Wow, a lot has happened since I last posted. I am going through a loss that I just don't know how to deal with. One of my best friends and her fiance were killed on Sunday in a motorcylce accident. I still can't believe that they are gone. I am a wreck. Other than my m/c's I have never experienced the loss of a family member or friend close to me. I don't know how to deal with this? I miss her so much already. She was always a bright spot in my life...always there when you needed her...always made you feel great about yourself...was always ready for a party. She was still young and so beautiful. How could this happen?? I sit here looking at her picture, at pictures of us together, remembering those moments and I feel thankful to have ever known her.
Matt and I will be flying out to San Diego on Friday for her services this weekend. They are having a viewing on Saturday and the funeral on Sunday. The viewing will be hard and I still haven't decided if I want to see her like that. At least I will be with the rest of my friends...it is sad that this is the reason we are all together again but Marcia would have wanted it...she would want us all to be together...I just wish she was a part of it. I wish that we were coming out to celebrate something great..like her wedding. That is why we should have been out here...not to mourn her.
This weekend is also our wedding anniversary...6 years since we were all in vegas for my wedding. Marcia was there...all of us together. Now we will be all together again. How can we possibly celebrate this anniversary?
In case you are reading this and would like to see pictures of my beautiful friend, please visit my myspace page as I have dedicated it to her... http://www.myspace.com/jamiejoonc
Well I finally made it to two pages. I am actually going to do two posts..this one is going to be about my weekend last weekend, remembering my dear Friends Marcia and Rogerio. The next post will recap all of the updated in regards to TTC.
Here is how the weekend transpired (In case you have read my post in P&IL, this is pretty much the same post):
Matt and I flew into San Diego on Friday afternoon and met up with friends that night. I was quite nervous to see everyone..I didn't know how it would be, especialy without marcia there. In the end, it was a really nice night...we all spent time catching up and I was happy to see everyone and their kids. We also spent a lot of time going through pictures and reminiscing (sp?) about all of the wonderful times we had with marcia.
Saturday was another story. Saturday my friend Michelle and I drove out to where the crash happened and I knew then and there that this accident was purely that...a tragic accident. They were coming around a blind curve with a mountain on one side and a gardrail/cliff on the other...the Escalade was coming the other way and somehow they crashed into it. Its hard to know exactly what happened but everything is being done to look into it by the families. Marcia's fiance was a professional rider and I know for a fact that he wouldn't have been doing anything stupid with her on the back of that bike. I keep thinking that if they had just been seconds earlier or later, the accident wouldn't have happened. But it did and I am trying my hardest to deal with that. Ok so back to saturday...after visiting the crash site we met up with our other friends at the morturary for the viewing. I hadn't decided what if I wanted to go in and see them and I knew I probably wouldn't decide until I was there. We got there and I saw one of Marcia's long time friends and we just hugged and cried...it is so hard to see everyone else and yet its comforting to see everyone and be able to share your grief with them. I also saw a lot of Marcia's family some of whom I haven't seen in about 10 years. I knew then that I wanted to be close to Marcia and Rogerio and I wanted to see them. So we all got in line and walked up to the caskets. It took me a little whle to be able to look at Marcia...Rogerio looked so normal, almost like he was asleep and he was dressed in a very nice black suite. I closed my eyes and made my way over to Marcia...she didn't look like herself really and they had her dressed in a wedding dress (this is becuase they had just gotten engaged and were to be married sometime in October) I felt this overwhelming heartbreak...I couldn't stop crying..all of us were. I was able to hug her sister and her husband along with Marcia's parents. It was very hard but in the end I am so glad that I did it...I was able to say goodbye to her in my own way. One feeling that was quite overwhelming for me was that I didn't want to leave her...I just wanted to be close to her.
Later that night we all met up at one of our friends house for dinner...my wonderful friends had decorated the house with Vegas stuff since it was our 6 year wedding anniversary (we were married in vegas). I had barely thought about our anniversary all day...they didn't forget. It helped keep all of our minds onto celebrating our love and friendship.
Sunday was the funeral and we all met up early so we could get seats for we knew that there was going to be a lot of people there. And there was...people were in the lobby listening to the service. It was an open casket ceremony and they had a large TV hooked up with a slide show of pictures cycling through. Some made me cry, others made me laugh but for the most part I just felt this overwhelming feeling of loss because I knew that we would never be able to make those memories again. The service was beautiful and it was wonderful to see how many people Marcia and Rogerio touched and how they brough everyone together again..something they both always did.
We came home monday and I still feel exhausted from the weekend. I am finally getting my appetite back but it is still hard to not think about her. I still can't believe that this happened and I will never see her again. She will always be in my heart though and I will never forget my dear friend Marcia. If she taught us all anything it was that friends are forever and to cherise them as often as you can....I will never take my friends for granted again..they are my family.
Ok, on to my TTC drama... I went to the doctor on the 10th to get all of my test results back. All of them came back NORMAL! I am totally normal. This is good news, right?? Well I am kind of mixed about it actually...its good that there is nothing wrong with me BUT why the heck then have I had 3 miscarriages??? AHHHH. I almost wanted something to be wrong so I had something to pin it on, something to say, "YES, this is what happened"! My doctor said that most likely something was still wrong with the baby, maybe a heart problem or brain development problem but we will never be able to know since I wasn't far enough along to test for that sort of thing. My first two m/c's could have been a hormone issue or something but since I was only about 5 weeks each time and m/c naturally there is nothing we can do now.
So where do we go now, you ask? I went in yesterday (about 8 days after ovulation) to get my progesterone checked. Depending on the test results, I will either be put on supplements next time I get pregnant or they will do further testing once I start my period. We will see. We did get the go ahead to start trying next cycle, which is good. Matt and I are feeling positive about this next pregnancy...something has to go right after this last year,doesn't it? I know that Marcia will be watching over us too and helping us to have the baby we so desperatly want. If we do get pregnant next month then we will be due in November...pretty cool.
I will update again once I have a definite plan for next cycle.
SO AF came on friday..yepiee. This means a few things, 1st is that we are closer to TTC again and second that my cycle is back to normal. I am excited but nervous to try again..I really don't want to go through another loss..I dont' think I can take another one. There has to be something good on the horizon though, right?? Matt is being so positive about this which is great, he is helping me to get past my fears.
My doctor has been great too, she is going to put me on progesterone supplements at the beginning of this next pregnancy to help things along. She will also test my HCG #'s and do early u/s's. I feel like I am in good hands.
So now we just wait for ovulation and see what happens...I am not too worried about actually getting pregnant as that has not been our problem. If our timing is right we should be able to get pregnant right away...that would mean a November baby.
Anyway, wish us luck and I am sure I will be posting in this journal a lot more now that we are actively TTC again.
CD8 and not much going on really. My AF was a little longer than usual but I attibute that to my D&C. I just hope it doesn't screw up my O date. So the more I think about it and the more I post on the TTC boards, the more excited I am about getting pregnant. I am trying not to get too caught up in everything because then I will be dissapointed if AF shows up. I am just really hoping that it happens this month. If not, then we move onto to delivering in December which is the month my first angel would have been due in. Which means it would be a year since I first got pregnant and I still haven't had a healthy pregnancy. It will bring back some feelings that I thought i was over with. Ok, no negaitivity...I dont' want to be negative about this. I know that it will happen soon and I WILL have a healthy baby at the end of it. Whether I get pregnant this month or 6 months from now..I know it WILL happen..it just has to.
Anyway, focusing on TTC has helped a lot with keeping me from dwelling on losing my friends. I still think about them all the time but at least now I have something to be happy for.
We will see what happens, right? I should O next week and matt will be home so our timing should be good. Wish us luck!
Well I should be O-ing soon, that is if my body cooperates this cycle. Let the BDing begin .
Ok so I have a confession to make...I did it, I paid for a Cheri prediction. I just had to. I am usually pretty sceptical and I still am but I just couldn't resist this, I had to know what she "saw" for me. It wasn't that much either..just 6 US$. Anyway here is what she told me:
"Thanks for letting me know.. would tell you APRIL and BOY.. so that is either birth month conceive month or the month youf ind out in.
Also, I am sure you have been for testing for the mc, and wondering if they have looked at your cervix, and perhaps suggested "stitching" it?? just zeroing on the "cervix" area so wondering if they have linked this as a possible reason.
When it comes to APRIL also seeing it more mid month so like the 13-15th.. could you see if that would be when your testing or ovulating?
When it comes to your son, would tell you that he is going to be very active. Someone who loves to tunr and play, always seemsd to be ono the go and just will be very active. It hink that you will find that even as a baby, always seems to be awake more than most newborns,a nd always eems to be fairly quick ot learn on how to be mobile. He is going to be a child that always wants to be on the go, involved wiht what is happening and in the "know". You will find that when you haveguest over, he will want to be in the ktichen with you, listening in, talking, asking questions and being invovled.. if there is someone talking to you and talking to your husband in different rooms, he will spend equal times in each room going back and forth! He has a great sense of humor and very advanced for his age.
You will find that he loves sports, anything that invovles running is great! he has great accuracy and a drive to succeed and plays well on the team.
I think that you will find that he is always very physically able, seems to have a great knack for excersise and over all health. you will find that this is something that he focuses on, often promoting "family" fitness, or eating habits and will try and direct the changes that he feels are needed. He is very well read on this subject, and does alot of reading and studying. I think that the fasination seems to come from people passing away for "treatable" diseases like "heart failure" and heart disease..etc.
When it comes to career paths, I see him linked in the medical field in "diet and nutrition" I also feel that this is more linked to the "sport" field working with atheltes and training..etc.
When it comes to mararige I see him closer to 28, they will have two girls and one boy of their own."
Ok so here are some of my comments on this prediction.
1st...I really hope that I do get pregnant before April but really its not that far off.
2nd..Boy is good, we would like to have a boy first
3rd...I have had an MRI done of my uterus and they have found nothing wrong BUT that doesn't mean that they may not have to "stich" my cervix for my pregnancy. I think I may have to ask her about this.
4th...if what she says about our boy is correct, we aren't going to get any sleep! LOL
In the end, I am glad that i got the prediction...is great to hear what our children might be like.
CD14 and I have no clue what is going on with my body. I have had a huge lack of CM this cycle...I usually have quite a bit up until this point and either I am not catching it or its not happening. The other weird thing is that my temps are rising each day BUT I dont' feel like my body is ovulating...no O pains like I am used to and no EWCM just yet. I mean I guess I could still have some today and actually O tomorrow. I think I am just being impatient..I feel like all I have done this cycle is wait, wait, wait!!!!
Oh and I meant to bring some OPK's to work with me today so I could test but I forgot them. Arrgghh...so now I am debating on if I want to drive home at lunch to test or not. Hmmm...I think I might. I guess it will depend on if any EWCM shows up in the next few hours.
I know that I am just anxious to get moving on this cycle. We have been BDing every other night this week and will again tonight and this weekend so hopefully, if I ovulate, we are able to catch the egg. If not then we move onto the next month. Easier said then done...I am already so attached to the women on the November birth board that it will be hard to leave. I know that not all of them will get pregnant but a lot of them will. It is so hard to not get attached, isn't it?? Attached to that hoping and dreaming of what could be. I think for me too is that I really want something good to happen...I need something good to happen. There has been so much loss in my life recently...something good will help lighten the load.
CD15...this is my projected O date but no O yet. I was able to jet home at lunch yesterday to take an OPK and it was negative (I had a feeling it would be). Soooo I brought two with me to work today so I could test again. I just took one and it had a light line which is better than yesterday where there was NO line at all (I am going to do another OPK later today to see if there is a difference). Soooo maybe this means I am going to be Oing soon. I sure hope its this weekend because DH has duty on monday and tuesday which means no BDing. Well unless we want to sneak away and do it at the station...which really I am not that adventerous. LOL We BD last night and will again this weekend so hopefully we will catch that egg when it happens.
CD18 and still no signs of O. AHHHHHHHH! What the heck man.
My body is really frustrating me this cycle. I don't now if its because I have my hopes up for a BFP this month or what. I am just so ready to have a successfull pregnancy. I have two friends who are pregnant and I really want to join them. Also we are coming up to our first lost anniversary in April and I would really like to be pregnant before then. I need to stop obsessing so much..but how can I really when we have been through so much in the last year and a half. I never thought it was going to be this hard.
Alright thats enough negativity. I looked at the chart for my September cycle (my last BFP) and I actually didn't ovulate until CD19 so I guess all hope is not lost this month. Here is the problem though...say I do ovulate tomorrow or today even...DH is on duty at the station until Wednesday. We DTD yesterday so we may still catch the egg but not like we would if he was home. He said that all I had to do was come to the station and he would find a place for us but I just don't know if I am that adventurous...I guess I just need to think about what I want to do for a BFP. I guess we just need to wait and see when I O..that will make the decision for me! I just hope that I do actually O soon...that would really suck if I don't.
Took an OPK today and it had a light line...at least thats better than no freakin line at all, right??? I just hope this means that maybe, just maybe I will be Oing soon. Ahhh...this may mean that I will be getting in on in places I hadn't dreamed of.
Oh and one more thing. I finally made a dentist appointment, Marcia would be so proud of me. I HATE the dentist and haven't been in a very long time...I am talking like 9 years. I really need to go and finally broke down and did it. I want to make sure that I get x-rays and stuff before I am pregnant too. My appt is tomorrow...did you read that TOMORROW!! I am actually glad that its tomorrow..that way I can just go, get it over with and not stress for weeks on end. Wish me luck because I am going to need it!!!!