A Little Miracle Desperately Wanted
There were so many hard times that I had to go through in the year it took for my DH and I to conceive our first child. I never would have imagined that the second time around would be even harder. I figure that by keeping this journal and letting some of my feelings and emotions out, I may find some peace in my heart and the strength to continue trying for a new blessing for our family.
Toward the end of our first year ttc dd we learned that my DH had low count and low motility. We were told by a specialist that we had only a 10% chance of conceiving naturally within 2 years. We beat the odds and got pregnant with dd during our 12th month of trying. My pregnancy went very smoothly with no complications and my beautiful daughter, Odessa Alexandra, was born in perfect health on August 7th 2004.
I knew that we would likely have problems ttc #2, so we made the decision not to bother using birth control after Odessa's birth. We were very surprised when I found out that I was pregnant again when dd was just 6 months old... and I was still exclusively nursing her at the time! However, I started having some light spotting at 6 weeks. At 6 weeks 5 days I went in for an ultrasound. I was a little bean in there with it's heart beating... but it was not a strong heartbeat. It was about 108 bpm. It should have been closer to 120 at a minimum at that point. My doctor didn't seem very concerned, but I was worried. At nine weeks I had another ultrasound. The bean/baby was much bigger this time. It had arms and legs, but this time it's little heart was no longer beating. My baby was dead... I decided to wait for the baby to pass naturally instead of having a D&C. I am very happy I did. At 11 1/2 weeks I finally began to bleed and the baby passed 2 days later. I only had heavy bleeding for one week and then spotting the following week. My next af began 26 days after the start of my miscarriage. There was no complications with the miscarriage and we began ttc on that next cycle following the miscarriage.
The miscarriage was definetely upsetting, but I felt confident in that we had been able to get pregnant again so quickly. I figured it may take a few cycles, but surely we would be pregnant again soon.
After a few months passed and we still weren't pregnant I began to get a bit depressed. I had been using a FM the whole time and I knew that we had been timing things perfectly. I also began to get more depressed over the miscarriage. I do want our children to be close together in age. Of course, as the months pass that is going to be less and less a possibility for us. :(
After 8 months of trying we met with a RE. The RE did not seem to think that DH'a count and motility would be too much of a problem to overcome. He also noticed that I was Oing a bit late in my cycle (days 17-23) and said that clomid would help with that. He said that we should do three cycles of clomid, ultrasound monitoring, trigger shot, and IUI.
We are currently on our third cycle following doctors orders. Obviously the first two cycles didn't work. I am now 8 dpo and having very mixed feelings about this cycle. Some days I feel like maybe this could really be it for us, but other days I just know that it didn't work for us...
I am not sure what we will do if this cycle doesn't work. We don't really have enough money to continue with any treatments... when dd was born I made the decision to stay home with here, so without me bringing home any money we barely have enough to meet our basic needs as it is.
So, for the moment I guess I will leave it at that... I pray that this is the cycle for us...