Well I wanted to start a journal so that I and my LO can look back and see just how much we went through to bring LO here. But I can never seem to keep up on paper (computer junkie!) so here goes...
My name is Mara, I am currently 29 yrs old, DH is Nathan 28 yrs old. Three years ago we tried but due to medication issues had to put it on hold, I was on lithium at the time for bipolar and had to come off my meds, we lasted 4 mns before I had to go back on med. This time around we are better prepared. Finances are looking good, we survived 4 yrs together without a fight and the love just grows more every day, the best part... we switched meds, tegretol (carbamazapine) is safe to take during pregnancy as long as you adhere to a few precautions such as increasing folic acid. Baby are we ready for you this time! Daddy has always been one of those guys who "didn't want one" but this time around it was his idea! He gets excited with me and for us when things look good, he is even following along with temp'ing! At the time of starting this we are on month 4 of trying, thought we may have had you last month but alas that was not in the cards. We have told everyone that is important to us and sat back and watched as the most unlikely of people have gotten their LO before us (seriously ask me someday and it will shock you!). At this point we are trying to be casual about things, thinking maybe just get really drunk next weekend and see if that helps! Daddy says it may help to grease up that egg! Your granddad is waiting patiently, as he says "all good things come to those who wait" and "stop trying so hard!" lol he's a great guy. Daddy and I have picked out names already (well we did it years ago, but it's all good!) Jade Alexandra Dawn Elizabeth Couture, if your a girl; and Joshua Spencer Orion Couture if your a boy. Both names have history from both family's, that I will be glad to tell you about someday! I have started a family history online, so that when you do get here there will be one started, it's a shame because so many of your relatives have been moving on the last couple years, I want you to have something of them, they were great people whom I miss very much.
Enough sadness, some of the people currently waiting with baited breathe for you are your "aunties" my very good friends; Anna (possibly your middle name sake Annagrazia if I can teach Daddy how to say it!), Her sisters Cynthia and Trisha, friends Sue and Lori and Nicki, my BFF from BC Vicki, your "real" Aunt Suzie (we are TTC together and she will be getting married Oct. 31 which is fri!), I'm sure your Aunty Robin (Daddy's oldest sister) will be thrilled when we tell her. As for "uncles" you have one "blood" uncle and that's my brother Jimmy (he will probably be happy for us, but we don't talk much so don't be surprised if you don't see him much), and one "friend" Steve (met him through Anna but don't see him much!); as for 'babysitters'!! well Nicki's LO Jayden has offered (he's currently 7) and Cynthia's LO Sammy has offered (he's 4!!). Now you have TONS of family on the 'step' side, your Aunty Michelle is very nice and you will listen to her when she is around! She has one little boy Maliki and is currently expecting her second. You will see most of these people often as they will be fighting over who gets to take you for the day!
Right now it's early, your not even a twinkle in my body's eye yet, but you are in our eye's!! Can't wait to see you my LO.
well it's halloween and every where i look ppl are talking about what their kids are going as. honestly, i'm not doing to bad lately, but might heart aches when i see the little ones out with their parents, as much as i'm trying 'not to think about it' the thought creeps up and 'where are you' sets in! your daddy and i are so ready to have you be a part of our lives, our relationship is terrific and we are sooo comfortable with just the two of us, but having you here... okay so it's become total cliche, but i get it now... you would complete our family and bring us the one little thing has been missing. for the time being i've stopped agonizing over your arrival at night and have gone back to dreams of winning the lottery! for most of the day i can either think about other things or at least think about you objectively (mental notes of what items we have and what we still need!) or i come on here, and i lurk some of the other boards, often i find little things that i didn't know about. been meaning to ask fuchsia what BOBB is (i think it's movie?) and what is beta testing, i thought you got a positive, went to the doc and did blood work confirmation and then just went from there, apparently there is a lot to being pregnant that i still have no clue about! at this point i'm scared and excited to bring you here with us. so many questions, so many answers! just know that you are wanted soo much, and not just by daddy and i but by your family and our friends who have so much love to share with you (and have taken to getting me out of the house more often so i think about other things!). can't wait to meet you and your not even here yet. love mom.
well halloween has come and gone and wow am i tired! got to help with little sammy, he was really a good boy and got soooo much candy the the "aunties" all helped him get it to a manageable amount! i had the weirdest dream last night, it woke me up because my brain couldn't grasp the contradiction. you were here little one, i kept getting positive test results and ultrasounds showed you in there, but i had gotten my period so my poor mind was going in circles! it would actually be funny if that were the case as daddy keeps saying you are our little ninja and will probably do something like that! this coming weekend we will be trying again to see if you are ready for us, but for now i am actually doing pretty good. baby talk is down to informative purposes only (people keep asking me or giving me the look, "are you preg. yet?" i am trying really hard not to watch the baby shows that i was (bringing home baby is a good for me because it shows the first two days with new parents coming home! it's given me some great ideas!) and i am holding off on "birth stories" until we know you are on the way! so, i will be picking up the t-shirts this week, one for you, one for daddy, and two for me (a regular, and a maternity) and will have to keep an eye out at the dollar stores for a little ninja! i'm going to put it on a bun and put it in the oven for when daddy comes home to let him know you are here! i know that it's probably a ways away but it makes me feel better to know that things are here and ready when we need them (an annoying little quirk of your mothers that you will get used to eventually!)
well hunny, mommies had her rant for the day and i feel refreshed and ready to make it through another day without driving everyone around me nutty! thanks for listening, i love you already!
alright little one... if this is you then it all makes sense, if not then mommy needs help! been tired and nauseous but thought nothing of it 'cause you weren't supposed to start ill next weekend, however temps are saying you showed up early! maybe? anyway, yesterday had a good cry, feeling really scared that something with me is broken, cried over my ankle, it really is amazing how you don't see the little things even when they are obvious! grief and loss will always catch up with you, don't kid yourself they, they are really good at it! well mommy sprained her ankle last oct and just found out that the ligaments are gone and i am now limited in my mobility, mommy was a walker, hated riding bikes would always walk everywhere (aunty anna's was 32 blocks and i used to walk that on a nice day) so this news is a loss for me, and last night daddy got to hear it all, the fear of him leaving me, the fear about you never being able to get through, and all the other little negaive things that have happened this year. it's been an okay year, but all the little things add up. always feel hunny, even if you don't like it, don't let the little things become lip service without feeling, cause that's what will get you and trust me it's so much easier to cry for a few minutes and feel it now then to bottle it all up and bawl for hours later.
well fertility friend says that you may have come last weekend (that would be cool!) but it was saying next weekend so we will just continue with plans as normal and see what happens! i love you and can't wait to hold you in my arms. ttys.
as suspected the cross hairs went away on fertility friend. had a feeling it was too early for you! so this weekends plans stand as planned, daddy and i are going to have some fun for us and if you decide to make an appearance then great, if not, i'm going to trust things to take care of themselves. yesterday was a decent day, slept late, relaxed for a bit, went shopping (after dad came home and gave me back the bus pass!) found out that i can get the belly dancing dvd from the library when you get here! hopefully it will help things go smoothly! looking forward to picking up the t-shirts this week (just waiting on pay cheques!) thinking that come jan. i might start using my gst's to pick up some of the good diapers (little g are environmentally sound but pricey) so that i can make sure that there are lots here for you when you show up! i've been looking at housing costs and it looks like we may be able to get you a nice home this time next year. we are looking at a recession coming up which should lower prices a little more, and daddy has a good job so we are not to worried about things. despite the attempts to 'not think about it' you are forever on my mind, it's been many years of hoping and waiting and now that i am in a place where you are wanted and welcome and hoped for... well i keep trying to remind myself that i have survived this long waiting, a little longer won't hurt me! might drive me a little batty, but won't hurt! i write these regularly so that you will know that you are loved and wanted, to remind us both on those bad days that there was never a doubt about whether you would be with us, only a matter of when. i sit here daily and watch as others on these boards try for what seems like ages, and when their time comes, they are so blessed and i am truly happy for them because i know the road they took, i was allowed to take some of that journey with them, and i know that when my time comes it will bring joy and hope to others that are following my road. i have taken the first steps to your arrival and wait with bated breathe for your fist steps along this road with us. love always, mom
okay so a few things today, starting with fertility friend and the cross hairs again, it's back and telling me (again) that last week was the "time". driving me nutty, okay so timing works out that you could be here but that's not the point. that said i'm not going to worry about it until next week, if it still says to test for wed or thurs then i will (tests are a buck a pop) and other than that we will continue with plans as normal. got mail from fuchsia yest. she gifted me a fertility rune that she found on the side of the road before she got pregnant! if nothing else it feels like a big hug from her because she wore it for a while and charged it right up!i started a blanket for you yest. as well. i will have to wait to get more yarn before i can do any more of it but it's a good start, and i am thinking about a layette set (i now know that's a hat, mit and jacket set!) but we will see what today brings. let myself think about you yest. to keep myself from going crazy trying not too! well that's about it for today, love you!
well, got a temp spike today, not sure what's going on but at least timing still looks good. looking like a triphasic coming in, if we get a dip in the next couple days then i may let myself get a little excited but for now trying really hard not to think about it! it's not working! yesterday i picked up the t-shirts that i ordered to let daddy know you are here (when you get here!) and i have decided that i will let him know by putting a note on the door for him to look in the oven and then i will have a little ninja coming out of a bun in the oven and i will be waiting in the bedroom with his new shirt! as for the ninja thing, well daddy has been coaching, telling his boys where to go when we are finished! you'll get it when you're older! and he is sure that you are going to pull something sneaky regarding letting us know you are here (so far you are if you are here now!) so he keeps calling you our little ninja, hence the ninja in the oven! i am starting to get car sick and bloated again so i am pretty sure that the post ovulation timing that fertility friend is showing is right, this month i am running a week and a half early, it wasn't supposed to happen until this weekend but apparently it happened last week. it is driving me a little buggy not knowing what is going on, which is of course why i am keeping this journal, i can babble to you and not drive daddy nuts with my uncertainty. the desire for you to be a part of my life has been a long road (21 years at this point) i was never one of those girls who played 'marriage' but i always played 'mommy' i had a cabbage patch doll that i cared for, for years and have been surrounding myself with little ones since i was 8. the closer i get to having you in my arms for real the more nervous i get and excited and frustrated and a little scared. you will always be loved and i hope that you always feel the love that is and has always been bookmarked just for you. you are the most precious little sparkle in my eye and no matter how mad i may seem at you, know that it is at your behavior and not you, no matter how frustrated, or tired or just down i may seem, you are wanted and loved for who you are and i will always try to remember that my feelings are mine and yours belong to you and we are both entitled to them. well that's all for now, i just wanted to make sure that you knew these things, and that by writing them down i fully expect them to be thrown in my face when i forget (because i am sure from time to time i will, as will you!) and it is only fair that you have some defense! love you lots and can't wait to see you, mommy.
well hunny you might as well hear the rant as this is one of the days where you will be spending time with an aunty or grandparent! mommy is having "one of those". woke up early and didn't have time to go back to sleep before everything started, my aish cheque still wasn't in before i had to leave for the doctors, he agrees that the shakes should have stopped with the lithium stopping so we are going to be testing blood glucose to determine if i have intermittent blood sugar issues, then i get to the store and things are going well, the pharmacist showed me how to use the monitor and told me that i needed a 'needle poke sharp thingy' it's a sharps container for the lancets BUT they are free so no worry, went and got groceries (my yogurt was on sale again and i found the only two of the flavor i like hiding!) got back to pick up meds and wouldn't you know it, not only is my cheque not in but i have no medical coverage all of a sudden! GREAT! now i get to sit around waiting for the shakes to build up (it's barely lunch so i am going to wait) and wait for the aish worker to call and tell me that nothing is going to be fixed till monday because the stupid computer takes 2 business days to do anything. daddy is hiding at poppa's playing golf on the wii but told me he is 'on call' if i need him for anything (he's a great guy that way!) so i thought i would rant over here to make myself feel better while i wait, once all the waiting is over i still have to take the van back to aunty anna's (she lent it to me for shopping, she's great that way!) and then find my way back home (i usually bus). ps it's feels like it's freezing outside, i am so bloated that i look about four months pregnant already, i am doing the 'every half hour pee' routine again (happens after ovulation anyway) and i just want to run away for a while, soo... i am going to log off and veg out on the tv for a bit and try to lighten my mood! see, these days are always stupid little things that i have no control over (yes mommy is a bit of a control freak!) and it's no ones fault, but i just need some down time! love you always little one!
alright little one, this has been one heck of a week! one of those where i had to laugh because there was no sense in crying. nothing major happened just a lot of little things that went awry (like driving down the wrong side of the road on wed!) as for my predictions on your arrival, i'm honestly can't say, i'm kind of 50/50 and totally blah zeh about the whole thing. started a blanket for you, then ran out of yarn and couldn't find any more of the color so i found a better color and bought two big 1 lbs balls of it! should have lots now! heard from vicki yest. and things went the way she wanted so big sigh of relief there. hoping to hear from fuchsia today, get to tell her all about the wed incident! other than that nothing much going on today, going to let daddy off the hook till mon regarding our 'fun night' bought some rum and he has tuesday off so mon it is! anyway, love you lots sweetheart!
I thought a little thought of you
and sent good wishes too
One random act of kindness
to change the world at large
If i had made you smile today
the proof is in the grin
A random act of kindness
isn't all that hard!