just fixed up the budget and i will be going to the store shortly to pick up a test and some cinnamon buns (mmmm) not sure how it will turn out and doubt that i will believe it if it's neg but it's worth another shot. had some very light yellow-ish spotting at one point this morning, and the pukes without the belching first so maybe morning sickness is kicking in slowly (either that or last nights chicken wasn't sitting as well as i thought) twylight is getting very cute, she has started rubbing her face gently on my tummy and purring while nudging the rest of my body as usual (she is VERY pushy when she wants something!) and yest while she was rubbing her face on the tummy it felt like a ball doing somersaults. thinking that when the time comes for you to be here that she is going to be the protector of the tummy and your own personal play toy (or vice versa!) feeling tired and restless today as i didn't sleep well at all, couldn't seem to get comfy and my lower back was sore and making my legs jump. grabbed a shower around midnight and was then able to sleep till 4:45 this morn. nothing really new other than that, uncle mike is coming over for dinner (bbg moose strips on kaisers!) and just relaxing from there. will keep you posted as usual, love mom.
good morning sweet heart. temp has dipped a little but i also slept better last night than i have in a while, started sleeping with a pillow between/under my knee(s). have developed a lovely stretch mark around my belly button! spotted a little this morning (first pee, a little orangey, but had diarrhea as well) the diarrhea is starting to worry me a little, but feeling alright and getting plenty of fluids so we shall see what happens, color is still good so i know that i am getting some nutrients. waist has reached 40 1/5 inches, still no weight gain, veins are up to my knees (from the toes). first response test was neg yest but i didn't do it right, there wasn't enough so i pee'd in a cup again (immediately) and dipped just to see before i threw it out (no good is no good but you never know). will wait till thurs, see what happens with bleeding and do the clear blue easy digital that i also picked up yest. uncle mike was over yest, took one look at me and started laughing, said "oh yeah, your preg or at least you really look like it" so i feel better, not so crazy, signs and symptoms now, others can see the veins as clearly as i do, and the bloat and the larger boobs (since the surgery everyone has had a chance to examine size so the difference is noticeable) it's still early but so far just a little nausea. i think i have resolved in my head that if i am i will be one of those few women who just never test positive for the hcg and will have to wait either for the u/s or to be kicked, not that im surprised, i've been joking for years that this was how it would be, just never thought it wasn't just a joke! well, that's it for now, love mom.
okay temp drop this morn and spotting again, i can't be preg, this is really a little freaky cause what else is it, IS it all in my damn head, is there something wrong. will start calling for the u/s to be bumped up tom (looking for a cancellation) and then see what happens. daddy says that im just obsessing too much (entirely possible) but the symptoms have been signs for a while (others see it too, the veins, the stomach bulge, etc.) honestly im not that upset about the whole thing (at least not yet) still no cramping or any other sign of af except temp and spotting. i wonder if this is just the way my body reacts to af without the bc in my system, it's been a year that i have been off and looking at my charts it may just be that my cycle is finally regulating (thought had happened already) as it does seem that the last two or three months have been very similar, same length and luteal phase. oh well, this month i will have to make an effort to get the timing right and see what happens, last month i was feeling way to icky to want to do anything and the post coital spotting has had me a little concerned. hoping that i have been emotional enough the last two weeks that logic will win out on this topic and we can proceed forward with renewed vigor and hope. as always keeping you posted, love mom.
*it's actually march 9 09 today, got days mixed up*
af showed up with cramps from hell this morning. okay so here's the deal in my head, feeling really stupid BUT at least there was others who saw things too, there was something going on. maybe this has all been me regulating from the bc finally, maybe there was an intestinal issue that the doc missed (all the diarrhea) and the abdominal feelings and veins were my body trying to flush something out that shouldn't have been there. i'm not letting it get me down, cycles seem to leveling out nicely, FINALLY, today is the start of a brand new round and besides, i didn't really want to be third trimester during any of the summer here, and really really didn't want a winter child (yest it snowed and today is minus 29) as around here that can cause some serious health issues and a lot more work when needing to go out. also, the best part, midwives are supposed to be getting capital funding next month and i do want a midwife. so we will wait a few more weeks and bd again lots and see what nature has in store for us. i am a little sad but at this point i think it is more that i don't want others to think that i am crazy and obsesses and think less of me, i know that i am not the first woman to go through this, and that my friends love me for me, but i can't help feeling a little ashamed with how i carried on. it is my hope that they will realize that there was something happening and that i wasn't making it up and they will just let it go and let me move on without any hard feelings. on the up side i still have the digital test for when i finally do need to test because there is no af! still going to keep the u/s as it is marked for exploratory (trouble conceiving) and put my mind at ease that there is nothing wrong, and maybe now dad will agree to go do his thing in a cup for the sperm count (doc doesn't want to put me through all the tests until they rule out the easy one to test for) trying to stay positive here, going to lie down as back hurts REALLY bad! love always, mom.
wow what a long night, mommy has not been sleeping well lately and last night was horrible. tossed and turned all night, had to pee lots (think i drank too much water before bed) and woke up stiff. starting to feel better though, did some exercises to stretch out, am renewing efforts to loose a few inches off the waist line, and to cut back on the smoking. patches cause skin irritation, gum caused mouth sores, pills can cause manic episode and cold turkey can cause depression so i am pretty much limited to the ween off method to quit. starting now as daddy wants to quit when he has his week off in june. so far averaging 9-12 cigs a day, starting with eliminating triggers, wait at least half an hour after getting up, and half an hour to an hour after eating, so that i can stop associating those activities with a cigarette. so far so good. also trying to time myself, check the clock when i come in from one (we smoke outside) and wait at least an hour and a half between, have gone as far as four hours if can keep busy and not think about it! right now i think the hardest one will be the "i can't sleep" smoke. i am supposed to get up and do something 'mild' when i can't sleep then try again, currently that includes going for a smoke, will be working on that one shortly, maybe start playing solitaire or something on the computer.
wanted to give you a prime example of how well daddy and i compliment each other, this is a little thing but it's the little things that can make a great relationship! a can of stew; i have always preferred the soup part and not the chunky's, daddy is the other way around! so now when i make stew i take all the liquid and daddy takes all the chunky's and we both feel the we are getting the better end of the deal. it's corny i know but you will find the daddy and i are always enjoying the little ways that we fit together so perfectly. to date 4 1/2 years together and never had a fight (one little spat, lasted ten minutes and the was three years ago!) my advice; communication and take pleasure in the little things; sitting on the couch holding hands to watch tv, helping each other with household chores, making a meal together, being able to find/feel the intimacy in the most innocent moments (a shared glance, the warmth of a smile). a great relationship doesn't take work it takes patience and understanding, and above all the ability to love yourself enough to let others love you for who you are, if you are true to yourself then there should be no desire to change yourself or the one your with in order to be with each other, you just exist together and the rest comes naturally. well just thought id share that little pearl of wisdom while it was in my head!
feeling positive about starting a new cycle and confident that you will show up when you think we are ready for you (and vice versa!) love always, mom.
just did some looking into the whole luteal phase length issue that was brought up by fertility friend last cycle. trying to gather info on when uterine lining shed begins (at spotting or at full bleed) because if it's at spotting then i might be having short luteal phases (less than ten days) otherwise they are just on the edge (10-11 days). it seems that B6 can play an important role in this and after some checking my multi vitamin was only 2mg, have started back on the prenatals this month (didn't realize i had grabbed the wrong ones last time) and they are 10mg of B6. with that increase already i am not going to make any additional changes (yet) but will see what happens and continue to look into the matter. at the end of this cycle if still not preg then will be "talking" to dh about starting to get checked out, doc wants him to go for a sperm analysis but dh is, so far, reluctant (he hates doing things solo at the best of times!) might look into the spruce grove health center as they seem to have a great resource set for ttc and preg. will kup!
wow what a beautiful day out today (it's cold but the sun is shining!) i am feeling better about the whole guilt thing mentioned earlier, my friends are GOOD friends who DO understand and love me regardless/because of my 'eccentric' ways (as it has been put to me!), even daddy seems to totally understand, which is so great! the bloating has dropped, back is still a little tender and not really sleeping well but here's the annoying part... why am i still throwing up, bowels have gone back to normal, period was light but had lots of crumblies, hoping that it's just a stomach bug that hasn't flushed yet, will continue to drink plenty of fluids and just see what happens. still doing some core exercises and watching what i eat, next week we do our income tax and daddy has agreed to get me a bathing suit so i can start swimming soon. i am taking the green tea pills again until cd16 and will hopefully pick up some red raspberry leaf tea this week to try and get the luteal phase good and everything. after the u/s on april 13 if we are still not preg then daddy has agreed to start getting med attention on the issue, testing and what not to make sure everything is working right. back in june we made the decision to start trying and began with july's cycle which means we are on cycle #9 of ttc, stats show not to be overly concerned until at least a year as there is only a 20% chance each month even if everything is perfect, so i am calm and trying to go with the flow. have made a deal with dad that he won't argue anything i do (re: ttc) this month if i can stop talking about it for a while! after last cycles weirdness i think we both just need a break while at the same time doing something proactive. we're ready when you are. love always, mom.
lol it's friday the thirteenth! so for the last couple nights i haven't been sleeping well, lower back is cramping and causing my legs to spasm, it gets really painful sometimes. i am actually really hoping your not here right now as i broke down and took a cyclobenzaprine (muscle relaxer) for the pain, tylenol just wasn't cutting it. think i slept okay last night. moods have been a little erratic but i think it's related to the back pain, i'm just so frustrated that i start to cry for no particular reason lately, and then i'm fine and can laugh at things! going with the flow so far is working but it's the beginning of the cycle so we will see how things go from here, marked days on the calendar for dad so there will be no excuses! love you lots, mom.
March 14 09
well it looks like this months temps are going back to normal (what the heck was going on before?) from everything i can gather (recently confirmed by posts) it looks like i may have a luteal phase deficiency. with temps being off lately and the u/s scheduled for next month i think i will wait this one out and see what happens then 'tell' the doc that i want a specialist, he is a good gp but this really isn't his field. daddy has a ct (or cat i can't remember) scan next week for the lump in his head, pretty sure it's nothing but it really bothers him sometimes and he isn't happy with the 'it's stress' diagnosis (my doc is his second opinion and sending him for tests that his doc wouldn't) also i finally got my sleep clinic date!!! i go in for an overnight study on may 4 where hopefully they will be able to find out why i wake up more tired than when i went down, why i NEED a nap in the middle of the day and why i snore sooo bad when i do lie on my side, sinuses are fine, etc.!!! i'm so happy it's been 3 years waiting! will be bd'ing this month, happy faces marked on the calendar for dad and he has been 'ignored' lately due to me feeling so bloated and nasty, this month i am feeling much better so *sigh* he can have me!! *wink* income tax is next week and i am really looking forward to it, dad said that if it's even close to what we are expecting then i can go shopping! need a swimsuit and some undies, but the big one will be groceries, i know it sounds lame but the house stocks are running very low and i like to keep things ahead whenever possible, it keeps things running when funds are low. so i get to re-stock my kitchen!!!!! and we will be going out for lunch which is always nice, i will have to try and make sure the dishes are done before we go so that i can just enjoy the day. so far so good the 'not talking' about baby thing is working, by writing all the little things down here i seem better able to keep my mouth shut and not annoy those around me too much! after last month daddy needs a break from hearing about it. thanks for listening to your neurotic mom in waiting! love you.