I'm very proud of myself. Well, not completely proud, but I'm doing better. I did end up poas and saw a pos o sign, but I thought it had happened a day or so earlier, based on symptoms. I dtd that night, but that's it. I didn't try and force myself to dtd the next day. That's what I'm proud of. I didn't want to so I didn't. The old Missy would have forced the issue and it would have been routine. I'm trying to keep with the spontaneity. We need that back in our life.
The title of this entry is CRANKY. I can't help myself. I feel tense and angry. I've tried not snapping. I've even gone as far as warning people. What is wrong with me? Could my PMS have gotten worse?
So today is CD 25. I'm trying not to obsess about dates and suc. On fertility meds, I was solid 28 day cycle. Off meds, I'm usually a 31 day cycle. Todays's symptoms include cranky and crampy. I felt a little crampy a couple of days ago, but nothing too bad.
Off to hide in my cubicle. It may be the only safe spot for me.
Today is CD28 and the obsessing begins. I still feel a little crampy, more yesterday than today. Other than that, I'm just not sure. We're going camping this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. It's supposed to be warm and sunny, just the right weather for me! Not only do I not want AF to arrive, but if she must visit, I'd prefer her to wait until Sunday. If only I could make that request....
AF arrived on Saturday. I didn't take it too bad this time. I was having an awesome weekend with dh and ds and I didn't want this to hinder it. Plus, since I wasn't on any meds, I wasn't too dramatic. I can't decide how I want to proceed with this TTC stuff. I desperately want to have a second child, but I can't let it take over my life. Plus, the protocol they put me on was pretty crazy, at least for me it was. My moods and stress were ugly.
I wish there was a magical way of looking into the future to see what worked for me. I'm tired of being a control freak, I want someone else to take over for me.
I don't know how I can feel one way one day and completely different the next. Am I that nuts? So here's today news. I'm going to forewarn everyone that it doesn't make complete sense, but I need something to give me a ray of hope.
Here's a little history. When I was pg with ds, my best friend at work was pg too. Everyone thought it was hysterical that we were pg at the same time because her dd was born 3 weeks before my ds and our husbands are best friends and are 3 weeks apart in age.
So now my friend is going through IVF and our cycles are same distance apart as they were back then. So my crazy thinking decided that I needed to get off my break and jump back into another IUI. I know this doesn't sound very rational, but nothing has worked up until this point. I'm not relying on Miss Cheri (I think that's who everyone mentions), I'm relying on my own predictions. Maybe it could work twice? I know this sounds pretty hoakie, but I need something to hold onto and this is all I have right now. Plus, this will be the second time with this protocol and I feel the need to give it a chance. It will be my third IUI though.
I talked to dh earlier and he was completely on board with giving it another try. I don't know what to do. Aaaagghhhh. I was really enjoying the break, but now my mind is back on things. Can't someone just make the decision for me?
So we decided to give it another go. I called the nurse today and she called in my clomid, gonal f and HCG. Plus, now I'm taking baby aspirin everyday. That's a new one for me. I start the clomid tonight! Things are moving fast, but I'm kind of glad they are. If there was a while to wait, I would overanalyze. Have I mentioned that I'm good at that?
Besides my dh, I've only told my friend who's going through IVF. I was talking to my mom this morning and she asked me what I was going to do this month and I didn't tell her. I don't know why. I tell my mom and sisters everything. For once, I just felt like keeping it a secret. Maybe I won't be as stressed. It's hard when you feel like your family is keeping tabs on your cycle. The only person who didn't know what CD I was on was my father. Luckily enough, he's been somewhat left out of that. With three daughters, he's knows more than he probably has ever wanted to about the female body.
So I told my mom, but not my sisters. I needed someone to confide in, but not the whole crew. Today is CD7 and I feel pretty good. No crazy s/e yet, but it is pretty early. My medicine all arrived yesterday and my boss delivered it to me. He was definitely not the person I would have preferred. He had no clue what was in it, but he decided to be a little bit of a smart a$$ and shake the package a little. Then he was saying out loud that it was personal and confidential and that it needed to be refrigerated. I know he was trying to be silly about it, but it really ticked me off.
Finally, I told him that it was personal. He kind of gave that look like I just said something about having my period. It's the blank look a male gives you when they feel uncomfortable with the situation. It was kind of funny to see him squirm. He immediately put it down and walked away. Oh well, what can you do?
The Gonal F starts on Sunday and I feel ready this time. A lot less stress than before. I hope it stays that way.
I'm so proud of myself. I know that sounds kind of corny, but I can't help it. I gave myself my first shot! DH has always done the gonal f shots and my friend has done the HCG shot, but this time I went for it. It really didn't hurt. Now I just hope there aren't any s/e. Last time, I felt a little angry and edgy, but I wasn't sure if it was the clomid, shots or something else.
All still going good for now. I'm strangely relaxed, which is completely not normal for me. I hope it sticks around...
As a quick follow up from Sunday, I haven't given myself another shot. I bruised myself so bad the first time that I went back and had dh do the shots. I'm too hard on myself. LOL. Everything is still going ok. Today is CD11. I have an u/s on Thursday morning to see how big my follicles are and hopefully the IUI on Sat morning. I still haven't felt too crampy yet so I'm a little worried aout things doing what there supposed to, but I won't know until Thursday so I've tried not to think about it.