A long time coming...(bfp 07/07/07)(m/c 30/09/07)
Hi my name is Sharon. I am 41 and DH is 43. We have a 10yo daughter from my previous partnership, and have been TTC for 2 years. Well this is my journal. I have been a visitor on the Dealing with Infertility and IVF boards. I thought I would start my journal with some posts from these journals, that tell a story of where I am at in my journey so far.....
"...Hi ladies, I'm writing from Australia and am pretty unfamiliary with all of the abbrev. I have been on 50mg clomid since Sept. 05. We spent a few months on 50mg and using an O tester, and going the natural way - didn't work. In Feb. we decided to go straight to IVF. They upped my clomid to 100mg + nightly injection of pregnol in the tummy for 6 nights. Had a scan and there were only 1-2 eggs, so we decided that IUI (AIH Artificial Insemmination Husband - in Oz) was the way to go. I had my AIH last Friday, 6 days ago, so fingers crossed. I can relate to all that you ladies have written, the frustrations, the hopes, the disappointments - but I guess we just keep on trying and try to have as much faith as we can. I went to work yesterday and one of the young women I work with came and told me she is pregnant. I gave her a big hug and congratulated her. Although I am happy for her, I also felt like crying - I couldn't help but feel a bit envious, which I'm ashamed to admit. It made me feel a bit depressed for a while, couldn't help the old "why her and not me" thoughts coming into my head. Then I had to pull myself out of this mood and realize that she is in her 20's, just starting out and having her first baby. I have been blessed with one child, a daughter 9 y.o. and am now 40, which the clinic nurses keep reminding me is not an optimal age for fertility. I find out the results of my AIH (IUI) in about 12 days from now and am trying to put it all out of my mind and keep a positive outlook - any prayers would be most welcome - as I am saying prayers for all of you ladies. GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL (March 23, 2006)
Let's spread our wings and fly and fly;
over mountains - beyond the sky
We'll reach our place of destiny;
where angels reign and souls are free
We'll dance on moonbeams in the sky;
making crystal rainbows way up high
We'll wish upon the evening star;
and send our love to those afar
The place I see is in my dreams;
BUT DREAMS ARE REAL IF YOU BELIEVE (March 24, 2006)
Feeling sad because my dreaded AF came to visit today. I'm not really surprised after I got a BFN HPT on Tuesday, but because I was only at 12dpo, and a friend of mine that had a donor insem. didn't show on a HPT till 15dpo was still hoping. Well I guess none of that matters now as AF is here. I still have to have my blood test on Monday which sux. I have such yukky veins for giving blood, lot's of small surface veins, but hard to get a real one up - so it HURTS!! They do that "just to be sure" apparently. Well I'm sure, an AF is an AF!! I feel like taking a break, but I know I will go through the same procedure this month, or similar (depending what the Dr thinks is best). It's not just the let down feeling, which I know we're all familiar with after ttc for 1-2 yrs, even naturally, and AF month after month. But feeling a bit inadequate, like my body is just letting me down, and I just can't give DH a baby of his own. Teagan is my daughter from my previous marriage (I love her to bits), which was violent, so I left when she was almost 2. She sees my DH as a father, and he see her as his daughter, but a child of our own would be kinda special. Well I've had a cry. Maybe I really am just too old for all of this after all I hope all you ladies that are waiting on your BFP will have much better news that I did this cycle. I will keep my eye out for you and keep you all in my prayers. (April 1, 2006)
Who needs enemies when you have a friend that knows the challenges that you have encountered in TTC, and whenever you talk about it with her she turns around and says "we were all sooooo fertile, when I had my kids, and my daughter (28yo, had first child at 20) is just the same". It makes my blood boil. I know that I am probably just being a ***** - hormonal and all that!! But I have been confronted with the "age issue" as I am now over 40 (41 next month), and my friend is now 48. She had her 3 kids between age 24-28, and I really don't think she is being very sensitive to my feelings by gloating about her being "sooo fertile" while I am challenged with TTC and getting a negative month after month (21 months in total). I guess the best thing is just not to talk to her about this anymore, and keep any contact to a minimum - or I will probably :boxing:. Sorry to be such a ***** and whinge about a petty thing. Thanks for being there you guys. (April 5, 2006)
I believe in sunsets, skies tinged with pink and gold
in angels up in heaven, guiding us on our journeys' bold.
I believe in children, in the laughter that I hear,
at I watch them run and play, their presence I hold dear.
I believe in rainbows, and in that golden pot,
I know with every breath we take, our lives give us a lot.
I believe in true love, holding hands and kisses too,
in cuddles, fun and tenderness, these things I do hold true.
I believe in dreams come true, when you wish it from the heart
I know one day we'll hold our dream, I've known it from the start!
I BELIEVE IN ALL OF US LADIES - HANG IN THERE AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL (April 6, 2006)
I was reading one of the posts last week, and my heart went out to the woman that said she is feeling "defective". this is a feeling that has visited me SO many times during the TTC process, and I'm sure we've all felt it at some time. We are all brought up to believe that having babies is the most natural thing in the world. Nobody teaches us about the many and varied problems that can occur TTC. So we tend to blame ourselves. I work with disabled people of all ages, and nobody refers to them as defects. What about the mother that is on drugs and has heroine addicted babies - is she defective? I too have begun to feel that there is something wrong with me. We place so much pressure on ourselves. From all that I've read on this site, not one of you ladies is defective. If a group of women that can be so supportive and understanding is defective, then I choose to be defective. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY OF US. We just face greater challenges to achieving our goal - maybe because we are braver and stronger. Just remember if there was never a reported case of infertility, then they would never have come up with the various treatments now available to help us realize our dream. I wish everyone luck and blessings with this most difficult journey and lots and lots of babydust. (April 11, 2006)
Well here I am, feeling sad and useless. Despite writing, thinking, and actually believing that there is nothing "wrong" with me, I can't seem to shake the terrible depression that descends upon me when I really think about the problems we have encountered TTC. There has been no actual physical problems found, although some months my follices grow to size and others not, so it looks like I don't always O. Just had another 5 day 100mg clomid cycle, scan done 3 days later, follicle only 6mm, another scan is due for Saturday, but I don't feel very confident for this cycle. It's a real grieving for me. Not only the desire to share a baby with my lovely DH, but the fact that the choice seems to have been taken from me. I feel like I am only half a person, like I have lost a functioning part of myself, or maybe I never had that part in the first place??? I feel really useless, and even if my infertility is based on age (40), it makes me feel suddenly ancient. I am fit, healthy and still feel young - but the real "inside" me is telling a different story. It seem so unfair. As stupid as it sounds I really didn't even think to much about age - always thought I had plenty of time. And even if I did think, my life path would probably have gone the same way. After one violent marriage, I didn't meet the "right" person until a couple of years ago. I wish I could be like some of you ladies and just "let go and let God", but something in me keeps saying try one more assisted cycle (we have been having t/ment for 7 months, which feels like forever, with one IUI so far). Am so sorry to go on and on. I know we all feel these things, but it does help to vent, now I think I'll have (another) cry. Thanks for being there ladies, it helps (April 12, 2006)
I don't know what's going on with my RE. I have been going there since September 2005, started on clomid October, had a couple of natural cycles, with clomid then Christmas break so nothing. Clomid again in January, which did nothing for my follicle growth. So another month of clomid just for good measure!!! then did an IVF cycle in March which gave a decent follicle result but not good enough for IVF so went IUI instead. Ovulated, sperm count, everything good - but alas BFN. I was very disappointed and sad. I rang the RE, I always deal with the nurses there as the actual Dr. is too busy, to ask about the next step in the plan, which had to be started the next day by the time I was able to get to the clinic, (got AF over the long weekend aarrgh). The nurse said she would talk to Dr and to ring the next afternoon. When I rang they hadn't talked to him yet, so I was at the point of just giving up and the nurse talked me into just sticking with the 100mg clomid for this cycle. Did that, but again no real follicle growth this cycle. So obviously clomid is not my drug!! I have asked them why we went so long on just clomid when I obviously don't have a great response to it and they said they have to start out this way in order to monitor which drug regime would suit me best - which makes sense, but 7 months of it seems like a LONG time to me. Anyway next month, after I get AF this cycle, I will start the IVF treatment again (clomid and injectibles) and I guess back to square one, hoping for a better result. I am starting to feel very depressed about my infertility, it's a bit like grieving. Maybe it's time to see a support counsellor. I hope you ladies get a better result this cycle. Babydust! (April 19, 2006)
Well here I am on CD41 - great!! After taking 100mg clomid and low mg injectibles in March to try for IVF, the follicle growth was good for ovulation but only one follicle, so we were recommended to try IUI instead. After our first IUI failed I had all the usual reactions and was starting to think that the treatment wasn't really working for me anyway, etc. etc. I talked with the RE nurse, who had forgotten to speak with the Dr about where to go next (ggrrr), and told her my feelings and that I was ready to give the whole fertility treatment thing a miss. She talked me into taking 100mg clomid for the month and maybe just doing IUI again, as I had had a good O result the previous month. So we did that for another IUI attempt at the end of April. The follicle growth was small for that month, so we had to put it off for that cycle!! In the meantime, I have faced the fact that there may be no more children for me, and although it was very confronting and upsetting, I am feeling happier than when I first started out on this journey. Whilst I have realised that I may not have another child I have also been thankful for the fact that there is still always a possibility, and grateful for the daughter and life I currently have. Although I feel much more able to just relax and let nature take her course, let go and let god if you like, we have one more IVF attempt to try, as we have not had an IVF cycle yet and had always planned from the outset that this is what we would do. The RE has assured me that it is worth doing another cycle as the drug regime will change, I'll be on two injections and clomid, and since we had a good follicle result and O blood results on the last round we should try again..... So, I have been waiting for AF to arrive, to go on the pill for a month and then another AF ready to take hormones - a loooong process!! I feel pretty relaxed about the whole thing, which is good, but a little frustrated - when you want the witch she hides and when you don't......!! At least down here insurance covers some IVF cost, although it's still kinda costly, and we don't pay unless the process goes to egg retrieval - after that it's cash up succeed or fail! Yikes - it's one thing that puts me off trying IVF, but I can't help feeling that we should give it a go at least. My DH is happy to spend the money, but..... maybe that's just my defence against getting my hopes up? Anyway, I took a HPT on day 31 and got BFN, I have to have a blood test, which I'm sure will be ng - and then will get some pills to induce AF and the whole process starts... In the meantime I hope life is filled with love, fun and adventure for us all - good luck and blessings (May 11, 2006)
Starting IVF... Hi, my DH and I have been ttc for nearly 2 years now. We started treatment in October 2005. We started with 50mg clomid and bd around O time - that stretched out for a few months as Xmas came and everything came to a standstill, except the BDing hehe. In March we went onto an IVF cycle using 100mg clomid and pregnol 250ml. Got only one good sized folly, so we decided to convert to IUI, and do a future IVF cycle with a (hopefully) better folly result. We did our IUI and got a good O blood result and sperm count etc, so things looked pretty good, but alas that failed. In April there was a miscommunication at my clinic, so ended up only doing 100mg clomid again with a view to do another IUI. The clomid alone dosen't work very well for me, so ended up with a small folly and probably no O this month. Have since been waiting for AF to arrive. In a perfect world she would have arrived on 4/28, but in my world - I'm still waiting!! They have me on primolut N to bring the witchy out. When she finally arrives will go onto IVF, which means 21 day pill, another AF (hope she comes this time!!) and then 100mg clomid, 400ml pregnol and luveris - luteinising hormone (not sure dosage). Hopefully this will give a good folly result. If not we have the option of doing another IUI instead. It's been such a long drawn out process, I've been through the whole grieving process and am just trying to get on with life. We have booked a holiday to the beach for July so I am trying to focus on all the good stuff - but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder what this next round will bring?! Good luck to everybody - hope to see some BFP's soon (May 16, 2006)
I've been obssessing a bit about this holiday conflicting with our cycle. When we booked, we were meant to be finished with this cycle and either transfer or IUI done, and the theory was to take a break during the 2ww (wouldn't that have been nice), but since AF had other plans...... So now we're thinking of rescheduling our trip, to a bit later and going ahead with this cycle after all!! I guess I am ready to face the result either way (sort of!!), and really want the whole thing done, so I have a better idea where we stand, and what our other options are, if any. I can still take the time off work and just relax, maybe go on the odd weekend getaway, and it brings the whole thing forward a cycle. So yep, it's official - I'm crazy - I can't help it. I wish I could be a lot less emotional and just get over each phase, and onto the next, without wanting to scream and run away - and then after meltdown back on track again!! (May 28, 2006) resheduled to November
Well as long as the :witch: comes when she should, I will be starting my injections etc. on 26 June. I will be on 100mg clomid, 400IU pregnol and 75IU luveris (hope I don't turn into dragonlady - again!!). Am really hoping to get at least 3 good sized folly's, pretty amibitious going on the last few efforts!! But here's hoping. If we only get the one folly, I think DH will want to go for another IUI instead, and do a round of IVF next cycle. We only pay for IVF once we go to egg retrieval, so can change our mind to IUI, at a much cheaper cost, and save IVF for another cycle So I've kinda put things in "the lap of God" and am just hoping for the best. Sending babydust all round. (June 13, 2006)
Time to say goodbye....When I had my bloods done ready to take meds this cycle, we found that my hormone levels were high enough that I didn't need to take the luveris, as I had enough LH in my system. So once again we tried clomid and FSH shots. I had my scan, and again found only 2 follicles, neither at mature size (I was having a much better scan result the 3 mo preceding clomid, always 1-2 mature follies!!). It was explained to me that with my hormone levels, normal range but fluctuate a bit with raised LH levels, that the FSH can have the opposite effect, telling the body that there is too much hormone activity, and effectively shutting down the ovaries!! So we have come to the end of our journey with assisted TTC. I did most of my grieving after our failed IUI, so I guess I was ready for the outcome of this appointment.
One of the many fears and questions my infertility has brought up for me is that "if I can't have a child with my DH, what do I have to offer..." I have felt several times throughout this time, that I would be best to leave him to meet another (younger) woman, so that he can have a family of his own...! Of course whenever I would voice these feelings my DH would reassure me of the great life we would have anyway etc. etc..... After facing a failed IUI, I really began to consider the possibility that I may not be able to ever have another child, and began thinking of the options if this were the case. I had decided (after many tears, and much grieving), that I was happy with my life as it is, and grateful for the beautiful child that I already have. But I also knew that I had enough love inside me to love another child, even if s/he were not my own bio., and would happily extend our family with a child conceived with my DH sperm and a donor egg through IVF. I discussed this option with my DH. He is funny - I guess like most men, when discussing anything to do with fertility treatment.... His face screwed up and he asked in a pained voice "do we have to talk about this now???" I said no but to just think about it.... The upshot was that he didn't want to go ahead with a donor egg. He felt that having a child was not the be all and end all to our relationship. That we have Teagan, a nice family life, and can now retire early That if we were to have a baby that would be great - but if not, well it's not the end of the world. Even though I felt a little disappointed, I was happy and felt more secure in our relationship, and felt more like perhaps "just I" was enough after all. Perhaps that is silly? And perhaps what is more silly is that I just can't shake this thought/feeling, very deep within myself that we will one day have our baby. Perhaps this is just wishful thinking, and I certainly won't be obsessing over AF etc. now, as I feel more happy and content with my life as it is, and able to take and enjoy each day as it comes. But....
I have tried to look at the positives that have come out of our journey so far.... The tests that we have done have shown that there is no physical reason why we can't conceive; although AF is irregular, I am still Oing and haven't begun early menopause (that's a relief!!); and (other than age!!) there is no reason why an angel won't smile on us and send a miracle our way one day. Like I always say - Where there is chance there is hope; and where there is hope there is chance.
I would like to thank so many of you strong, wonderful, supportive women. Women who - at a time when I thought my heart would break and so much sadness, fear and insecurity filled me - offered understanding, and words of support and encouragement, while facing their own struggles. I can honestly say that I would not have come this far in feeling able to get on with my life - happily - without the support that I have found when I needed it with this group of women. To those of you that have had great news I give my congratulations, and prayers for a healthy pg and beatuiful healthy baby. I wish everyone that is still TTC goodluck. You all remain in my prayers. (July 9, 2006)"
WELL THAT'S THE STORY SO FAR...
So here I am. Some days are good, some days not so good. One of the worst side-effects I got from the hormone treatments was nightly hot flushes, waking up in a sweat YUK!! So here I am thinking, well maybe I am perimenopausal after all, so off I went to a Chinese Dr. He started me on a herbal remedy, and guess what...... within 4 days NO MORE NIGHT SWEATS!!! YAAAY. I often say that when we stop TTCing, we don't really, because although the obsessing stops, there is always that hope that maybe there will be a surprise BFP someday (for me anyway). When we decided to stop, I thought I would focus on my overall health, I was really concerned about the night sweats and was feeling pretty lousy. The herbs seem to be fixing that, thank goodness. I got a new p/t job, working in a ladies fitness gym, a circuit style workout gym where I workout with members and show new prospectives around etc., so I am in a perfect working environment for focusing on health and fitness :shock:. I have also decided to combine acupuncture with my herbs and try to get my body into peak health. The thinking is that hopefully my body/mind/soul will be healthful to welcome a BFP...... and if that never happens, well hopefully I will feel healthy and strong within myself. That's the theory anyway. Over the last 12 months I have had mixed feelings about TTC. In my mind I have wanted to extend our family, in my feelings I have had some fears about doings this. I have been doing some work with the counsellor and a kinesiologist, to try to match my thoughts and feelings together. It's most probably to do with old fears and baggage from the past. I guess everything happens for a reason, to learn something from, so they say...... I can only hope that if and when our time comes, the journey we have taken to get there will make us better, stronger people and parents.