so i'm guess i am doing a little better, but still not great. I am back at work now, which is probably good for me, but i'm tired of people talking to me about it all day. I know they have good intentions, but i just don't want to talk about it. I guess i really learned my lesson about telling people that early.
So I decided to start a hard copy journal at home, somewhere that I can put my private thoughts, and somewhere that i can keep the pics of the tests and u/s for little peanut so that i always know where they are.
Someone sent us flowers last night, but the stupid florist hasn't delivered them yet, apparently this florist only delivers during the day, don't they know that most people work during the day???? so she said that the owner would deliver them at 9 last night, when the shop closed, well he never showed. It really pissed me off, someone went to the trouble of ordering the flowers for us, and gave money to this store, and the store can't even deliver them properly. Wow, this stuff normally doesn't bother me so much.
So still waiting to miscarry, nothing is happening yet. I took my temp this morning and it was still high, so i have my doubts that i will miscarry on my own. I really wish that this was just all over, but i just really don't want to have a d&c unless completely necessary.
well i guess i should get some work done, i didn't do anything yesterday.....
i'm feeling like crap today, not sure why all of a sudden. I have been pretty good the last few days, but today i am not for some reason. I really hate not having control over my emotions. DH and I were talking today about how crappy thing are right now, losing the baby, his work is really busy, he is right in the middle of school and has no time, the snow is relentless which isn't good for the mood, and the fact that DH has to shovel every night. But then he said, just think, in a couple months, i will be done school, work won't be so busy, the snow will be gone and we can get back to baby making. He is so sweet, i really don't know what i would do without him. I would probably be in the looney bin.
i'm so nervous, i am going for my u/s today, and if it shows the same thing as last time then she will be giving me the meds to start the miscarriage. I just want to cry. I have been fine for a while, but now its like i am going to relive the whole thing over again. I wish it would have just happened when i found out and then it all would have happened at the same time. Everyone keeps telling me that they could have been wrong, and that i could go back today and everything will be fine. But i think i know better than that. They should have seen a heartbeat at the last u/s, and apparently they saw nothing, so i am really not holding out any hope, which is why i have already made my angel ticker.
I also have another vent....about people who have no idea what you are going through, but decide to give you advise and tell you what is going to happen. I was talking to my mom on the weekend, and we were trying to plan my sisters birthday party, and i said i didn't want to have it this coming weekend because i may not feel up to going out considering they are going to be giving me the drugs this week. She says "oh by Saturday you will be fine, it doesn't take that long". I was thinking, yeah, cause you know anything about miscarrying. She had four children without hardly trying and never had a miscarriage. I was concieved when she was wearing an IUD for god sake, and still carried me to term with no problems, and I am the first one in my family to ever have a miscarriage, so she really has no idea what i am going through, or what i should expect to happen. It just made me so angry that she thinks that i should just get it over with, pick myself up and go partying. She doesn't even take into account the emotional aspect.
I really wish i could just wake up and have this all be a bad dream.
well its over. I took the drugs on Tuesday night and they started working within half an hour. I can't believe how much pain I had. My doc told me that i would have cramping, but OMG, that was the understatement of the century. I was screaming in pain. I was taking advil, but that didn't work at all, i think i needed something much stronger, but my doc didn't give me any pain medication.
Its pretty much done now i think, i'm still bleeding a bit, but not as much as before. Right now i am just hoping my body goes back to normal as quickly as possible and we can start trying again. I really hope it doesn't take me another 17 months to get preggers again, everyone keeps telling me that now that i have gotten pregnant i will get pregnant easily now, but i don't completely believe that, i have seen that that doesn't always happen. I'm trying to be positive, its just really hard right now.
well it looks like the bleeding is about to stop....thanks god. Its just spotting now, and I took a HPT this morning just to see if the levels are going down, and its pretty much negative now, there is a very faint line there but hardly even visible. I'm very sad that all this is over now, but kind of happy that my body is doing what it should and getting back to normal. Now i just hope my next AF comes in good time and doesn't take forever to get here, my temps are all over the board right now, but i've read thats normal after a miscarriage. Another good thing is that my cervix doesn't seem to hurt as much. This may sound weird, but I've been quite horney lately, which is strange, but i haven't had any kind of action since Jan 7th, 2 days before i found out i was pregnant. But i was finding lately when i would get aroused my cervix would really start to hurt, but now it seems to be feeling better. I really hope when i go back to see my doc for my follow up appt., she will say we can BD again, even though i she told us that between now and my next AF we have to use protection, which really sucks.....i wish i could just try again right away.
so i think the spotting has gone away too, i can't believe this is totally over and i am not pregnant anymore. I have to start back at the beginning with all the cycle monitoring and clomid and such, i really thought i was done with all of that....i can't believe i have to start it all over again.
I just found out that my landlord is pregnant, she is a year younger than me, and has two kids already. I knew they were trying, but apparently it happened right away for them. She is 3.5 months pregnant, so we were pretty much the same, our due dates would have been 2 weeks apart, so now everytime i see her baby i am going to think that I should have a baby the same age. I'm really not sure how i am going to deal with that.
I also have to stop going to this website i used to go to every day when i was pregnant that shows you the development week by week. I still keep going to it to see what my baby would look like now, cause i would be 12 weeks today, its crazy, so not healthy but i can't help myself.
I have to make a follow up appt this week since i am not bleeding anymore to make sure my uterus has been cleaned out and is back to normal, i just wish we could try again right now and not have to wait until after my next AF.
well its been a little while since i've written. I went for my follow up ultrasound this week and everything is fine and has been cleaned out, so now i just have to wait for AF to arrive to start trying again. Its very frustrating all the waiting. So i've decided that i need something else to take up my time and hold my focus, so i decided to try and get healthy and lose some weight. So i joined weight watchers last wednesday. It felt really good the first week, being back on track with my eating and stuff, i got off track for quite a while. So at my first wednesday weigh-in (i do it myself because i do WW online) i was down 4.5 lbs. I was so happy. I really didn't think i would lose that much because my birthday was that week and i had 2 days that i didn't eat all that well. But nevertheless, 4.5 lbs. I am really motivated now, and hope that this will take my mind off TTC a bit so i'm not driving myself crazy. I guess we'll see how that goes.....
well i haven't been very good at writing here. AF still hasn't arrived, i believe i am CD42 or something crazy, i am assuming that is normal though, but quite frustrating since i just want to get back on the TTC train. I never thought i would ever wish for AF to arrive.
Since the last time i wrote, i haven't been very good with WW, my arthritis came back with a vengence after the miscarriage, and i have been in excrutiating pain for the past couple of weeks, so needless to say i didn't feel like preparing meals and cutting up veggies and stuff, i was just eating whatever was easy. I went to my rheumatologist yesterday finally and got a cortisone shot so i am feeling much better today, and ate healthy all day, i have no idea what to make for dinner today.
I have to make a little side note here, I have been lurking alot lately without saying much, haven't had much to say since i'm still kind of in limbo, but i just want to take this opportunity to say how happy i am for some of you out there that have had your dreams come true, i have been stalking a couple of you just to make sure that everything is fine and you are progressing nicely, namely Amber and Lisa, i couldn't be happier for the two of you and i wish you nothing but happiness in the future with your LO's, and for you Lisa with your 2 little ones, that is awesome by the way. I wish everyone that that has gotten their BFP's in the last while the best.
well the cortisone shot only lasted that one day and all the benefits went away. I have been struggling the last few days with the decision of whether to take a few months off of TTC to go back on my meds, or to tough it out and hope i get preggers fast and also hope i go into remission again. I'm still not able to make the decision. I haven't gotten AF yet either, today is CD52, and not sure when its going to come.
I am so tired today too, i can't seem to keep my eyes open.
So when i got pregnant i started crocheting myself some blankets, they were really cute, but since my m/c i decided i would give them away to friends who are having babies, i just finished one the other day and i am almost finished another, i will post pics soon if i can get a functional camera soon.
well i started spotting on Friday, i was so excited that AF was finally coming, well i'm still spotting 4 days later. Not sure exactly what is going on, i don't know if this is AF or what. I am supposed to have an u/s on CD3, but if this is AF then i have missed it. I don't know what to think. I am having brown stuff, i had some come out on a pad yesterday, but mostly its just when i wipe, so i don't know what this is. I guess i will just wait and see, and if we have missed CD3 then we will just do this cycle on our own and start clomid next month.....I'M SO CONFUSED.
Some good news, i got my new camera on Friday, its awesome, its 8 mega pixel and has all these awesome features, i still haven't figured it all out yet. I love getting new toys....lol