Ok so I am finally going to do it…I am finally going to start my TTC journal. I have been reading and rereading so many of other women’s journals that I think it is finally time for me to tell my story. Here are the basics, I am 29 years old (30 in March) and my DH of 5 years is 31. I went off BC in June of 2005 and after a 3 month wait we started trying in September last year. Just to back up a bit, I have always known that I wanted children but been afraid that I would have problems. My mom and her sister have always had female issues (miscarriages, fibroid tumors, etc). So it has always been in the back of my mind that I would have trouble. My husband is in the military and up until this last year he was gone a lot so it wasn’t a good time for us to start a family. I wanted him home for as much as possible during this amazing experience. So that brings us back to Sept of last year. I wasn’t expecting a lot at first, I had never tracked my cycle and have always had irregular cycles. I was right, it took us about 7 months to get pregnant the first time. We were so excited but I was a little worried because I had a lot of cramping. I was 5 weeks pregnant. My friends that I had told said not to worry, some cramping is expected. I made an appt with my primary doctor but when he did a urine pregnancy test, it came out negative. I didn’t know what to think..I was very disappointed. He decided to do a blood test so he could look at my HCG levels but I knew that it was over. I woke up the next morning to find that I had started bleeding very heavily. I talked to my doctor later that day and he said he wasn’t surprised by what I told him had happened, my HCG levels were very low so if I hand’ started to miscarry he knew I would have soon enough. I bleed for about a week, it was horrible. I think the worst part was telling the people that you told about the pregnancy that it was over. That is not a good conversation to have, oh yeah by the way, I miscarried yesterday. ARRGGHHH. My husband and I told ourselves that we would keep it to ourselves the next time.
So, we kept trying and low and behold got pregnant again right away. I was shocked actually but very excited because this one felt totally different from the first one. No cramping, breast soreness, I was exhausted and very gassy. I told myself not to get too excited after what happened the first time but it was hard to not be happy. My husband and I told friends, yes we broke our rule…we just couldn’t help it. I found out on a Sunday and I had to leave for San Diego Monday. I am from SD so I decided to tell my friends in person while I was there..it was perfect. The bad part came on Thursday when I started spotting not to mention I had somehow caught a cold. My flight back to NC was a redeye Thursday night, I was feeling like such crap and had a bad feeling about the pregnancy. I got home the next morning and went straight to bed. When I woke up, the bleeding had returned. Oh, I was so disappointed. I just kept thinking, what the heck is going on? Why is this happening again and at 5 weeks? What am I doing wrong? All of the normal things that go through your head when something like this happens.
I knew that I had to see a doctor and went through the procedure to get an appt with an OBGYN. Little did I know how hard that was going to be. I am sure so many of you will agree that Insurance is horrible! I mean I know we have to have it but it makes getting to a doctor so much harder. Especially when you live off of a base and in a town where not a lot of doctors take your insurance. I wanted to scream. I had to wait 3 months to get into see a doctor. My husband and I decided to take a break during the 3 month wait for my appointment because I really did not want to go through a 3rd miscarriage and we had no clue what was going on. I think that is one of the worst things, the not knowing. It may happen again but it may not, that is the risk that we all take.
This brings me up to last week. My doctors appt was last Monday, the 18th. I didn’t know what to expect going into the appt. I had a new doctor and a lot of things to figure out and as we all know, some doctors aren’t so willing to help find the answers to all of your questions. I met my doctor and liked him off the bat. He was younger and seemed to be actually hearing everything I was saying. Not just sitting there acting like he was listening when in reality they weren’t. Anyway, after I gave him the low down on everything that had been happening, he did the pap and he felt my uterus. He said he couldn’t feel anything out of place. He also scheduled me for some blood work and an ultrasound. The end result was for us to keep trying. He said that until that 3rd loss he didn’t want to do any extensive blood work or other tests. I was a little disappointed in this and I really did not want to go through another miscarriage. I mean who does? I told him as much. He said that really we don’t know what happened the first two times and we really can’t say that it will in fact happen again. My second miscarriage could have happened because it was so soon after the first one and my hormones were out of whack. We just won’t know. I had my ultrasound last Thursday and the doctor should have the results today. I am hoping that they call and let me know the results but I am not sure if they will. They are mailing me the results of all the other tests. With my family history, I just don’t know what to expect.