I've got the baby today. He is swinging taking his nap. His "Jelly" cat from oompa toys is clutched tightly in his right arm, and its 2 feet of tail is just swinging away. Greg is smiling. I wonder what he is dreaming of? Is it the umpteen ounces of milk he will consume when he gets up or is it memories of playing in his exersaucer? Whatever it is makes me realize that even though this process has been so stressful to us, the reward is so great and in the end this will all just be a memory of a time when we worried over nothing. Atleast, I hope that is how it turns out. I'm pretty sure if this doesn't work I will be in a lock-down unit somewhere for a little while suffering a nervous breakdown.
Yep, it was the umpteen ounces of milk that must of had him smiling because when he woke up he drank 6 ounces, played in his exersaucer for a little bit then took................8 MORE ounces.
And we wonder why at 14 weeks the boy weighs 20+ pounds. Can't wait for his next appointment. Uncle Chris calls him the little linebacker-for sure!!!
After I left the baby's house I went to Target to get my oh so big girl a peguin humidifier. So funny how we are so mature sometimes but still have that tad bit of baby in us all.
Why can't we just get a sign, to make everything clear? I can't stop having anxiety attacks. I cry.....all of the time. Last night was the worst, I lay my head in my best friend's lap and cried-people must of thought I was nuts considering we were at a freakin motocross race. I cry running on the treadmil at the gym when the diaper commercial comes on.
I want another person so bad it hurts, and the fear of God has set into my brain, and well that hurts, too. Not to mention it doesn't help when other people voice their concerns. Yes, I've seen Steel Magnolias-MOVIE and she had type 1 diabetes and died because of a diabetic coma not from renal failure. Yes, I have weighed the risks, what in the **** do you people think keeps me up at night?
No matter what we do, the fear will not go away until a baby arrives safely into our arms. Then again, if it isn't going to arrive safely I hope ivf doesn't work at all. While I know it sounds a bit off to most, if something happens to our baby it will be documented in some round about way as MY fault. They will add it to the medications' statistics, they will put it in the books as my fault. I mean, how could it not be? And I will never be able to forgive myself.
Sometimes I wonder if I am being selfish. But the hole in my heart, the void we both feel for another child is so overwhelming-how can we not react to trying to make our family feel whole?
We have been blessed in so many ways. We have an amazing daughter, I have been given the gift of life from a total stranger, we have such a beautiful home, amazing friends and family, a very liberal work schedule allowing both of us to be at home if the need were to arise, we travel, we have a thriving business............but we still feel empty. It amazes me on a daily basis how people think money makes everything better. Money doesn't buy health or happiness. I'd give every penny in the world to any doctor who could just promise me that in the end everything will be just fine and we will have that healthy little baby to complete our family and fill the void that not only Chris and I hold in our hearts but our precious child Emily's void for a sibling, too.
Why does it have to be so hard?
I know I shouldn't complain because there are so many people trying to have their first child who are struggling so bad, and that makes me feel guilty for even putting this here, but this is my safe place. It is the only place where I can put down how I really feel without the critisism. So I apologize if anyone is bothered by this. I'm just so sad.......and confused...and worried and scared, etc, etc.....
Heading down to South Beach and can not wait. Not even bringing my cell phone. A whole week of warmth sounds pretty good right now. I have the best husband in the world. Ready to go and try to not worry about anything going on here at home.
Leaving on a jet plane!!! Woo hoo. My plane leaves at 6 tomorrow morning. Dh is going to join me and I have so many special in room services planned for everyday and night. I am anxiously awaiting Sunday night where they will come and run the infinity edge tub and fill it with exotic flowers and oils. They also bring up strawberries with 4 different sauces and whip cream. Fun fun.
I have been running around like crazy shopping. Now I need to get off my tail and pack.
I'm so excited. We have made a pact to not discuss anything reguarding the baby process. Although I do believe we have come to a first step conclusion-I do believe we are certain that we would feel safer trying the tubal reversal first with clomid. The thought of developing ovarian hyperstimualation scares the **** out of me. They pretty much bluntly said that I would end up in the icu even with a mild case not only fighting for my kidney but for my life. I appreciate when doctors are blunt because they know I know the truth so why sugar coat it.
I have some resumes out and that made me feel good as well. My transplant doctor put me on 10mg of valium tid. I haven't taken it more than once a day let alone three times.
I haven't been on here in a while but I am so glad I decided to make a journal entry before skipping town because my precious Nadine safely delivered her babies today. Nadine-you will be an amazing mommy, just look at Monty. I am so truely happy for you.
I may try to pop on from the hotel to see if pictures of the beauties get posted!!!!
Hotel Victor here we come!!!! I'll take some pictures and post them here when I get home.
Hope all of my ttc friends have a great week. And all of my pregnant friends stay healthy and Nadine, I can't wait to meet your new little darlings.
Just got home from South Beach and I must say I am so glad we went. We had the most amazing time ever had down there because of all the superbowl events. We met so many players and our concierge got us into the Motorola Kick off party. Which was so fun. I got my nasty *** peace sign covered up while we were there with a ny Giants helmet and am so happy to be rid of the peace sign. The hotel was amazing as usual, this year C booked the Very Victor Ocean Suite, instead of the regular room and oh my god I didn't want to leave.........the view was amazing. We didn't talk baby at all. I shopped quite a bit but only ended up getting Victorias Secret sweatsuits and a few tops from Just Cavalli. Chris bought me the most amazing necklace as a surprise and I also had two 90 minute sessions at the spa getting all of my tension worked out.
Came home to my child having been out of school for two days now because of snow. Which according to mother we didn't even get yesterday and this morning maybe an inch but the roads are fine. Monday I will schedule our appointment with the high risk ob to discuss tubal reversal.
Sunday we are having a SuperBowl party and also celebrating my father's promotion.
Here are a few pictures from our trip. Can't wait to go back.
Relaxing after our flight (or should I say all the free cocktails on the flight)
Caught off guard by the freezing surf:
The room with the most amazing view:
Hotel Victor's mascot, the jelly fish tank:
Sunrise view from bed:
my new tatoo
Chris and me at the Motorola Mile Kick off event
The ESPN radio show
ESPN Sports Center live
Party at Versace Mansion (right next door to our hotel)-too bad we couldn't take pictures once inside because the place is freaking amazing!
UGH, damn it I knew we should not have told some certain people we were ttc!! My mother in law just called, and after viewing our pictures on our family website from our trip she asked if I was preggo. Said I look three months and was wondering if we would be making an announcement on Sunday! WOW-I know I still need to lose a good 15 but geez do I look that freaking big?
Then I get an email from that "friend" you know the one who can't pick up the phone and call or ever invite us to any of their events yet stalks my family website and blog. After 20 years of friendship she only speaks to me via email. This email was asking me to update my blog, when our next ivf appointment was and to tell me just how nice it must be to have money and be able to travel, considering we were just in Mexico in November (on Ford Motor Co thank you) and how I live every American woman's dream life and don't even have to work. Well, lord up above knows that I would trade the "American Woman's Dream Life" in for perfect health and the ability to get pregnant without any intervention in a New York minute. Why does what others have bother other people so much. I thought friends were supposed to be happy for one another-maybe that is why we really aren't friends anymore? I know that I am always happy when my friends do well, and I am the type that has friends from all walks of life. Some have more than me, many have less-why does it bother this one chick so much. 20 years, wasted imo.
If it wasn't Super Bowl on Sunday and I could get a room I would be on the first flight out tomorrow morning back to Miami! Obviously getting away is wonderful, until you come home.
I talked to Jenn today and can't believe that she is already 13 weeks. And it is amazing because everything is perfect so far. By this point with Joshua she was already on bedrest and struggling so hard to stay pregnant. I'm so happy that it is going so well. Yet so jealous because I really wanted to go through pregnancy with her!!!! I can't wait to see what the high risk ob says about the reversal. Then I have my moments where I just want to do the ivf, Chris calls me fickle. I do know one thing for certain we want another child. Someone asked me if by considering the tubal reversal did that mean we were having second thoughts all together. NO way. We still want another child and we seem to want it worse and worse with every passing day.
Jenn finds out the sex of the baby in 7 weeks. I am thinking of making the drive to VA to see her when Em is on spring break. Since she gets two weeks we may also go visit family in nyc or florida. I want to get all of our visiting done with hopes that pregnancy is right around the corner.
Tomorrow I have to go to the lab to have my prograf levels checked. They were a little on the low side. Which would mean upping the dose, but the good news was I had lost some weight so here is to hoping the level will be right again tomorrow.
Lisa, we are praying for you and are so hoping that tomorrow you get that bfp.
I am so excited! Not only am I happy because I got picked to sit on the board the night before last with Donor Services, but I am also flying to la to work with an OPO out there to stop the non-sense. I mean seriously if breast cancer treatment was portrayed in the wrong light lord knows someone would be all over it.
Also I resigned our lease yesterday at N'ville Shores Yacht Club. And we are moving to a patio, right next to our friend Ty. Can't wait. I have hit that freaking boat trailer 3 times now trying to back out of the garage! As if the scar on my leg from falling under the boat isn't bad enough my black car is "scarred" from the trailer, sheesh. Chris said we will put it back in the water March 1st. By next year we will have the tall garage to put it in during winter. I am just so against dry storage because of all the bug yucks that get all over it.
I also applied for a opo position with dci. Fingers crossed I get it.
Because it is so cold here I thought it would help cheer me to post some old summer shots. I am so anxious to get the boat back to the club, can't you tell. I ordered a new bathing suit and it has a really flowing top in hopes that maybe just maybe I will be preggo at some point this summer. I remember the first day we got her it was so exciting. We named her ~SoBe It~ because we love South Beach and our life is really just like that and because it was a brand new boat we got to do the christening and all that. It was so much fun!
Her first trip to NSYC:
Me (ugh must go to gym asap after seeing this) and Meredith (her first time in the lake) in beautiful Priest: