Hi my name is Sharon. I am 41 and DH is 43. We have a 10yo daughter from my previous partnership, and have been TTC for 2 years. Well this is my journal. I have been a visitor on the Dealing with Infertility and IVF boards. I thought I would start my journal with some posts from these journals, that tell a story of where I am at in my journey so far.....
"...Hi ladies, I'm writing from Australia and am pretty unfamiliary with all of the abbrev. I have been on 50mg clomid since Sept. 05. We spent a few months on 50mg and using an O tester, and going the natural way - didn't work. In Feb. we decided to go straight to IVF. They upped my clomid to 100mg + nightly injection of pregnol in the tummy for 6 nights. Had a scan and there were only 1-2 eggs, so we decided that IUI (AIH Artificial Insemmination Husband - in Oz) was the way to go. I had my AIH last Friday, 6 days ago, so fingers crossed. I can relate to all that you ladies have written, the frustrations, the hopes, the disappointments - but I guess we just keep on trying and try to have as much faith as we can. I went to work yesterday and one of the young women I work with came and told me she is pregnant. I gave her a big hug and congratulated her. Although I am happy for her, I also felt like crying - I couldn't help but feel a bit envious, which I'm ashamed to admit. It made me feel a bit depressed for a while, couldn't help the old "why her and not me" thoughts coming into my head. Then I had to pull myself out of this mood and realize that she is in her 20's, just starting out and having her first baby. I have been blessed with one child, a daughter 9 y.o. and am now 40, which the clinic nurses keep reminding me is not an optimal age for fertility. I find out the results of my AIH (IUI) in about 12 days from now and am trying to put it all out of my mind and keep a positive outlook - any prayers would be most welcome - as I am saying prayers for all of you ladies. GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL (March 23, 2006)
Let's spread our wings and fly and fly;
over mountains - beyond the sky
We'll reach our place of destiny;
where angels reign and souls are free
We'll dance on moonbeams in the sky;
making crystal rainbows way up high
We'll wish upon the evening star;
and send our love to those afar
The place I see is in my dreams;
BUT DREAMS ARE REAL IF YOU BELIEVE (March 24, 2006)
Feeling sad because my dreaded AF came to visit today. I'm not really surprised after I got a BFN HPT on Tuesday, but because I was only at 12dpo, and a friend of mine that had a donor insem. didn't show on a HPT till 15dpo was still hoping. Well I guess none of that matters now as AF is here. I still have to have my blood test on Monday which sux. I have such yukky veins for giving blood, lot's of small surface veins, but hard to get a real one up - so it HURTS!! They do that "just to be sure" apparently. Well I'm sure, an AF is an AF!! I feel like taking a break, but I know I will go through the same procedure this month, or similar (depending what the Dr thinks is best). It's not just the let down feeling, which I know we're all familiar with after ttc for 1-2 yrs, even naturally, and AF month after month. But feeling a bit inadequate, like my body is just letting me down, and I just can't give DH a baby of his own. Teagan is my daughter from my previous marriage (I love her to bits), which was violent, so I left when she was almost 2. She sees my DH as a father, and he see her as his daughter, but a child of our own would be kinda special. Well I've had a cry. Maybe I really am just too old for all of this after all I hope all you ladies that are waiting on your BFP will have much better news that I did this cycle. I will keep my eye out for you and keep you all in my prayers. (April 1, 2006)
Who needs enemies when you have a friend that knows the challenges that you have encountered in TTC, and whenever you talk about it with her she turns around and says "we were all sooooo fertile, when I had my kids, and my daughter (28yo, had first child at 20) is just the same". It makes my blood boil. I know that I am probably just being a ***** - hormonal and all that!! But I have been confronted with the "age issue" as I am now over 40 (41 next month), and my friend is now 48. She had her 3 kids between age 24-28, and I really don't think she is being very sensitive to my feelings by gloating about her being "sooo fertile" while I am challenged with TTC and getting a negative month after month (21 months in total). I guess the best thing is just not to talk to her about this anymore, and keep any contact to a minimum - or I will probably . Sorry to be such a ***** and whinge about a petty thing. Thanks for being there you guys. (April 5, 2006)
I believe in sunsets, skies tinged with pink and gold
in angels up in heaven, guiding us on our journeys' bold.
I believe in children, in the laughter that I hear,
at I watch them run and play, their presence I hold dear.
I believe in rainbows, and in that golden pot,
I know with every breath we take, our lives give us a lot.
I believe in true love, holding hands and kisses too,
in cuddles, fun and tenderness, these things I do hold true.
I believe in dreams come true, when you wish it from the heart
I know one day we'll hold our dream, I've known it from the start!
I BELIEVE IN ALL OF US LADIES - HANG IN THERE AND GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL (April 6, 2006)
I was reading one of the posts last week, and my heart went out to the woman that said she is feeling "defective". this is a feeling that has visited me SO many times during the TTC process, and I'm sure we've all felt it at some time. We are all brought up to believe that having babies is the most natural thing in the world. Nobody teaches us about the many and varied problems that can occur TTC. So we tend to blame ourselves. I work with disabled people of all ages, and nobody refers to them as defects. What about the mother that is on drugs and has heroine addicted babies - is she defective? I too have begun to feel that there is something wrong with me. We place so much pressure on ourselves. From all that I've read on this site, not one of you ladies is defective. If a group of women that can be so supportive and understanding is defective, then I choose to be defective. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY OF US. We just face greater challenges to achieving our goal - maybe because we are braver and stronger. Just remember if there was never a reported case of infertility, then they would never have come up with the various treatments now available to help us realize our dream. I wish everyone luck and blessings with this most difficult journey and lots and lots of babydust. (April 11, 2006)
Well here I am, feeling sad and useless. Despite writing, thinking, and actually believing that there is nothing "wrong" with me, I can't seem to shake the terrible depression that descends upon me when I really think about the problems we have encountered TTC. There has been no actual physical problems found, although some months my follices grow to size and others not, so it looks like I don't always O. Just had another 5 day 100mg clomid cycle, scan done 3 days later, follicle only 6mm, another scan is due for Saturday, but I don't feel very confident for this cycle. It's a real grieving for me. Not only the desire to share a baby with my lovely DH, but the fact that the choice seems to have been taken from me. I feel like I am only half a person, like I have lost a functioning part of myself, or maybe I never had that part in the first place??? I feel really useless, and even if my infertility is based on age (40), it makes me feel suddenly ancient. I am fit, healthy and still feel young - but the real "inside" me is telling a different story. It seem so unfair. As stupid as it sounds I really didn't even think to much about age - always thought I had plenty of time. And even if I did think, my life path would probably have gone the same way. After one violent marriage, I didn't meet the "right" person until a couple of years ago. I wish I could be like some of you ladies and just "let go and let God", but something in me keeps saying try one more assisted cycle (we have been having t/ment for 7 months, which feels like forever, with one IUI so far). Am so sorry to go on and on. I know we all feel these things, but it does help to vent, now I think I'll have (another) cry. Thanks for being there ladies, it helps (April 12, 2006)
I don't know what's going on with my RE. I have been going there since September 2005, started on clomid October, had a couple of natural cycles, with clomid then Christmas break so nothing. Clomid again in January, which did nothing for my follicle growth. So another month of clomid just for good measure!!! then did an IVF cycle in March which gave a decent follicle result but not good enough for IVF so went IUI instead. Ovulated, sperm count, everything good - but alas BFN. I was very disappointed and sad. I rang the RE, I always deal with the nurses there as the actual Dr. is too busy, to ask about the next step in the plan, which had to be started the next day by the time I was able to get to the clinic, (got AF over the long weekend aarrgh). The nurse said she would talk to Dr and to ring the next afternoon. When I rang they hadn't talked to him yet, so I was at the point of just giving up and the nurse talked me into just sticking with the 100mg clomid for this cycle. Did that, but again no real follicle growth this cycle. So obviously clomid is not my drug!! I have asked them why we went so long on just clomid when I obviously don't have a great response to it and they said they have to start out this way in order to monitor which drug regime would suit me best - which makes sense, but 7 months of it seems like a LONG time to me. Anyway next month, after I get AF this cycle, I will start the IVF treatment again (clomid and injectibles) and I guess back to square one, hoping for a better result. I am starting to feel very depressed about my infertility, it's a bit like grieving. Maybe it's time to see a support counsellor. I hope you ladies get a better result this cycle. Babydust! (April 19, 2006)
Well here I am on CD41 - great!! After taking 100mg clomid and low mg injectibles in March to try for IVF, the follicle growth was good for ovulation but only one follicle, so we were recommended to try IUI instead. After our first IUI failed I had all the usual reactions and was starting to think that the treatment wasn't really working for me anyway, etc. etc. I talked with the RE nurse, who had forgotten to speak with the Dr about where to go next (ggrrr), and told her my feelings and that I was ready to give the whole fertility treatment thing a miss. She talked me into taking 100mg clomid for the month and maybe just doing IUI again, as I had had a good O result the previous month. So we did that for another IUI attempt at the end of April. The follicle growth was small for that month, so we had to put it off for that cycle!! In the meantime, I have faced the fact that there may be no more children for me, and although it was very confronting and upsetting, I am feeling happier than when I first started out on this journey. Whilst I have realised that I may not have another child I have also been thankful for the fact that there is still always a possibility, and grateful for the daughter and life I currently have. Although I feel much more able to just relax and let nature take her course, let go and let god if you like, we have one more IVF attempt to try, as we have not had an IVF cycle yet and had always planned from the outset that this is what we would do. The RE has assured me that it is worth doing another cycle as the drug regime will change, I'll be on two injections and clomid, and since we had a good follicle result and O blood results on the last round we should try again..... So, I have been waiting for AF to arrive, to go on the pill for a month and then another AF ready to take hormones - a loooong process!! I feel pretty relaxed about the whole thing, which is good, but a little frustrated - when you want the witch she hides and when you don't......!! At least down here insurance covers some IVF cost, although it's still kinda costly, and we don't pay unless the process goes to egg retrieval - after that it's cash up succeed or fail! Yikes - it's one thing that puts me off trying IVF, but I can't help feeling that we should give it a go at least. My DH is happy to spend the money, but..... maybe that's just my defence against getting my hopes up? Anyway, I took a HPT on day 31 and got BFN, I have to have a blood test, which I'm sure will be ng - and then will get some pills to induce AF and the whole process starts... In the meantime I hope life is filled with love, fun and adventure for us all - good luck and blessings (May 11, 2006)
Starting IVF... Hi, my DH and I have been ttc for nearly 2 years now. We started treatment in October 2005. We started with 50mg clomid and bd around O time - that stretched out for a few months as Xmas came and everything came to a standstill, except the BDing hehe. In March we went onto an IVF cycle using 100mg clomid and pregnol 250ml. Got only one good sized folly, so we decided to convert to IUI, and do a future IVF cycle with a (hopefully) better folly result. We did our IUI and got a good O blood result and sperm count etc, so things looked pretty good, but alas that failed. In April there was a miscommunication at my clinic, so ended up only doing 100mg clomid again with a view to do another IUI. The clomid alone dosen't work very well for me, so ended up with a small folly and probably no O this month. Have since been waiting for AF to arrive. In a perfect world she would have arrived on 4/28, but in my world - I'm still waiting!! They have me on primolut N to bring the witchy out. When she finally arrives will go onto IVF, which means 21 day pill, another AF (hope she comes this time!!) and then 100mg clomid, 400ml pregnol and luveris - luteinising hormone (not sure dosage). Hopefully this will give a good folly result. If not we have the option of doing another IUI instead. It's been such a long drawn out process, I've been through the whole grieving process and am just trying to get on with life. We have booked a holiday to the beach for July so I am trying to focus on all the good stuff - but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder what this next round will bring?! Good luck to everybody - hope to see some BFP's soon (May 16, 2006)
I've been obssessing a bit about this holiday conflicting with our cycle. When we booked, we were meant to be finished with this cycle and either transfer or IUI done, and the theory was to take a break during the 2ww (wouldn't that have been nice), but since AF had other plans...... So now we're thinking of rescheduling our trip, to a bit later and going ahead with this cycle after all!! I guess I am ready to face the result either way (sort of!!), and really want the whole thing done, so I have a better idea where we stand, and what our other options are, if any. I can still take the time off work and just relax, maybe go on the odd weekend getaway, and it brings the whole thing forward a cycle. So yep, it's official - I'm crazy - I can't help it. I wish I could be a lot less emotional and just get over each phase, and onto the next, without wanting to scream and run away - and then after meltdown back on track again!! (May 28, 2006) resheduled to November
Well as long as the comes when she should, I will be starting my injections etc. on 26 June. I will be on 100mg clomid, 400IU pregnol and 75IU luveris (hope I don't turn into dragonlady - again!!). Am really hoping to get at least 3 good sized folly's, pretty amibitious going on the last few efforts!! But here's hoping. If we only get the one folly, I think DH will want to go for another IUI instead, and do a round of IVF next cycle. We only pay for IVF once we go to egg retrieval, so can change our mind to IUI, at a much cheaper cost, and save IVF for another cycle So I've kinda put things in "the lap of God" and am just hoping for the best. Sending babydust all round. (June 13, 2006)
Time to say goodbye....When I had my bloods done ready to take meds this cycle, we found that my hormone levels were high enough that I didn't need to take the luveris, as I had enough LH in my system. So once again we tried clomid and FSH shots. I had my scan, and again found only 2 follicles, neither at mature size (I was having a much better scan result the 3 mo preceding clomid, always 1-2 mature follies!!). It was explained to me that with my hormone levels, normal range but fluctuate a bit with raised LH levels, that the FSH can have the opposite effect, telling the body that there is too much hormone activity, and effectively shutting down the ovaries!! So we have come to the end of our journey with assisted TTC. I did most of my grieving after our failed IUI, so I guess I was ready for the outcome of this appointment.
One of the many fears and questions my infertility has brought up for me is that "if I can't have a child with my DH, what do I have to offer..." I have felt several times throughout this time, that I would be best to leave him to meet another (younger) woman, so that he can have a family of his own...! Of course whenever I would voice these feelings my DH would reassure me of the great life we would have anyway etc. etc..... After facing a failed IUI, I really began to consider the possibility that I may not be able to ever have another child, and began thinking of the options if this were the case. I had decided (after many tears, and much grieving), that I was happy with my life as it is, and grateful for the beautiful child that I already have. But I also knew that I had enough love inside me to love another child, even if s/he were not my own bio., and would happily extend our family with a child conceived with my DH sperm and a donor egg through IVF. I discussed this option with my DH. He is funny - I guess like most men, when discussing anything to do with fertility treatment.... His face screwed up and he asked in a pained voice "do we have to talk about this now???" I said no but to just think about it.... The upshot was that he didn't want to go ahead with a donor egg. He felt that having a child was not the be all and end all to our relationship. That we have Teagan, a nice family life, and can now retire early That if we were to have a baby that would be great - but if not, well it's not the end of the world. Even though I felt a little disappointed, I was happy and felt more secure in our relationship, and felt more like perhaps "just I" was enough after all. Perhaps that is silly? And perhaps what is more silly is that I just can't shake this thought/feeling, very deep within myself that we will one day have our baby. Perhaps this is just wishful thinking, and I certainly won't be obsessing over AF etc. now, as I feel more happy and content with my life as it is, and able to take and enjoy each day as it comes. But....
I have tried to look at the positives that have come out of our journey so far.... The tests that we have done have shown that there is no physical reason why we can't conceive; although AF is irregular, I am still Oing and haven't begun early menopause (that's a relief!!); and (other than age!!) there is no reason why an angel won't smile on us and send a miracle our way one day. Like I always say - Where there is chance there is hope; and where there is hope there is chance.
I would like to thank so many of you strong, wonderful, supportive women. Women who - at a time when I thought my heart would break and so much sadness, fear and insecurity filled me - offered understanding, and words of support and encouragement, while facing their own struggles. I can honestly say that I would not have come this far in feeling able to get on with my life - happily - without the support that I have found when I needed it with this group of women. To those of you that have had great news I give my congratulations, and prayers for a healthy pg and beatuiful healthy baby. I wish everyone that is still TTC goodluck. You all remain in my prayers. (July 9, 2006)"
WELL THAT'S THE STORY SO FAR...
So here I am. Some days are good, some days not so good. One of the worst side-effects I got from the hormone treatments was nightly hot flushes, waking up in a sweat YUK!! So here I am thinking, well maybe I am perimenopausal after all, so off I went to a Chinese Dr. He started me on a herbal remedy, and guess what...... within 4 days NO MORE NIGHT SWEATS!!! YAAAY. I often say that when we stop TTCing, we don't really, because although the obsessing stops, there is always that hope that maybe there will be a surprise BFP someday (for me anyway). When we decided to stop, I thought I would focus on my overall health, I was really concerned about the night sweats and was feeling pretty lousy. The herbs seem to be fixing that, thank goodness. I got a new p/t job, working in a ladies fitness gym, a circuit style workout gym where I workout with members and show new prospectives around etc., so I am in a perfect working environment for focusing on health and fitness . I have also decided to combine acupuncture with my herbs and try to get my body into peak health. The thinking is that hopefully my body/mind/soul will be healthful to welcome a BFP...... and if that never happens, well hopefully I will feel healthy and strong within myself. That's the theory anyway. Over the last 12 months I have had mixed feelings about TTC. In my mind I have wanted to extend our family, in my feelings I have had some fears about doings this. I have been doing some work with the counsellor and a kinesiologist, to try to match my thoughts and feelings together. It's most probably to do with old fears and baggage from the past. I guess everything happens for a reason, to learn something from, so they say...... I can only hope that if and when our time comes, the journey we have taken to get there will make us better, stronger people and parents.
Last edited by angelwings65; 01-29-2008 at 02:55 AM.
We were watching TV the other night, A Current Affair. A segment came up about a woman that went into early menopause at 34 and was told by Dr's that her ovaries were not functioning anymore, she was having hot flushes and menopausal symptoms. She had no children and dearly wanted one, but accepted the fact that she couldn't. She went to an acupuncturist - hoping to normalise her hormone levels, but intent on at least managing her symptoms. You guessed it.... 4 months later she fell pregnant...... 9 months later gave birth to a baby girl. So me and DH just look at each other, smile and agree that it is good that I had already decided to take this path. He says "we we're gonna spend a lot on IVF, so we can put some money into this instead, and at worst you're feeling better and healthier." So that's great.... I think that's sweet that's great that we're on the same wavelength. BUT... The next morning I woke up crying after an awful dream. In my dream DH was telling me that he wanted me to leave, he wanted to be free to find somebody else. I asked if it was because we haven't been able to conceive and he said yes. I said you said that didn't matter and he just shrugged and said well we want what we want. So I guess there goes that awful old insecurity again!!! I felt pretty awful for most of the day. I went to work at the gym, only 2 hours so that picked me up a bit. And then I made a conscious effort to change my thoughts to a more positive (and realistic) mode and put it down to having it all on my mind again..... and feeling insecure Anyway it's a couple of days later and I don't feel so bad about it now. I am looking forward to seeing my Chinese Dr again this week and discuss incorporating acupunture into my treatment. Uh Oh, more needles - but I have had acupuncture and it was great, the needles don't hurt a bit - and when I had it for a neck problem, the pain went almost immediately. Am still taking herbs, and still no sweats so that's good.
Well, we've just been watching TV - again. This time an auction program where a team of 6 get $50,000 to buy items to sell at a huge auction... Anyway, one of the team was a 41 year old woman, that said "...and I have a baby boy..." So, of course I get an immediate gut reaction, and can't help myself comparing me to her, and looking for any signs and clues of the old question... why me???!! To be honest this is one of the things I really want to just get over ...comparing myself to others, which is therefore being competitive of others. I have always had quite spiritual beliefs, and definately believe in a higher mind/power (divine power, if you like), and that we really are all one at the very core of our existence. So, if we are all one, then I could be you and you could be me. Which means that anyone of us could walk a mile, (for good or bad, better or worse) in another's shoes. Anyway I guess that means that if I put myself in this womans shoes, then I am very happy - and hopeful - for all of us.
Last week I took a group of disabled people to Faith and Light, their weekly Church meeting, which I do most Tuesdays from 7-10pm, it's one of the jobs that I have. After singing they go into the hall and have supper. One of the workers (he's not disabled but I think a little slow) came rushing over and said "excuse me but are you pregnant" It was really cold and I was wearing a big coat and scarf... but... I laughed and said "no, why do I look fat". He was really embarrassed and apologised profusely, assuring me that, "no I didn't look fat it was just.... with the clothes etc...." I had a bit of a chuckle, and felt glad that I could be in that situation and not feel a knot in my guts so much now. Although I must say I couldn't help but think "hmm, wonder if that's an omen"
I have a 21 year old brother (step brother). He is from my father's second marriage. Because my parents abused my sister and I when we were children, and not much had changed when we reached adulthood, they both had a real knack of making me feel really bad - I decided to discontinue contact with both of them about 15 years ago. So, I hadn't seen my brother since he was 5 years old. When I made the decision not to have further contact with my dad, it weighed quite heavily on me that I would also be cutting contact with my brother, but I had to do what I did for my own wellbeing and sanity. I also have a sister who is 2 years younger than me, and due to our upbringing has had a great deal of problems throughout her life, including drug addiction. She has had 4 children, one when she was a teenager - adopted out, another who lives with his dad, and the others have been in and out of foster care since they were quite small. I have tried to help her here and there over the years, but nothing seems to change, so about a year ago I decided that I could not help her anymore. I didn't break contact - but I wouldn't allow her to live with me - so I haven't heard from her for over a year. I don't hold any bitterness towards her because I remember how it was when we were young - and some people just break - she was one of them. It's sad! Anyway my brother contacted me recently and we caught up for dinner!! It was great to see him - but also a little challenging for me. Dad called him while I was there, which was kinda confronting. I didn't go into any gory details of our childhood - I figured that my brother is from a whole new family era and didn't need to have that sh*@ floating around in his head. It was kinda weird though, talking a little about his upbringing - the fact that he'd been sent to private school... etc. etc. When I was 12 dad told me and my sister, that he was leaving and that we wouldn't see him until we were 18 as he didn't want to pay maintenance!!!! Ggggrrrrr!!! I did tell my brother that even though we have the same parent, I was born into a whole different family situation as dad was 18 when I was born and mum was 15, so they really had no parenting skills whatsoever. Domestic violence, sexual abuse from the age of 6-8, and psychological abuse were a very real part of our lives. I didn't mention to him that we had actually been abused, but I did say that the whole family scene was pretty scary. I also told him that I had thought about him over the years, but that I am a great believer that everything comes to you when it is meant too, in it's right time. I always believed that he would one day re-enter my life, and he did. I also believe that it is my sister's time to sort out her life for herself, and that in time I will also be able to re-establish a relationship with her. I hope so! It's really weird. When my sister first went off track again, about 18 months ago, I went to a psychic healer to discuss the situation. I did not mention my brother at all. She said "you have a brother..... he will be in contact with you within the next 1-2 years and it will be good for you etc...." She also said that I would have another baby, probably a boy, and quite possibly two very close in age. She was the third psychic (over a period of 8 years) that had said that I would eventually have another baby, a boy, and possibly two very close in age!!! Over the last 2 years I have recalled the words of these three psychics, and had decided that they were obviously full of sh#@! But, when my brother contacted me, I have to admit that I started to think hmm maybe there is something in it after all! The woman that told me this most recently, also told me that after her first 2 kids, they tried for another. Went and bought all the baby stuff etc. and a couple of years later nothing had happened, so they accepted that there would be no more kids for them, sold the cot, pram, etc. Three years later she fell pregnant (5 years to conception). So I guess the moral to this story is.....
There is always hope.... Let go and let God...... Let time and patience be your friend..... Always hold onto your dreams and keep having faith in yourself.
I have read recently that some people have very strong beliefs, when it comes to "letting go, and letting God". There are people that believe that assisted conception is somehow going against the Will of God. I respect other's opinions, but I strongly disagree. I also believe in the "let go and let God" philosophy, but I think it is sometimes God's Will that some of us have a certain path to walk. We are very quick to judge and condemn people, when it comes to reproduction - BUT - if a person were suffering with a mental illness, would we deny them the chance of a better life by taking some form of medication to help control their symptoms. If a person is suffering from a medical condition, and needs surgery, do we say "that's not God's Will, to have any intervention/assistance to help you ease your pain and suffering"? No, we do not. So why are people that are facing challenges with fertility sometimes judged so harshly for trying everything in their power to become parents. To me "letting go and letting God" means listening to your inner voice, the God within. Sometimes that means walking a path that entails medical treatment to help them reach that goal. For other's (like myself) this is not what God intended for them. When I embarked on IVF, my inner voice was telling me that this treatment was not for me, but because I had to at least try - I continued along that path. The hormones that I was taking was just way to much for my body, so.........body shutdown. During that time my inner voice was telling me that if I could practice patience, be accepting of love (my greatest challenge), and focus on my overall health and wellbeing - then all would come in it's time. The point is to "let go and let God" doesn't mean to "let go and let fate take over" - just to listen to the voice of God that speaks to all of us on a daily basis. Some call this intuition, some call this higher self. But whatever it means to you - I wish you peace and acceptance in wherever your journey leads you.
Well I'm feeling a little sad today. Acceptance -v- Hope, it's such a hard balance. I called my RE a few weeks ago wanting my hormone levels and guess what, they didn't have them, didn't do them!!! It makes me so mad to think that I put my trust into a medical professional, and find in the end that I still had no real answers about my body, and that the treatment that I was having was actually taking the reverse effect. Anyway I took matters into my own hands and had a CD3 bloodwork hormone test done. Well it didn't look too good. FSH 25, LH 18, E2 110, PROG 2.2. So it points to premature ovarian failure . I have spoken to my chinese Dr. who gave me the herbs to control the nightsweat symptoms I was having after clomid and puregon, and he seems to think that these levels may very well change, as our hormone levels can change each and every cycle . So I guess all I can do is keep on taking my herbs, continue to control the symptoms of such dramatic hormone changes within my body, and accept that I may never have another child. The thing is, I just can't give up the belief that we will one day have that surprise BFP, so some days it drives me crazy if I let my mind go there - like today.
On a good note - we went to see "The Boy From OZ" last weekend. It was just wonderful. I LOVE live theatre and most especially musical theatre. And Hugh Jackman - need I say more - just beautiful, and what a great voice. It was a great night out for me and DH.
About 6 years ago, I was on my own with my daughter, who was 4 years old, so I decided that I HAD to buy a home of my own - security for me and my girl. So I worked HARD, saved HARD, and in about 2 years had enough for a deposit on a house. The prices here had gone up enormously, so I ended up buying a country house, that was fully renovated and really lovely. I was soooo excited, we moved in, my daughter was almost 6 and kept saying "I always wished for a house just like this one, and now my wish has come true". I was so proud, and happy to at last have a place to call my own. I had experienced times throughout my life when I had nowhere to go, and if it weren't for special people and friends that I had met along the way - I don't know what would have become of me. I was determined to NEVER be in that position again. At first it was a culture shock - but after a few months I got used to being in a country town - plus it was only 45 min. drive from our nearest big city/town - so it was all good. I have been with my DH for about 3 years, and he is a lovely man BUT he has a very bad habit of seemingly putting my stuff down - my work, my house, just my stuff - makes it all seem unimportant and meaningless. After our long journey of TTC, and realising that the treatments were not working for us - I got a job that I loved, working in a ladies gym - great for motivation, fitness and just generally nice chatting and working out with the ladies. My job entails me working from 12-7pm three days a week. So our family life changed a little. On these 3 days DH would pick "our" daughter up from after school care and take her home, and I would get home about 7.15pm. I always made sure dinner was done before I left for work. When DH was tired/annoyed from his working day he would complain about "that new job interferring with our life... now I'm just the babysitter... etc. etc." Because he has also made derogatory comments in the past about my house, and also my previous job (disability carer) - again making it seem like my "stuff" was just not as important as his... these recent comments made me feel very angry. I couldn't help but feel that for the first time in the last couple of years - during the roller coaster journey of TTC - I actually felt really well and happy. I have ALWAYS been there for my family. I knew that these changes would impact a little on them - even my daughter, who was used to having me there all the time when she was little - and always after school once she got to that age - was OK with the new changes, and was actually quite proud of me having a new job that I loved. I was able to take her with me to work on a couple of occasions, and she loved being in the gym environment and kept asking could she come back with me tomorrow - good role modelling I thought. Anyway about 2 weeks ago, after another bout of negative comments I said to my DH that the only person that saw this arrangement as a "problem" was him, and that I could make other arrangements to make his life easier. I moved back into my country home - which I love. My daughter travels into school and back home on the bus, and on the 3 days I work, I have a close GF that lives in the town, Teagan is great mates with her son the same age, so she gets off the bus and goes straight to their house, plays all afternoon, has dinner with them and I pick her up about 7.45pm. I pay my GF for doing this - so everyone is happy. We come into town (45 min drive) each w/e and spend time with DH, with a view to resolving some of our issues with a bit of space between us - and perhaps one day soon coming back permanently into the same home??! WELL this week Teagan had a pupil free day on Friday, I work Thursday, so DH said "come in on Thursday night after work and stay till Monday - I'll pick Teagan up from daycare", so I thought OK sounds good - booked her into after school care and went to work as usual. About 2.45pm the phone at work rings and it is DH saying "I'm really sick.... don't know what to do.... been throwing up...", so I say "oh, hope your feeling better soon honey - can you still get Teagan", he replies "not sure, may feel better after a sleep I'll call in a couple of hours" I think that's no good, I have to arrange for her to be collected or go home on the bus before it's too late to organise something - so I contact my work manager, she comes in for 20 min while I go pick up my daughter and bring her to work with me - problem solved!!! THEN DH calls sounding quite chipper - and says "I feel much better now - I can go get Teagan", so I tell him not to worry it's all be arranged. The thing is I can't help but feel that the whole "I'm really sick" issue was made into a much bigger problem than it actually was - when he rang the first time you would have sworn the man was dying!! It really made me feel, once again, that when the chips are down I'm on my own with all the important stuff. It's real easy to "be there" when you don't have to do too much, but when there are responsibilities to be met.....??! Because I have been on my own, with absolutely no family support, with my daughter since she was born, (although in fairness I have had some great friends that have been somewhat helpful and supportive), DH's comments and attitudes made me think "well this is precisely the reason why I don't want to have another baby!!! I'll be left to deal with all the important stuff myself... it's easy to 'be there' when things are running smoothly, but what about the times when things go a little haywire??" and to be honest I don't know that I can go through with doing things on my own again, while trying to rear a happy, healthy, balanced child. Don't get me wrong, I have NEVER been sorry that I had my daughter, she is the "love of my life" and we have a great relationship - she was the gift to me from a bad situation - but can I do all that again? I don't think so.
I guess the good news is that I have a place of my own that I can get away to, this helps me clear my head and see things from a clearer, less emotional perspective. My DH and I are willing to work out these issues and try to communicate as best we can (not always easy) about our individual needs. I have a beautiful, happy daughter, that is thrilled to be back in our own house with her friends so close by (kids just think so in the moment - God love them). Maybe this is selfish of me - but I have been looking after people in my work for years, and now I have a job that I can also look after myself a bit - and I really feel that it is my turn to take a little bit. And the best news of all STILL NO MORE HOT FLUSHES - YAAAAAY!!!
Well the weekend is progressing nicely. After arriving at "our" home in town, DH asked if I was annoyed and I said "yes a little". He didn't like that answer very much, and said he will never ring me when he is sick again!!! I told him it wasn't that he was sick, if he had of rang to say I'm sick and can't go, then I would have just organised things - as I did - but to ring in "high drama", and then less than an hour later be "feeling fine", made me feel a bit annoyed. I explained that lately things seem to be made into a bigger drama than they have too. The one thing that has really changed me in our TTC journey, is the fact that I just don't want to "sweat the small stuff" anymore. I don't want to worry over things that can easily be fixed and resolved. I want to "go with the flow" and let the little things just pass, and just set about resolving the bigger issues, without worrying and making them into a bigger problem or drama. It's just not worth it!! Anyway - we are having a nice weekend so that's good. I'm aiming to be a bit more childlike - and live in the moment a bit more. Enjoy things as they unfold. Not always easy I admit. We had a great heavy rain a few nights back, and the roof in the "country home" is leaking. OH NO!! I almost swung straight back into my usual high strung response. But thought - no, I just have to arrange to have this fixed. So rang the insurance company, who are sending a builder on Tuesday - if insurance won't cover because of wear and tear, then a builder lives next door and he will do the job for me instead. Couldn't get much easier than that I guess.... Just hope it doesn't cost too much!!!
Hope all is well with you - may God bless and all your dreams come true
PS: Have since had the roof fixed. Insurance did not cover but the builder neighbour did the job and it only cost $450.00, cheaper than my insurance excess which is $500.00!!! So I guess there is a God after all!!
I moved back into "our" house with my DH this weekend. Sometimes I wonder if I am just crazy - when I think of getting so upset and hurt about negative, niggly comments - while other people have dealt with, and are dealing with much bigger problems, it makes me feel very humbled. I can only say that (as we all know on these boards) the frustrations and disappointments faced in TTC and coming to terms with the possibility of infertility comes as a big shock - which can sometimes make the little things in life seem so hard to deal with. Although, at this stage in my life, I truly believe that a true and loving partnership entails both people having respect for each other's individuality and allowing each other the freedom to do and have the things that make us happy and make us who we are. I never complain when DH plays golf each Saturday morning, I don't worry about the times he wants to go fishing - because I love him and want him to have his own space and time. I realize that we sometimes have to compromise some of the things we might like to do in order to maintain a balance in our relationship - but when it comes to work, sport, hobbies - then sometimes we need to be able to give that freedom - and take a little back for ourselves - perhaps that's selfish, but I really don't thinks so. When Teagan was very young, and I was very unhappy in my previous relationship, I began to feel that I would just "put up with things" as my life was over now because I was a mum and that must come first. I was only 32 years old!! I still believe that mothering is the most important and joyful task I will have ever undertaken, but to think that my life was over, and my needs did not matter was just unrealistic, and I believe not good role modelling for my daughter. So as I try to have a happy marriage through all the good times and bad I strive for a balance between being a mum, a wife and just being myself. I want to be the best person I can possibly be - I have spent many years looking after other people, which I truly love - but I have recently realized that it is just as important for us to look after ourselves - be kind to ourselves - and love ourselves as much as we love others. When we fall out of whack, through trying so hard to keep everybody else happy, then our health suffers greatly - physically, spiritually and emotionally. A woman at the gym was telling me about a massage therapist, that specialises in bowen therapy. This is a very gentle massage treatment that helps to realign the inner functioning of the body - both on an emotional and physical energy level. So, of course I have made an appointment and I will begin work with her next Thursday. I had previously seen a kinesiologist, after which I had a great feeling of wellbeing - but she only works 2 days a week and regularly goes on holiday, so it is very hard to get a regular appointment with her - plus she is VERY expensive. This new therapist works on a more regular basis, and only charges $30.00 per appointment, so I can commit to seeing her on a regular basis. At first we will just work on balancing my system, so it is suggested that I see her every 2-4 weeks. Then we will begin specific fertility work, which involves increasing bloodflow and also moves to the pelvic area which dilates the cervix thus increasing the chances of conceiving, this is done just before AF is due and a pg test must be done beforehand to ensure that I am not pg whilst doing this treatment. At this stage I don't know a great deal about the treatment - but as always I am willing to explore a wholistic natural approach to TTC - and will try anything (that doesn't involve mucking about with my natural hormone levels). If nothing else I'm sure it will be a positive experience. Anything involving massage sounds good to me.
Here's to still hoping for our own little miracle