A long and complicated journey--hopefully to baby 2

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A long and complicated journey--hopefully to baby 2

I don't even really know where to start this. Seven years ago--my husband and I started trying to have a baby. After a year of frustration--we did the "infertility" workup. I have to put that in quotations--because it isn't really infertility--more like subfertility. If I am truly infertile--that would mean it is impossible to conceive, right? IE--inable-means NOT able, inappropriate-not appropriate. Anywho--I had 3 IUIs with clomid with no luck. Then, my OB did an HSG--where they inject dye into your tubes and take X-rays. I had a blockage on the left side that was flushed out. Ten days later--I had an IUI--and 2 weeks after that--an amazing BFP. My daughter was born in January of 06.
We never really used any prevention after she was born. After her first birthday--we started to seriously try on our own for a while. Then, we went back to clomid and IUIs. After just 2 cycles--I had another BFP and was thrilled. Unfortunately--at 8 weeks--I had a miscarriage. It was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me. It began on September 11th--making a terrible day even more terrible. We had 2 more IUIs and then took a break. We had 2 more later--and a break. Last spring--4 more IUIs. My doctor wanted to do a repeat HSG--we even had it scheduled--but my insurance company said that I couldn't have a second one. You only get one per lifetime. (which makes me wonder--if I get cancer, will I only be allowed chemo once--even if it comes back later? Insurance policies make no sense when it comes to infertility) After awhile--my OB talked me into a laparoscopy where he could "blow out" my tubes during the procedure.
That was yesterday. He said that I had some endometreosis--and that my right tube was clogged, but he blew it out. I will meet with him soon to go over everything. I don't really have any answers right now. I have stitches in my bellybutton and just above my pubic line. (and the only bandaids that are in my house are Hello Kitty--so imagine how ridiculous that looks at my hairline...) I also have a really sore shoulder--yikes--that is the worst part about it! It hurts more than the incision site or anything in my pelvis. Plus, I am super bloated--and feel like I am about 4 months pregnant because of the bloatedness.

I want to start this journal--because I need an outlet. Even if nobody ever reads it--I just need to get some of my thoughts out. My mom is amazing--and so is my husband. I talk to my friends a bit--but these are ladies who have had 3 kids in 4 years and 2 kids in 2 years--so as sympathetic and empathetic as they are--they can't really get it.

I just am at a place of the unknown--it's such a weird place right now. I'm also a big fan of adoption--and would love to adopt a child of color and have a multi-racial family. But I also long to be pregnant again--and go through all the changes that go with it. I'm just really conflicted.

I'm also starting to feel so old! I'm 34--and a friend from high school/college just posted pictures of her first GRANDCHILD on facebook. That is freaking me out. I'm trying to have a baby--and she has a grandchild. It's crazy.

We'll see what happens from here--my infertility place suggested IVF--but my insurance doesn't cover it--and we can't afford it. So I am curious to see where we go from here.

And here is a sidenote--I haven't read enough of the health care bill to have an opinion on it--but so many people say, "I don't want bureaucrats in Washington making health care decisions for me!" But my response to that is--who is making your health care decisions now? My doctor had to do a more expensive surgical procedure because my insurance company wouldn't pay for the procedure he wanted to perform. Would Washington bureaucrats be any worse than insurance company bureaucrats? Just wondering...

I will post as soon as I know anything. I've got a kid in the tub--and I don't think I can get out of cooking 2 nights in a row--stitches or not!

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Okay--well babygirl doesn't want to get out of the bath--dinner is stewing, and I'm not supposed to be doing anything anyway--so may as well blog some more, right?

I'm feeling all philosophical--maybe the weird music that is repeating again and again on Vannah's Mermaidia DVD menu--maybe the Darvoset that I am on for pain--maybe there will be full moon tonight--who knows.

As I was cutting potatoes--I was thinking about which is worse, primary or secondary infertility? I've been through both. I guess I have a skewed perspective on primary though--because I beat it and had a child. Primary was horrible--I constantly thought about "What if I NEVER have a child? What if I am NEVER pregnant?" So with secondary I know that worst case scenario--I have a beautiful and amazing daughter. I know what it is like to feel a tiny foot under my ribs, and a baby hiccuping all the time--and what it's like to coexist with another human in the same body. It is amazing and unreal. But then again--that is part of what sucks about secondary infertility. I do know what it is like--and I know what I am missing out on! I want to go through all of that again--now that I know what to expect and can just enjoy it without looking up everything I feel on the internet because it scares me. I want to have that, "oh yeah, I remember this" feeling. So which is worse? I don't know--they both are horrible.
Honestly--having a miscarriage is the worst of all. Feeling the joy and thinking about the tiny baby in you and all the dreams you have for him/her--and then seeing it come out....it's horrible. I didn't know what to do when I passed the "product" as they call it (isn't that terrible?) --I couldn't flush my baby. I scooped it up with a plastic bag and buried in my backyard. Is that weird? Seriously, is it? I didn't know what else to do, and the only other options I could think of were flushing or throwing it away--and I couldn't get myself to do either of those. So, it's under a tree in my yard--10 feet or so away from my dogs that have died. I don't know--maybe it is all too weird.
I had a blog that detailed the entire thing--conceiving--miscarriage--loss--all of it. But apparently the company that owned the domain went out of business and everything is gone. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason--maybe that had to happen so that I don't hang on to the raw emotion and pain that was in my posts at that time in my life. Maybe going back to it every May when my due date came wasn't healthy for me--and wasn't allowing me to heal. Maybe it needed to be gone from my life, so I can mentally move on. But I am kind of hacked that everything I wrote about Savannah was lost along with it. Maybe a higher power knew I would never let it go--it just had to be erased. See--I am way to philosophical right now.

What to do if a friend is experiencing infertility--

~Don't act like you know what they are going through unless you actually have been through it. Trying to make connections is great--but it is infuriating when you have tried to conceive for 2 and a half years or more and someone is trying to compare when it took them 3 cycles to conceive instead of "getting it" first try. Until a doctor has looked you in the eye and told you that the diagnosis is "infertility", you can't relate.

~Ask about it at good times--or email. If you aren't close enough to know where someone is in their cycle--keep your mouth SHUT in person and in public. It sucks when I just had an unsuccessful IUI--and I'm on CD 1 and am all hormonal--and somebody wants to talk about why I don't want any more kids, or am I still trying. Emails are so much better--because I can reply when I am ready and I am not put on the spot. And don't ask in front of a bunch of people either--that's the worst.

~If you want to tell an "infertile" friend that you are pregnant--seriously think about calling or emailing in advance of any big surprise announcement. She will keep your secret--don't worry and then she doesn't have the shock to deal with--or the guilt.

What guilt? Here is an example--a family member with a newly one year old says, "while we have you all here..." and I immediately know what is coming. I'm trying to figure out where to look, "we're going to have another baby." AND everybody looks at ME to see my reaction. That sucks. So I am trying to fumble out something and can't find a place to look and get out a "when are you due?" Everyone looks back, but keeps glancing at me--my husband starts rubbing my shoulders--so my eyes well up. I'm not going to cry in front of the whole family, so I dart off to the bathroom, where I try to keep my sobbing silent and pray that there is visine in the medicine cabinet so I can "get the red out" when I calm myself down. That's the guilt--now I feel guilty knowing that everyone was more worried about my reaction than the actual good news and that I spent the first moments of knowing that I was getting a new neice or nephew crying my eyes out in the bathroom. That's the guilt that could be avoided. I feel guilty that an announcement about their family gets made into a moment that is all about me. Even though I didn't bust out the tears in front of everyone--the minute I left the room, they started talking about me. I hate being the "ruiner" of happy moments.

~Don't ever talk about how someone must be "really fertile." That is so annoying. Sososososososo annoying. Say--she is really lucky, or they are really blessed, but "really fertile" is really hurtful to those who are not. And what is "really fertile" anyway? I usually double ovulate, have a "textbook" cervix, and have amazing cervical mucous--but I am still not "really fertile." I think luck, science, and the big guy upstairs have a lot more to do with it.

~Don't forget about male factor! Half of infertility is male factor. In our case--we have male factor and my clogging issues--which makes us even worse off. But everyone assumes it is the woman. And--on the same lines---DO NOT TELL ME TO RELAX AND I WILL GET PREGNANT! That deserves a ninja kick to the head. Me relaxing is not going to improve my endo-- and it's not going to thin out my husbands fluid that is causing his sperm to have low motility. I hate when people tell me to relax--that has nothing to do with it--some of the most uptight people I know get pregnant after 1 or 2 cycles--and trust me--they were not at all relaxed about it!

Okay--that's all I have for now on this topic--I feel like this isn't a very good ending to this post--and tomorrow I will probably read over this and see how all over the place it is--but that is just what is going through my head right now. Maybe because I am feeling like everything is in limbo right now--maybe my brain is just in limboland too. Maybe I am crazy--who knows? (well, I am definately crazy--how crazy is the question) Wait and see, wait and see, wait and see.

Another think that happened--and remember, I think everything happens for a reason--is that I met this amazing family that so inspires me. Mom has diabetes and should not have biological children. They adopted 3 children of color--adorable twin boys and a cutie little girl. They came into my life a few years ago--and she has given me so much information. My biggest issue with adoption has always been cost--and she explained how they paid nothing because their children are considered to be "special needs" just because they are black. (ridiculous--yes, but beneficial to me) I teach in an urban school--and honestly--race matters very little to me adoption-wise. I don't have to have a child that looks like me--I would want to be open with my child about being adopted anyway. So I find myself thinking about that---is that the path I am supposed to take?

Maybe I am just immature--maybe I want a higher power to come in and just tell me what to do, like when a child wants an adult to just tell them answers because they don't want to actually think about it. I don't know. (Like with making dinner--sometimes I wish my husband would just say--make this for dinner--and I wouldn't even have to think about it) Or maybe I'm pulling a Scarlet O'Hara on it, "I'll think about it tomorrow...." I'm just trying to figure out what I am supposed to do now, where do I go from here? I guess I should make my follow up appointment with my OB-GYN and then go from there. Questions, questions, questions, without any answers...

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I don't have much to talk about tonight--but had a few minutes. I'm getting much better each day--the late afternoon hits me kind of hard each day. Just a lot of heaviness, really. My bloating is getting much better!!! Today was my first day without a nap-big girl, right? I scheduled my follow up for next Monday-I was trying to get in this week--but he wasn't available. My body is all confused, I think--it seems like my period is trying to start--but it's only CD 26--and I am always 28 days at least. I think it's just all out of whack. We'll see what happens with that. Vannah has been really good through this--every time I put an ice pack on my belly, she wanted one too! We went grocery shopping on Saturday, and halfway through I was hurting--and she kept bending down to get things and helped unload the cart. She's usually a little stinker at the store--so I was so proud of her.
I'm really still just waiting for the doctor's appointment--and trying to get all my systems back to normal. My digestive system has been rebelling through all of this--it doesn't like trauma.
We were at my in-laws and Steve was talking to them about everything. My father in law kept asking, "so what does this mean?" I don't know what he wanted as a reply--I told him--I have not a clue until I talk to my OB-GYN... It was odd.
I'm hoping that we can start trying next cycle--that would put us at over a month for recovery and healing, which should be sufficient. We'll see.
I'm tired--so off I go to bed! Sorry for a pointless post and abrupt ending!

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Went to the ob-gyn today. He showed me lots of pictures of my insides--a cyst or 2, some endo--the dye pics. He said we should have 4-5 good cycles of trying. I'm in a crappy mood tonight, I think--I am just feeling really pesimistic. I mean, seriously, we have been trying since Savannah's first birthday and she's almost 4.... He took out my stitches--yowch--seriously painful! Plus they all started bleeding and it got all over my pants! My next cycle will start in about 3 weeks. I am just in the worst mood tonight--I don't know what my problem is.

He said I have a "beautiful pelvis." Doesn't every girl dream of that?

Okay--and here is me being pissy. Before my surgery he looked at me and said, "I'll say a prayer for you before I start." Now--I am actually fairly religious--and go to church every week, and I know he was just trying to be thoughtful....but I bit my tongue because I almost blurted out, "or--just don't botch my surgery!" I don't know why that bothered me--I guess I feel like I can do the praying--you take care of the science part, guy! Maybe I just can't handle my religion and science being mixed!

Hopefully I won't be so pissy next time I write! Sorry!

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Much better mood today--which actually makes for more boring reading, right? Everybody loves drama...

Had conferences the last 2 nights--so today is my comp day--I REALLY wanted to sleep in--by Vannah has a cold and woke up coughing at 6:30. I got her to watch Tom and Jerry in my bed and dozed for a bit--but she kept coughing and waking me up. Oh well--I was able to get tons done. I cleaned the house and worked out--so now I feel entitled to play on the computer for a bit. (or hours--more likely) It's a beautiful day here--November has been balmy. October was the wettest on record, and now we may have a new record for latest hard freeze. I'm not complaining on that one, it's nice to have my windows open a little.

Vannah is off her antibiotics again--and I'm a little shakey about it. I just always have surgery in my head--I really don't want he to have surgery. She has double collecting systems on both her kidneys--so she has a total of 4 urerters when you should only have 2. They are close to one another--which causes the one-way valves to malfunction sometimes and backflow. This causes bacteria to travel from her bladder into her kidneys. It's called urinary reflux. Her urologist thinks she has a mild-moderate case of it and that she will outgrow it. She was on antibiotics for a year--tried coming off--got an infection, went back on for 5 months, and has been off for a few days now. If she gets another infection, he said he will have to decide if she should go back on meds, or have surgery. So, I am hoping and praying for no infection. She also has a huge bladder--so she can hold her pee--FOREVER. The other day, she went at 8 PM, and didn't go until NOON the next day. Her daycare teacher called me and had me come down, because she couldn't get her to pee. She finally went--it must have been a half gallon. I have actually been VERY graphic with her about how if she doesn't let her pee out, she will get really sick and need surgery. It helps that I just had surgery--she asks, "Will they put a needle in my hand? Will they have to sew me?" So she has been much better about peeing---at least for now.

We also had a HUGE milestone. Vannah has been sleeping with a binkie all her life. I have tried taking it from her repeatedly--but EVERY time she starts sucking her thumb. I would rather have her suck on a binkie than her thumb. So she finally outgrew her need to suck--and the Binkie Fairy came to our house. Vannah collected all her binkies in a fancy bag, and the binkie fairy brought Swan Palace to her. I wasn't going to get anything big for her--I was thinking just a Barbie--but I am so glad I caved and got something big! There have been a lot of nights where she says, "I want my binkies back!" So I tell her, "okay, but the binkie fairy will take Swan Palace back..." and then she changes her mind. In a MILLION years, I never would have thought that I would let my child have a binkie until she was almost four-(even just for sleeping)-but we live and learn, right?

Steve has been working overtime--so he isn't getting home until around 7:15 lately. I feel bad that he is working so much--but it is REALLY nice to be able to come home and have some time to myself. His start time has been later for the whole school year--which means we are together in the morning. I love my husband--but we have serious morning issues--he likes to play around and bump into me or intentionally get in my way...and I am so NOT playful in the morning. I don't even like to talk in the morning. Funny thing is--Vannah is the same way--and she just gripes, "daaaaadeeeeee! no thank you!" So having the evening to myself is making up for that a little, although I would prefer the morning.

I asked my doctor about going to my fertility place next cycle, and he said, "well, maybe you won't have to..." He is way way way more optimistic than I am, I think. I would love to be wrong this time, though. We'll see.

That's all I have for now!

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Well...the cold is actually strep throat. Nice. We went to the doctor today--she started running fever friday night---but her urine was clean, so I wasn't too worried. (sad that I can tell if she has a uti just by looking at her urine--no microscope or test required) We went in and the doctor seemed to think she had h1n1--she had her vaccine about a week and a half before all this started, so her immunity wouldn't be fully up yet. She gave me the "wait it out" schpeel, but wanted to swab her for strep just in case because she had some red patches in her throat. It came back positive right away. She is on antibiotics--and already is acting like her crazy self again. But she is still clingy--and wanting to be in my bed. Not good for TTC...Steve has hockey tonight anyway, so I told him to take her to bed when he gets home.

Geesh--if it's not one thing, it's another. I feel like she has been so medicated in her 3+ years. Between ear infections and utis--I thought we had the gamut covered, but nope--add strep to the list. Funny thing is, I have never ever had strep. My brothers would get it really bad--one had to have a shot to get rid of it a few times. Guess she got this from her daddy.

So we're back for work/school for one day this week, and then out for TG break! Tough week!

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Ahhhh Thanksgiving. Of course, I asked and asked my mom to decide what time she was doing dinner--and she procrastinated and procrastinated. (I love my mom to death--but she is REALLY a last minute person) My mother in law kept asking and then decided they would eat at 5. Next day, mom tells me she's doing dinner at 5. Nice. So we went to my mom's for an hour or so, and went to inlaws to eat.

In my old blog, I complained a lot about my sister-in-law, Steve's sister. She is the youngest child-and just drives me crazy with her sense of entitlement and egocentric way of thinking. But--all in all--I don't dislike her--she is tolerable--and we do stuff together from time to time.

OK--on to the next SIL. Steve's brother married her when Vannah was 6 months old. His brother reminds me of Cameron from Ferris Bueller's day off:

"Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like ***, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ***. It just doesn't work. "
That pretty much describes him to a T--he always went after the cutest girls, but they never wanted to date him. Then, he gets together with Lisa. He really is like her puppet--he does whatever she tells him. He has dropped all of his friends and hobbies.
Sooo-bottom line-this is a chick who is used to getting her way.

PLUS--I have always been leary of her because she is SOSOSO fake. You could tell her that you stepped in dog poo and she would say how wonderful it is. BUT--behind your back--she would complain about how horrible it is. Example--Steve's other sister has some issues and tends to make up stories. She always talks about how she is going to have everyone over to her house (she lives a few hours away), but everyone knows it will never happen. She was talking about needing to get something fixed in her baseboard heating. Lisa says, "now, tell me about baseboard heating, how does that work?" OK--really, do you really want to know how it works? AND do you really think she can explain it to you? Then, his sister says, "I would love to have everyone over for Easter, would you come?" Lisa replies, "of course we would, we would love to come over!" Again--I'm calling bull**** on that! Lisa skips half of the family gatherings as it is--I guarantee she will never go to steve's older sister's house.

All the fakeness annoys me--but I mostly just ignore her. Until last night....

Savannah was playing with her cousin Daniel who is almost 2, and Sam (lisa's son) who just turned one. Vann would start playing with something--and Daniel would immediately want it too. Vannah was on the computer in my lap--and Daniel wanted to come up to. I was reading to Vann, and the minute she got up to get a book, Daniel dove in my lap and laid back to block her from sitting. I'm not judging Daniel or his parents on this--it's just his age--totally a normal thing for him to do. He thinks Savannah is cool and wants to be part of everything she does. Sam and Vannah weren't really around one another much. I am usually the babysitter on this side of the family--all the adults sit around the kitchen and chat--and I am with all the kids in another room.

After dinner, I went in the kitchen, but was sitting in the doorway to the family room where the kids play to keep an eye on things. Lisa went in and sat at the coffee table with her back to me. She put some blocks on the table. The other kids were at the table too, and Savannah took some of the blocks and put them in a bucket that she had been collecting things in. Lisa put some more on the table, and Vannah reached to take some more. Lisa pushes her hand away and in a nasty tone says, "STOP taking Sam's blocks! I got these out for him to play with, not you! Everytime he wants to play with something, YOU take it away." Savannah wanted the long blocks, and started saying, "but I want to play with the big ones..." Lisa cut her off and leaned over in her face and, again, in the nasty tone with a raised voice said, "I DON"T CARE what you want. I am NOT getting them out for YOU. You can't take all the toys away from Sam!" Savannah walked away and sat on a stool with her head down.

Now--I am not saying it was right for Vannah to take the blocks. From where I sat--it didn't look like she was taking ALL the blocks--but I was 8 feet away. I have no issue with Lisa telling her not to take the blocks from Sam, or making a pile for Vannah, or anything like that. Vannah was wrong and I admit that. BUT----Lisa had absolutely NO right to talk to her like that. Her tone was awful and she was almost yelling. If Savannah was doing something so bad that she needed to be spoken to that way--then Lisa should have called me in to take care of it. I would even understand more if Vannah had done something to hurt Sam or if he was crying or acting upset. But it was SO over the top. I called Vannah in and we found something different to do.

Later--Vannah threw a fit and we almost had to go. She got it together and we came back out. Steve said something to me about it, and I replied, "she's just having a hard time because whenever she plays with something the little guys want it." I was speaking to Steve, and was refering mainly to Daniel. Lisa comes around the corner from another room and snaps, "well it goes both ways, she took things from Sam too." Seriously, I didn't even acknowledge or look at her. Everybody starts in with "oh, kids will be kids" and "it's not big deal" and stuff to diffuse the situation. But I am STILL pissed. I wanted to say, "I wasn't actually talking to you, and when your child took things from mine, I didn't get in his face and yell at him." But I bit a hole in my tongue instead. I talked to Steve later--and he said next time don't hold back because she is being ridiculous.

She also wouldn't let my MIL--who was hosting the party--sit in the kitchen chair next to her because she was saving it for her husband--who was in another room playing with the kids and didn't even eat until 30 minutes later. She's just on such a power trip. And what irks me is that Steve's family is very outspoken--but nobody will stand up to her! It's ridiculous.

Maybe I'm just oversensitive--but I am not going to allow her to talk to my child like that! I am back and forth on what I will do. I am debating about emailing everyone and saying--let's have a new rule--no yelling at other people's kids. Or, I may let Steve bring it up--he will be much more calm than me. We'll see--but it's gonna be on like donkey kong if she keeps this up! Plus, she is pregnant--so I am waiting for that card to be pulled as an excuse. Honey--being pregnant doesn't give you the right to be a psycho bia to children!

So--that's our Thanksgiving fun. I almost left when she started in on Vann. Drama drama.

My period should be coming around next weekend. I've been working out more often lately, so that's good. I have to do some more online shopping--so I am through for now.

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Okay--random copy and paste--this is from a facebook thing that I was sent--just thought I would put it here too.
25 Random things about me:
1. I used to be painfully shy. People who know me now usually think I am joking when I tell them that. I outgrew it at the end of college, but fall back into it pretty easily in certain situations.

2. Being shy taught me to be comfortable with silences--even awkward silence. Awkward silence is one of my favorite teaching tools--it pushes my kids out of their comfort zones.

3. I take a really long time to form an opinion of something or someone. But once I make up my mind there is no changing it.

4. Everyone sees me as outspoken, but I don't discuss things that are really important to me.

5. I love teaching in the city--it is challenging, exciting, and sometimes aggravating---but it pushes me to be more creative, compassionate, and innovative. I would be bored teaching in the county. I feel like I really make a difference in my students' lives and truly impact them.

6. My daughter is my WORLD. She is everything to me.

7. Having a daughter made me really appreciate my mom. I can't tease her as much about the dorky things she does because I do them now too.

8. I DJed at a roller skating rink in college and I really liked it--it was fun. I worked at Rollercade in high school.

9. I miss playing ice hockey--but cannot deal with the late night ice times. Ice hockey is way more fun than roller hockey.

10. Middle school and high school were TORTURE for me. I felt like Julie-Oddball. If it hadn't been for poms--I don't know how I would have gotten through it.

11. I have learned that you can't make anyone do anything.

12. My high school boyfriend died in a car accident when we were 20 and it really messed me up for a long time.

13. I talk to myself. A lot. Not pep-talks in the mirror or anything--just thinking outloud and trying to remember stuff.

14. I do not have my times tables memorized. I aced trig and calculus. It aggravates me that some teachers think fact memorization is so important. ( I know x0, x1, x2, x5, x10, x11--that's it)

15. I start my day off with a coke and a smile.

16. I love totally innappropriate teenage boy humor type movies. I know I shouldn't--can't help it. It's my goofy brothers' fault!

17. I adore my little brothers--they totally get me.

18. It annoys me that people will ask others about having kids (or more kids) without hesitation. It's such a personal topic--and can be an extremely emotional topic.

19. I can't stand people who live in a bubble. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

20. I want to adopt a child of color and have a multi-racial family someday.

21. I am ambidextrous. I write with my left, use scissors and tools with my right. I draw, paint, eat, and do other things with both--without really thinking about it. An art classmate pointed it out once to me--I didn't realize I did it before that.

22. I can still put both feet behind my head. Flexible hips made for a quick and easy birthing experience!

23. I am a one person friend. My brother is one of those people who has a boatload of close friends--and it's a completely foreign concept to me. I just can't wrap my brain around how it works.

24. I hate when people take on someone else's opinion and can't back it up. Someone once said to me, " I am voting for him because my dad told me to..." and I wanted to ninja kick her in the head! Make up your own mind--you have a brain in your head--use it.

25. I am always well-known, but not popular--meaning--everyone knows who I am, but everyone doesn't neccessarily like me! I am completely okay with that. Smile

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dp sorry

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AF is due saturday--then the circus begins again.

Vannah told me last night while going poo--"momma, why does my poo have to be brown? Why can't it be purple?" Seriously....purple is her new pink these days. In a million years I would not have thought I would have such a girlie girl.

I'll keep you posted if anything happens!

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double post--sorry

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I'm an emotional freak show today--so I am fairly certain AF will show up right on time tomorrow. I had a slight glimmer of hope that I wouldn't have to go back in for IUIs, but that's just me being wishful.

Blah--I'm in a terrible mood right now--so I will keep the whining to a minimum!

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I think I counted wrong and AF is actually due today--sunday. She hasn't shown yet--but she's coming. Soooo.....I have to make the dreaded call to schedule all my foolishness. Blah. Every one that I work with for infertility is really sweet and wonderful--but I really do hate calling them.

Vannah told my mom she has a fat bootie today. Wow.

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I don't have a clue what is up with my body right now--today is CD 29, and no sign of AF at all yet. I am so crampy and have been since Friday. I am trying so so so so hard not to get my hopes up. It's good if it doesn't show until tomorrow--that would put my IUI during winter break so I won't have to take off. I keep going to the bathroom waiting for AF, but nothing yet. But I don't see how I could be this crampy and bloated without AF coming.

So---waiting sucks--we'll see what's going on in 24 hours. Most likely I will be full flow by then.

GAHHHHH---I hate waiting.

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Okay--AF came the other day. So today is CD 3. I am starting clomid today--my favorite, so I know I will have a splitting headache all weekend. I'm just hoping and hoping and hoping that this is the last time we do this. That would be the most amazing Christmas gift ever.

I love Christmas--but all the hoopla beforehand is crazy! Work parties, one of my friends is having a party, it's all so crazy. I am skipping all of it this weekend and taking Vann to see the Princess and the Frog and maybe to the zoo for Wild Lights. I feel like I am being a jerk--but oh well, I want to spend time with my daughter, not ditch her off with a babysitter so I can hang out with my friends and coworkers.

So---that's my big plan this weekend. Smile

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Okay--I made it through the clomid headaches and wacky hormones--I hate being on the verge of tears for ridiculous things. Saturday is my US to peek at my follicles--I am hoping for 2 biggies--but we'll see. Usually on my first round of clomid, I only have one. This is a crazy busy week--so it has kept my mind off things somewhat. Tomorrow is my last day before break--then I will have 17 days off! That will be my entire 2 week wait--so I am sure I will be all neurotic about it. I will update soon!

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Here's a prayer sent by a friend that I like:
Father God, Thank You for always being there for me no matter what I face. I know You will never fail me, even in my most intense trials. I have not always understood why I was going through certain things; however, I do not have to understand, because You are God and You are in control, in spite of my lack of understanding. I know that all You require of me is to trust You, and look to You in faith and You will come and save me, and bring me an answer. You always have, and You always will, because You are faithful. You never fail any of us who look to You. I have failed You, Lord, by my doubt and unbelief at times, but You have never failed me. Lord, please remove all the sorrow and grief I feel. Heal this pain I feel in my heart and help me to trust You more. Fill this empty place in my heart with more of Your Spirit. I ask this in Your name. Amen."

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Okay--so my ultrasound was Saturday---I had 2 big follies and 1 small one. (28, 22, and 18) She wanted to do a double IUI since everything is cleaned out right now--so yesterday I had my first one, and this morning I am going back in for a second. We have never done a double before----I just am hoping and praying so hard right now that it works!! I had "amazing" mucous, she said. Steve's sample was about what it usually is--when it is awful, she tells me. I'm trying so hard not to completely freak out about it right now. I lay in bed at night trying to physically will my little eggs down to the tube... All 3 eggs were on my right side--which makes me really glad to have had the lapro, because that was the clogged tube.

I will update with more soon--I have to get ready to go!

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Had my IUI this morning. She said that the sample wasn't great--his volume was low. Probably the cold we all have. Craptastic. She did the IUI anyway, she said that she was able to get 30% of them moving and "it only takes one." That's what she always says when it looks terrible. But, yesterday's was "good" for him, so I am still keeping my fingers crossed. I didn't cry this time, or yesterday, but it caught up with me driving home. I just feel like enough is enough--it shouldn't be THIS hard. There are actually people who accidentally conceive children....although that is a completely foreign concept to me. Just please, please let this be the end of this journey....I keep reciting to myself, "everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end..."

So, I will be trying to occupy my mind with Christmas. I need to get my cards mailed, and start wrapping the pile.

please, please, please, please, pretty pretty please...

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Yesterday I thought I would "be good" and walk with the stroller to the post office instead of driving. Get some fresh air, get some exercise, avoid polluting...On the way back, I tripped over the back tire of the stroller. Now, I actually do this a lot, I take too big of strides, but I just got some new stabilizing shoes because I have high arches and tend to roll my ankles. What sucks about stabilizing shoes is that if you roll over the edge of them, you REALLY roll. My left foot rolled, so I threw my weight to the right. Unfortunately, I overshot, and rolled my right foot--so I let myself fall this time. I sat there assessing the situation for a minute--and my left ankle was better. (I should have just let myself fall...) My right ankle was hurting a lot--to the point that I wasn't sure I would be able to walk on it. Vannah says, "come on, mommy, let's go fast again!" I said, "mommy's hurt, we have to wait a minute." "OH, did you scrape your knee?" I'm sitting there at the top of the hill and can see my house. It's the first time I have EVER gone for a walk without my cell phone. Nobody was outside, no cars drove past. Finally, I figured that I would have to get up and could try to lean on the stroller. Once I started moving, it loosened up a little, or I just got used to the pain, but we made it home. The stability shoes are really great now--I can barely put weight on it without them.

I went to Walgreen's to buy and ankle wrap and stopped by MILs house on the way back. (they live on the same street--it's special) She asked why I was limping, and I told her I sprained my ankle. She saw it, and told me to go to urgent care because it was all blue and that meant I did some serious damage. So I went, they x-rayed, it is just a severe sprain.

Dumb me--went to Best Buy with Vannah last night and finished up wrapping presents and everything I would have usually done. It wasn't hurting that bad, but it was swollen like a baseball. (I'll have to upload a picture--I'm not even exagerating) This morning--SUCKED. It hurts SO much more today. I don't think all the walking on it helped.

I've been trying to stay parked in one spot today, but I still have stuff to do, laundry, put dishes away, and HAVE to go to the grocery store. Stinks.

Actually, I have decided this is all a big karmic slap to the face because my brother broke his ankle on Saturday night and I was totally making fun of him about being on crutches at Christmas. Me and my big mouth!

Had a long infertility discussion with the nurse practioner that saw me--her son and daughter and law are going through secondary too, and she was asking me all kinds of questions.

I've gotta get vann dressed and limp off to the store!

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Haven't been on my computer much with the holiday craziness. Steve got me a WII for Christmas--my ankle is doing a lot better, so I have been finding games that I can play that aren't too excruciating. I am so glad that I bought that brace--it has been a lifesaver.
Christmas was fun--nothing too crazy went on. Savannah was thirlled everytime she got a present and would start screaming.
Went to my SIL's for my nephew's birthday last night. After we were there for an hour, my six month old neice starts vomitting. Becky, my SIL says, "oh, we meant to call you, she has been throwing up on and off all day, and she ran a fever this morning--around 100, but it went away with tylenol. She's just teething, and we knew you would still come, so we didn't call."

..........really? This is the same SIL that brought my nephew to family stuff when he had rotovirus and Savannah got it and was lactose intolerant for SIX MONTHS as her digestive system repaired itself. I told her, "well, we're already exposed to whatever it is..." During dinner, she threw up 2 more times everywhere. Becky cleaned her up, and then put her in her crib, shut the door, and came out to eat dinner. She didn't even have a monitor with her. My MIL asked, "where's Hazel?" and she told her, "she needs to rest." I can't even believe her sometimes--your baby is really sick and needs some love, and you plop her down where you can't see or hear her, shut the door and come to eat dinner. Unreal.
They continued to insist that she is just teething. Newsflash--teething doesn't cause you to vomit violently 7 times in one day. They use a forhead scan thermometer--which I have too--and it is 1-2 degrees on the low side--so her "around 100" is definately more like 101 or 102. Teething doesn't cause that high of a fever. After dinner, my MIL went and got her and was cuddling her and rocking her. Her whole face was flush, her eyelids were droopy, and she was just totally miserable. Becky says, "Hazel, you're lucky Grandma is here, because you wouldn't be getting held this much if she wasn't here, sick or not! haha"
I just want to slap her sometimes. Your baby is sick, that should be your number 1 priority. She should have cancelled the birthday party. Thanks for having us over to your house with your sick baby, where there are sick germs, to eat food that you cooked when your sick baby has been peuking on you all day. Really thoughtful. She just blows my mind.

My mom was asking how I "feel" yesterday. I don't know--my boobs are sore, but they always get sore a week before. I am back and forth on being hopeful and thinking no way. Nothing to do but wait, really.

I need to go sort toys. My favorite--yikes.

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Vann and I went to target today. We passed the baby stuff and she said, "Maybe we'll get a baby in our family someday. But we just have to wait for God to give one to us."

It kind of made me tear up...

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Ughhhhh--this has been like an anti-break for me. I have been cleaning rooms from top to bottom--Vannah's room on Monday, ours yesterday. It's so nice when it's done, but the moving out of furniture and then back in is killing me. Then I have to hike containers up into the loft-my ankle was protesting it all today. Tomorrow I am doing the office and taking down the tree. Then, I am plopping my bootie down for a few days of rest!

I've got to start thinking about Vanntastic's birthday party. She wants it at Chuck E Cheese.

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Steve built Vann a big girl bed, and it was finally finished today. I took her crib apart--and couldn't stop crying. I had to ask him for an allen wrench--and he thought I was crazy for crying. #1--I can't believe she is so big--I can't believe how fast she is growing up. #2--I thought there would be a baby in the crib by now. Sad Still waiting....

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Went on a little trip to Branson for New Years--not sure if AF will show tomorrow or not. I hope not--but I have been really crampy. I really don't know. We were throwing pennies in a wishing pond, and I asked vann what she wished for. "A baby, Jesus will give us one in two days." I want to know where she gets her info, and if it's accurate.

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CD 28--I will either love or hate this day. I refuse to test until AF is late--so if she doesn't show today, I will consider testing tomorrow. No sign yet, but it is early. I have to go in to work for a while today--hopefully that will distract me a little, but most likely I will be obsessing about this all day. I want to be pregnant and have a healthy baby SO bad, but I am SO tired of doing all of this. The idea of calling and scheduling another round of meds and IUI just makes me want to cry. I'm just hoping and praying that this is it.

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My period started this morning. I cried a lot. I had my hopes way too high this cycle. I think I had it in my head that this was the last one, that it would work. I am wondering if I will ever get pregnant again. It makes me so sad to think that I might not ever be again. I wish I would have relished ever moment during Vannah's--taken way more pictures, videoed her moving--just documented it way more. Ignorance is bliss, right? I just feel like I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't understand why this has to be so hard--we are good people, we have a good family, why is this so complicated for us?

It's just a really bad day for me. I might wait to call about scheduling for next cycle because I think I will end up being too upset to call during my break time at school. I've got to suck it up now and get ready to go.

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On with the show--I am doing fine now at school--busy, busy, busy. Sometimes you just have to put on your game face, right? I'm still not calling until later because I am not full flow yet--just brown stuff. I think earlier I was sad, now I am just mad. It's all so unbelievably aggravating!!

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Everything is scheduled for next CD 12. I am working through my first day of Clomid headache. CD 3-7 I am on it. I'm feeling really discouraged about the whole process. I'm just so tired of it--seriously--7 years of this foolishness. I just want to be past all of this.

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I've been really down about all this lately. Near tears a lot. My mom keeps telling me that she thinks my SIL is pregnant--I think she is worried about my reaction. I just want to go to bed and not think about it.

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My US was yesterday--2 good follies and a few little ones. The lead is on the left. I am scheduled for IUI tomorrow.

My brother called today to tell me that my SIL is pregnant. He didn't want to make a big announcement and catch me off guard. He said, "last time when we announced, it didn't go how we expected, so I thought I would call you..." I know he was being nice, but that made me feel like crap. Pretty much, I ruined it last time.

I just don't feel hopeful anymore. I feel like this is never going to work.

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Called MIL to have her watch Vannah for my appointment. "guess what? Sam is pregnant again!" Steve's cousin's daughter. "are you okay?" She asked.

"I'm okay. When is she due?"

One of these times--I am going to come unglued when someone asks me that. NO. I am not okay. I am mad that this is like mission impossible for us. I am sad that I may never be pregnant again. I am embarassed that everyone has to tiptoe around me because they don't want to upset me. Don't I have a right to be upset? Do I have to just suck it up? Wouldn't you be upset if you had been trying harder than most for 3 years and find out someone got pregnant right when they started trying? Without any medical intervention whatsoever? No clomid headaches, no fighting about the BD schedule or taking supplements, no shots, not vaginal ultrasounds, no stirrups, no speculum? No, I am not okay. Not even close. I am so tired of being asked that question. I am just as guilty, my response is always, "yes" or I cut them off before they ask and say, "I'm okay."

But I am definately not okay--not even close. I am pissed and sad, frustrated, jealous, and hanging on in desperation at the end of my rope. I just overwhelmingly feel that my infertility people are going to tell me that we just need to be done. And I don't know what happens then.

I apologize for being WAY over-emotional. I will probably regret this post later--but I just need it out of me for now.

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I'm still hugely emotional today, but not as bad as yesterday. I sometimes wonder about people who read this--do they think I am out of my mind? (I might be...) I am actually a pretty together person--who definately bottles everything up! I have a lot of stomach and digestive system issues, which my mom says is because I am in a highly stressful situation and have been for 7 years. I don't know, I would think that there are people that are way more stressed than I am...but then again, I have a knack for selling myself short, so who knows really.

Honestly, right now my approach is, stay busy and don't think about it. But as I am trying to force myself not to think about it---I am in all actuality thinking about it.

OK--I think I just need to stop writing now, I don't think I am making any sense. We have off school today for MLK day, I am going to clean out my mud room---YUCK. My appointment is this afternoon. I was trying to check out steve's sample (yes, I have semen sitting on my kitchen counter, don't you?) but who knows. It doesn't look as thick as usual to me, but I'm not the one with the microscope, so there's nothing to do but wait.

I hate waiting. I have been waiting for years. I'm sick of waiting.

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Had my IUI yesterday. She said that the sample looked "bleak" at first, but it prepped well. I take that with a grain of salt, because the last time I conceived, she said the sample wasn't great. So who knows. He has a cold right now, so the volume was low. I start taking progesterone tomorrow, so the fatigue and "syptoms" will begin. Gotta get to work!

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STILLLLLLL waiting. Gah--stinks to wait. Found out my cousin is having his 3rd child in August--they will have 3 that are 4 and under. I'm really tired--so this will be short. Don't get your hopes up about that being a symptom...I already took my progesterone. I just don't feel like I have hope anymore.

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I feel like I've been debbie downer on here lately--sorry for that. I'm just aggravated. I know that worse things could happen--and that people have some really terrible situations that they are going through, so I shouldn't whine so much. I have a happy, healthy, beautiful little one, a decent house/stuff, a good relationship with my husband, and a great family. I guess I should quit whining for more--but it's not like I'm asking for money, or a winning lottery ticket, or something extravagent. I just want a sibling for my girl. And a baby/pregnancy for me--I admit that it is for me too. Steve even seems disappointed when they don't work--which is odd for him because he is so good at keeping his game face.

Next Monday is when AF should show. My mom said the other day, "your period just needs to go away for a long time!" No kidding.

Oh yeah--my cousin's wife is pregnant again. She has a 3 year old and an 18 month old. What aggravates me about that--is that was my plan. I wanted to do the 18 months apart thing--and was well on my way until I lost the pregnancy. It's been a crapshoot since then.

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Nearing the end of the 2ww. I don't know what to think right now. My BBs are really sore today--and I've been having waves of cervical cramping. I get that on the day of AF, but usually not a few days before. Plus--I slept in until 8:30 this morning--but I am WIPED out right now. I am barely keeping my eyes open. I have been toying with testing tomorrow morning--with the cheapy test I have. My thought process is that my fertility place only wants me to test with a FRER--so if I got a positive tomorrow on FMU, I could go buy some FRERs to officially test on Monday's FMU. I don't know--I will likely chicken out--I just hate snow white negatives. I'll have to really reflect on it tonight...

Ugh--the bills are rolling in from my laparoscopy--sucks.

Savannah had 4 year pics--and we got some really cute ones. I need to update my signature--but I am too tired right now!!

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I tested on Sunday morning. Negative. Stink. Dumb me--then I went to church with my mom and it seemed like everything was about taking care of life from conception to death--which didn't really help my emotions. I actually was teary the whole time, and then my mom caught eyes with me--and I lost it and had to go in the bathroom and sob. We left after that.

AF hasn't shown yet--but I think it is just this progesterone pushing things off. Plus, last cycle she showed in the evening--so she will probably come tonight or early tomorrow. That stinks because we are going on a trip--and it will be be hard to try IUI next cycle if it doesn't start today.

I am trying to put it all in perspective. I just found out that a friend has bone cancer and will have to have chemo---so that helps me realize that worse things could happen. This experience is making me a stronger, more patient person. Right?

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AF came in full blast last Tuesday night. We left town on Wednesday, so I am just now updating a week later. Because it came so late--we are not doing IUI this cycle. I could not have gotten my meds and stuff before we left--and it was nice not to have clomid headaches during the whole trip. I am kind of glad to take a cycle off. So....looks like November is out--looking for a Christmas miracle, I suppose.

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I feel like I've just been complaining on here-so I have been taking a break from posting. Timing didn't work out when we were out of town--and I have been having issues with yeast infections lately---not conducive to TTC. So, I'm trying to get everything together. I have another pregnant cousin-in-law, who has been complaining about how sick she is in her first trimester and actually posted, "this thing better be worth it." I'm not going to state my opinion on that.

So, I am here--and trying to not whine so much.

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I haven't posted for awhile--I don't have much to post about. I am really starting to come to the conclusion that another child/children is my ultimate goal--and not necessarily a pregnancy. I'm getting more and more comfortable with that idea. I just don't think a pregnancy is going to happen.