Wow, the Finger Lake region is really quite beautiful. We were on Lake Skaneateles and Owasco. Very nice, weather was perfect. But my SIL has three dogs and two parrots. AHHHHHHHH! Total mayhem. One of the birds squawked the entire time.
We went to a bbq on that Saturday night. There was an older couple there (50s) without kids. Not sure if it was by choice or not but it got me thinking about that and I tried to force myself to look that possibility in the face, that a kid might not happen for us. In my heart of hearts I know that one way or another we will have a child in our life but still, I had to acknowledge the fact that it may not happen. Would I be ok? Yes, I think so.. well I have to be. I simply refuse to accept the idea that a childless life equates a failed and lacking life in any way.
All these half-thought out ideas swirled around in my head after several glasses of wine and the knowledge that I should have been entering my second trimester this past weekend. It made me feel a little blue... I need to let that go but its been on my mind quite a bit these last few days.
So........ I'm spotting! Which means that AF is right around the corner. I suppose its entirely possible that I could spot for several days or more since my whole system is out of whack... Of course I see yet another luteal phase that is for sh$# but frankly the whole "cycle" sucks no matter which way you look at it.. But AF is coming and I say bring her on! I'm ready for her.
And the bills just keep coming... I do have pretty decent health insurance so once I get all this sorted out, my portion will be considerably less, but lets see how much it costs to have a natural m/c with no complications and which involves a trip to the ER:
My hospital bill in US$:
Drugs/generic $ .50 (the stupid midol I took)
IV solutions $33.15 (nurse thought cramping was dehydration)
IV Therapy $30.00
Sterile supply $37.45
Emergency Room $365
Drugs/Detail Code $150 (hmm, must be the rhogam?)
Bill from Quest Diagnostics: $1,281.04
(It appears to be a bill for the various samples that my doc must have sent over to the lab after I had my first checkup post ER visit. I also thought I had collected tissue which could be analyzed but it turned out to be nothing). The bill is a bunch of codes and doesn't say what its exactly testing. They tested four items, one of which cost $805.21 alone.
And then, today I get another bill in the amount of $169 from the place that I had my chest x-ray'd 2 years ago. They are billing me for an ultrasound at the hospital. Why? They had nothing to do with it.. The hospital already billed me for my u/s. This is completely crazy if you ask me. I've got to look into this.
So the grand total thus far for having a m/c: $2,853.64
Just what a woman wants to see when she's just gotten her first AF post m/c!
Not much to report really... AF FINALLY came today after a very bizarre cycle. Good riddance. Just as well we had to wait one more month to start ttc again because it sure wasn't gonna happen this month.. But she's here! And now I'm ready to start ttc again!
I'm off to California on Saturday for a week. DH and I will celebrate our 1 year anniversary on Sunday!
Not much to say lately... We ttc'd for the first time this month post m/c. Strangely I've felt pretty calm about it all, at least the ttc part. I'm not anxious at all and when we missed a day of bd'ing I didn't get upset. Its nice to finally have a relaxed feeling about ttc. Now if I were to get pg that would be another story! I know I'll be a nervous wreck! I haven't been temping at all either. I half think I'm having an annovulatory cycle, don't know why exactly I feel this way. I had lots of CM early and O pain but I just am not so sure I actually O'd. Next month I will definitely start temping just to make sure I'm still O'ing.
I'm kinda surprised actually. I didn't chart this month and so around the time I *thought* I was 11 dpo and due for AF I started to spot, which I always always do prior to AF. I took a test and it was negative. And so I thought for sure AF was knockin on my door. 3-4 days later and continued light spotting but no AF I start to wonder. Then the spotting just stops entirely. I didn't feel one symptom WHATSOEVER. No sore boobs, no frequent urination no nothing! So I think what the heck is going on with my body. Am I entering early menopause? Is this more post m/c hormonal wackiness?? So to prove to myself I wasn't pg I took a test and it was a faint postive!
I'm thrilled beyond words that we conceived again so quickly and on the first time trying after the m/c! Clearly whatever hurdles we had had in ttc beforehand have been overcome. I'm now pretty convinced it was DH's prostate meds that were getting in the way, but then who knows, maybe its just a fluke ... but I really didn't think we would be so lucky to conceive the first time trying! DH is thumping his chest about how awesome his spermies are. Funny, because his SA while not dismal, certainly wasn't stellar either but his SA was done while he was on those damn meds.
But honestly I'm terrified to get my hopes up about this only to have all my hopes for the future ripped away again....But I suppose there isn't anything to be done and I will have to wait and see how it goes.
Whatever the outcome we're on this rollercoaster ride again!
At 5 weeks LMP my beta was 1,272. My doc says this is a good start. I'm not so sure. I'm going in for another beta tomorrow. We'll see how and if its doubling. She says she looks for it to double every 72 hours, but I thought it should double every 48 so I'm a little confused. I wish a good beta could comfort me some but last time my betas were good and doubling and I still had a m/c.
But a good start is a good start and is a first step. And for that I am grateful.
The good news is that, provided my betas are doubling as they should be I will get an early u/s due to my previous m/c. Around 8 weeks, not the typical 10weeks so thats good!
I spotted a little after bd'ing but otherwise no spotting. Its terrible how I run to the toilet constantly. I'm out of my mind with fear and dread about the damn spotting.
According to this beta calculator I used online my hcg has doubled every 51 hours. I'm so relieved. I was fairly certain they went up, just from my increase in symptoms alone but you just never know...
The week after Thanksgiving I'll get to have my first u/s at which point I'll be almost 8 weeks. Not too much longer to wait!! Just 2 more weeks!
And........... no spotting!
I'm so happy, and still so nervous. I have no fingernails left. I want so very much to trust that all will go well this time, but until I see a thriving heartbeat on an u/s I'm not sure I can break down this protective wall I've put up around me. But with the betas, I did break through and create a peep hole to the other side.
I'm just trying to go with the flow. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm blessed to even get pregnant in the first place.
And as for measurements I'm right on schedule, 8w1d.
I'm so so relieved. I have been so nervous these last couple of weeks but genereally very hopeful. In so many ways this pg has been so different than last time. For one, no spotting at all and also I'd say in general my symptoms have been stronger and more consistent. So I dared to hope it would go well today and it did.
I know I'm not out of the woods just yet. I wonder when I might finally feel that sense of peace that at the end of this journey I'll be holding a little baby in my arms. At any rate, I'm feeling enormously blessed and lucky to have made it this far. Nothing to do but to take this journey one day at a time.