Missy's TTC Journal

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Missy's TTC Journal

I've finally gotten enough nerve to start my own journal. My name is Missy and I just turned 33. :shock: My dh is 40 and we have a ds who will be 2 on Saturday. We've been TTC for 13 months. That in itself, took forever to say. I've been wanting to do this, but everytime I started, something stopped me. Who knows?

I think I've always lived in the denial world. You never think something would happen to you, but the older you get, the more reality hits. I think this reality has been the hardest. With ds, it took 4 months to get pg, but this time we haven't been as lucky. My cycle is pretty normal, DH s/a was normal and the HSG came back ok, but still no luck. I've used the OPK tests for the last 7-8 months and I just finished my first cycle on clomid (50mg).

I know there are many others who have been ttc for way longer and I just don't know how you keep your positive attitudes. Me, on the otherhand, have gotten pretty depressed about it. I don't know if its hormones rearing their ugly head or just plain depressed.

However, I'm taking back over starting today. I saved up and bought an elliptical trainer, I've been eating healthier, and getting a good amount of sleep. Bring on the baby!

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Today is CD5 and my second round of clomid. It has definitely been a weird day today. I've been really crampy, well before I took my first pill, and almost as if I'm getting ready to Ov. It really shouldn't be possible, but I went out and bought the OPK tests just in case.

I'm really hoping this week goes fast. DS's 2nd bday is on Saturday and I'm ready to celebrate my little boy's birthday.

Still on the healthy kick. I've been working out on my elliptical trainer 3 times a week. My personal goal is to get rid of the left over baby fat and get my self confidence back up.

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On to my second pill and nervously awaiting s/e. I'm really hoping I'm not as moody this go around. I'm not sure I liked myself for a week or so and I definitely don't want to feel that way around ds's bday. No real news to report except that I went to a baby shower today. I was proud of myself, I didn't get too upset. The only thing that got me was her pg belly and hearing her complain about it. What I would do right now to have that belly.

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Oh and the hormone he** begins. I'm already weepy and its only CD3. Just when I think I'm doing better, someone asks me about ttc is going and I lose it. I don't want to feel this way. I'm trying to stay strong about it, but something always knock me down at the last minute. I'm making a pact to stay strong. The working out is definitely helping me get rid of some of the anxiety and stress and I need to keep with it.

I'm really excited for this weekend though. My dear little boy is turning 2. I can't believe how fast time flies. I can't wait to see his face when he opens his birthday present from us.

Off to sleep. The sooner I go to bed, the sooner my weekend can begin.

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What a weekend! We had a party for ds and today we finally cleaned up the mess. The crazy part is that we only had about 15 people here, but boy did they pack a punch. I invited our neighbors to the party against my better judgement, but I felt guilty as they've always invited us to their dd's parties. Anywho, she was a nightmare. She opened ds's presents and continually grabbed toys out of his hands. I tried to keep giving Nate something else to keep him distracted, but she'd strike again. All of this with the mom watching on. Aaaagggghhh.

Besides the annoying neighbors, the party was a hit and I didn't think about ttc once. This morning was day 10 and our first scheduled bd'ing. DH woke me up this morning and it was just the way to kick off the clomid marathon. Wink That's what I call it. You're given your day to start dtd and you're off an running. Lol

Other than that, all is good. Not too moody today, but bb's feel like they are blowing up. I did my workout tonight and I'm ready for bed. On to another week of work.

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I'm such a slacker. Everytime I sat down to type in my journal, I lost my motivation. So I'm back. Today is CD 29 and I'm about to lose my mind. I didn't even want to say it out loud for jinxing myself. Last mo on clomid, AF arrived in the evening of day 29 so I'm nervous as can be. I don't know why I'm making myself so crazy with anticipation because its really unlikely this month was the month. A mean intestinal bug reared its ugly head right around my fertile time. I know, how lucky for me? It's bad enough that the clomid has made me a crazy woman, but this month is was probably for nothing.

Aaaaggghhhh...still I sit here wondering. Do I test? I can't bring myself to do it. I figured if I test and see a BFN, then I'll have two depressing moments. First would be the BFN test and the second will be when AF actually arrives. I'm going for just one depressing moment. If I can pull it off, I'll wait until Sunday. That's my goal. That way, it will be 11DPO.

Back to work...or at least for another 43 minutes. Smile

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Wow, has it really been that long since I posted? I really didn't mean to let it go that long. The burst of energy I had in previous posts, all went downhill fast. I haven't been on my elliptical trainer at all. Sad Here I am back again, two more clomid cycles later and today is CD20. This is my last month on clomid.

I finally went to a RE and he told me not to continue with clomid. In his words, "it isn't the answer for everyone" and I'm relieved. It definitely didn't bring out the best in me. I'm glad I found a RE that I like. I really just picked one that my insurance would cover, only to discover that he was was considered one of the best for our area of the South. He found a couple of things that he found to be red flags in both mine and dh's info. So know we're off to check on them. I've got blood work scheduled for the end of this week, an ultra sound scheduled for CD3 (assuming I haven't gotten my pd) and another round of blood work on CD21 and an exam. DH, on the otherhand, just needs to do another SA.

I'm going to do my best to keep up with my journal as it really does make me feel better to get it off my chest. Sometimes, the anxiety can be real heavy.

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Good news and bad news. Blood work came back normal, but AF arrived last night. Oh well, that was the last of clomid. I talked to the nurse and now I'm off and running. I've got blood work tomorrow. DH has another SA on Monday and I have an U/S on Dec. 11th. I've got mixed emotions about what's going on right now. I'm glad that I'm getting to the bottom of why its taken so long to get pg, but I'm also scared to find out the truth.

My aunt wasn't able to have kids and I never knew why and I think that's lingering over my head. I know that I'm different than here, I've got my ds. But you still can't help but think there's something genetically out there.

I just called and made DH's appt. I really thought he was going to put up a stink about going to do it again, but he was a good sport about it.

Other than that, nothing else really new to report. Back to work...bummer.

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Wow, what a morning. I had another round of blood work done and that was a doozy. I couldn't even count how many viles they took, but it was out of control. I don't mind giving blood and luckily enough the person who was doing it was good. If not, I think I would have passed out. Now I just sit back and wait...again. No other TTC updates to mention. Just wishing the old hag away. I should be in the clear by Sunday. This month was a little heavier than others which actually makes me happy. I know, who's typically happy about a heavy period? At least I know something good is happening. TGIF and have a good weekend!

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More tests and more good results!! DH had a s/a done on Tuesday and it came back good. There was only one area that was slightly below normal, but the nurse said it wouldn't be cause for starting IUI or IVF. Plus, she said its a real common area to be a little lower (morphology). Now I'm just getting nervous for my appt on Monday. They are doing an US. Other than that, nothing real new. Hoping for a quiet weekend. We're going to see DH's grandmother on Sunday, but that's it!

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Another step in the TTC journey is tomorrow. I have an US and visit with the RE at 10am. I'm nervous, but I don't know why. I guess I've always been a little unsettled anytime I have to go to the drs. For some reason, I have this fear that they are going to tell me that either they found something awful. I guess I'm a little paranoid. Or at least that's what I used to think. Now I'm always worried that something would happen to me and prevent me from seeing my ds grow up. I don't know why I feel this way tonight. Maybe just emotional.

I'm heading to bed soon. Today was a long day. We drove 2 1/2 hours to see my dh's grandma today. Well worth the long drive. She's 94 and it had been 6 mo. since we had seen her last. I know that sounds awful especially since she doesn't live that far, but you know how crazy things can be.

It was a really nice visit, but it was sad when we left. She's never been a real emotional woman, but she cried when we left and said that she felt really old. That's odd for her as she's never really been that way. In fact, I think she's got it together better than people much younger than her. I'm glad we went. We're already planning another trip after the holidays.

Off to sleep. I'm exhausted from a day of travel.

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Holidays came and gone. Another year that flew by. I can't believe its been 7 years since the Millenium. Nothing big happened over the holidays. We went to NY to visit my family for the week and then came home to relax a couple of days before heading back to work.

On the TTC front, there has definitely been an A ha moment. After all the blood work and U/S, they discovered that my progesterone was too low to get pg. They recommended clomid and I about snapped. I tried clomid for 4 mo. and it made me an absolute monster, or at least that's what I'm blaming it on. Smile So instead of clomid, I started Femara. They said it wouldn't have nearly as bad s/e, but we'll see.

Today is CD9 and I took my last dose of meds. Now I'm waiting for my LH surge. I did have a bit of a panic attach yesterday though. For the first time in the last 16 mo, I was actually happy to see a neg HPT. I had spotted a little yesterday and I called my RE who had me run out and get a pg test. Apparently, spotting on Femara is not typical and they were worried that I had started taking it while I was pg. That wouldn't have been a good thing since it causes birth defects. Luckily enough it was pg and I've moved on.

Now to the waiting game. I actually bit the bullet and bought the expensive OPK. I wanted the one that was digital because I always panicked on whether I was reading it right. Now, I'll have proof.

Nothing new besides that. Happy New Year

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Holidays came and went. Another year that flew by. I can't believe its been 7 years since the Millenium. Nothing big happened over the holidays. We went to NY to visit my family for the week and then came home to relax a couple of days before heading back to work.

On the TTC front, there has definitely been an A ha moment. After all the blood work and U/S, they discovered that my progesterone was too low to get pg. They recommended clomid and I about snapped. I tried clomid for 4 mo. and it made me an absolute monster, or at least that's what I'm blaming it on. Smile So instead of clomid, I started Femara. They said it wouldn't have nearly as bad s/e, but we'll see.

Today is CD9 and I took my last dose of meds. Now I'm waiting for my LH surge. I did have a bit of a panic attach yesterday though. For the first time in the last 16 mo, I was actually happy to see a neg HPT. I had spotted a little yesterday and I called my RE who had me run out and get a pg test. Apparently, spotting on Femara is not typical and they were worried that I had started taking it while I was pg. That wouldn't have been a good thing since it causes birth defects. Luckily enough it was pg and I've moved on.

Now to the waiting game. I actually bit the bullet and bought the expensive OPK. I wanted the one that was digital because I always panicked on whether I was reading it right. Now, I'll have proof.

Nothing new besides that. Happy New Year

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I'm really anxious this month, but I'm trying not to be. I guess anytime you try something new, you think that this will be the month. It's really nice right now to have renewed positive feelings about ttc. Today is CD 14 and no LH surge yet, but I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be positive. Meanwhile, I have dh on hold. Lol We're really trying to keep the mood light these days. Now that we have an idea of why we're not getting pg, it definitely helps the stress level. That's not to say that we can fix it, but again, I try to focus on any positive I can find and this month's positive is that we found the source of the problem and its fixible.

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Yeah, my opk came back positive!! This is the first time I've bit the bullet and bought the expensive digital test, but I wanted a guarantee. I didn't want to second guess the test...I wanted it to show me for a fact that I ovulated. I was really starting to get nervous since it was day 17 and it was my last test, but I saw the smiley face.

I was so excited that I called DH. Now I have to wait to tomorrow and get busy Wink

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I swear sometimes my dh can really make me crazy. I was sick as a dog all last week and part of the week before. Did I complain...no. So now he's sick and he has been whining so much I just can't take it. You would think the world has ended just over a cold. Sigh...why are men like babies sometimes.

On the TTC front, I have to give blood tomorrow and I'm a little nervous. I'll find out tomorrow if the femara has increased my progesterone level. I've been very anxiety ridden lately. I guess thats what the 2ww can do to you.

I'm off to Myrtle Beach tomorrow for a three day meeting. Major bummer except for Tues afternoon. We got a choice of golf or spa and I chose spa. So courtesy of my company, I get an hour long serenity message. The timing couldn't be any more perfect!

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I've decided that there should now be a TTC forecast in addition to a weather forecast. If this existed, here would be todays forecast. Gloomy and rainy. All the positive vibes I felt a couple of weeks ago were wiped out in one phone call. The nurse from the RE's office called on Wed to tell me the results of the 7DPO prog and it was lower than the unmedicated cycle. WTF. Then my dr called me today and explained what he wanted to do next. I've got to take a HPT on Monday, assuming the old hag hasn't arrived. Then I need to schedule another baseline U/S and get started on femara and sequential stims.

I also told him that I wanted to do an IUI this cycle. I know this sounds awful, but I've been trying the o natural way for 17 months and I'm tired of having forced sex. I just want spontaniety (?sp) back.

I'm just feeling really sad today. I'm trying not to, but that's also the nasty hormones playing head games with me. I feel like having a pity party for me. The only downfall is I still can't have a drink at that pity party. Sigh

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The forecast continues, but today I add shitty to it. AF reared her ugly head today and the only positive thing I can say about it was that she was on time. Today marks a 17 mo anniversary that I wish didn't exist. I talked to my mom this morning. She is wonderful. She has a way of getting me out of my funk and bringing me back to reality which is definitely what I needed this morning. It's funny though, when she said to take a deep breath, I realized that one wasn't going to cut it. I needed about 20 deep breaths. I want desperately to be positive. I want to think this is going to work out, but every month it gets harder and harder. I see pregnant people everywhere I go and that makes me sad. I want to be that person!

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My mood has definitely improved. It started off pretty crappy, but improved the moment I went to ds's ortho appt. He was born with clubfeet and had casts/shoes for a while and then just wore them at night for the last two years. You wouldn't even be able to notice there was a problem. Anyhow, the dr told us yesterday that he doesn't have to wear them anymore. Yahoooooooooooooooo. That's huge news for us. Plus, I think dh found an employee to help him. Both news really lifted my spirits.

I also talked to the nurse today and got my full marching orders. I take Femara again CD5-9, gonal F (stims) CD9-12, U/S on CD13 and then a HCG trigger shot. Wow, just typing it makes me realize that I'm going to be a little pin cushion this month. Again, ALL WORTH IT!!!!

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What a cruddy day. First snow and then rain. Typically I love snow, but living in the south has kind of ruined it for me. It isn't the kind of snow I love. Now Colorado snow is fun!! I'm sitting here at work dreaming of my package of medicine to arrive. They had to send it to me at work since someone had to sign for it and I can't wait. I know that sounds nuts, but I'm ready to get things moving. I want my baby!

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OK so now I'm starting to worry. My medicine hasn't arrived yet. I called the pharmacy and she said it got held up yesterday due to the weather. She also said that the weather today was noted in her system as bad too, but I told her that the roads were perfectly clear and the temps were mild. Now bring me my medicine. I'm trying not to get impatient, but I need it by Tues morning.

No other TTC news. Just anxious for the weekend to begin. I've got some projects on the house, but no big plans besides that. I know the superbowl is Sunday, but I could care less. My mind is on other things. Wink

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I finally got my care package of needles and meds. How fun does that sound? I wasn't scared of the needles until now. Plus, dh was all for doing it for me and now he's freaked too. Just great. We've got to go to a shot education class on Tuesday which is the first day of the shots so I'm hoping they'll just do it for me. Then, a friend of mine who is a nurse will probably do the rest. I can't help it, I'm a wimp.

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Tomorrow is the big day. It's my first adventure with stims. I've got to take my last dose of femara and then go to my shot class. I'm trying to relax, but my nerves are getting the best of me. My poor dh is taking the heat on this. I feel bad, but he's just about ready to drive me crazy. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow after the class. I just hate the unknown.

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We pulled it off!! We did the class and I was a little nervous, but dh was a champ. I'm so proud of him. He's definitely the calm one of the couple. We did the first Gonal F shot last night and it was a breeze. No pain whatsoever. We've got 3 more days of that and then what I call the big daddy. I really hope that my dr will do that one on Saturday at our appt. As good as dh has been, I'm not sure how I feel about him and a 1 1/2 needle. There's a whole new level of trust developing. I'm glad he's being a good sport about this. I had my hesitations, but he's surprised me. Gotta get back to work. Sigh....

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Another day, another shot. I have my last small shot tonight and my drs appt tomorrow. I'm getting nervous. No other big news besides that.

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I had my u/s yesterday. I had a follice that was 23mm, but my endometrium lining wasn't quite there yet. Bummer. I was sent home and told to do another OPK this morning which I just did and..........I got a smiley face. Smile Yeah!!!!! That means we do the IUI tomorrow morning. Now I'm off to motivate dh to do the HCG shot. Ouch

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I'm officially artificially inseminated. Doesn't that just sound so romantic....not. It was a pretty easy process and no pain. Now I just have to be patient and wait for the next two weeks. That is not something I do well. Luckily enough, my parents are coming to visit this weekend and will be here through Thursday. That will definitely keep my mind off things. Now to stress off any possible symptom.

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Did I say no pain? Apparently, the pain didn't feel like coming on until later. Around 4pm yesterday, I started feeling really crampy. I finally went home, took some tylenol and got off my feet. I felt better by bed time and everything was good today. I had some minor spotting too, but that also ended. The hard part was bd'ing last night. They said to DTD that night and today. When I first got home I thought that was going to be impossible, but we pulled it off. It was not the most romantic event, but we did what we had to do. Tonight will be a whole different night. Smile

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I am going to go insane waiting for 2 weeks. I need something to take my mind off things. I know my parent's visit will help, but not enough. I keep on reminding myself that if it doesn't work, not to stress. Things happen and don't happen for a reason. I think I'm more stressed now because I'm getting towards the end of the road. I really don't want to venture to IVF. We can't afford it. I know my parents would help, but I don't want to do that. I feel pitiful when that happens. I just need to remain positive.

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My parent's visit was just what I needed. I haven't thought about whether I was pg or not until today. Ok, maybe that wasn't 100% the truth, but it was close. I haven't thought about it 24/7. However, today is a completely different story. I'm getting closer to Monday and my nerves are absolutely shot. DH and I had an argument tonight. It seems like that always happens when we're around my parents. They are just different and I wish they'd realize it.

On a TTC note, I've had some really weird things happening tonight. I don't know if its due to the UTI I had last night or if its a sign. I did the worlds worst thing ever and didn't officially finish my antibiotics. I couldn't help it. They told me to take 4 pills a day (with food) for 3 days. I kept missing pills and then I got all panicky that I needed to keep to the 3 days because of implantation and other timing so I stopped. Now I'm peeing every 2 seconds, but the weird part is that I really have to go. I have the same pressure on my bladder as I did when they thought I had the UTI, but instead of nothing really coming out and pain, I have a full bladder. I'm really that's a sign and not one of another UTI. I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow.

Off to sleep. I didn't get much sleep last night and I desperately need to catch up.

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Can we say sore bb's?? I really hope this isn't just the medicine speaking. They said to wait until Monday to test, but I just don't think I'll be able to wait. I'm going to dwell on some symptoms for now:

1. dizzy and nauseous
2. Sore breasts
3. Irritable!!!!!

I'm off to dream about babies...

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BFN Sad

I can't stop crying. I know that sounds pathetic, but I don't care. I'm sick and tired of seeing a neg pg test.

**updated** I just came back after reading my post above and I realized how harsh I sound. Life isn't bad, I'm just having a bad run right now.

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Today is definitely a better day. I felt sorry for myself this whole weekend and today I'm back to reality. I've spoken with the nurse and I have an appt for a baseline u/s on Wed. Plus, it looks like I'm going to go back to clomid (instead of femara) since my progesterone didn't really improve. I had some awesome numbers on clomid, but we weren't doing the stims at the same time so I think we're going to try that. We'll see on Wednesday...

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What a week! I had to drive to NC for a meeting on Thursday only to return in the worst rain storm ever. It downpoured for 5 hours straight. Now I'm regrouping for the week. Everyday has gotten a little better, but this negative hit a little harder than others. I guess I thought the IUI would be a sure thing. I know better than that, but I really wanted it to be. I had my baseline u/s on Monday and everything looked fine...no cysts and endometrium lining was thin. I started clomid on Thursday and wowsa on the moodiness. Just like I remember it! I've really been trying to be more patient, but I feel like I could attack at any minute. Plus, my sex drive is basically zero. That makes for a sexy evening...not.

Tomorrow is CD9, last clomid pills and first of the injections. Yeah

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I'm depressed. I hate feeling this way, but I can't help it. I know its part due to clomid, but I can't help but think I use that as a fallback. Things have been really tough lately. We've been incredibly tight on money and sinking in deeper and deeper. I just don't know whats happening. I know we have a lot of credit card debt, but I don't know how to get rid of it. Plus, our business is slowing down. I'm hoping the economy will rebound and things will turn up for the positive, but I hate the part of not knowing. My parents have offered to help us out, but I know dh wouldn't go for that and I don't blame him. He always seems like my parents look down on him as it is. My other two sisters are sahm and he thinks hes failed me.

I know I'm blabbing on about stuff that isn't ttc related, but I'm stressed right now andhow am I fixing it? By trying to get pg again. I know that sounds crazy, but dh is 41 and I'm almost 34. I don't want to hold off any longer.

I just want to cry.

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I had a pretty dark day yesterday. It started off with a mini panick attack followed by a good dose of depression. Luckily enough, that's not my personality by nature and I bounced back pretty quickly. I feel much better today. Plus, my dh was busy yesterday, today and the phone are already ringing for next week. The downfall of owning your own business (versus getting a guaranteed paycheck every other week) can really wear thin on your nerves. Its the whole "not knowing" that doesn't fare well. Since I'm such a control freak, it makes it worse.

Anyhow, I had my CD13 appt u/s this morning and everything looked good. My numbers/follicles were better than last month so something is going well. My lining is at 6 and I have three good follices (23, 20 and 16). The IUI is scheduled for Sunday morning!!

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The weekend came and went. They did the IUI on Sunday and everything seemed to go ok. DH's sample was a little lower than last time, but they said it looked good. That bummed me out. In fact, I started crying on the table. I felt like such a dork. I can't keep a hold of my emotions these days. You never know when the water works are going to start. I'm trying desperate to be positive during the brutal 2ww. I get blood work done on Monday to check progesterone, but nothing else right now just waiting.

Please let this work...

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Another day passed, another day closer to knowing. I've never wanted time to fly until now. I hate that I'm rushing through life, but ttc can do that to you. You're constantly thinking of the next step and how many days it takes to get there. The next thing you know, 18 months have passed.

I've really tried not to lose sight of the present, dh and ds. In fact, dh kind of brought that up with me and he made a good point. I've dwelled so much on getting pg again that I kind of got caught in the moment and got distracted from them, but no more.

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Have you used the phrase, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed? Today, I've added to it. I woke up on the wrong side of the house. Wowsa am I cranky? I have no clue why, but I'm in hiding today for fear of what I'll say. You would think it wouldn't be the case as its Friday.

On the TTC note, I'll start the symptoms game (even though I know some has to do with the HCG trigger shot).

1. nausea
2. full bb's
3. Face starting to break out

Let's see what the week brings! I need to give blood on Monday. Hopefully, my progesterone number is higher.

Thank goodness next week is spring break on campus. I work on a college campus so when students are gone, it is nice and quiet and that's exactly what I need right now.

TGIF!!!!!

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Tomorrow will be a week since the IUI. Wow, how times goes slow. Still obsessing over every single feeling.

1. Major bloating
2. Gassy
3. Heartburn (on Fri)
4. Cramping

Please let these be good signs. There was one other thing today that kind of worried me. When dh and I were bd'ing, it hurt like crazy. My right side felt like it was being attacked. I was going to say stabbed, but that just didn't sound right. LOL. I'm hoping it was just because of the time of the month. I'm going to call the RE on Monday.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

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I just woke up from a beautiful nap. How I love to sleep. I'm going to be so sad when ds stops taking an afternoon nap. DH just said the strangest thing to me. He's never not been supportive of getting pg, but he has been pretty quiet about it. That's just how he deals with things. I just sat down on the sofa with a bowl of cereal and out of the blue he said, I think you're pregnant. Now wouldn't that be nice. Smile Tomorrow is the progesterone blood work. I should know by lunchtime. I'm also off 1/2 day, but only because of a dentist appt. Hope for good news!!

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Another day closer to knowing. I've never been so happy for Monday. I know that sounds crazy, but I needed the weekend to be over. Now I'm in the countdown until Saturday. That's 13 days past the IUI and the same day I got AF last time after the IUI. I'm going to be at the beach this time with dh and his family. Yikes. Not exactly where I'd want to be, but oh well. If the HPT is positive, I'll be in a glorious mood. If its negative, I'll probably drink too much at dinner and feel awful for the ride home. Let the official countdown begin...5 days until Saturday!!

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I am so happy right now. I don't even know what to do with myself. I really think this is the happiest I've been in months. I got the results back from my progesterone and it was 54.5!!!!! Last month, it was 12 and before that 9. Finally.....

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I feel like a commercial for teenage acne. There's barely a spot on my body that doesn't have a pimple on it. That isn't really good for self esteem, but amazingly enough I just don't care. I even went shopping today to try and find some tshirts and shorts to bring to FL and nothing fit. Again, I didn't care. This week has been a good week for me. It's spring break on campus which means its quiet. My boss gave me a $50 Amex gift card as a reward for doing a good job at work. My progesterone was great. Plus, the weather is beautiful. Can you tell that the s/e of clomid have worn off? LOL.

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Pimples be gone....pleeeeaaaassse. My face hasn't looked like this in ages. My skin has never been perfect, but its been the best its been in a while. DH actually said he thought I was pg the other day. He actually remembered my face being broken out while I was pg with ds.

I'm tempted to test tomorrow, but I can't decide if I want to or not. If its negative, I'll be very bummed out and will have a 3.5 hour drive to think about it. I hate to wait until Saturday though. I don't think I'll be able to make it.

The madness!!!!

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BFN

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Thank goodness Friday was a quiet day at work. The University was shut down for spring break and there were only a handful of us on campus. No one could truly hear my sobbing. I really don't think I've ever cried that hard. I could feel my heart breaking. Then of course, I went through the "why me" stage. I'm not sure if I'm over that stage yet.

Luckily enough, we went out of town this weekend with dh, ds and our niece. It forced me to get it out of my system and have fun which is exactly what I did.

We went to the beach on Saturday and it was beautiful. Plus, I had some beers on Sat night. Yummy, I forgot how good those can taste. Smile

Sunday came way too fast and of course Monday. And the water works have started up again. I was so good at taking my mind off of things this weekend, but it seems as if I've just postponed the thoughts until today. My hormones must still be in action because I can't talk about it without crying. I feel like such a baby.

The result of my tears has been the decision to take a break this month and let it go. I know, easier said than done, but I'm going to try my best. I'm heading to FL on Thurs to see my family which will definitely help. I'll get a break from work and bask in the sun.

I called my drs office and they were wonderful about it. She even suggesting trying to get into pilates or yoga to help with the anxiety and I think I'm going to give it a try. At this point, I'm willing to do just about anything.

I better get back to reality. Work is beckoning me.

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I feel so relaxed. I don't think I've felt this way in ages. I don't have to worry about taking medicine, I don't feel like I'm going to attack at any minute Smile and I don't feel comfortable one minute and dripping sweat the next. Don't get me wrong, there is a small side of me that misses those feelings, but only because its getting me closer to having a baby. For now, this is how I need to feel. I'm taking ds to visit my grandparents in FL tomorrow and I won't be back until Tuesday. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

DH is going, but I'm hoping he's going to work on our kitchen this weekend. It's in desperate need of help. Gotta love an old home.

GL to everyone who is waiting to test. I hope to see some fun news when I get back!

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I'm back and completely relaxed. I even got a little sun tan. I had so much fun with my family. I got to see my grandparents, parents and my sister and her kids. It got a little hairy at points with 4 kids under the age of 8, but not too bad.

I got back last night and was wonderfully seduced by dh last night and this morning. Smile I felt like a newlywed.

I am doing my best not to track anything. No OPK and no medicine. I feel the need to let go of everything. I'm so tempted though because my body is showing signs of O, but it would be way earlier than normal. I wonder if I'm still reaping the benefits of the medicine. Who knows?

Nothing more to report. Off to not POAS. Smile

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I can't believe its almost been a week. It's been crazy since I got back from FL. We went downtown on Thurs and listened to bluegrass and had a few beers. We went with our friends who have a little girl born 3 weeks before Nate. Plus, they go to daycare together. They had so much fun dancing together.

So I had huge plans to clean this past weekend. My body must have known I was dreading it because I woke up Sat morning sick as a dog. I don't think I was awake more than 4 hours and that's not like me. I was miserable which was a bummer because I didn't get anything I needed to get done for Easter.

Easter was chilly so we didn't really do a major egg hunt. It was just the three of this this easter. Dh's family is kind of weird when it comes to get togethers. I was brought up that you celebrate holidays with your family. I know that everyone is different, but I thought it was strange that his sister and husband declined coming over for Easter. They wanted to do their own thing. Oh well...their loss. Smile
Then, mil pulled her normal antics and blew us off at the last minute. No shock there.

Then back to reality today. Nothing new on the ttc end. Trying hard not to track things, but you know I couldn't resist. I've been feeling like I'm going to o for almost a week know. Is it possible that I can't tell without POAS?

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I'm very proud of myself. Well, not completely proud, but I'm doing better. Smile I did end up poas and saw a pos o sign, but I thought it had happened a day or so earlier, based on symptoms. I dtd that night, but that's it. I didn't try and force myself to dtd the next day. That's what I'm proud of. I didn't want to so I didn't. The old Missy would have forced the issue and it would have been routine. I'm trying to keep with the spontaneity. We need that back in our life.

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