Its been a while since I posted and I'm not sure why. I've been lurking a lot, but everytime I got to my journal, I couldn't bring myself to post. Everything is going ok. House is still a mess, but its getting better.
TTC wise, its CD18, but I don't feel a whole lot going on this month. I think I might have o'd yesterday, but if I did, it wasn't a very solid one. After tracking this long, I kind pretty much tell if its a good month or not. There wasn't a lot of cm and not a lot of cramps. Oh well, I'm just used to disappointment now. I can't even bring myself to cry about it anymore. I think I used up all of my fertility tears.
DH and I talked about IVF the other day. I really want to have another baby, but I'm scared to death of having twins. We can barely afford one baby let alone have two. the cost of daycare would cripple us and we can't afford for me not to work. Not only do I bring home a decent amount of money, but more importantly, I hold the 401k and insurance. Both are crucial to us existing. I thought about doing IVF and just putting one embryo, but that would be expensive and somewhat risky.
I just don't know what to do. Do I go the route of adoption? I don't know. I just wish someone would make the decision for me. I know that sounds irresponsible, but I'm out of ideas and I'm not a good risk taker.
Its funny about feelings and not really knowing how you truly feel until you start typing. I knew I was avoiding my journal, but I wasn't 100% sure why. Until I started typing, did I realize what was truly going on in my crazy head. Hopefully, this funk will be over soon. It usually happens when we are having $$ problems and that's us right now. The economy is killing us right now with dh's business. Its one of those services that gets thrown by the wayside when you don't have extra cash around.
I better get back to work. I don't have a ton going on which is why I have so much time to think. I need to get busy again so my mind doesn't wander. Mental note to self, this feeling will pass.
CD24 and busy getting ready for my parent's visit. This month was kind of screwy for me. I didn't feel like I was gearing up to o until much later and now I'm not sure when it actually happened. I didn't get that crampy and I didn't have much cm. Who knows anymore. I know I should start keeping track again, but I just don't feel like it. I'm tired of wasting money on the sticks. I keep telling myself that I won't think about it as much as I guess that's worked, but yet I'm sitting here at my desk right now typing away about it. It's funny how things work. You tell yourself that you can take your mind off TTC but it draws you back.
Nothing much else to report. House is starting to look normal which is exciting. We still have a lot of work to do, but the cabinets are organized, my linens are in place and I finished painting our master bedroom last night so we should be able to actually be in our room tonight!!!!
CD27 and yesterday was a bit strange. Normally, I would think I'm getting ready for AF, but I know its too early because I don't feel like I o'd until CD19. If thats the case, it would push me to a 31 day cycle. However, last night I had excruciating cramps. It really felt like the witch was on her way. Today is much better, but now it has me wondering if I was really off on my cycle this month. I guess thats what happens when you aren't really keeping track. I kind of know when things are happening, but I'm not documenting it like I used to.
On other news, my parents are coming in tonight and I can't wait. I've been looking forward to this visit more than any other. I just need some time with my mom. Dunno why, just miss her I guess. My dad, dh and ds are going to a college football game on Saturday and my mom and I are going to work on the house. My mom is good at helping me organize and that is exactly what I need right now. While the house is clean, it is still pretty chaotic. Hopefully, the visit won't go too fast.
CD28 and it feels like AF is going to pay me a visit either tomorrow or Sunday. I usually experience some pretty major dryness right before the hag rears her head and that's today. I didn't really have high expectations as things were pretty hectic with the move.
My parents arrived last night and they are on their way to Toys R Us with ds. His birthday was on the 9th, but they decided to hold off getting him a present until they were here so he's pretty excited. I think they are getting him a big wheel which will be a huge hit. Plus, with our new big driveway, he'll have plenty of room to ride around.
Other than that, its pretty dreary here today. Rainy and muggy which is making me want to be home more than ever. If only I could leave early today. I think any normal company with a caring boss would let you, but that is definitely not my situation. He's a hard a$$ who doesn't give a sh$t about my family. We had a meeting on the night of ds's birthday a couple of weeks ago and I had told him the week before that I couldn't go and he said he would go for me. Well that day, he changed his mind and told me I had to go. The meeting was going to be from 5-6pm. Normally, I wouldn't mind staying, but since it was ds's bday, I had planned a family bday dinner (after my boss had already agreed to stay for me the week before). When I told him I couldn't stay, he gave me a hard time. I explained that it was for his bday and went on to say how many little league games he had missed of his son's. I proceeded to explain that it wasn't a sporting event but a birthday, but he didn't care. What a SOB. Luckily enough, someone else stepped in and agreed to stay in my place. Don't know why I'm ranting today, but I guess I'm just in the mood.
Its CD31 and the witch hasn't appeared yet. I feel like she's going to be here any minute yet, but nothing so far. I know better than to get my hopes up. Over 36 failed cycles have killed that hope. I have one positive thought and one negative. First, lets start with the positive. On Sept 24, I was so crampy and I thought it was weird. That could have put me at implantation or a screwy cycle. The negative thought is that I know I o'd real late this month so it isn't a huge shock that AF hasn't arrived yet. I'll update later.
CD33 and I'm very sad. I'm one of those people that has a very predictable cycle. I can pretty much tell you what day she'll arrive each month. That's good because you don't get your hopes up because there is not mystery. Apparently that theory went by the wayside this month. Its CD33, no AF and not pg. Boo hoo. I'm starting to have some spotting, but only when I push the tp in a little so I know she's coming. Plus, I broke down and poas this morning and I got a BFN. Why is nature messing with me this month. I didn't do anything crazy to screw up my schedule. In fact, if I thought I was going to have a screwy month, it would have been last one with the move. Maybe it didn't affect me until this month.
All I know is that it sucks. I'm late, hormonal and not pg. Its a great combination for getting along with dh....not. I feel like I'm snapping at every little thing he says which has been real good for my nerves. Now I'm just depressed. I've tried my best not to get my hopes up anymore. I think that's one thing that TTC for so long does to you. It builds a thick skin. I haven't really broken down in a while. I just got AF and moved on. I'm trying to do that this month, but I'm having a harder time.
I feel like such a baby today. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep. I'm walking around with a mini pad and a tampon in my pocket and that sucks. Today is definitely a pity party for myself. Anyone want to join??
The hormones were pretty bad this month. It almost felt like I was on clomid. I got real weepy and depressed. The good news is that it only lasted a little over a day. Now I'm just focusing on being positive, working on the house and enjoying my family. I don't want to fight with anyone and I'm tired of tears.
Today is CD3 and AF is still around. She definitely packed a punch this month which would explain my overabundance of hormones. I think we're going to enjoy some nice weather this weekend and work on the house. We haven't really had one good weekend in the new house by ourselves. We were either camping, had visitors or too busy getting things ready to really sit outside, make a fire in our fire pit and enjoy a couple of beers. Just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.
I think we're going to a Greek festival tomorrow. It's something small at our farmer's market, but they are doing it in honor of one of dh's friend who passed away last week. He was only 45 and died of a massive heart attach. DH is 42 and it definitely freaked him out a bit, especially since his health has been questionable this year. Situations like that really get you thinking and you can tell its been on his mind.
Other than that, nothing much else going on. I'm just so blasted happy that its Friday!!!
It's CD7 and everything is going well so far. DH and I have been getting along much better the last couple of days. We've just been under a lot of stress this year. the economy really hits us hard on the business and that ends up getting us both miserable. You try not to let it get to you, but it does nonetheless.
Just enjoying some family time and already gearing up for the weekend. There is a fall festival that we're going to go to and it looks like the weather is going to be nice. This is definitely my favorite time of year. Its not too hot and the leaves are starting to change. I wish we could swing a trip to the mtns but that's a bit over our budget, especially with the cost of gas. Sheesh. It costs $70 to fill up my minivan and I feel like I'm heading to the gas station just after a week.
Looking forward to reading about some BFPs. It's been a while since we had some good news. As much as I wish it was me, at least it gives us TTCers some hope!!
I've really been neglecting my journal lately. Mainly because there isn't really much going on. I still lurk a lot, but I don't feel like I have too much to offer anymore. It's CD15 and I don't feel like much is going on which means it will be a late month again. I feel like my body is going through another shift in its cycle. AF used to arrive the same calendar day every month prior to ds being born. That would put me at a 31-32 day cycle. After he was born, I went to a 28-30 day cycle. Now I feel like things are happening later again. IDK, maybe thats a good sign.
Other than that, just keeping busy on the house. I emptied out a few more boxes the other day and I'm ready to hang pictures. I know I keep saying that, or at least not out loud, but I still haven't done it. I have them pictures laying on the floor in front of where they would go, but haven't motivated to do it. Now I have the motivation because we're going to host our niece's bday party on the 25th. I'm so excited! It will be the first time we've entertained in our new house. Granted it for family and a few of my nieces friends, but still. We're going to work on our basement this weekend. Its pretty weird looking right now. It's a very raw looking basement with cement floor and exposed insulation. I really want to cover it, but not sure how to go about it quite yet. DH mentioned something about black cloth that people use just for this purpose, but I don't know what he means. I guess that's another trip to Lowes, my new favorite store.
So now that I've completely digressed, I'm headed to work. Gotta get some things done today.