Well I'm living back in our "town" house with my DH. Life has been good. I guess sometimes it's good to have an "emotional cleanout" and put a little distance between us. Things have gone back to normal, but we are much more respectful of each other's individual activities and commitments. DH has been a real sweetie, on the days I work he often cooks our dinner and when I prepare the meal before I leave for work, he helps me with the cleanup later. On the downside my AF is extremely late again this cycle, currently on CD48, soooo frustrating!! My last cycle was 48 days also, so guessing I' annov. lately . Oh well, no use obsessing over something so totally beyond my control. All I can do is keep up with the herbs & vitamins and try to keep my mind, body and spirit in optimal health for whatever lies ahead in this journey called life. I went to see the bowen therapist. She was just lovely, and the treatment was good - I think. It was a very gentle massage treatment and felt good - not sure if it will actually do anything to regulate my cycles, but it certainly can't hurt. As always just hoping for the best. It seems so unfair - I feel so young and yet my body seems to be telling a different story. It has really made me open my eyes and have a great deal of understanding for women that are a lot older than me. At the gym where I work there are quite a few members aged 50 and over - the oldest is 71 God love her!! When I am working out with them and chatting, a lot of them open up to me about their feelings and physical changes occuring in their bodies (I am the oldest staff member, all the others are in their 20's, but hey I'm still keeping up with them all ). I look at these women and see in them the girl that they were - still are on the inside - in their souls. It seems a terrible shame that so many people have let their life slip through their fingers, thinking that there is plenty of time (I am one of them) - only to find that even though they still feel as youthful in their hearts and soul - time really stands still for no man. I say if you have a dream go for it. Don't let fear stand in your way. Be prepared to take a risk if it means reaching for your very own star. God bless
Well, life has been good. Am back full time with DH and we have been getting along great. I went back to work for a couple of days in the disability day programs that I used to work before the gym. It was challenging as always, but also good to be there since I have had a good break away. I said to DH "I could always go back a couple of days a week and give up the gym job - it would be a lot easier hours wise (10am-3.30pm) I could pick Teagan up from school each day and he could just come home from work like before" he said "no don't do that, you love working at the gym and you have to think about yourself too", so I was kinda blown away - it's nice to have some support for my needs and wants as well - and it makes our life together so much nicer as I want to also do things with and for him when I'm feeling happier. I have been spending quality time with Teagan too. Because I am getting home from work at 7pm 3 days a week, we make Saturday mornings our time. John plays golf until about 1pm, so Teagan and I go for breakfast and shopping or sometimes to see a movie, it's been really nice. I finally got AF - not sure what cycle day - but it was a looooong one!! Wonder what this next cycle will bring?? It has been such beautiful weather "down under" it is now springtime and the smells are just beautiful, jasmine, roses, lavender lots of flowers everywhere (not great for everyone I know, I really feel for those that suffer with sinus/hayfever). We're off on holidays in about 2 weeks, going up to QLD to stay at a beach resort, I can't wait. I'm thinking of moving this journal to the general journals but I don't know how.... if anyone does I'd appreciate a reply post with directions. Thanks.
OK it looks like I'm here to stay. Not much has been happening. I rejoined my choir group this week. It was great to be back after a long stay away. I go along on Monday evenings for practice and we sing out in the community every now and then. Next week we are sining at a small country town festival, with market stalls etc. I sang there last year and it was lots of fun. We also do the big end of year carols by candellight. That is a fantastic night as we are on stage the whole night, and sing quite a few carols, but even when we are not singing we have a birdseye view of all the other acts and it is so beautiful when it gets dark and all the people light their candles, I get a bit teary just thinking about it - CAN'T WAIT!! DH and I started doing ballroom dance classes, he he he!!! When I first booked DH was quite looking forward to it - but as the week passed and the actual day grew closer he began saying "oh yeah that's right.... I have to go dancing!!!!" Anyway, I thought even though he does get tired after work etc. etc. I'm not letting him off the hook, so off we went. We had a great time. He really enjoyed it - it was only for an hour and he did great. We just learned a few simple steps and of course both thought we were Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers!!! It was a laugh. I decided to return to my day job and start back there in about 3 weeks, (after our holiday). So my hours will go back to normal again. I will do 2 days a week with disability programs, and work 1 Saturday morn. and maybe a couple of early mornings (2 hours) at the gym. So I'm really happy about that. I will get to be home of an afternoon again, but still keep my foot in the door at the gym. Thank you God. I have ordered some fertility vitamins off the net, as I have gotten my nightsweats entirely under control and have decided to give the chinese herbs a miss for a while as they are so expensive. I hope I am making the right decision regarding getting a good/fertile hormonal balance. When I went to see the Chinese Dr. he asked if I would do IVF again - that doing IVF combined with accupuncture gives a 50% increased rate of success. It made me think about getting back on the IVF wagon - just what I DON'T WANT. Came home and discussed this with DH and we both just said "no, no no!!!" I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though, I was VERY, VERY tempted to rush straight back to my RE after what the Chinese Dr had said, I just know that it had such a terrible effect on my overall health, that I just don't want to put myself back there. As much I would love to share a child with DH I think for us it is better to just "let go and let God". I hope God smiles on us one day. In the meantime I just keep looking at all the good things in my life. Trying not to be sooooo emotional. And when those nasty, trying times come to interfere with our lives and DH and I argue (which we can do at times, quite vocally - both quite strong minded and STUBBORN!!) try to let go of the bad thoughts and not hold onto negative things that have been said (I can sometimes hold a bit of a grudge - not good) and try to remember all the nice words and actions that have been shared between us instead. I read somewhere that forgiveness is not forgetting but a choice to let go of our resentment and wishes for retribution, a gift to ourselves of true healing, which is at the core of love and justice. This is not always an easy task and requires a high level of emotional and ethical maturity, but is the antidote to the feelings of helplessness, resentfulness and anxiety that underlie most of our unhappiness..... And that's what I want to be when I grow up.
As always God bless you all
Well quite some time has passed since I've posted here. Lot's of good stuff has happened. We had a brilliant holiday at the beach. Work has been going along nicely. Our daughter is beautiful and her end of year Christmas concert is coming up very soon - how exciting. I am now working with a naturopath to help achieve optimal hormonal health and eventual conception. I am very happy with the treatment so far - I have only just started with her. I have been given a liquid herb/vitamin that I have to take twice a day - it has been specifically made up for my particular levels and health. I have been asked by her to get any test results from our RE, so that should be interested considering months and months ago when I rang and asked for a simple E2 result from previous blood test - THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT!!! So I'm trying not to fret about calling them up, for some reason it always makes me feel a little stressed dealing with "the clinic". Anyway DH says just ring and ask for the result of any tests that we had done to be sent out to us - we paid for them and we're entitled to them. He's right of course, so that's exactly what I will do. Tomorrow!! God bless you all. Here's to a happy, healthy and joyful 2007.
Well here I still am. The herbs I have been taking seem to be doing something good. For the first time in the last 2 years this cycle started right on day 27!!! Yaay!! Guess I shouldn't get too excited, but it's good to feel that my body is doing something at a "regular" pace for a change. I have been taking my herbs morning and night. I wonder what the next cycle will bring? It'll be great for me (even if AF does come), if the witch visits around the 28 day mark again!! Here's hoping - or better still not at all with a BFP instead . The new naturopath seems to know her stuff. Because she is in another state to where we live, I am communicating to her via the net. I came across her after watching yet another current affair program that featured several women aged over 40, that had tried IVF unsuccessfully, and were each told that they would be unable to ever conceive, only to come across this woman, and since had babies!! The difference with this program was that they actually gave out contact details. Needless to say this clinic was inundated with calls, but I'm now one of their clients. I guess if it worked for others it could always work for me. Either way, I am feeling much more optimistic about the whole TTC journey. The naturopath asked me to begin charting (which I had not done before), so although I am no longer obsessing, I am enjoying the natural process of monitoring my body. It is not the ordeal that I always imagined it would be. I also contacted my previous RE clinic and asked about getting ALL of mine and DH's test results. They gave me a "request to access medical records" form, so I should receive something in the new year - hopefully!! So all in all it feels good to be doing something proactive, that is also good for my body. I have not had anymore sweats (hot flashes) since...... I can't remember!!! So that's also been great news. I've been reading some posts on the TTC fertility threads, and I agree that sometimes Dr's have their own interests at heart, and often are "walking blind". Talking about the blundering of medical professionals.... My daughter had a head cold and sore throat, had chicken pox about 6 weeks ago and also an ear infection while we were on our holidays. A few days ago we noticed that she had a few small lumps up on the back of her neck, under her skin. I took her to the Dr (not our regular GP as he was booked out that day, so another in the same clinic). He felt around her neck and said "it is probably just her lymph nodes swelled up due to fighting her infection BUT you need to take her for a blood test as it could be leukemia or some other form of blood cancer" He said this in front of her (she is 10!!!!). I immediately started to tear up - but held it together as I didn't want to scare her. When we got into the car to leave she started to cry and said "I want to live mum - have I got cancer??!!!) I reassured her as best I could, but was fighting back tears myself. We went for the blood test (the Dr had told us it would take a week to get the results) At pathology I asked when the results would come back and they said the next day (today). SO I rang the medical centre first thing this morning and explained to the receptionist what we had been told, and that I would want the results AS SOON AS THEY CAME IN - that I now have a daughter who is terrified that she has cancer. The woman was very understanding, and spoke to our regular Dr. We ended up getting the result first thing this morning - ALL IS FINE - THANK GOD. The moral to this story...... Although I am sure that most Dr's have their patients best interests at heart, a great many of them have absolutely no idea about compassion and sensitivity to instilling worry and horror in the hearts of many people. Of course there is a place for medicine, and medical treatments have obviously helped a great many people - BUT for me when it comes to the medical profession, I have very little respect and even less trust. I have spoken to several women that attended the same RE clinic that I did, the only one in our (large) rural area, who have not been at all happy with the service - so I guess it's not just "all in my head", we can't all be wrong. Anyway, there is still hope in my heart that we will someday extend our family - and gladness that I am at least doing something good for my body. Merry Christmas to all and may there be many wonderful suprises in store all round in 2007. God bless.
OK, OK, so here comes another whinge about the medical profession, in particular the RE that I was attending last year. Since I contacted the fertility naturopath, I have been taking a liquid herbal tonic. For the past 4 cycles I have had a very respectable 23-27 day cycle - GREAT NEWS!! Went from 40-50 days to a much more "normal" 23-27 days, so I'm thinking great, if nothing else then I am getting my body into some sort of normal pattern. That also gave me some hope that maybe one day we would after all have our BFP. During one of my consultations the naturopath asked that she be sent a copy of all of mine and DH's test result that were done during our time with the RE. So I received a copy of the results a couple of months ago. SURPRISE, SURPRISE... When I looked at DH's semen analysis I found that the MAR IgA test (immunological test of sperm), showed a slight "abnormal". Anything over 10% is considered to be suspect of immunological infertility, but highly probable if higher than 50%. DH was 15%, so "slight" problem. His initial count was very high, motility was 65% with 50% being normal, but his morphology was 18% with a normal count being higher than 15%, so again a slightly low reading, but within normal range. Then I saw our IUI semen analysis. Initial sample was low volume, count and motility - and guess what NOBODY TOLD US ANY OF THIS!!!!!! When I spoke to the RE's counsellor (a wonderful woman that I still see from time to time), and voiced my concerns about the results of this test, and more importantly NOT BEING TOLD ANY OF IT, she advised that I might like to put in a greivance. So I thought, yes I would do that. I couldn't help but feel that at the time we had our IUI, we also had the option of going full leap to IVF. We were not told that his IUI sample was a bit on the low side so went ahead with IUI instead. We would definately have opted to IVF had we thought for one moment that there may be any problems with DH sperm, no matter how slight. So yep, I think, put in a greivance. Well my consellor asked permission to phone the RE and let them know what had happened with a view to getting an apt. with the gyno at the RE (as we only ever really dealt with the nurses). I agreed. Within hours I received a phone call from the nurse who had dealt with us at the time of IUI. She said she wanted to speak with me before I went in to see Scott (gyno - her boss). She said that she had looked at the semen results and she just wanted to let me know that they had not made a mistake - that there was no way the DH was 80% infertile (WTF). That yes there was a slight problem with the MAR result but it was so slight she didn't think it important to mention. I replied that the issue was not whether DH was 80% infertile (don't know how she got to that figure), but rather that with his MAR count, and a borderline morphology count, coupled with the fact that his IUI result was low count, etc etc., that I felt that this was could have been a co-contributor to our fertility challenges. She agreed that yes it could have some bearing, but that the low count etc. was taken for IUI and that count was before semen preparation. Oh, yeah, so now they add sperm to a sample taken for IUI - I don't think so. I do know that after prep. assist with motility, but not count!! So I suggest that seeing as though his count was low, volume low, and motility low - coupled with MAR result, and morphology boderline - what % of the IUI sperm was actually healthy enough to create a healthy fertilisation. I also said that when couples go into RE they are usually very confused and looking for some assistance or answers or even just some pieces of the puzzle to be put together to make some sense. I told her that when I was going to my apt. - every time I was there I was told basically that I was too old "oh, you are 40....." and that my progesterone was a bit low at 28. I finally found out that normal prog. is 25 but they like to see it at around 30+. So 25 is normal, mine was 28, within normal range - but I was told repeatedly "ooooh, you are 40, and prog. a bit low...." In the end I felt like a past it antique with an abnormally functioning body. Why couldn't they give us a complete picture? Why if DH sperm count was low in 2nd sample, did they not do another analysis the following month (considering we soldiered on with the RE for another six months - what a waste of time, emotion and money)? Past history is that I had my daughter (now 10) to previous partner, fell pg. three months after deciding that we would. (OK 10 years is a long time and things can change, I had accepted that). DH previously married very young because X fell pg. had m/c and could not fall again after that (but she also has a son from previous marriage). So DH was married previously for 14 years - and no children. I am not looking for "cause" or "blame" for our infertility. The one thing that I have learned about TTC is that it is in no way a precise science. There are many, many variables (and two people are involved in the process - not just one), so I REALLY, REALLY think, that if a couple has gone to the extent of consulting RE, then they have a right to have the WHOLE PICTURE given to them. Every possible factor that could be contributing to their struggles. This is important as knowledge is power, knowledge brings peace, and having all of the information gives couples other avenues to explore. I would never have thought about DH taking herbs etc. as we thought all along that his analysis was "fantastic" "normal" "no worries" and OK it's not that bad and dreadful, but there are certainly factors there that could have been dealt with, and maybe given us a better chance of a successful outcome than we had. I have a workmate that told me her sister and BIL were TTC#2, were just about to go into IVF, had some tests done, found DH has slight low count, put him onto herbs for a couple of months before IVF, and bingo BFP - just before going into IVF. So even though I'm not naive enough to think that this is the magic answer for us - it would have been nice to have had that knowledge earlier so we could at least have made a more informed decision during RE consultations, and used herbs as a complimentary to IVF. Anyway I guess all of this is just blah, blah, blah - because it doesn't change a damn thing. I have an apt. to see Scott in a couple of weeks, and the thought kind of depresses me. But I really want to get this off my chest, and maybe get some answers (probably just excuses), and put the whole thing behind me once and for all. If I ever can. Am going to have another cry now.
Well I went and had that cry, but you know what, it was a good thing that I got those results. I skim read some of my previous posts and thought wow, no wonder we haven't conceived (yet?). All those barriers, fears and insecurities didn't help whilst travelling along the TTC road, and facing many emotions and fears at the same time. It didn't help that we had come into the relationship only a year prior to entering into treatment, both with our own past baggage. I guess those results were the catalyst of really letting go of some past hurts. Words that had been spoken along the way. Words said out of our own hurt and confusion, but that were said during my time of deep emotional turmoil of entering into IVF. Words that I had taken to heart as I struggled with my own identity in coming to terms with my "infertility". After a period of emotional upheaval. After many tears and much time spent healing and forgiving ourselves and each other for our faults, and the pain we had caused each other in our hurtful words. After each of us consciously facing our fears and committing to changing our negative behaviours. We have finally found peace. We are building our new home, which we move into in three months time. It is a beautiful large family home. We are intending, some time in the future, to provide temporary foster care to children in need. Because of my own upbringing I have always had this intention. I am foster care trained and have fostered adolescents in the past. We are intending to foster younger children in the future. We are in no hurry to do this, as we are happy with our little family as it is right now. I am now writing a book on TTC-How to Stay Sane When It's a Long Time Coming!! Maybe this is for my own therapy, but I am hoping that one day I can pass on something useful from my own experiences for women who are strugging with the many issues involved in Trying To Conceive. I'm also hoping to start a home business in aromatherapy massage (which I hold certificates in) and health and beauty products. So I guess that's given me a goal and something creative to focus on. In the meantime I love to spend time with my 10yo (soon to be 11 and becoming quite the young lady ), and my DH, although it's currently winter "down under" so we're kind of hibernating at the moment . Am I happy? Yes I can say at last that I am. Am I pregnant? No. Do I still believe we will have our baby? HELL YES! But you know what - if that never really happens I finally realised I already have a beautiful and loving family, no matter what happens.
God bless you all. May all your dreams come true, and may babydust blow your way
Well who would have thought I would be sitting here the very next morning, after writing what I thought would be my last entry for some time to come. Today I took two HPT's as I am a little late with AF. Guess what, both positive!!!! I know it's only early days, and there's a long road ahead until we hold our baby in our arms. But for now I am very happy. I wish every one of you happiness, and am sure you will all have the families you wish for - because guess what?
Miracles really do happen
PS: the post date above is incorrect, here in oz it's actually Sat. 10.30 am, July 7, have a great weekend everyone
If you have kept up with my story you would know that I had a m/c at about 9 weeks. So that was back in September. Needless to say I was crushed. Not only was I sad and greiving for my own loss, but felt that I had let DD and DH down so terribly. I let myself grieve and our family really pulled together during this difficult time. My poor darling daughter, who had been so excitied about having a little brother or sister, and my poor darling DH who was looking forwarding to finally fathering a child of his own. They both took the loss very well. Of course we all cried, but they bounced back very quickly and assured me of how my welfare was paramount, and that we all had each other, etc. etc. I however found it difficult to accept. I did "get over" it quite quickly in terms of back to work, and putting in place activities and goals to help me focus my attention on more positive things. But of course the tears would come. The thoughts of what might have been. And my faith was so shaken. It seemed like such a cruel joke - to have come to terms with the idea of not having more children - although I always believed in the back of my mind that we would. Then to fall pg naturally, only to suffer such a sad loss. It's just not fair. I say that while knowing that others have suffered far greater loss and that I am lucky in comparison to some. But the pain that I felt....... During all of this we were building a new home. So about a month after the m/c we moved, which was great at first. It really felt like a brand new start. But I was exhausted, totally exhausted - and DH was Mr energiser man. This was great as he got into the garden and has done a great job. But it wore me out completely. After doing my bit, and making the house lovely and cosy, with all our things where they needed to be - I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. I began to feel depressed and really question whether I even wanted to be in this relationship anymore. There were no arguments - just a sad feeling that maybe there was just nothing left for us together anymore. The last few months have been a struggle and also a breakthrough. DH and I have found new understanding of each other, the love has always been there, but the communication has not always been good - that is so much better now. I am being listened to more. The room in our new home that was going to be the nursery, I have turned into an aromatherapy/massage/beauty retreat. I have qualifications in this area and have decided to advertise and try to start a small business from home. The room that I had such hopes and dreams for - although it doesn't even begin to come close to what it may have been - has been turned into a room of lovely colour (pinks, greens, browns), with plants and beautiful pure essential oils which makes the room smell beautiful. I am combining guided meditations with my massages, so sometimes I go and sit on my beautiful pink chair and listen to a meditation - it brings me some measure of peace and happiness. There will always be a place inside me of a little sadness. I can hardly believe that the one thing I have always treasured and yearned for. The one thing that I waited so long for (because of my own fears of not wanting to be like the family I was brought up in - the memories of abuse, and the legacy that left for me and my sister) I seem not able to have. I am so grateful for the family that I do have, for the beautiful daughter that I love so much. There were times along this journey of mine, that I would look at my daughter and a real terror would grip my heart, at the thought of not having her when I did. My life has been one less ordinary. I've always wanted to have just a normal life. You know get married, have kids, family etc. That has always seemed just a little out of my reach somehow. Not that I didn't have offers, because I did, but my childhood left me only wanting marriage if it was "perfect" and for the "right reasons". Lots of girls I knew fell pregnant so that their boyfriend would marry them, others manipulated their boyfriends by giving them ultimatums - I didn't want that for myself or my future husband. I know I had a lot to deal with growing up. And that left me with a lot to mend in my early adult years. And I contended myself healing and dealing with my past - KNOWING that one day I would have the family that I so craved. I was prepared to wait. I knew that I would be an older mum by doing that, and I knew that there would be some pros and cons of this - but I never thought that I would face the difficulties that I have. I guess that's just plain arrogance. I have learned a lot through all of this. A lot about myself, a lot about the world and about just following your dreams before it is too late. About not allowing fear to hold you back, just doing it and doing your best. I hid myself away for a lot of years. For the best years of my life really. I was attractive, young and to other people appeared to be successful. Lots of people wanted to be my friend. And I did socialise of course, but only ever really from a distance. I spent a great deal of my time alone. I was scared to get too close to anybody - because my life's experience had taught me that it is that hand that loves you that hurts you the most. Although I don't live my life in regret, and I do still hope and dream, like a small child I wish I had been braver. I wish I had let myself shine when I was shining brightest. I was always so concerned about "doing the right thing", about other people's feelings and not wanting to "outshine" those around me - that I hid myself from others. When it was my turn to be the centre of attention I held myself back. Thinking that was ok and knowing that my time would come. Well my time did come. I did finally put to rest most of my past demons. I did find a measure of self worth, and build a good and decent life for myself. I did have my beautiful baby, and I did finally learn that abusive relationships are in no way loving, and I found a partner who, although we've had our moments, is not violent or abusive (in ways that I have seen and lived), and who loves me very much. I believed that my time had finally come, ok later in life but that was alright, and then I learned that my picture of the family I would one day build might not be what "God" had in mind for me after all. Even though I have found peace and feel happy in my life now - I still wonder why! I suppose I will always have a little part of me feel slightly cheated, and a little part of me feel slightly regretful of my own choices. But the biggest part of me looks at the lovely girl that I brought into this world. The girl that I laugh and joke with, the girl that astounds me with her wisdom and outlook for one so young, the girl that frustrates and wants to argue with me, the girl that throws her arms around my neck, kisses my cheek and tells me that she loves me more than anything in the whole word. The girl that I love more than anything in the whole world. The girl that is my daughter.
Last edited by angelwings65; 10-21-2008 at 04:17 AM.