Ok so I am finally going to do it…I am finally going to start my TTC journal. I have been reading and rereading so many of other women’s journals that I think it is finally time for me to tell my story. Here are the basics, I am 29 years old (30 in March) and my DH of 5 years is 31. I went off BC in June of 2005 and after a 3 month wait we started trying in September last year. Just to back up a bit, I have always known that I wanted children but been afraid that I would have problems. My mom and her sister have always had female issues (miscarriages, fibroid tumors, etc). So it has always been in the back of my mind that I would have trouble. My husband is in the military and up until this last year he was gone a lot so it wasn’t a good time for us to start a family. I wanted him home for as much as possible during this amazing experience. So that brings us back to Sept of last year. I wasn’t expecting a lot at first, I had never tracked my cycle and have always had irregular cycles. I was right, it took us about 7 months to get pregnant the first time. We were so excited but I was a little worried because I had a lot of cramping. I was 5 weeks pregnant. My friends that I had told said not to worry, some cramping is expected. I made an appt with my primary doctor but when he did a urine pregnancy test, it came out negative. I didn’t know what to think..I was very disappointed. He decided to do a blood test so he could look at my HCG levels but I knew that it was over. I woke up the next morning to find that I had started bleeding very heavily. I talked to my doctor later that day and he said he wasn’t surprised by what I told him had happened, my HCG levels were very low so if I hand’ started to miscarry he knew I would have soon enough. I bleed for about a week, it was horrible. I think the worst part was telling the people that you told about the pregnancy that it was over. That is not a good conversation to have, oh yeah by the way, I miscarried yesterday. ARRGGHHH. My husband and I told ourselves that we would keep it to ourselves the next time.
So, we kept trying and low and behold got pregnant again right away. I was shocked actually but very excited because this one felt totally different from the first one. No cramping, breast soreness, I was exhausted and very gassy. I told myself not to get too excited after what happened the first time but it was hard to not be happy. My husband and I told friends, yes we broke our rule…we just couldn’t help it. I found out on a Sunday and I had to leave for San Diego Monday. I am from SD so I decided to tell my friends in person while I was there..it was perfect. The bad part came on Thursday when I started spotting not to mention I had somehow caught a cold. My flight back to NC was a redeye Thursday night, I was feeling like such crap and had a bad feeling about the pregnancy. I got home the next morning and went straight to bed. When I woke up, the bleeding had returned. Oh, I was so disappointed. I just kept thinking, what the heck is going on? Why is this happening again and at 5 weeks? What am I doing wrong? All of the normal things that go through your head when something like this happens.
I knew that I had to see a doctor and went through the procedure to get an appt with an OBGYN. Little did I know how hard that was going to be. I am sure so many of you will agree that Insurance is horrible! I mean I know we have to have it but it makes getting to a doctor so much harder. Especially when you live off of a base and in a town where not a lot of doctors take your insurance. I wanted to scream. I had to wait 3 months to get into see a doctor. My husband and I decided to take a break during the 3 month wait for my appointment because I really did not want to go through a 3rd miscarriage and we had no clue what was going on. I think that is one of the worst things, the not knowing. It may happen again but it may not, that is the risk that we all take.
This brings me up to last week. My doctors appt was last Monday, the 18th. I didn’t know what to expect going into the appt. I had a new doctor and a lot of things to figure out and as we all know, some doctors aren’t so willing to help find the answers to all of your questions. I met my doctor and liked him off the bat. He was younger and seemed to be actually hearing everything I was saying. Not just sitting there acting like he was listening when in reality they weren’t. Anyway, after I gave him the low down on everything that had been happening, he did the pap and he felt my uterus. He said he couldn’t feel anything out of place. He also scheduled me for some blood work and an ultrasound. The end result was for us to keep trying. He said that until that 3rd loss he didn’t want to do any extensive blood work or other tests. I was a little disappointed in this and I really did not want to go through another miscarriage. I mean who does? I told him as much. He said that really we don’t know what happened the first two times and we really can’t say that it will in fact happen again. My second miscarriage could have happened because it was so soon after the first one and my hormones were out of whack. We just won’t know. I had my ultrasound last Thursday and the doctor should have the results today. I am hoping that they call and let me know the results but I am not sure if they will. They are mailing me the results of all the other tests. With my family history, I just don’t know what to expect.
So here we are to today, CD 16 and I should be ovulating any day now. I am currently taking my temp (which I just started doing last month) and tracking my CV. I also get pretty bad cramps during ovulation (which started this morning) so I should ovulating any time. The bad part is that my husband has duty today and tomorrow so we may not have much luck this cycle unless BDing on Wednesday works. That is part of our problem…timing!
No test results yet. I hate waiting. I would hope that if the doctor saw something abnormal on my ultrasound, he would call me and tell me, right? I think I am going to give him until the end of the week and if I haven't heard anything I will try to call. I know this practice is really busy so I want to give him enough time to look at the results.
My temp stayed down today and the ovulation pain is gone which at least means I am not ovulating today. This is good. I am hoping that I have a temp serg tomorrow or thursday when DH is actually home. I have a small window here so I am keeping my firngers that I ovuate during that time.
YEAH!! My temp went up this morning just as I hoped. I should be ovulating today or tomorrow! I am very excited...especially since my DH is actually home today and tomorrow. He will be happy when I tell him. I am trying not to get my hopes up with this cycle but it is so hard not to. All we can do is BD as much as we can. LOL
I am now officially confused! I thought for sure I was going to ovulate yesterday, I had all the signs...higher temp, EWCM...but when I took my temp this morning, it was down.
So what does this mean then? I have no freakin clue. My DH and I BD last night and will again tonight just in case but he won't be here all weekend so if I actually ovulate then, I may miss this cycle. AARRGGHHHH. My body is so weird. Last month (my left ovary) I had a lot more cramping and my temp went up and stayed up. Granted I was traveling during my ovulation and kept forgetting to take my temps so I dont' know the exact day that I ovulated but I can pretty much guess. No wonder my cycles are irregular...each ovary has a mind of its own! This is going to be a long cycle if I don't O soon. You know I actually like temping, it has told me so much about my body but man it is nerve raking. I was actually surprised at how disapointed I was this morning when my temp was lower than yesterday. I really had high hopes that we had the timing right this cycle. Timing has been our major hurdle...it is not easy trying to conceive when the days you are Oing, Your husband is at the station standing duty. And its not like he can come home for a quickie. Anyway I am just babbeling now. Lets just hope that some of the swimmers stay in my system until I do O.
Well I actually have good news today, my temp went up this morning and not by just a little bit...by a whole lot. LOL I am excited. I don't know if this means I ovulated yesterday or maybe today? DH and I BD last night so I am keeping my fingers crossed that the swimmers make it to the egg! I guess I am onto the 2ww...boy I hate the waiting. It was kind of nice not stressing about all of this the last few months since we were taking a break.
I was talking to a good friend of mine last night (who is about 13 weeks pregnant) about the weird thing my body was doing (you know with the decrease in temp yesterday). She said, you guys just need to relax and have fun...stop temping and let it happen. I was like..I know I know but I have no clue when I actually ovulate when I am not temping..it will take sooo much longer for us to get prego if I didn't....hence the last 12 months!! LOL I love my friends to death but some of them don't understand because it wasn't as hard for them to get pregnant. Its not that easy to just let it go and relax for the month...especially when my DH isn't home all the time and its not like you can just get pregnant any time of the month! I just get frustrated sometimes because I REALLY want to get pregnant...I want to be part of that club!
I am feeling pretty good this morning. I am now at 4 DPO...I finally have cross hairs. My chart looks so official now. I wasn't able to pinpoint O last month so it looked nothing like this one. FF says we have a good chance of getting pregnant based on my O date and when we BD. I am happy about that because we only had a two day window. We will see. FF says I shold wait until 17 DPO to test but I can't wait that long...I am going to have to test the weekend before that. Not to mention I am leaving for Brazil the day before it says I should test so I won't even be in this country on 17DPO! Also, I need to know if I am pregnant or not before I leave....It yes, then no partying in Brazil...if not, then I can at least have a little fun. LOL I really hope that it is a BFP but I am trying not to get my hopes up. I did notice that my temp went up even more this morning and my breasts are tender.......????
I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. Mainly about how things are going to change between my DH and I once we have a baby. I know that he is going to be a great dad but I am worried that all things baby and house are going to fall to me to take care of. Do you know what I mean? Right now I am having to deal with a lot of laziness and he says that it has a lot to do with work and I know he has been REALLY stressed out and wants to just relax when he gets home BUT the stuff at home still needs to get done. We have projects around the house that we started but not finished....whats goign to happen when we add a baby to the mix? I don't want to do it all myself. This is why we have waited the past 3 years to start TTC..he wasn't home and I didn't want to go through all of it myself. I am sure I am worrying for nothing and things will get better once it quiets down at work for him. He hasn't always been like this. I really don't want to become that nagging wife that men talk about...sometimes I feel like I already do nag him and I hate that. How do you get through that? I wish that he would just get up in the morning and say...I am going to finish this OR I am going to take care of this today, rather than sitting on his butt and watching TV or playing on his computer. I used to like sleeping in until 11 and then hanging out all day but since we have bought the house, that has changed for me. I would much rather get up at 8 or 8:30 and start on projects. It just seems our priorities are different and I don't know how to get them back together?
I know I need to talk to him about all of this, I just don't know how to do it in a way that won't upset him. I love him very much.
Wow, that was kind of a depressing post. I just needed to get it out I guess. If anyone reading this has any good ideas, please let me know!
Boy it was a long week. I went to Toronto for work and I had the worst travel experience and I was only gone for 2 days. I am not going to go into it now but let me tell you, I was really glad to get home on thursday.
Things are going better at home now. My DH and I talked about how I have been feeling lately (see my last post) and he didn't realize that it was that bad. He promised to be better and he already has been. His parents are coming down this weekend and he helped me get the house together so that was nice. I am really glad that we talked...I have the tendency to keep things inside until they burst out and cause more problems. I need to talk things out more often.
On the TTC front. I am getting excited about this cycle but I am trying not to get my hopes up. I am at 9 DPO and my temp dipped on 7 DPO and has stayed up since. Implantation??? Maybe. My breats have also been very tender. I have been fighting myself about testing early and tomorrow is 10 DPO but since his parents are here we decided that I shouldn't test just yet. We don't want to tell anyone at first and if I tested and we got a BFP then we would have to tell them. We wouldn't be able to hide our excitment. So I decided to wait until tuesday at the earliest. I am keeping my fingers crossed for this month. I so want to be pregnant.
I am feeling a little doubtful about this month now. My temps went down for the second straight day and I am feeling a little crampy so I think AF may be coming. If my cycle stays on track like the last 3, then I should start my period tomorrow. If I haven't started by wednesday morning then I am testing. I just can't wait any longer than that. I really hope that I don't start my period and I get a + test result. If not, then we will just keep trying.
This last weekend went really well with MIL and FIL. I enjoy their company. I am pretty lucky really, neither my parents nor DH's parents intrude on our lives. They are there if we need them but never have told us what to do. DH finally told his parents about the m/c's so we talked a little bit about it. I am glad that they know actually. I don't have to worry about hiding it any more.
Well not much else to report. I just keep thinking about AF coming..its hard not to be disapointed. I am trying to keep my head up since I dont' even know yet if she will come. I will write more tomorrow.
Ok, temps went up this morning and to higher than they have been all month. What the heck! This could be good news ladies. I was quite disappointed last night because I was really feeling like I was going to start my period..you know, moody and crampy. I was quite surprised when my temp was up quite high this morning. I am trying not to get too excited. One other good thing...on this day last month, my temp plumeted and I started my period....???? I don't really have very regular periods but they have been quite consistent the last 3 months. We will see. If I don't start my period today, I am testing tomorrow morning. I will be 13 DPO anyway so I should get a BFP by then.
I heard some great news from a good friend yesterday. She is now about 13 weeks pregnant and found out that they are having a girl. The baby is healthy and has a strong heart beat. Can't get much better than that. How exciting. They have a 17 month old boy, Ian, right now so they were hoping for a girl. I am so happy for them. I just hope that I am joining her soon.
Keep your fingers crossed for me! Write more later...