OMG, OMG....it happened. I got a blazzing BFP this morning. It showed up right away. I tried to take pictures but our camera wouldn't take a clear picture. I couldn't be happier yet I feel very guarded like somthing in me is not allowing me to fully translate what is happening. I think I am trying to protect myself from the hurt of another m/c if it happens again. Does that make sense? I do feel different this time. My bbs are very tender and I am really tired but I also have a kind of fluttery cramping going on down there. Its not like a pain, its just that I can tell there is something happening. It is still very early and both my m/c were at 5 weeks so I will be pretty much holding my breath until after next week. The bad part is that I will be in Brazil next week for work. So if soemthing happens I will be in a foreign country and away from my DH for support. Well we will just cross that bridge if we come to it...I just hope that bridge doesn't come near me. LOL I think I am going to keep writing in this journal for a little while...at least until I pass the 5 week mark.
Good Luck to all of you ladies. Keep your fingers crossed for stickiness!
Well I got another positive test this morning and my temps are still high though it did dip from yesterday. Should I be worried? I have no clue. I had to take my temp about an hour earlier today so that might be a reason for the difference. I just hope that this isn't a precurser for something else. I am going to say positive though. I have a doc. appt today at 11:45am and he will be able to confirm the preg test and then hopefully do blood work. I will have a good idea of whats going on once I see the results. I am quite nervous but who wouldn't be I guess after two early m/c's. I am so praying that my HCG level is high and my progesterone is high. I will feel 10 times better if they are. I have been having minor cramping...its kind of weird, almost like I can't describe it. It is very low and feels most like ligament pain (I think that is what they called it). From what I read though, you don't usually get this until the 2nd trimester. So I dont' know what to think. I cramped a lot during my frist pregnancy and m/c but this cramping is not the same...its not as intense and feel more like pressure than anything. Ok, I need to stop obsessing about every little thing and know that if this baby is meant to be then it will be and everything will be fine.
Thank you all for listening and I am hoping that you all get BFP's soon!
A lot has happened since I last posted here. I have been on a roller coaster ride of sorts. Things were giong really great with my pregnancy and then its like the rug was pulled out from underneath me. Sometime during my 7-8 week our baby died. It just stopped developing. I found out on the 9th and had a D&C on the 10th. I had never had a D&C before...all of my prevous miscarriages had been natural. everything went fine though and i recovered quickly. I think the hardest part of it all was waking up in the operating room after it was over and I just burst into tears...it was like I just felt that the baby wasn't inside of me any more and it was the saddest thing. It was so hard to stop crying but the nurses were great...there were a few that had been through the same thing so they were really supportive. My husband was great through the whole thing...there at my side. I think this whole thing has brought us closer together too. I realized how much he loves me and how much I love him as well has how ready we both are to start our family.
So where do we go from here you ask? Well the doctor has sent off the tissue from the D&C to a lab to be tested so we can see what was wrong with the baby. I am also scheduled to go back to see her on December 6th for some more testing. My doctor told me that if there is something physicaly wrong with either my DH or me, she will do her best to find it. I do feel blessed to have a good doctor on my side..one that is willing to do all she can to help us. We will be taking a little break before we start trying again. I want to do all the testing we can and my doc wants me to have 3 full cycles before we try again. So February it is. Matt and I decided that we are going to use this time to focus on us and do thing around the house that i was going to have to put off since I was pregnant. We may also take a trip...maybe a cruise. Just the two of us. I think that would be good for us.
This is all so hard to deal with...hard to wrap my head around. Why is this happening to us? I know there are so many women out there that have the same problem but it doesn't make it any easier to understand. I know that everything happens for a reason but what could possibly be the reason for this?
I am feeling pretty emotional today. I think its my hormones. I feel like I could break down and start crying any minute. I just feel so lost at times...its hard to explain why too. I think those of you that have had m/c's understand what I am feeling...does it every go away? I know that I will never forget this baby or any of the babies I have lost but this one is much harder than the last two. I know its because we became so much more attached...we saw the heartbeat, everything was working out perfectly. We were so happy. How do we get back to that? Will we be that happy with the next pregnancy...i think eventually we will but I think at first we will be cautious about getting too attached. thats natural right? I have so many emotions going on right now and I don't even know how to express them. So many questions....
Hopefully the answers come soon. We want a baby so badly.
Things seem to be getting easier each day. I still go through these boats of needing to cry but they do seem to be getting less and less. I found out today that anohter woman on the June board had a m/c, one similar to mine where the baby stopped developing sometime in the 8th week. I was really hoping that no on else would go through what I went in my circle of June friends. I feel so bad for her.
I was reading some things today about miscarriages and how when you have had three in a row, there is most likely something wrong...these aren't just fluke m/c any more. That is so scary. I just hope that if there is something wrong with me, that the doc finds it. It would be so hard if I found out that I couldnt have a baby...NO, I am not even going to think about that yet. There is no reason to. I am just anxious for some answers.
One of my very good friends was rushed to the hospital early wednesday morning when she had a seizure in her sleep. She is 20 weeks pregnant right now too. She is doing ok but it was so scary...they still don't know what caused it but the baby doesn't seem to have been affected by it. Thank God.
What a crazy week it has been...is anyone else having all these bad things happening to them??
So I haven't posted in a while since we aren't actively TTC right now. I am patiently waiting for AF to show and I have no clue when she will come. I am hoping soon so that I can get this cycle over with and start temping again. I feel so lost when I don't know whats going on with my body. I don't think I O'd this cycle...I dont' know how unual that is after a D&C. Either that or I am going to O and this will be a really long cycle. We will see.
SO I am going to the doc for my 4 week checkup tomorrow. I am actually pretty nervous...I have no clue what to expect. We will know the results of the pathology on the baby and hopefully know what happened. I am sure she will do an exam to make sure that everything has healed ok and give us the ok to DTD again. I am also hoping that we come away with a battle plan...a plan for all the testing we will do in the next few months. Matt is coming with me tomorrow...I am gratefull because he has been my rock through all of this. I can lean on him if we get bad news.
We got to talking last night about the sex of our baby and if we want to know what it was. Right now I dont want to know, I feel like all that sadness will come right back to me if we knew. I also know that if we found out, I would want to name him/her and I want naming my baby to be a happy time, not a sad one. His initial reaction was different...he said he would want to know but that he would do whatever I wanted to do. Men go through things so differently than we do. He is ready to move on, ready for us to TTC again....he has pretty much put the last m/c out of his mind. I know that he will always remember that baby but he doesn't think about it every day like I do. I keep thinking about how far along I would be right now...how I would be out of the danger zone. I keep thinking how diffeerent our holiday will be now. I guess I am not fully over what happened and I don't know that I will ever be. I will never forget what happened or long for that baby. I guess time will tell what our life holds.
Well we had our appt this morning. The pathology report from the tissue wasn't back yet so we won't know what happened for a few more weeks. We did find out that the pregnancy itself was normal so thats good. They took a whole bunch of blood from me so they can do all the recurrent pregnancy loss testing. I am also goign to be scheduled for an MRI so they can look at my uterus and make sure that everything is good there. I have my next appt on January 10th so we can go over all of the results then.
I am feeling some of the emotions coming back to me today..it was hard going back to the doc office, it brought back quite a few memories. I wasn't really expecting that. So now we just wait...wait for AF, wait for test results..I am tired of waiting already. The doc wants us to prevent pregnancy until at least February mainly so that we have the time to do the testing necessary for a healthy pregnancy next time around and for my uterine lining to build back up again. I am fine with this and totally agree on waiting.
I will post more once AF is here and I can begin temping again...that will at least give me something to focus on.
Today is the EDD of the first baby we lost at 5 weeks. I don't really know how I feel right now..I am sad because I could technically have a baby right now and yet I am feeling Ok with things. The first pregnancy was short lived so I didn't have much time to get attached like this last one. I am not dismissing this loss what so ever but it does lessen the sadness of it. It also helps that I have my beautiful rememberance necklace on...I am able to keep my losses close to my heart where they always will be. I have the EDD birthstones of all three losses in this necklace and I wear it each day. Its almost like I have a piece of each one that I carry with me. Does that sound weird??
I am also feeling hopefull today..hopefull that my doctor is going to be able to find out whats happening and fix it. I have already had blood work done (though no results just yet) and I have an MRI scheduled for Wednesday night. I should also find out the pathology results on my last m/c in the coming weeks. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere.
Right now i am waiting for AF to show which has been frustrating...I am not on CD39 with no sign of her showing up. I just want her to show up so I can move on with the next cycle...I am going to start charting again so that will help me to see if I am still ovulating regularly. Matt is really ready to start again, more than I am I think. For me, I am just scared of losing another baby. I want to give this next pregnancy all it needs to survive and right now we don't know what that is. He wants that to but i think he is tired of waiting for the answers..he wants them now. Men..they can be so impatient (I wouldn't mind hearing those answers now either though).
We will see what the next few weeks bring. Happy Holidays to everyone reading this....
CD42 and still no sign of AF. I am going to scream...I need AF to get here so that I can start a new cycle!! I haven't had to wait this long for AF in about a year. This is so frustrating.
On another note, I had my MRI last night. That was a crazy experience. If you have not had an MRI before (whihc I hadn't either) you are in for quite an obnoxious ride. That thing is soooo loud...when I was finally finished, I felt like I do after a rock concert...my ears were throbbing. They give you ear plugs but it was still very loud. I can see why children have a hard time with MRI's...it would be a very scarey experience as a child. I am not clostophobic (sp?) so I didn't have a problem with the very tight space but if you are prepare yourself. Its amazing that with all of today's technology that an imaging machine like that is still so obtrusive.
I don't know when my doc will get the results but my next appt is on the January 10th (I have problaby mentioned that before) so we will go over all the test results then. I am excited to see what the heck is wrong with me and why I keep miscarrying.
Well now all the testing is done and all we can do is wait. This weekend will be nice..we are going up to MD to visit Matt's parents for Christmas. It will be a nice break. I am then leaving for Cleveland on business on the 27th for a few days so really I won't be back to work until after the new year. Pretty nice little break.
GOod Luck to all the TTC'ers. I wish you all Christmas BFP's if they are possible.
Happy New Year! Well as you can see from my siggy, I finally started my period. I started on December 27th and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...I did have some pretty painfull cramping the first day and very heavy bleeding day 1 and 2 but other than that, it was a piece of cake. I am happy to be starting a new cycle...I also starting temping again. I really hope that this cycle isn't as long as the last...I really don't want another 47 day cycle.
I had a nice Christmas with Matt's family, I do enjoy seeing them. We went to his Aunt's house for Christmas eve and it was harder than I expected it to be. This was the first time that we had seen his family since the m/c and I didn't know what to expect from them. Matt's cousins both had babies int he last year too and it was hard to see them. Most of his family didn't say anything to me which I actually thought was best. A few of them mentioned how sorry they were and that it had happened to them too. Its hard to explain why I had a hard time...it was almost like some of them were dismissing what happened. I know that his family loves us and wouldn't wish something like that to happen but I also didn't feel like they truely understood what had happened. Does that make sense? At one point I had to get out of there or else I was going to lose it..thankfully Matt noticed and we were able to escape to the basement for a while. I thought I was past a lot of the feelings I felt that night but I guess I wasn't. I know it will get easier and it already has. I was happy when the night was over and also that I don't have to go through that again for a while.
Fast foward a few days. I was getting ready to leave for Cleveland on the 27th and got a call from my OBGYN. Well it was actually the nurse but whatever. She said that they got the results back from my MRI and I have small fibroids in my utuerus. She also said that I should not worry and my doctor will go over everything at my next appointment on the 10th. So this took a minute to process for me...my mom has had fibroids so I am not surprised that I have them but could this be why I have miscarried? Shouldn't these fibroids have been taken care of during my D&C? If yes does that mean that these fibroids have grown since then? What does that say about the fibroids that could have been in there during my last pregnancy? Is that why my first two pregnancies didn't implant correctly? So many questions and still a week to wait to get the answers. I have tried to do some reasearch online but there are so many unknowns out there and a lot I don't know about the kind of fibroids I have. I am gonig to try not to freak out too much until I talk to the doctor...i could be worrying about nothing. My mom didn't seem to think that fibroids was the cause of my last miscarriage and she also doesn't think these current ones are anything to worry about. We will see.