleed/test day, i am trying to hold on to this calm to get me through till then. daddy is more and more certain of you everyday and now talks about you almost as much as i do! sorry for the tmi in this entry but the truth is in the details, or so they say, and besides the normal functions of the human body should be nothing to get embarrassed about, just cause no one talks about it doesn't mean it never happens! the frustration... i mean couch! blanket is almost finished, only about 6-7 more rows to go. it is soo warm, same yarn as your blue and yellow one that i started a while ago. i will be starting that one again once we have confirmation of your arrival. keeping you posted as things progress, love always, Mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 5 09

good morning my LO, it's less than a week till my longest cycle and so far more signs of you than of AF. daddy is now talking to the tummy at least once a day asking if your in there! i'm so bloated that it's almost time to look into some new undies (been waiting till i have to buy maternity ones!) temp is still holding per normal for the month and FF is tagging an 81% chance as of today. veins are starting to get more noticeable on breasts (look like red spider webs with blue roads) and feet are very prominent, legs and hands are even starting to show obviously, although more the palms of my hands than the back which is funny cause i never realized there were so many veins on the palm of the hand! only threw up those two days so far but day two was a morning and evening event. so far just up the throat since then. will not complain if i get to be one of those women who don't get morning sickness! started a cross stitch for your first stocking yest. it's very cute and coming along nicely, although i ran out of one of the colors and will have to either go find it (this is a kit) or sub a different color (reindeer head with whit tuft instead of solid head!) the frustration blanket is almost done, need one more ball of yarn and then it's finished. can't wait till next week to test for you again, i'm so nervous but at the same time at peace. i love you and wait (im)patiently for your arrival! Mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 6 09

just fixed up the budget and i will be going to the store shortly to pick up a test and some cinnamon buns (mmmm) not sure how it will turn out and doubt that i will believe it if it's neg but it's worth another shot. had some very light yellow-ish spotting at one point this morning, and the pukes without the belching first so maybe morning sickness is kicking in slowly (either that or last nights chicken wasn't sitting as well as i thought) twylight is getting very cute, she has started rubbing her face gently on my tummy and purring while nudging the rest of my body as usual (she is VERY pushy when she wants something!) and yest while she was rubbing her face on the tummy it felt like a ball doing somersaults. thinking that when the time comes for you to be here that she is going to be the protector of the tummy and your own personal play toy (or vice versa!) feeling tired and restless today as i didn't sleep well at all, couldn't seem to get comfy and my lower back was sore and making my legs jump. grabbed a shower around midnight and was then able to sleep till 4:45 this morn. nothing really new other than that, uncle mike is coming over for dinner (bbg moose strips on kaisers!) and just relaxing from there. will keep you posted as usual, love mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 7 09

good morning sweet heart. temp has dipped a little but i also slept better last night than i have in a while, started sleeping with a pillow between/under my knee(s). have developed a lovely stretch mark around my belly button! spotted a little this morning (first pee, a little orangey, but had diarrhea as well) the diarrhea is starting to worry me a little, but feeling alright and getting plenty of fluids so we shall see what happens, color is still good so i know that i am getting some nutrients. waist has reached 40 1/5 inches, still no weight gain, veins are up to my knees (from the toes). first response test was neg yest but i didn't do it right, there wasn't enough so i pee'd in a cup again (immediately) and dipped just to see before i threw it out (no good is no good but you never know). will wait till thurs, see what happens with bleeding and do the clear blue easy digital that i also picked up yest. uncle mike was over yest, took one look at me and started laughing, said "oh yeah, your preg or at least you really look like it" so i feel better, not so crazy, signs and symptoms now, others can see the veins as clearly as i do, and the bloat and the larger boobs (since the surgery everyone has had a chance to examine size so the difference is noticeable) it's still early but so far just a little nausea. i think i have resolved in my head that if i am i will be one of those few women who just never test positive for the hcg and will have to wait either for the u/s or to be kicked, not that im surprised, i've been joking for years that this was how it would be, just never thought it wasn't just a joke! well, that's it for now, love mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
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march 7 09 (pics for comparison)

feb 19/09
(a wks) feb19/09

March 7/09
belly pic (d wks) mar 7/09

others have commented that the bulge is now higher, weight still 204 lbs as of 7 am this morning, inches at belly button 41 (and a pinch), still neg on all hcg tests, first pic=relaxed second pic=trying to stand up straight and hold tight.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 8 09

okay temp drop this morn and spotting again, i can't be preg, this is really a little freaky cause what else is it, IS it all in my damn head, is there something wrong. will start calling for the u/s to be bumped up tom (looking for a cancellation) and then see what happens. daddy says that im just obsessing too much (entirely possible) but the symptoms have been signs for a while (others see it too, the veins, the stomach bulge, etc.) honestly im not that upset about the whole thing (at least not yet) still no cramping or any other sign of af except temp and spotting. i wonder if this is just the way my body reacts to af without the bc in my system, it's been a year that i have been off and looking at my charts it may just be that my cycle is finally regulating (thought had happened already) as it does seem that the last two or three months have been very similar, same length and luteal phase. oh well, this month i will have to make an effort to get the timing right and see what happens, last month i was feeling way to icky to want to do anything and the post coital spotting has had me a little concerned. hoping that i have been emotional enough the last two weeks that logic will win out on this topic and we can proceed forward with renewed vigor and hope. as always keeping you posted, love mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
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march 10 09

*it's actually march 9 09 today, got days mixed up*

af showed up with cramps from hell this morning. okay so here's the deal in my head, feeling really stupid BUT at least there was others who saw things too, there was something going on. maybe this has all been me regulating from the bc finally, maybe there was an intestinal issue that the doc missed (all the diarrhea) and the abdominal feelings and veins were my body trying to flush something out that shouldn't have been there. i'm not letting it get me down, cycles seem to leveling out nicely, FINALLY, today is the start of a brand new round and besides, i didn't really want to be third trimester during any of the summer here, and really really didn't want a winter child (yest it snowed and today is minus 29) as around here that can cause some serious health issues and a lot more work when needing to go out. also, the best part, midwives are supposed to be getting capital funding next month and i do want a midwife. so we will wait a few more weeks and bd again lots and see what nature has in store for us. i am a little sad but at this point i think it is more that i don't want others to think that i am crazy and obsesses and think less of me, i know that i am not the first woman to go through this, and that my friends love me for me, but i can't help feeling a little ashamed with how i carried on. it is my hope that they will realize that there was something happening and that i wasn't making it up and they will just let it go and let me move on without any hard feelings. on the up side i still have the digital test for when i finally do need to test because there is no af! still going to keep the u/s as it is marked for exploratory (trouble conceiving) and put my mind at ease that there is nothing wrong, and maybe now dad will agree to go do his thing in a cup for the sperm count (doc doesn't want to put me through all the tests until they rule out the easy one to test for) trying to stay positive here, going to lie down as back hurts REALLY bad! love always, mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
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march 10 09 (really this time!)

wow what a long night, mommy has not been sleeping well lately and last night was horrible. tossed and turned all night, had to pee lots (think i drank too much water before bed) and woke up stiff. starting to feel better though, did some exercises to stretch out, am renewing efforts to loose a few inches off the waist line, and to cut back on the smoking. patches cause skin irritation, gum caused mouth sores, pills can cause manic episode and cold turkey can cause depression so i am pretty much limited to the ween off method to quit. starting now as daddy wants to quit when he has his week off in june. so far averaging 9-12 cigs a day, starting with eliminating triggers, wait at least half an hour after getting up, and half an hour to an hour after eating, so that i can stop associating those activities with a cigarette. so far so good. also trying to time myself, check the clock when i come in from one (we smoke outside) and wait at least an hour and a half between, have gone as far as four hours if can keep busy and not think about it! right now i think the hardest one will be the "i can't sleep" smoke. i am supposed to get up and do something 'mild' when i can't sleep then try again, currently that includes going for a smoke, will be working on that one shortly, maybe start playing solitaire or something on the computer.
wanted to give you a prime example of how well daddy and i compliment each other, this is a little thing but it's the little things that can make a great relationship! a can of stew; i have always preferred the soup part and not the chunky's, daddy is the other way around! so now when i make stew i take all the liquid and daddy takes all the chunky's and we both feel the we are getting the better end of the deal. it's corny i know but you will find the daddy and i are always enjoying the little ways that we fit together so perfectly. to date 4 1/2 years together and never had a fight (one little spat, lasted ten minutes and the was three years ago!) my advice; communication and take pleasure in the little things; sitting on the couch holding hands to watch tv, helping each other with household chores, making a meal together, being able to find/feel the intimacy in the most innocent moments (a shared glance, the warmth of a smile). a great relationship doesn't take work it takes patience and understanding, and above all the ability to love yourself enough to let others love you for who you are, if you are true to yourself then there should be no desire to change yourself or the one your with in order to be with each other, you just exist together and the rest comes naturally. well just thought id share that little pearl of wisdom while it was in my head!
feeling positive about starting a new cycle and confident that you will show up when you think we are ready for you (and vice versa!) love always, mom.

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Joined: 07/26/08
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note to self

just did some looking into the whole luteal phase length issue that was brought up by fertility friend last cycle. trying to gather info on when uterine lining shed begins (at spotting or at full bleed) because if it's at spotting then i might be having short luteal phases (less than ten days) otherwise they are just on the edge (10-11 days). it seems that B6 can play an important role in this and after some checking my multi vitamin was only 2mg, have started back on the prenatals this month (didn't realize i had grabbed the wrong ones last time) and they are 10mg of B6. with that increase already i am not going to make any additional changes (yet) but will see what happens and continue to look into the matter. at the end of this cycle if still not preg then will be "talking" to dh about starting to get checked out, doc wants him to go for a sperm analysis but dh is, so far, reluctant (he hates doing things solo at the best of times!) might look into the spruce grove health center as they seem to have a great resource set for ttc and preg. will kup!

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Posts: 1419

wow what a beautiful day out today (it's cold but the sun is shining!) i am feeling better about the whole guilt thing mentioned earlier, my friends are GOOD friends who DO understand and love me regardless/because of my 'eccentric' ways (as it has been put to me!), even daddy seems to totally understand, which is so great! the bloating has dropped, back is still a little tender and not really sleeping well but here's the annoying part... why am i still throwing up, bowels have gone back to normal, period was light but had lots of crumblies, hoping that it's just a stomach bug that hasn't flushed yet, will continue to drink plenty of fluids and just see what happens. still doing some core exercises and watching what i eat, next week we do our income tax and daddy has agreed to get me a bathing suit so i can start swimming soon. i am taking the green tea pills again until cd16 and will hopefully pick up some red raspberry leaf tea this week to try and get the luteal phase good and everything. after the u/s on april 13 if we are still not preg then daddy has agreed to start getting med attention on the issue, testing and what not to make sure everything is working right. back in june we made the decision to start trying and began with july's cycle which means we are on cycle #9 of ttc, stats show not to be overly concerned until at least a year as there is only a 20% chance each month even if everything is perfect, so i am calm and trying to go with the flow. have made a deal with dad that he won't argue anything i do (re: ttc) this month if i can stop talking about it for a while! after last cycles weirdness i think we both just need a break while at the same time doing something proactive. we're ready when you are. love always, mom.

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March 13 09

lol it's friday the thirteenth! so for the last couple nights i haven't been sleeping well, lower back is cramping and causing my legs to spasm, it gets really painful sometimes. i am actually really hoping your not here right now as i broke down and took a cyclobenzaprine (muscle relaxer) for the pain, tylenol just wasn't cutting it. think i slept okay last night. moods have been a little erratic but i think it's related to the back pain, i'm just so frustrated that i start to cry for no particular reason lately, and then i'm fine and can laugh at things! going with the flow so far is working but it's the beginning of the cycle so we will see how things go from here, marked days on the calendar for dad so there will be no excuses! love you lots, mom.

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March 14 09

well it looks like this months temps are going back to normal (what the heck was going on before?) from everything i can gather (recently confirmed by posts) it looks like i may have a luteal phase deficiency. with temps being off lately and the u/s scheduled for next month i think i will wait this one out and see what happens then 'tell' the doc that i want a specialist, he is a good gp but this really isn't his field. daddy has a ct (or cat i can't remember) scan next week for the lump in his head, pretty sure it's nothing but it really bothers him sometimes and he isn't happy with the 'it's stress' diagnosis (my doc is his second opinion and sending him for tests that his doc wouldn't) also i finally got my sleep clinic date!!! i go in for an overnight study on may 4 where hopefully they will be able to find out why i wake up more tired than when i went down, why i NEED a nap in the middle of the day and why i snore sooo bad when i do lie on my side, sinuses are fine, etc.!!! i'm so happy it's been 3 years waiting! will be bd'ing this month, happy faces marked on the calendar for dad and he has been 'ignored' lately due to me feeling so bloated and nasty, this month i am feeling much better so *sigh* he can have me!! Wink income tax is next week and i am really looking forward to it, dad said that if it's even close to what we are expecting then i can go shopping! need a swimsuit and some undies, but the big one will be groceries, i know it sounds lame but the house stocks are running very low and i like to keep things ahead whenever possible, it keeps things running when funds are low. so i get to re-stock my kitchen!!!!! and we will be going out for lunch which is always nice, i will have to try and make sure the dishes are done before we go so that i can just enjoy the day. so far so good the 'not talking' about baby thing is working, by writing all the little things down here i seem better able to keep my mouth shut and not annoy those around me too much! after last month daddy needs a break from hearing about it. thanks for listening to your neurotic mom in waiting! love you.

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Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
March 15 09

so for so good on a beautiful morning. woke up really crabby because i set my alarm in my sleep and then just as i was almost back to sleep twylight decided to look herself in the room (she closed the door!) but after a while i got up and i feel good! my elbow hurts like heck as i whacked the bone on the door frame to the patio yest. morn. but only hurts when i touch it on something! cross stitch is going well, ran out of a few colors now (thinking cheapy dollar store kits need to go one thread at a time?) but aunty anna is taking me out tom. to try and get some more and a big kit to do a nice sampler for grandma's birthday on may 6 (figure a month and a half should give me enough time). also, got my library card back (have to pay so it had to wait) and i have wise woman herbals for the childbearing years, by Susun Weed on hold as well as the last harry potter (finally) and some zane grey books on tape for your gr. gr. grandma! i hope that you are able to be here before she passes on, so far she is doing great, will be 97 this year and i would love to call her and tell her that your with us, and send her pics! my cousin misty beat me to the first gr gr grandchild (twice) but i know that gr gr grandma is excited for me to have one as well! she is such an amazing woman and i miss her dearly, don't forget to ask me about her someday as she has really been a wonderful influence in my life (strong, feminine, intelligent, hardworking and most of all independent) for example, at 95 years old she was still living alone, and broke three ribs cleaning out the deep freeze "cause someone had to do it" then later that year she broke a wrist shoveling the walkway "i couldn't wait around for someone else to do my chores for me" what a woman! anyway, wanted to mention that to you so i never forget. love always, and waiting *cough* patiently! Mom.

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Posts: 1419
March 16 09

despite not sleeping anymore it's a good morning! energy is normal but the fog is starting to lift and i feel pretty good about myself today. weight came in at 202 lbs this morning!!! and waist measures 37 inches when i stand up straight!! looking in to getting some colon cleansing stuff today as i am pretty sure ibs (irritable bowel syndrome) is acting up again (i get partial blockage and nothing but the runs and cramps for a while) and i really don't want to take the citromag just yet (purgative/laxative, it makes the bowels cramp to get the stuck stuff off the walls) supposed to go shopping with aunty anna today to get some craft stuff and then we will have a good old fashioned stitch and ***** session! and wed. is going to be a long but good day!!! shop-a-holics beware, competition will be on the loose! daddy has decided that the house needs a few things (clothes, food, etc.) so we are not 'planning' to put any of the income tax refund in the bank, if any makes it in there it will be great though! we are going shopping for new clothes (which we both need really bad) and then i will have to find a vehicle so i can restock the kitchen!!!!! i haven't been sleeping well lately, toss and turn till midnight with stomach ache and twitchy legs from a sore lower back. must start remembering to take a tylenol before i lie down for a couple days. i'm pretty sure it's the weather as it keeps warming up and then snowing and with daylight savings it reeks havoc on my system for a bit. hopefully the sleep study in may will find something useful and get on with life! sleep definitely has an affect on my mood shifts so getting that squared away will hopefully help me stay off the meds for a little bit longer (also don't need to compound it with pregnancy sleep habits! so if i can fix one then i only have to deal with the other!!) well my little one i am off to the shower and get ready to go out for a bit, need to ward off this cabin fever! love you always, Mom.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 19 09

good morning and what a beautiful day it is in deed! did our income tax yest. dad got 5x what he would have normally and we went shopping! still more shopping to do and should have lots in the savings so hopefully we will have a nice house for you to grow up in by this time next year! we are going to have to re-adjust the last three or four years taxes as we were supposed to be filing common law the whole time. thinking it may be a good thing though, the money we will get back should be more than the money that we owe (gst and such) i'm feeling pretty good, thinking i should o any day now (crossing fingers) and if i do that is a good thing, anytime before monday should let me have a nice luteal phase this month. i'm taking pre-natals, b6, green tea (only till i o) and have started a digestion detox until sat. to help with the stomach issues from before (thinking i need a good clean out!) so if all goes well you will have a good chance to show up this cycle (not holding my breathe but it would be REALLY nice!) got to buy a swimsuit, so i need to check on the swimming pass, what cleaner they use (chlorine or ozone) and then start going! also FINALLY got some black out curtains for the bedroom, $50 bucks each but man were they worth it, it's actually dark in there now when we try to sleep! going to bed early and having white walls make it too bright in there for comfort this time of year, also they have a thermal lining which helps keep the temperature more regulated! Aunty anna said that the air conditioner is ours for keeps so this summer will be bearable again, just means that i spend most of it in the bedroom like last year! ordered you some disney movies today, got a mail in deal so we can start building your collection (well okay i want them but "it's for the baby!") so far we only have a couple of kids movies and they are not the classics that i want ('cept for daddy's alice in wonderland, and stitch!) well need to get back to laundry and such before aunty anna comes to take me out for a while. love you always, Mom.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 20 09

crossing fingers for o! cm is starting to look better (creamy and watery throught the day yest.) some pains in my side but they could be bowel. daddy woke me up this morning (heehee!) so he is remembering the smiley faces on the calendar! cd 12 today and hoping for an earlier than not o so we can have a good lp and give you lots of time when you need it! mood is good today (and yest) went out with aunty anna and did some grocery shopping (a light trip to get us through until next week when the tax money is released) doing lots of laundry now that i have some laundry cash. got to see a car on fire this morning. dad went out about 5:50am for a smoke and saw nothing and then at 6:20/6:30 am we went out together and i had to run back in to call 911, one of the cars in the parking lot was in flames! stayed out on the deck to watch the firemen put it out (took them 5 min to get here!) it's a total write off but no one around to get hurt and the cars on either side were not there this morning (lucky someone parked elsewhere last night!) dad says it's a reminder why fire is so important on your insurance, you never know when someone will walk up and light you car on fire when no one is around! well i'm off to start my day, hoping and wishing for you this month, love always, Mom.

ps michelle (step sis) is having a boy so i get my wish, was upset that she got preg with her second as i was supposed to get the crib that my dad bought her. but i want to have the first girl (if you are Jade) and she IS having a boy so YEAH!!! (and if your Joshua then you have lots of cool hand me downs coming? Mich has good taste and dad and her mom spoil the kids rotten!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
March 22 09

crossing fingers for an a SOON, signs look like it should be here today or tomorrow (temp down, ew cm this morning) hoping dad can suck it up to spit some out! his back is really bad this week (muscle cramped in his sleep and undid three weeks worth of chiropractic work Sad ) despite this dad has been good so far about trying to do his part in all of this! i think after the fun and games of the last couple months he is really starting to feel his own version of baby fever! he has said that he is now ready to be a dad and can't wait to see you and start teaching you all of things he wants you to know! basically stuff like watching jackie chan and bruce lee movies, swimming, camping and that good stuff, the booky stuff will be my job! feeling a little tired and moody but nothing unmanageable. was supposed to go for lunch with aunty anna yest but she had to reschedule (her mom was having a bad day and tweaked about the cleaning!) so hopefully we will do it soon. can't wait till thursday to do the groc shopping! should be a two cart trip!!!!! still happy that mich is having a boy (did i mention how happy i am!?!) playing World of Warcraft again to pass the tww, and working on grandma's cross stitch for her birthday. lot's to do to keep me occupied and not thinking about things. well here's hoping that this is the month and that you don't come too close to xmas! but a due date of dec 14 puts you right there with Fucshia's little Kaiya so that would be fun! lots of love always, mom!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
March 24 09

shhh. i think i ovulated!?! temp up this morning but it could be because of the night i had, tossed and turned and didn't get to sleep till after midnight, then had to pee this am an have no idea what time (sometime between 3 and 5 am) but timing would be sooo good if i did! now we just need some more high temps and good strong luteal phase and we might have a chance! two more days till the big shop, i can't wait! and the pool still has the free year pass for low income! now all i have to do is get there (it's a bit of a walk from the bus stop to the pool i want to go to)!! things around here are going great, wishing i had a little more energy for house cleaning but, one day at a time and nothing is really 'behind' except maybe dishes, getting those done today. just one of those days, nothing exciting yet, had snow day before yest and it's supposed to snow again tonight (yeas it's freakin' march and still snowing, gotta love edmonton!) ttfn, will KUP, lots of love always, mom!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
March 26 09

SHOPPING DAY!!! i'm very excited! Aunty anna should be coming over around lunch time and we are going for lunch and then hours of shopping, going to look at every item in the store and do a 'want it, need it, just put it in the cart!' dad has an appt. at 3:30 pm so i hope he's home by the we get back. so far temps are looking good, o at around cd 15 which gives the option of a long enough lp if patterns hold (spot at cd 26-28 which gives 10 dpo) going to try and keep my mind off of it as long as i can so i don't get too worked up near the end! had a great night yest. dad and i went to bingo! didn't win anything but it's been a long time since we went out and did something other than shopping or just dinner. well i'm off to get things done, love you lots, Mom.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 27 09

chart chart chart!! it's looking good, missed this am temp cause daddy woke me up (see further on) and the stupid thing wasn't working right, think i may need new batteries. but on the whole everything is looking good! shopping yest was a blast, 2 1/2 hours in safeway and $1029 later and the kitchen is full!!!! love the gas rewards, filled aunty anna's van for $16!! uncle mike met is at the store and helped push the third cart and load the van, when we got home one bag fell out and broke a jar of salsa (not bad for that many bags to only have one casualty!) however daddy in his infinite wisdom chose NOT to listen to me and tried to clean it up himself, result = sliced his finger open! i got to say i told you so all nigh!! it looked like it may need stitches but i just cleaned it up good, band aid and polysporin and a splint to keep it closed (it is on the knuckle) checked it this am and it's fine just deep but healing well so far! silly man, when will he ever learn to listen to me! he says he does it to make me feel needed and give me a chance to gloat ('i was right' kinda thing!) lol i do love him anyways!! well off to not think about the 2ww, love lots, Mom!

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 27 09 (pic)

this is what was meant earlier by the 'bloaty belly' adding this pic to show what i look like normally!
see march 7 09 post for comparison!

Photobucket

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 28 09

good morning sweetheart! so far it's not a bad one, back is a little sore but other than that... i think i actually slept last night! was soooo tired all day, but we knew this was coming, i cycle weird sleep patterns and haven't been sleeping well lately so a crash was inevitable! sleep study on may 4 probably won't find much but it's a start, diagnosis through elimination! temps up, chart looking good, crossing fingers but otherwise trying hard not to think about it. got lots to keep me occupied lately! i'm loving have the kitchen so full! it's hard though cause i'm not really hungry but 'i want some of this and some of that' lol! it's taking actual effort to 'not' raid the kitchen! nothing much else to report today, going to help aunty anna move some boxes to her parents place, then home and hopefully sleep, tom. might be going to walmart with granddad for a few thing, we shall see. love you lots, Mom.

natesangel's picture
Joined: 07/26/08
Posts: 1419
march 29 09

well here we are again, cd 21 - 6 dpo and crossing are fingers! at this point have no idea what to think so i am trying not too, but man tv sucks lately. every show i watch has baby/pregnancy in it, i'm talking friends, family guy, dad was watching beast master this morning and there was a baby, it's getting ridiculous! getting pregnant this cycle wouldn't be my first choice for a due date but then again i'll take whenever you're ready to show up! i'd be set for dec 14, sharing a time frame with fuchsia and michelle's little ones, but really not a bad time. you'd be far enough away from christmas to have two separate days, but at the same time close enough to be thought of when christmas shopping and getting all the sale prices, so yeah! and with the weather around here hopefully not too cold when we bring you home and old enough to withstand the deep winter temps when we take you out. thankfully i've been keeping pretty busy with shopping (today should be the last day of it for a while!) and stuff around the house and going out with aunt anna (who is doing great these days, i'm so proud of her!) that i haven't really had time to think too much about stuff, but still wishing on a star each night and thinking happy thoughts and all that good stuff. waiting (im)patiently for your arrival, love Mom.

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