So, I'm starting a journal.
Guess I best put something down about whom I am and the road we have traveled to here.
So here goes...
My name is Shannon ( 28 ) and my DH is Marlin (30). We will have been married 5 years on the 6th of Aug. Yep, that's Friday. We are a family but aren't complete yet. We are missing the one thing that we have wanted for over 2 years now. A child. Some little one that we can call our own. Where that is through adoption or a birth of our own we don't really care at this point. We just want to have a baby.
So I guess I should start at the beginning.
We started TTC in May of 2002. At 10 months, I just felt that something was wrong. I figured that I should have at least seen 1 BFP by this point so I headed off to my GP. I told him how long it had been and he decided to send me to an OB/GYN. So from Dr. Sean to Dr. Dave. Have HSG...everything’s open, looking good in there! Dr. Dave decided to put me on Clomid 50 mg. No monitoring. First cycle came...........and went. AF showed. He put me on a second round of clomid 50 mg. Second cycle came......and came....and came. I had o'd, but I had grown a large cyst on my right ovary and another cyst (smaller) on my left. Only after 2 blood tests and being really late, did Dr. Dave decide to send me to an RE. Enter Dr. Spirtos. I went in, had yet another blood test, which of course was neg. CD 45 Af finally showed... a little over 2 weeks late. Dr. Spirtos was the one who found my cysts. I had to do a round of BCPs to help shrink the cyst.
I had lots of testing done. Dr. Spirtos is the one who discovered my PCOS.
We did 1 cycle just iui, and an hsg (though I have to go back and look which we did first.) On my hsg my right tube swelled up. Some concern, but really not a problem...it was open...had dye spillage.
Then we did 1 cycle clomid 50 mg w/ iui.
2nd cycle clomid 50 mg w/ iui.
From there I went off the meds because I was to have a lap in Feb.
No go...lap canceled.
Blood problems. So off I go to the hemo. doc...Dr. Petrus.
(Man is this ever reading like a soap. I guess you have to laugh at yourself sometimes.)
Dr. Petrus screws around, lost blood tests...blah, blah, blah.
He says something about having the Lupus Anticoagulant.
"Doesn't mean you have Lupus, or that it's an Anti Coagulant...you have problems in the lab mostly." Sure whatever! Can I go back to trying to have a baby or not?
I'm cleared to go back to Dr. Spirtos. Happy Day!
I get back and he decides that we are still going to do the lap.
I had the lap on June 9th. The Wed. right after school let out for the summer. Good, I don't have to take off of work to have surgery.
Turns out that he removed very minor endo from my left ovary (wow, we were looking to see what was wrong with the right (see hsg). The left decided to hit me up side the head :roll: ), my bladder, and the cavity that my uterus is in. That sucks, but at least I know.
Fast forward to July. We did a round of 25mg...Yup you read that right, 1/2 of a 50 mg pill of clomid days 3-7. I had IUI on day 14 of that cycle and day 15. I had 2 follies on the right 18mm and 28 mm. My biggest follie yet.
It didn’t work. We prayed, we dreamed, and somewhere around day 10 I realized that it didn’t work. Up until that point, I knew it worked, I felt it worked. But at 10 dpo, I just knew. Something inside of me told me that it didn’t.
The worst part was that weekend I saw my newborn niece for the first time. I didn’t want to hold her. I didn’t want to touch her. I feel like an awful aunt. I see her and my heart breaks. I hate that I have people in my family who can drop children like they are spring foals. She is the 7th child in that family. He oldest brother will be 23 years old in Dec. He is married and they just suffered a m/c. My 22 year old nephew and wife got pg. even before we did. I know this is not a race. I have a loving home, a good, stable job, a wonderful husband who loves me so dearly. We work so hard, and we are working so hard for this and it just seems to slip from my grasp every month. I’ve always worked hard for everything I wanted and succeeded. Not this, I work hard, but this I can’t control. There are a lot of thoughts going on in my head right now. I want so hard to be positive. I want to be able to tell someone who says they are pg. “Congratulations!” and really mean it. Some days I feel as if I’m going through the motions of a life. I hate the days that I wake from a dream that I have a baby or small children and feel so empty to discover that it isn’t true. Maybe that is normal.
Something I have to remember that someone, I can’t remember who, told me...
God only picks the strong to go through the tough stuff.
He never gives you more than you can handle.
I just wish he didn’t think I could handle so much.
I carry my angels with me...the Angel of Hope coin and the Angel of Strength coin.
I really should give those Angels names, but what would I pick to call them?
Maybe I should call them Cazz, Patti, Holly, Teresa, Kelly, Sabrina, Sabby, Rosie-Rose, Steph, Stacie, Carol, and Christina. My girls. My Angels who are helping me through this.
So, here I sit at CD 9. I go in on the 7th for a u/s to check for follies. The day after my 5th anniversary. Just maybe this time it will work.
Round 4 --- clomid 25mg ½ pill days 3-7 again. 2 IUI – TBA.