AF showed today. I should have known it was coming given my hysterics of yesterday. I've been off bcp for 4 cycles and to be honest they haven't been that much different than when I've been on bcp but the cycles just keep getting shorter and shorter and my luteal phase is not quite what it should be. My body seems to be working its way toward some kind of rythym but what I'm not sure. I had just hoped that by now my body would have adjusted to being off bcp. Such is life. Yesterday, with obviously WAY too much time on my hands I started to fear I was peri-menopasal. I mean I had almost convinced myself that at 36 I was entering this stage in my life given the shorter and shorter cycles. I was totally hysterical with fear and suddenly I'm saying to myself "what is wrong with you" and then it hit me like a bolt from the sky. I'm premenstral. DUH. Wow, haven't felt that kind of emotional craziness PMS since before I went on the pills. So AF showed this morning and I actually have minor cramps. The AF's are still not quite what they should be tho they are getting longer which is more in line with my history.
I'm kinda bummed b'cuz dh is going out of town and we will miss my peak days this cycle unless by some miracle I should O on cd 8. But after the wedding, the move and all the work craziness I'm going to just enjoy this next month and hope that with this cycle my body will finally be adjusted. I'll still temp but thats about it.. hmm, I still wonder if I should try this Vitex I heard about. ... Does the moon have anything to do with a woman's cycle? I wonder.
DH and I have only been strategically ttc for 2 months now. He hates it when I announce that I've got EWCM and its time to BD. I think he feels a little used. I must be more discreet about that. I've been whining to DH about my dang luteal phase being deficient but he doesn't quite get what I'm talking about it. He just keeps saying "it'll happen".
I'm so impatient. I guess I just thought, okay I'm ready NOW so let me be pregnant NOW. But it doesn't always work that way. Well I guess its good that at least I'm ovulating. Thats something. Tho the quality of my O's seem sketchy to me...
I'm feeling totally agro today. Just a funk I'm in at the moment.
When I think of ttc I experience such a range of emotions from hope, excitement, fear, disappointment and confusion. I wish I could just not think about it and let happen what will happen but b'cuz I'm 37 next month I just put so much pressure on myself, on us. Suddenly the days and weeks are oriented around where I'm at in my cycle. Pre-O I'm pretty relaxed, in the "fertile days" I obsess over BD'ing and post-O I obsess over whether it happened wanting desperately to take a hpt at 7 dpo when I know it will be negative.... making every twinge, tick and tingle in my body confirmation of the fact that we were successful, even though I know I'm reading into it, knowing that I couldn't possibly feel anything in those early days..OOH, was that a sore boob? prod, prod, prod, wanting desperately to feel a sore boob, knowing that its not at all sore. yeah, sore from all my prodding!! :rofl: I haven't even been trying that long! There are so many wonderful women on these boards, particularly the 35+ site who have been through so much and never give up. I feel so stupid whining about my luteal phase and my whole whopping two months of ttc.
Ugh, I'm 7dpo and already starting to spot. I wish I could hope for the fact that it was implantation but it couldn't be, not this cycle, because dh has been gone too much and it would defy all conventional wisdom if it actually were. Which leads me back to my whining about my luteal phase. I just don't know what to do.. I know these super short cycles are not "normal" for me which leads me to think I should just wait it out, yet maybe I should just call my obgyn and ask her opinion on the whole thing. I've been taking a mega B complex vitamin with B6 in it, thinking that might help but Nope! not for me! If I would even see a sign that it was getting better, even by a day, I'd be satisfied but it seems to be getting worse. Whats next, AF every other week?
Well I managed to keep AF at bay until dpo 11 even with the spotting. I almost made it through day 11 but the witch came... I knew she would.. It was the second day in a row my temp had plummeted.. and usually by the second day is when AF comes.. even though the temps were still above coverline. I do think the amount of spotting was less than previous cycles but maybe thats just wishful thinking on my part. I am inclined to say it was slightly less.. I've got to stay positive, I mean it could be worse, I could have gone to a 22 day cycle and a 9 dpo which was the direction I have been heading now for the last few cycles so maybe now with a 25 day cycle and near 11 day luteal phase things will start to turn around and/or stabilize. Now if only that damn spotting would stop!
I'm just really bummed.. over the last month or so I've had the pleasure of celebrating several BFPs with the fine ladies from my board but recently two have had their hopes dashed... and we are all really hurting for them. Its a total bummer and I'm really sad about it.
I'm not feeling too optimistic about this cycle.. I don't know why but I just don't..which is silly since I really have no reason to be more or less optimistic than any other month... but Dh has a cold and hasn't been up for much, understandably so. I was starting to think I'd O'd earlier today which would be early since I'm only cd 12 but now I think I'm getting O pains on the other side. Plus I've still got EWCM today.. Hmm.. well my temp tomororow will be an indication.. tho if I did O early then I'm really not at all hopeful for this cycle. I'm just not feeling very optimistic which I guess is better in a way b'cuz the other months I've been very hopeful only to get one BFN after another which is really discouraging so maybe having low expectations each month will be easier..
Well I didn't O yesterday as I had thought. Thats ok. Somehow Dh had found life in him by the end of the day so we're not completely out for this cycle.. we'll see..
I just wish I could find a healthy balance between being optimistic and hopeful tempered with the reality that it might not happen "this month" and that it will happen in due time. My mood seems to go from either extreme, hopeful and optimistic eagerly expecting to find that BFP to discouragement and frustration. How do I get to that comfortable place of being cautiously optimistic but not letting it rule my emotions every month..
Back to the 2ww. I just don't know what to think.. we definitely covered our bases so to speak, but I just can't get excited about the idea that this will be the month I finally get a BFP. Its kinda weird, other months I was just so sure it would happen and now this month I just don't...I almost wish I wasn't temping b'cuz then I wouldn't know where I was in my cycle and I wouldn't be walking around ticking off the days until its time for AF or the BFP.. if I didn't temp and I didn't see those temps plummet I wouldn't feel the discouragement.. I wouldnt' try desperately to find that triphasic trend in my chart when its not really there....... .
I've been filling my time getting ready for the holidays trying NOT to read in to that cramp or this twinge..blah blah blah.. lots of family coming through town.. mom, both my sil.. friends of dh I haven't met yet.. Today we bought our Xmas tree. I'm really looking forward to the holidays... next week gotta go to my boss's holiday party. Fun fun, NOT!..
Still waiting and waiting... I hate this part of the cycle.. just waiting and wondering and often succumbing to the temptations to read into everything. Well, my temp has not taken a dip yet. Usually by now (at 5 dpo) my temp has taken at least one dip of some degree but so far its gone up and/or been sustained.. so maybe that means something, yet again it probably doesn't mean anything.. yesterday I had cramps and I thought........oooh maybe this is something?? but it was gas! HA!!!
I'm trying desperately to keep my hopes down.. I'm trying very hard not to be optimistic.. I hate that I have to play these games with myself..