My Journal - You don't know what you've got till its gone....
After some deliberating I have decided to create a journal :) to record my journey from where I am now to a BFP :) hopefully that will be sooner rather than later.
Brief intro of my TTC/PG/MC journey so far for anyone who is bothering to read this :) warning - LONG
My husband and I recently decided to start trying for a baby..In september 2008 to my suprise after being sick with flu for almost the whole month - I found out I was pregnant...even more exciting was my due date was the anniversary of our very first date!
I'll never forget when I found out I was pregnant. The 2WW started out the same as any other month - as Im sure many other women TTC will be able to sympathise with - I'd just about convinced myself I had every pregnancy symptom under the sun!! haha but this time something definitely 'felt' different....I was much MUCH moodier!! Dizzy even when standing up from my desk at work...hungry like you would not believe and all importantly - latefor AF! which I NEVER am!
I was determined not to get my hopes up and kept waiting thinking my body was playing a cruel trick on me...even on the walk up to the pharmacy I was still convinced it was all a waste of time - I almost felt embarassed to ask for the test as I thought "there's no way this is going to be positive" I walked back to the office and as I did I passed a shop that happened to be playing our wedding song!! its a sign! I thought...back in the office i snuck in to the bathroom - carefully unwrapping the test not to make a sound.......
I did the test....and waited - still CONVINCED the window would remain white! which obviously at first when the test line appeared it did - "there!" I thought "I knew it" until slowly another line appeared and just got darker and darker and darker until it was as dark as the test line!! OMG Im pregnant! was the first thing that went through my head...closely followed by happiness, fear and elation all at once - and an unbelievable feeling of love towards this little miracle growing inside me.
I rang my husband straight away - he was so happy he cried! I felt like nothing could get better - that I had everything I ever wanted...I even drove down to his work just to show him the test.
I began taking my vitamins and watching my diet etc but still no one knew...by this point I was 5 weeks....We told my MIL on her birthday - I was so proud to be carrying her first grandchild and couldnt stop smiling....I officially named my little one "bloat" :) a cute little nickname I gave our little one as he/she was too small to cause a bump and because I am slight all I had was bloating so the name seemed to stick :)
I went for my first Dr's appointment...he gave me the all clear and told me to come back for my first scan on 1st December little did I know I would never get that far....
At around 6 weeks I began suffering the dreaded M/S it started off one night in the early hours of the morning...I woke up feeling sooo hungry I went in to the kitchen to grab something - crackers seemed like a good idea!! Nope!! :) I took one bite and could not swallow!! M/S is like nothing I have ever experienced - smells got so much stronger to the point that smells that normally wouldnt have bothered me in the slightest - made me gag!
My hubby did the expectant father thing of talking to my belly - and we took photo's every week to record the bump getting bigger :) It was really nice to see progress! Then on the day I was officially 12 weeks the worst happened!! when I went to the bathroom in the morning I noticed some brown spotting - I was so shocked and I began to cry I hugged my stomach. I wandered into my hubby who was jsut waking up - I remember his face when I told him he looked like someone had jsut punched him, but he reassured me that I was going to be fine...I scheduled a scan for that night to make sure all was ok.
The day DRAGGED!! I was so scared i think deep down I knew something was not right...when the time came I left for my scan one of my colleagues said to me - "make sure you bring us photos!" and my reaction was "yeah if everything is ok!" I think I knew!
Waiting for the scan was so horrible! when I finally went in the nurse asked me my name and LMP which she tapped in as I lay back on the couch...she spread the gel on to my stomach and pressed - an image shot up on screen - our baby - My hubby had a smile on his face from ear to ear...but I knew something was not right! I had studied U/S pics and I knew what a 12 week old baby should look like "you're not 12 weeks" the nurse said - "I am" I shot back - I knew my cycles inside out and I knew I was 12 weeks...she measured and measured again - 9w 5d was what kept coming up...my heart sank but the worst moment was when she turned on the volume and switched the screen to the heatbeat - there was nothing - just a flat line!!....I felt like my world had ended, my hubby had his head in his hands.....she measured again, and pressed and pressed but my little baby wasnt moving...I had to accept the worst. My baby had died almost 3 weeks previous and I didnt even know.
The days following were the worst in my life - I felt numb...like I wasnt real...like I was in a dream...i slept that night with my hand on my stomach knowing my baby had died. It was awful...I went to see my ob gyn the next day who scheduled me in for the D&C the day after.
All those feelings of "is this the right time" "is this the right thing for us" "what if I cant cope" "am I ready" I now know the answer to. hence the name of my journal "You don't know what you've got until its gone" All those times I complained about M/S or worried about the impending strech marks or having to un-button my jeans because they wouldnt fit comfortably anymore...I would do anything to have them back!!
That was 3 months ago and here I am :) first "official" month of TTCAL....and praying this is my month to make my hubby a daddy and our chance to be the family we want so badly to be xx