My US was yesterday--2 good follies and a few little ones. The lead is on the left. I am scheduled for IUI tomorrow.
My brother called today to tell me that my SIL is pregnant. He didn't want to make a big announcement and catch me off guard. He said, "last time when we announced, it didn't go how we expected, so I thought I would call you..." I know he was being nice, but that made me feel like crap. Pretty much, I ruined it last time.
I just don't feel hopeful anymore. I feel like this is never going to work.
Called MIL to have her watch Vannah for my appointment. "guess what? Sam is pregnant again!" Steve's cousin's daughter. "are you okay?" She asked.
"I'm okay. When is she due?"
One of these times--I am going to come unglued when someone asks me that. NO. I am not okay. I am mad that this is like mission impossible for us. I am sad that I may never be pregnant again. I am embarassed that everyone has to tiptoe around me because they don't want to upset me. Don't I have a right to be upset? Do I have to just suck it up? Wouldn't you be upset if you had been trying harder than most for 3 years and find out someone got pregnant right when they started trying? Without any medical intervention whatsoever? No clomid headaches, no fighting about the BD schedule or taking supplements, no shots, not vaginal ultrasounds, no stirrups, no speculum? No, I am not okay. Not even close. I am so tired of being asked that question. I am just as guilty, my response is always, "yes" or I cut them off before they ask and say, "I'm okay."
But I am definately not okay--not even close. I am pissed and sad, frustrated, jealous, and hanging on in desperation at the end of my rope. I just overwhelmingly feel that my infertility people are going to tell me that we just need to be done. And I don't know what happens then.
I apologize for being WAY over-emotional. I will probably regret this post later--but I just need it out of me for now.
I'm still hugely emotional today, but not as bad as yesterday. I sometimes wonder about people who read this--do they think I am out of my mind? (I might be...) I am actually a pretty together person--who definately bottles everything up! I have a lot of stomach and digestive system issues, which my mom says is because I am in a highly stressful situation and have been for 7 years. I don't know, I would think that there are people that are way more stressed than I am...but then again, I have a knack for selling myself short, so who knows really.
Honestly, right now my approach is, stay busy and don't think about it. But as I am trying to force myself not to think about it---I am in all actuality thinking about it.
OK--I think I just need to stop writing now, I don't think I am making any sense. We have off school today for MLK day, I am going to clean out my mud room---YUCK. My appointment is this afternoon. I was trying to check out steve's sample (yes, I have semen sitting on my kitchen counter, don't you?) but who knows. It doesn't look as thick as usual to me, but I'm not the one with the microscope, so there's nothing to do but wait.
I hate waiting. I have been waiting for years. I'm sick of waiting.
Had my IUI yesterday. She said that the sample looked "bleak" at first, but it prepped well. I take that with a grain of salt, because the last time I conceived, she said the sample wasn't great. So who knows. He has a cold right now, so the volume was low. I start taking progesterone tomorrow, so the fatigue and "syptoms" will begin. Gotta get to work!
STILLLLLLL waiting. Gah--stinks to wait. Found out my cousin is having his 3rd child in August--they will have 3 that are 4 and under. I'm really tired--so this will be short. Don't get your hopes up about that being a symptom...I already took my progesterone. I just don't feel like I have hope anymore.
I feel like I've been debbie downer on here lately--sorry for that. I'm just aggravated. I know that worse things could happen--and that people have some really terrible situations that they are going through, so I shouldn't whine so much. I have a happy, healthy, beautiful little one, a decent house/stuff, a good relationship with my husband, and a great family. I guess I should quit whining for more--but it's not like I'm asking for money, or a winning lottery ticket, or something extravagent. I just want a sibling for my girl. And a baby/pregnancy for me--I admit that it is for me too. Steve even seems disappointed when they don't work--which is odd for him because he is so good at keeping his game face.
Next Monday is when AF should show. My mom said the other day, "your period just needs to go away for a long time!" No kidding.
Oh yeah--my cousin's wife is pregnant again. She has a 3 year old and an 18 month old. What aggravates me about that--is that was my plan. I wanted to do the 18 months apart thing--and was well on my way until I lost the pregnancy. It's been a crapshoot since then.
Last edited by JulieM; 01-26-2010 at 06:32 PM. Reason: adding in
Nearing the end of the 2ww. I don't know what to think right now. My BBs are really sore today--and I've been having waves of cervical cramping. I get that on the day of AF, but usually not a few days before. Plus--I slept in until 8:30 this morning--but I am WIPED out right now. I am barely keeping my eyes open. I have been toying with testing tomorrow morning--with the cheapy test I have. My thought process is that my fertility place only wants me to test with a FRER--so if I got a positive tomorrow on FMU, I could go buy some FRERs to officially test on Monday's FMU. I don't know--I will likely chicken out--I just hate snow white negatives. I'll have to really reflect on it tonight...
Ugh--the bills are rolling in from my laparoscopy--sucks.
Savannah had 4 year pics--and we got some really cute ones. I need to update my signature--but I am too tired right now!!
I tested on Sunday morning. Negative. Stink. Dumb me--then I went to church with my mom and it seemed like everything was about taking care of life from conception to death--which didn't really help my emotions. I actually was teary the whole time, and then my mom caught eyes with me--and I lost it and had to go in the bathroom and sob. We left after that.
AF hasn't shown yet--but I think it is just this progesterone pushing things off. Plus, last cycle she showed in the evening--so she will probably come tonight or early tomorrow. That stinks because we are going on a trip--and it will be be hard to try IUI next cycle if it doesn't start today.
I am trying to put it all in perspective. I just found out that a friend has bone cancer and will have to have chemo---so that helps me realize that worse things could happen. This experience is making me a stronger, more patient person. Right?
AF came in full blast last Tuesday night. We left town on Wednesday, so I am just now updating a week later. Because it came so late--we are not doing IUI this cycle. I could not have gotten my meds and stuff before we left--and it was nice not to have clomid headaches during the whole trip. I am kind of glad to take a cycle off. So....looks like November is out--looking for a Christmas miracle, I suppose.
I feel like I've just been complaining on here-so I have been taking a break from posting. Timing didn't work out when we were out of town--and I have been having issues with yeast infections lately---not conducive to TTC. So, I'm trying to get everything together. I have another pregnant cousin-in-law, who has been complaining about how sick she is in her first trimester and actually posted, "this thing better be worth it." I'm not going to state my opinion on that.
So, I am here--and trying to not whine so much.