So, I'm starting a journal.
Guess I best put something down about whom I am and the road we have traveled to here.
So here goes...
My name is Shannon ( 28 ) and my DH is Marlin (30). We will have been married 5 years on the 6th of Aug. Yep, that's Friday. We are a family but aren't complete yet. We are missing the one thing that we have wanted for over 2 years now. A child. Some little one that we can call our own. Where that is through adoption or a birth of our own we don't really care at this point. We just want to have a baby.
So I guess I should start at the beginning.
We started TTC in May of 2002. At 10 months, I just felt that something was wrong. I figured that I should have at least seen 1 BFP by this point so I headed off to my GP. I told him how long it had been and he decided to send me to an OB/GYN. So from Dr. Sean to Dr. Dave. Have HSG...everything’s open, looking good in there! Dr. Dave decided to put me on Clomid 50 mg. No monitoring. First cycle came...........and went. AF showed. He put me on a second round of clomid 50 mg. Second cycle came......and came....and came. I had o'd, but I had grown a large cyst on my right ovary and another cyst (smaller) on my left. Only after 2 blood tests and being really late, did Dr. Dave decide to send me to an RE. Enter Dr. Spirtos. I went in, had yet another blood test, which of course was neg. CD 45 Af finally showed... a little over 2 weeks late. Dr. Spirtos was the one who found my cysts. I had to do a round of BCPs to help shrink the cyst.
I had lots of testing done. Dr. Spirtos is the one who discovered my PCOS.
We did 1 cycle just iui, and an hsg (though I have to go back and look which we did first.) On my hsg my right tube swelled up. Some concern, but really not a problem...it was open...had dye spillage.
Then we did 1 cycle clomid 50 mg w/ iui.
2nd cycle clomid 50 mg w/ iui.
From there I went off the meds because I was to have a lap in Feb.
No go...lap canceled.
Blood problems. So off I go to the hemo. doc...Dr. Petrus.
(Man is this ever reading like a soap. I guess you have to laugh at yourself sometimes.)
Dr. Petrus screws around, lost blood tests...blah, blah, blah.
He says something about having the Lupus Anticoagulant.
"Doesn't mean you have Lupus, or that it's an Anti Coagulant...you have problems in the lab mostly." Sure whatever! Can I go back to trying to have a baby or not?
I'm cleared to go back to Dr. Spirtos. Happy Day!
I get back and he decides that we are still going to do the lap.
I had the lap on June 9th. The Wed. right after school let out for the summer. Good, I don't have to take off of work to have surgery.
Turns out that he removed very minor endo from my left ovary (wow, we were looking to see what was wrong with the right (see hsg). The left decided to hit me up side the head ), my bladder, and the cavity that my uterus is in. That sucks, but at least I know.
Fast forward to July. We did a round of 25mg...Yup you read that right, 1/2 of a 50 mg pill of clomid days 3-7. I had IUI on day 14 of that cycle and day 15. I had 2 follies on the right 18mm and 28 mm. My biggest follie yet.
It didn’t work. We prayed, we dreamed, and somewhere around day 10 I realized that it didn’t work. Up until that point, I knew it worked, I felt it worked. But at 10 dpo, I just knew. Something inside of me told me that it didn’t.
The worst part was that weekend I saw my newborn niece for the first time. I didn’t want to hold her. I didn’t want to touch her. I feel like an awful aunt. I see her and my heart breaks. I hate that I have people in my family who can drop children like they are spring foals. She is the 7th child in that family. He oldest brother will be 23 years old in Dec. He is married and they just suffered a m/c. My 22 year old nephew and wife got pg. even before we did. I know this is not a race. I have a loving home, a good, stable job, a wonderful husband who loves me so dearly. We work so hard, and we are working so hard for this and it just seems to slip from my grasp every month. I’ve always worked hard for everything I wanted and succeeded. Not this, I work hard, but this I can’t control. There are a lot of thoughts going on in my head right now. I want so hard to be positive. I want to be able to tell someone who says they are pg. “Congratulations!” and really mean it. Some days I feel as if I’m going through the motions of a life. I hate the days that I wake from a dream that I have a baby or small children and feel so empty to discover that it isn’t true. Maybe that is normal.
Something I have to remember that someone, I can’t remember who, told me...
God only picks the strong to go through the tough stuff.
He never gives you more than you can handle.
I just wish he didn’t think I could handle so much.
I carry my angels with me...the Angel of Hope coin and the Angel of Strength coin.
I really should give those Angels names, but what would I pick to call them?
Maybe I should call them Cazz, Patti, Holly, Teresa, Kelly, Sabrina, Sabby, Rosie-Rose, Steph, Stacie, Carol, and Christina. My girls. My Angels who are helping me through this.
So, here I sit at CD 9. I go in on the 7th for a u/s to check for follies. The day after my 5th anniversary. Just maybe this time it will work.
Round 4 --- clomid 25mg ½ pill days 3-7 again. 2 IUI – TBA.
Finally I'm updating...
Well, I went for my follie check on Saturday the 7th, the day after our 5th wedding anniversary. I had 1 follie sized 23mm on my right side. Just one. But, then I think, it only takes 1.
We did IUI on Sunday the 8th and on Monday the 9th.
I ended up having HCG shots on the 7th, 8th, and 9th. hehehehe if I take a test right now then I'll get to see what a BFP looks like.
I'm hopeful. How can I not be. Marlin says that this will be it. In my heart I want to believe it. But,...the always hanging around but, I don't want to be hurt if it doesn't.
I'm not going to let myself think that. I'm gonna take this one day at a time right now.
Today I went for my u/s to check that I o'd. I did, but I already knew that as my temp went from 97.1 to 97.5 this morning. I took my frist progrestrone today and will have to take my second one later on tonight. 2 a day for the next 2 weeks...and then 2 a day until 14 wks. See, I'm thinking only good thoughts.
Dr. Spirtos told me that we put 210 million sperm around my little egg. 1 of them better have gotten in gear and done his job. I'm sure that it did.
See more being positive. Just get me to the 22nd for my blood test.
We will be on vacation the week of the 16th, so it should be interesting with the progestrone and stuff while we are away. Before when we went away I was never in the position that I could be pregnant, now...I guess this will kinda change how I will do things for my 1 WW. Amazing!
2weeks, get me through 2 weeks... I just need to survive the next two weeks. That and be positive. I can do it.
I will do it and this will be the last time that we will have to do all this for a while. See, I'm doing the pep talk thing.
Well, it turns out that Dr. Spirtos didn't like my lining. It measured in at 7mm. Thin, but not overly thin. So...I got to have lovely patches of estrogen. 2 every 2 days. More drugs. Makes me wonder just how much a body can handle before ... it's had enough.
So, I made it to the 22nd. Did the progestrone, and patches on schedule and as planned. BFN. Of course, why wouldn't it be? Dumb question. I knew in my heart that it didn't work. I didn't feel the way I did the month before. I knew that the one before that the egg fertilized. Things were just right...but it didn't implant. I started to feel that something was wrong a few days before we could even test. But this time, not that feeling. I've only experienced that feeling once. As a matter of fact, I could have probably told you that it didn't work with in a few days. I just knew this time, but I wanted to be positive. When they called, I didn't cry this time like I did before, especially last month. No, this time I just took it as fact. Yes, I was sad, still am. But, I have to go on.
When I went for the BPT and the u/s they found that my left ovary (mind you I o'd from the right this month) has a cyst. Diameter 33mm x30mm. Not fun! Now I wait and pray that the cyst has resolved itself and that we can move forward. and in moving Forward we move on to injectables.
I'm not excited about it, but I told myself I wouldn't give up with out doing them. See, Marlin has decided that morally he can't do IVF. I respect that. There are many things that we agree that we couldn't do if it came to it if we ever did IVF. So, instead we will take the money we would use for IVF and adopt. But, I haven't given up hope yet on getting pg.
But, I have decided that if I'm not pg. by Christmas then that will be it. I won't put myself through anymore and will have to resign myself to the fact that I won't have biological children. But, that in no way means that i won't be a mom.
I'm going to be a mom someday, it just maybe to a child I grow in my heart, and that's o.k. with me. I guess what I mean is that I'm trying to let go some. I know that God intends for me to be a mom and he will bring us a child someway. We have discussed so many times that there are children out there who need loving parents and a loving home. We have that. And a lucky kid will get to be part of it. Plus, they will have 2 sets of Grandparents that don't care that they are adopted. I love that. I love that both of our families were entirely open to us about adoption when we mentioned that that may be the only way we could have children. I'm very lucky to have all of their support. I know that my children will have their support too.
Well, It's Monday, boy is it Monday! I hate Mondays for the most part.
I decided that I had to let the nurse, the secretary, and my teaching partner at school know about the cyst and the Lupron. That's it. No one else is to know. I didn joke with my PICs...partners in crime...that they should just wait until the Middle of Sept. Then I'll be a ***** on wheels. hehehehe I love those guys, but they are a little clueless. They asked why and I said new drugs, no need to go farther. They are guys, they don't want to hear about it.
My Mom sent me an e-mail asking if there is no other way that Dr. Spirtos can shrink the cyst, if there are any other drugs he can do instead, and if I've asked all that I can. I had to reassure her that this is necessary, no matter how much I don't like it is necessary. Also that I have asked questions. This cyst is a lot worse then the other last year. Ocassionally I can feel this one. Just a twinge of pain then it's gone, almost like a ghost or a whisp of something that you thought was there in the corner of your eye but when you turn to look it isn't there. Spookie sort of. It makes me wonder if it is getting smaller or bigger when that happens. I fell bad for my mom. I know she want to protect me, she's my mom, but at some point I just need realism. It almost makes me wonder if she thinks this is her fault that it is me. I feel bad that she has to watch me go through this and feel so helpless and powerless to make it better. I have always been her "sick" one. there has always been something wrong with me. They all complain that I'm the spoiled one...they helped to spoil me. (I'm spoiled, I know it. Not nearly as spoiled as my bros. and sisters all think.) If is isn't one thing with me it is another...since I've been small. I just feel bad for her. She has sick me. She worries about me.
But, then I think. She has ME! She loves me so very much. She has pushed me to be the person that I am, and I'm so thankful for that. I wouldn't be as smart or talented or half of the things that I am without her. I guess that I just can't let this get me down. Sometime that is easier said than done. As much as my mother loves me and wants to protect me, I want that for my children. I am thankful for what I have and what I am given everyday. I guess I need to help my Mom realize that a some point she can't protect me from everything. I know she knows this, but I think she just doesn't want it to be me going through all this anymore. She feels bad. She can't understand why it is me and why my other sisters didn't have problems, or atleast didn't say that it took them 14 months and 16 months to conceive, before I told them about my pcos and endo. I guess maybe we don't think sometimes that what we have to offer can help someone else, even if it is in the tiniest way. I know now that an Aunt of my mother's had endo. I know what to tell my children that I give birth to. They will know what it has taken, they will know that it isn't their fault, or my fault, or any fault. It just is.
This post sure hasn't turned out how I intended when I started. *laugh*
It's funny how things we intended often turn out differently when all is said and done. I never thought that I would be where I am now. I look back on my plan for my life and I see that things that should have been a straight path are somehow curved and distorted, sometimes doubling back on itself and veering off into a direction I didn't see before me until I got right to it's threshold. It's been a long walk to here. It will be a long walk ahead. I'm just sitting down and catching my breath for the moment.
Well, I started the Lupron on Wednesday the 15th.
I give myself 1 shot a day for the next how many every days it takes.
Jim, the nurse, mentioned that I'll do 28 instead of 14 at half the dose for each dose. So, I guess this means that I'll do the lupron with the Gonal F? I'll have to ask when I go back again next week. I have to go in on day 3 of my next cycle. I'm thinking that AF should show by Tuesday. Atleast that was how it always was when I waas on BCPS before. I would start the green pills on Sunday and no AF until Tuesday.
My ovaries are at a diameter of 25 mm X 15 mm.
Much better than before.
Now, to get everything else in order! LOL! I have papers to grade that I keep carrying around. I need to get on that.
I had an RE appt. on Saturday since that was day 3. Yeah!!! A chance at a fresh start. I'm to continue taking the Lupron until Wed. then I can STOP!!!! I also started 2 powders of Gonal - F on Saturday. So, that means that I'm doing injectables. I get to go on Wed. for blood work and u/s. I let the people at school know I would be out Wed. morning, but I still have to call.
I'm hoping that this will be the last time that I have to do all this stuff. I told Marlin last night that I'll do this until December, then I quit. We aren't doing IVF, so this will be it. I'm praying that this works. My friend, who's the nurse at my school, had been having fertility issues for years now. She kinda cringed when I had to mix up the powders then inject them. She told me that she didn't think that I would be able to do it, but was really amazed that I didn't even flinch. I'm no wimp here! I showed her my belly the other day. I had had trouble finding a good spot that didn't hurt when I started to stick the needle in. Poked a few holes around on my stomach, they left little red dots, but didn't bleed, so nothing major. Some one else kinda overheard me tell the nurse that i had put injections in the fridge and to let the nurse know to come see me when she got in. Well, she asked me about it. She's really nice and she isn't gonna run around telling the entire staff that I'm doing injections, so I told her. I was telling ehr about giving myself two shots right now. She cringed too. It really isn't that bad, or that hard for that matter.
We do what we have too.
Well, from there I went from giving myself shots in the stomach to having to get them twice a day intermuscularly...in the butt. from a nice 2 powders to 3 to 3 each shot. And if that isn't bad enough to ended up doing 5 boxes worth...50 powders.
So, we did the iui on the 9th and 10th. and of course.....................
Yep, why should the friggen thing come out right? Stupid really!!! How on earth do you go from having 4 out of 7 that were good to not getting pregnant yet again? I'm really getting sick of this.
What else should I be doing? Really, are there any other tests I can do? Maybe if I isolate myself in a bubble for the next several months...no stress, then I actually get pg. Then again...probably not.
I did do gonal f again.
I started spotting Monday night, was supposed to go Tuesday for a BT, but decided to wait because of school. I started heavier on Tuesday, so I didn't think too much of it. I went in today. US and Bloodwork. I'm told that I should start my gonal f on Thursday. I come home to a call that my RE would like to do an hsg on Monday as well. I decided to call them back.
My blood work came back...I'm pg, but my hcg is only 8. I'm miscarrying. I have to go back in on Monday. Right now I'm praying for a miracle.
I've told Marlin and Mom. What else can I do? I guess I just have to wait. I'm not to do anything until after I see the RE on Monday. Can I just go to sleep and wake up Monday?
I ended up losing my angel over Thanksgiving. My bleeding was really heavy on that Wednesday and then Thursday, but stopped on Friday. I had a little spotting on Sunday, but not much.
I went in on Monday to find out that I already had an egg starting again. How this happened I don't know. We ended up soing IUI without injectables on the 6th and 7th. I'm praying that we will be blessed this time.
I also got a call today from my RE. My pap came back negative, but another test came back abnormal. I'm going to call tomorrow and find out which test. If I don't I'm going to worry about it until I find out. I just pray that it is nothing major or something so minor that they can fix it rather easily. I'm tired of being broken.