Thread: Letters to my prospective LO

well i see the doc tom. officially 'not sure' anymore. still getting some post coital spotting (very light as always) fatigued but can't seem to nap, hungry but can't seem to eat much at a time, still bloated, boobs are sore intermittently especially if they are bumped/brushed or dad touched without being careful and slow. still peeing up a storm but smaller amounts in the afternoon or when i don't drink as much (average 2lt a day ish) get fluttering feelings in the early am and/or at night or after doing lots of something (walking/physio, cleaning for at least half hour, etc.) at night is the most active. starting to wonder about all the 'other' things it could be, infection, cyst, something just 'wrong' with that area that will necessitate a d&c. really wish that i could just see inside me and know what was going on. nausea is rare now unless i go outside and 'catch a whiff' of something or think about eating something that i guess i don't want at the time. veins on feet are getting more pronounced and dad can see them on the boobs, one or two good ones on lower abdomen and the inside of my thighs. not looking forward to more blood work after the last time but will go as walk-in on mon morn. (appt are all booked so will have to go early as some tests are 8-10am tests). just tired of the unknown, can't wait to find out what it is once and for all. will kup (keep you posted) Mom.

today is the day for more blood work and to ask the doc for an u/s. so far i am trying really hard to tell myself that the results have been neg so i can't be, however every time i just about believe it something happens to make me doubt again. im so tired of not knowing, of doubting myself and of thinking 50/50 all the time. psychosomatic pregnancy's are rare but they do happen and if im not then i want to know what's wrong with me that i have all these symptoms. they come and go throughout the day, nothing seems constant and i am driving myself nuts trying not to drive myself nuts. sleeping doesn't help it just makes me think even more, everything i do is tainted with this nagging thought in the back of mind all the time. hopefully an u/s will put an end to all the confusion, i will be able to see with my own two eyes the truth of the matter whatever that may be. i am prepared for it to be anything, and nothing all at once, at this point all i want i irrefutable proof one way or another. i am alternating between constipation and diarrhea, nausea and hunger, fatigue and restless energy, bloating and just fat, muscle flutters and the damn butterfly that moved in friday. my mood is relatively good considering the situation but the crazy is starting to where on my last nerves! i keep telling myself that it's just my body upset with me over something and that all will be revealed soon and then i can move on with whatever treatment is deemed appropriate. that's sort of working. okay well i will kup for now im off to NOT obsess some more till my appt.
love mom

saw doc, cholesterol up a little and he booked me an u/s for april 14. doc seems to think thats theres a good chance your here but i am really starting to wonder, it just doesn't feel 'as' pregnant as everyone seems to write about. nipples aren't drastically different, just enough for me to notice (okay and nathan too), boobs aren't sore all the time just periodically, things like that. anyway will wait two weeks till next period due and see what happens now that i am not on the meds for a while. tc. Mom

okay, thought i'd write cause the brain is not functioning these days. the 50/50 not knowing is so hard, i keep pee'ing up a storm, i can't eat anything (or at least much of anything when i find something that i do want) i'm tired but restless at the same time, my stomach is getting a little smaller (had a big waist to begin with) but im not loosing any weight, sleep seems to be sporadic some nights i sleep like a log for 6 hours others im up eery two to pee, my abdomen is flabby on the outside but feels so tight on the inside, my lower back just aches, my extremities are almost always cold (feet especially) i just don't know what to think anymore and wish i could have one whole day where i just didn't think of anything at all. i have been off the meds now since last wed (feb 18 ) and since my moods were starting to shift before then i don't know what to think of it now but it seems to be getting a little more swingy (sad then neutral then happy then neutral) two more weeks then i will either bleed or not and i will test again with a hpt hopefully the tegretol will be out of my system enough to give me a more reliable reading. daddy has started talking to the tummy on occasion, i think he is more certain than i am at times! it makes me feel better to know that i am not the only one who thinks that you may be here, but at the same time i am terrified that it is something else entirely that is causing the symptoms and i am going to let everyone down, there are so many supportive people that want to see you too. i know that everyone will be great no matter what the outcome is but i still can't help feeling that there will be underlying disappointment and judging. i wish for once that i could just shut my mouth and not say anything when things happen to me so that i don't have to deal with the world around me when it turns out that it was all in my head. anyway i have to pee again so i will leave this for today and try to focus on nothingness for a little while. love always, mom.

so i had my first blow up today, or rather melt down. started bawling all over your dad about how scared i am getting, if im not pregnant then what the hell is wrong with me (all blood work is fine apparently) and if i am pregnant then why don't i know it yet? and the whole thing earlier about the disappointment of everyone including me if im not. dad was awesome as always, told me that he doesn't care what happens as long as im okay, and we'll get through whatever it is together! that he's pretty damn sure that i am so it's not all in my head there are more than enough external signs that it could be and that not to worry, he has some of the same questions and the 50/50 gets to him too. he understands why this is so hard for and let me know that he's right here for me no matter what! i love him so much and can't wait to make him a daddy, he's gonna be terrific!

now i'm totally confused, yest woke up with stiff shoulders and had a headache by lunch, went to bed at 7pm then woke up at 4:30am to pee. temp was 36.7 and now ff is saying that i ovulated (of course we missed it cause i've been feeling crumby) aureola's are not dark all the time just most of the time and when they are not they are huge. have not gained any weight (still 204) but have gone from a 36 to a 39 1/2 waist, dad says my butt looks great, tight and tight which is an improvement! still getting little flutters from time to time (once or twice a day) my little bulge has moved from above pubic bone to just below belly button, yest i was so hungry but couldn't eat much at a time so i snacked all day (quarter servings of baked lasagna, bbq peanuts, micro mini choc eggs (too much in one bite and it's gross), au gratin potato chips, then tried to eat a half serving of lasagna for dinner (usually eat the whole thing no prob) and i was so stuffed. still peeing every half hour to hour depending on whether i am sitting or lying down. lower back aches almost all day. have discovered that choc and bbq peanuts taste great! mmm choc covered bbq peanuts! boobs are filling out and dad says that they are wider now (having the surgery last year may have something to do with the aureola, i will have to look that up) i am now cd 20 and looks like od on the 18? according to fertility friend but at the same time i have been sleeping better the last three or four days so that may have something to do with it too (higher temps earlier in the cycle i was sleeping better, lower temps i was having bad dreams and having to get up and pee a lot)veins are very faint and although dad can see them and says that the boob and belly veins are new the hands are fairly normal but the feet are a little worse, this could all be because i am looking for them. still get pukey in the morn if i start coughing but otherwise i just lay down and seem to be fine. 14 more days till i will test again if i don't have a 'normal' period, tegretol should no longer be an issue. bowels are driving me nuts, it's always soft and half the time it's diarrhea, however with my lack of diet lately that could make sense, i just hate being constipated and then having diarrhea. i know i put in a lot of tmi details but it is my hope that this will help either with determining what's wrong if im not, help you if you have issues when it's time or at least help someone else as this is online and others read it too. daddy is so sure now that he came home from work, gave me a kiss and then kissed the belly and asked if you were there! it's really cute and it feels sooo weird! sometimes i get a butterfly right where he is talking and it always feels like it vibrating through the whole lower abdomen! again that water balloon feeling! the bloated feeling is still there but sometimes it's not so bad and i almost think that i'm just getting used to it, but it is still there.
well i guess that's it for now, will keep temp'ing until i get that bfp who knows maybe it'll be good for there to be a temp record from someone who is preg, haven't found one yet! love you lots my little one, Mom.

it's all in my head, it's all in my head, it's all in my head. okay maybe if i say it enough things will go back to normal. i still have no clue either way, half the time i believe i am and half the time i believe im not. the bloating doesn't feel so bad most of the time, the gas seems to help a little, my stomache is getting itchier but that could be hard water. i can't think of what else it could be but i don't really feel preg. a lot of the time, unless i try to bend over or when the gurgles start in that weird way in that weird spot. two more weeks till i have a better idea, temps don't seem to be reflecting anymore but at the same time i have no clue what temps look like when someone is preg. just know that they are supposed to be elevated and not drop, but with the tegretol for the early parts who knows what's going on now. hell for all i know it was all the tegretol and then it was my body readjusting to not being on it and now according to ff it's because im post o. trying to find any other explanation so that i can stop this if it is all in my head. dad was making fun of me this morning, almost made me cry but i don't think he realized it (his stomach was a little bloated and he was cracking jokes that maybe he was preg) all i said was to quit picking on me and let him go with that but if he keeps it up i will not let him off so easily. i'm not saying this isn't tough on him but he's not the one who has to feel it all day long and i have been trying really hard not to talk about anything baby related cause i know i drives him! he is having a bad morn. (no excuse but it happens to us all) and daddy can get a little hurtful when he is in pain (just doesn't realize that what he is saying isn't funny) and it's not like it happens often. just beware if dad's in a bad mood not to take anything he says too personal. well two more weeks of insanity and things should make themselves known one way or the other. i am hoping that it's really simple, the tegretol messed with the hormones causing a weird period and therefore a weird cycle and that since it's gone now i will have a super period, clean everything out and be prep'd for a great cycle next month, the way tegretol interacts with female hormones i am wondering if it is at least partially responsible for why it's taking so long, we know that it affects my hormones since it is the reason i had to go off the pill in the first place. only the shadow knows for now! will cross my fingers and just get on with life (yeah right but at least im gonna try!) love mom.

okay so it was as i thought daddy was actually trying to make a joke but when he's in a bad mood he doesn't realize that it comes out wrong, the joke was supposed to be sympathy pregnancy, he's feeling bloated for me! im in a better mood now so i can see the funny but he has been warned about being careful with those ones in the future (our running gag has been his lactose intolerance which started two months ago)! just wanted to mention this for the record while im still in a good mood! love ya sweetie, Mom.

good morning my darling, well, i woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of calm. still not sure that you are here but finally at peace with whatever will be, will be. bloating is getting worse, as is diarrhea and constipation (it is a rather annoying combination) and we have hit official vomiting to go along with the nausea. beginning to feel strongly that tegretol is out of system and things are going back to normal, the only meds now are the prenatals (which i stopped taking for a bit due to cost) and have never had any problems with them in the past. next thursday should be bleed/test day, i am trying to hold on to this calm to get me through till then. daddy is more and more certain of you everyday and now talks about you almost as much as i do! sorry for the tmi in this entry but the truth is in the details, or so they say, and besides the normal functions of the human body should be nothing to get embarrassed about, just cause no one talks about it doesn't mean it never happens! the frustration... i mean couch! blanket is almost finished, only about 6-7 more rows to go. it is soo warm, same yarn as your blue and yellow one that i started a while ago. i will be starting that one again once we have confirmation of your arrival. keeping you posted as things progress, love always, Mom.

good morning my LO, it's less than a week till my longest cycle and so far more signs of you than of AF. daddy is now talking to the tummy at least once a day asking if your in there! i'm so bloated that it's almost time to look into some new undies (been waiting till i have to buy maternity ones!) temp is still holding per normal for the month and FF is tagging an 81% chance as of today. veins are starting to get more noticeable on breasts (look like red spider webs with blue roads) and feet are very prominent, legs and hands are even starting to show obviously, although more the palms of my hands than the back which is funny cause i never realized there were so many veins on the palm of the hand! only threw up those two days so far but day two was a morning and evening event. so far just up the throat since then. will not complain if i get to be one of those women who don't get morning sickness! started a cross stitch for your first stocking yest. it's very cute and coming along nicely, although i ran out of one of the colors and will have to either go find it (this is a kit) or sub a different color (reindeer head with whit tuft instead of solid head!) the frustration blanket is almost done, need one more ball of yarn and then it's finished. can't wait till next week to test for you again, i'm so nervous but at the same time at peace. i love you and wait (im)patiently for your arrival! Mom.