Thread: My journey to motherhood

My temps are a little strange. I had a dip below coverline yesterday which I never ever have..kinda freaked me out at first but today it shot up to 98.0.. which is high for me.. its not necessarily unusual.. I've seen this pattern on other ttc'ers charts but its never happened like that before for me.. If I'm not reading into one thing its another! :rofl:

nothin to do but wait... and wait.. and wait..

Really REALLY AGRO today. My boobs are killing me and my face is breaking out. Whats up with that? Why the heck am I getting pimples when I'm fricken 37 years old! Ohhh wouldn't I just LOVE to read into the fact that my boobs are sore. Yes, I would but at the same time it don't mean a thing until the hag takes a certified hike! Still a day or two away from really knowing.

So I'm walking to work the other day and I see a van which says BFPE on the side. Who knows what it stood for but what I saw was BFP. BFP BFP BFP.. that dang acronym BFP is saturating my brain. Its just too much already!

Happy Monday -- NOT

So last night dh and I are in bed and I turn out the lights, see that the bathroom light is still on, get up, turn it off, walk back to the bedroom and BAM hit my head on the door frame and HARD!.. my brow bone to be more precise... I see stars, dh turns on the light and I go to the mirror to see blood trickling down my face. I of course freak out since I haven't done something like this since I was 8 years old. I almost thought I was going to need stitches. He wraps up my head and we go to bed but of course I'm having visions of bleeding out all over the place or the fact that I'm gonna have some major scar on my face.. in addition to the scar already on the bottom my chin from that 8-year old birthday party where I slipped and had over 2 dozen stitches.. but I digress.

Needless to say I didn't sleep that great. I called the doctor and she still has not called me back. It would be silly to go to the ER now.. fortunately my eye brow pretty much covers the whole gash. Tho I think I'm missing a hair or two .. The more I look at it the more I think its ok -- its just a little swollen and I have a headache.. imagine that!

This followed my incident from Sunday evening.. I was making beef short ribs in a chipotle chili sauce. YUM.. pulled out the pan from the oven and like the dufus that I am I put my bare hand on the handle. OUCH!.. I was wrapped in ice until the show 24 distracted me from my pain. Fortunately that is fine now and I seem to be able to get away without any blisters. Joy.

I've turned into a certifiable klutz this week.

Its 11 dpo. I will confess I took a hpt yesterday and got a B--F--N!.. of course, that was a no-brainer. I don't want to take one today because I know it will be a waste of a test. My longest luteal phase to date since coming off bcp is 12 days. Thats tomorrow. FF says to test Wednesay.
Can I actually wait that long? Temps look good but so what. Tomorrow might be a different story.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

**hmmm, interesting that I chose to use an emoticon with a chandelier falling on its head in my post yesterday ..

I got a message from the old hag.. she's comin and will be here tomorrow.

Back to the drawing board.. I'm at CD 5.. Bummer.. I was so hopeful this last cycle would be it but it was not to be this month.. but hey, I had a 13 day luteal phase which is the longest to date since coming off bcp so looks like that is at least in good working order now. Finally!

I need a bit of a break.. I need to focus on something else for a little bit.. its not that I'm putting on hold ttc - not at all - but I just need to not be so single minded. I've allowed this to consume me these last few months and I need to put things in perspective and accept the fact that this isn't going to happen straight away. I've used ttc as an excuse to get lazy and not exercise.. There are other things I've put on hold because I've thought I'd be pregnant soon and thats just got to stop. I also need to take a little break from coming to the boards so much. I was so happily consumed with planning our wedding this past year and once we got married in October I immediately happily consumed myself with thoughts of bfps and baby clothes. In the process I stopped focusing on other important things in my life and I need to get oriented.. or at least try!

Baby dust to all!

Who was I kidding.. not coming to the boards so much.. HA!

I'm addicted. Thats it. Done. Accepted.

You check in but don't check out ... as us geriatric ttc'ers are fond of saying on our board. He he he ..

Well, I've been trying very hard to put the whole TTC experience into perspective and not let it RULE my every action or my thoughts 24/7. I think I've made a little progress on this. A little. I'm still working at this but I think some progress has been made. I'm a bit more at peace with everything and accepting of the fact this roadtrip has a bit more bumps and curves then I would have preferred...

So....... looks like I'm 2 dpo. Still a looooooooooong way to go. Long long way. I think we have about as good a chance as any other month. Which doesn't really say much does it..

ok, well I guess I better get back to work.

TGIF!!

Dayna dear, I don't know if you are **lurking** these days or not, but if you are and you happen to come accross this I just need to say that you are missed very very much, not only at the Hotel California but throughout .. You were one of the very first responders to warmly welcome me to preg.org and frankly its just not the same without you.. Ok, I said it!.. I'm sorry but you've been on my mind..

Miss you!

I just feel really bummed out today.

DH is in Nigeria for work and I'm missing him.

Our landlord is giving us grief and I'm just not in the mood for a confrontation.

Our duplex is a sty and I have no motivation to clean...

I somehow found myself lurking on a site which I do not visit and was reading about something called a triple test, screening for down syndrome, amnios and all sorts of other tests and acronyms I don't remember and I really got myself scared stiff!! Really scared. I know its because I'm a geriatric and my odds for these things have increased greatly. But I cannot change what I cannot change. My age, despite my lathering of anti-wrinkle cream, will not and cannot change. That is out of my hands. And even if I were younger it would not in and of itself guarantee a quick and speedy BFP nor a successful pregnancy.

Its only Tuesday. Grrr... and

I'm STILL in this 2WW which is torture. The first two weeks before O go by pretty fast..AF even goes by quickly.. fortunately I O a little early or on time.. and then post O.. it drags and drags and drags. Every dpo is like 10 days.... I wouldn't mind the wait if I knew a BFP was around the corner but you don't know and you go back and forth, Am I or Aren't I? Was that an implantation cramp or gas? Does my temp reflect something or nothing? Am I tired because I'm pregnant or am I tired just because I'm tired and dont' get enough sleep! CRAP.

No whining! NO WHINING!




How do I keep doing this month after month after month?? We Women do.. there are alot of strong women on these boards. I'm just a whining tool....... and I need to shut up!


I just feal alot of fear at this particular moment. Fear of not getting pregnant ever, fear of getting pregnant and miscarrying, fear of having a good pregnancy at first only to find out at week 12 you gotta have a D&C.. fear of going to the doctor eagerly waiting to hear your baby's heart beat for the first time and NOTHING. Fear of having a normal pregnancy to learn you have a baby with d/s or something else..fear of having a beautiful pregnancy, beautiful birth, beautiful baby and then.... geez I could go on and on.

I am not normally a person who lets their fears dictate their decisions. There is a leap of faith in everything I do..I'm just a little scared at the moment.

So much in life we have no control over and sometimes its a bitter pill to swallow.

I just talked with one of my best girlfriend's.

She's pregnant again.

I'm thrilled for her. I only wish I could have said "so am I". I'm not jealous. This woman gets pregnant at the drop of a hat. If there is a fertile myrtle out there its her. She has never ever had a problem getting pregnant and always gets pregnant the first time and has never ever once actually tried!. EVERY TIME!

I've still got hope for this cycle. If I am then we would be only about a week apart. How exciting would that be! Either way I will cherish her pregnancy like I have her others.

I have a mild flu and feel like crap.
My dh is gone and there is no one to pamper me! Boohoo!

I'm dpo 10 and of course took a hpt this morning and it was negative. I know its still early. It really pisses me off that I have no self control with these HPTs.

I have not temped since I confirmed O. I definitely prefer that approach to temping every day. Before I would pin too much on every post O temperature desperately trying to find meaning in each day's temps. This time I just didn't bother to know, because frankly once you O no amount of temping is going to make a difference. Its made a hugely positive influence on my mood with regard to ttc'ing. I did temp today and it was 99.1 but I know thats connected to my flu..

Well I am at the point where I should see the writing on the wall in the next few days. I honestly can't tell one way or the other. So many months I read into every twinge tick and tingle and it was never anything so I don't trust at all what I feel. Plus what I feel this time is completely compounded by these fluish symptoms.

baby dust to all!

All in all not such a great weekend.

I have a terrible flu and AF came during the night. Of course it would be the weekend that we have had the nicest weather in weeks!.. instead I've been breathing in my own recycled sick air sucking on popsickles and jello.

I just feel physically awful, emotional and downright exhausted, mentally and physically.

DH says we'll try one more cycle and then he'll get a SA and I'll start making my own inquiries. At least we'll know what, if anything, we're up against instead of scratching our heads each month wondering why nothing is happening. Who knows, maybe we just need more time.. Nothing to do but keep a positive attitude which is very difficult when you've got the flu from hell and raging menstral hormones at the same time.

I vow the following: I will never ever take a HPT again unless I am officially late by at least 2 days. Nor will I buy one until that day comes! My need to take hpts is out of control and I'm sick of spending the money every month when all I do is get one negative after another. I won't even mention the crushing disappointment it also brings.

I also vow to stop lurking on the monthly pregnancy boards. I started lurking on the August 2005 board and progressed to October and it does not do anything to help my mood. I'm happy for all the ladies who get their BFPs and enjoy watching them roll in each month but I vow not to visit them until I get my very own. Its too discouraging, hoping I'll be joining them shortly and then to have to disappear when AF shows her ugly face. I also vow not to visit particular boards that do not pertain to me and my situation as of yet and may only heighten my own deep seeded fears. If and when I have a real need I will then visit the suitable board.

One sick puppy signing off for the day!