Feeling a little out of sorts right now, well for many reasons, pg hormones I'm sure are playing a role in this as well.
I don't know where to post anymore. Too chicken to start a pg journal, too chicken to start posting on the PG 35+ site, still not sure if my edd would be February 28 as FF suggests or March 1 or 2 which is more likely. So I'm hesitant to start posting on either of those boards as well until I know for sure which month I would belong.
Next friday won't come soon enough to get my 2nd beta, but I won't get the results until July 5.. o'well.. As always, the ever impatient person. It would just be nice to know that I'm progressing as I should. But what will be will be..
I think this journal is rapidly coming to a close, tho I'm not quite ready to say goodbye just yet.
Got my second beta results. It went up from 138 (the nurse read the 183 incorrectly) to 1,347 just under a week later. My ob/gyn is sufficiently satisfied with the increases and doesn't plan to do any more beta testing between now and and my first visit in a couple weeks.
I got really freaked out over the past weekend with some brown spotting so I railroaded myself into the office on Monday for another beta, feeling terrified that the numbers weren't going to be good but looks like things are progressing ok, and the spotting has stopped.
Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.
I think this may just be my final post to this journal which has been a wonderful outlet for me over these past months while I was ttc.
I had some more brown spotting over the weekend and this morning and was scared. No cramping but just some brown spotting. My first doc visit isn't until next monday but I called and they got me in to have a transvaginal ultrasound. To make a long story short they found a heartbeat, put me at 5w6d and said everything looked intact, no reason for the spotting. Joy and rapture!.. My only slight concern was that the hb was 111, which depending on what you read is either normal or slighlty below normal. americanpregnancy.org says 90-110 is normal for this period, so hopefully all is ok.
I still wonder what did the trick for us this this time.. was it just dumb luck and good timing which allowed us to finally get our bfp? Was it DH finally getting off those meds? The vitex? The two weeks DH took fertilityblend for me? My body finally adjusting to being off bcp? Was it combination of things or did he just have that one good sperm? The mystery of it all!
All the best to everyone and babydust to all!
Its Over. I had a miscarriage over Monday/Tuesday, and well I suppose I am continuing to have this miscarriage with my continued bleeding that will last until???.
I managed to get to 10w but probably the fetus died some time shortly after my first u/s and its taken my body some weeks to figure it out. As my doc said, although we found a hb at 6w, it wasn't "thriving". After that first u/s I did continue to have light spotting from time to time w/out cramping and tried to put a positive face on it as many many women do in fact have spotting and it is nothing, however, I think intuitively I knew something was wrong all along.
I am mostly ok, tho I have my breakdowns. Tho it still sucks no matter which way you slice it. I am grateful for the fact that dh was here when it happened. He travels quite a bit for work and I can't even imagine having to go through this without him. I suppose I am thankful that my body is doing what it needs to do and I won't need further intervention at this point. At least thats how it is looking so far. I suppose I should be thankful that I got pg in the first place, and naturally at that..
I'm still trying to figure out where my head is at and where I need to go, or even how to best process all of this.
I just really feel unanchored at the moment and simply lost.
The bleeding has stopped. It actually stopped by Sunday. I have no pg symptoms whatsoever. Was I even pg? Amazing how quickly my body is reverting to its pre-pg stage....
I had my first follow up doc visit today since the m/c.. it was rather uneventful.. she did an internal and checked my hcg level.. and gave me the ok to ttc once her royal highness shows her ugly face...
Now I'm just trying to manage .... after all this to have it come to such a sad end.. I'm exhausted. I don't know how much effort I can put into ttc. again... well, at the very least I have told myelf to not even think about ttc until the hag shows her face..
so many thoughts and fears come to mind.. I don't have the strength to face them right now
My colleague, who has no idea that I was pg and had a m/c watches All My Children.. And there is a character "Greenly" who, through a series of shenanigans becomes pg through artificial insemination... and then apparently she starts to spot in the first tri, and then she looses the baby.. So my dear colleague whose been away on vacation decides to fill me in on the latest AMC gossip and I'm sitting there hearing this story come out of her mouth and I just about died... what are the odds? I smile and nod but inside I was just utterly destroyed to have to hear about this characters miscarriage happening and pretend that I didn't just have my own a week ago..
and so it goes.... :cry:
My hcg blood test from last thursday indicated a level of 140, down from 15,000 the week prior.. so la di da my body is efficiently reverting back to its pre-pg state. I suppose I should feel pleased at this. It seems as if my body is acting like I was never pg in the first place.. I'm simply shocked at how physically I am recovering from all this so quickly and so well..
I start to think about ttc again and then a whole host of issues come forth and overwhelm me. I need to not think about this for a little while yet. But the only way to really do that is to simply take a break from pg.org. I simply cannot contine to post and to lurk and not start agonizing about ttc, getting the timing right, monitoring my temps, fears of another m/c, fears of taking another 10 months to get pg. Its just too much. How can I deal with all of this when I'm still trying to come to grips with my loss? I'm torn in too many directions.
I think I need a bit of a break..
I'm feeling a bit better these days. Its still hard at times but as each day goes by I feel a little stronger. I'm still trying to put the whole ttc out of my mind for now and just focus on trying to lose the extra pounds I gained while pg... I start to get agro because I realize once again DH and I will have to work around his travel schedule. Its a constant push-pull to make sure he is here during my O days. To his credit he is always very willing to try and accomodate around my O days as much as he can but I never O on the exact same day so its always a bit of a gamble.. I just need to put that out of my mind for now, b'cuz there is no way to know what "schedule" I may be on til the hag comes.
I've been passively temping just to see if I can't get a glimpse of what might be happening with my body but I'm pretty sure to expect the unexpected this cycle.. I've had several days of ewcm and cramping in my ovaries. My temps have been pretty low, consistent with my pre-O temps and today it shot up to 97.5 which would be a decent first Post-O jump if I actually O'd yesterday. Normally I would say yes but I did feel very hot this morning, more so than usual so perhaps its a fluke. I'll have to temp over the next couple days to see.
At this point, I'm just ready for AF. But I think I probably have several weeks to go... The weird thing is I feel very PMS'y, bloated and feel like she is coming any day but somehow that just can be right..
Bring her on!
Well, by all accounts it has appeared I have indeed O'd. Today my temp shot up to 98.0. Since I had not recorded enough temps on FF I did not automatically get the coverline and O date but I'm certain given the temps and lack of cm.
So, the big question is now, how long of a luteal phase will I have...? Will it be shorter, longer, or my normal short 11 days?
At any rate, I'm on the downward slide toward my first AF.
I already know we will miss my fertile days next cycle. And thats ok. While I am definitely eager to start ttc again I don't mind waiting one extra cycle.
DH and I travel frequently to New Orleans, a beloved city for the both of us. We visit annually the Jazz and Heritage Festival. I simply adore the place and am so so sad about what has happened. The Big Easy definitely has a piece of my heart..
Well, tomorrow we are off to Syracuse to visit my SIL. Should be fun and I'll get the whole tour of where DH grew up, we'll kayak on one of the Finger Lakes, and go to the NY State Fair..
I'm back from Syracuse.
Wow, the Finger Lake region is really quite beautiful. We were on Lake Skaneateles and Owasco. Very nice, weather was perfect. But my SIL has three dogs and two parrots. AHHHHHHHH! Total mayhem. One of the birds squawked the entire time.
We went to a bbq on that Saturday night. There was an older couple there (50s) without kids. Not sure if it was by choice or not but it got me thinking about that and I tried to force myself to look that possibility in the face, that a kid might not happen for us. In my heart of hearts I know that one way or another we will have a child in our life but still, I had to acknowledge the fact that it may not happen. Would I be ok? Yes, I think so.. well I have to be. I simply refuse to accept the idea that a childless life equates a failed and lacking life in any way.
All these half-thought out ideas swirled around in my head after several glasses of wine and the knowledge that I should have been entering my second trimester this past weekend. It made me feel a little blue... I need to let that go but its been on my mind quite a bit these last few days.
So........ I'm spotting! Which means that AF is right around the corner. I suppose its entirely possible that I could spot for several days or more since my whole system is out of whack... Of course I see yet another luteal phase that is for sh$# but frankly the whole "cycle" sucks no matter which way you look at it.. But AF is coming and I say bring her on! I'm ready for her.
well, so much for my idea of continued spotting.
I just passed a small clot.
She's here. My first AF post m/c. Almost 4 weeks to the day.
And so it begins.
And the bills just keep coming... I do have pretty decent health insurance so once I get all this sorted out, my portion will be considerably less, but lets see how much it costs to have a natural m/c with no complications and which involves a trip to the ER:
My hospital bill in US$:
Drugs/generic $ .50 (the stupid midol I took)
IV solutions $33.15 (nurse thought cramping was dehydration)
IV Therapy $30.00
Sterile supply $37.45
Emergency Room $365
Drugs/Detail Code $150 (hmm, must be the rhogam?)
Bill from Quest Diagnostics: $1,281.04
(It appears to be a bill for the various samples that my doc must have sent over to the lab after I had my first checkup post ER visit. I also thought I had collected tissue which could be analyzed but it turned out to be nothing). The bill is a bunch of codes and doesn't say what its exactly testing. They tested four items, one of which cost $805.21 alone.
And then, today I get another bill in the amount of $169 from the place that I had my chest x-ray'd 2 years ago. They are billing me for an ultrasound at the hospital. Why? They had nothing to do with it.. The hospital already billed me for my u/s. This is completely crazy if you ask me. I've got to look into this.
So the grand total thus far for having a m/c: $2,853.64
Just what a woman wants to see when she's just gotten her first AF post m/c! :evil:
Not much to report really... AF FINALLY came today after a very bizarre cycle. Good riddance. Just as well we had to wait one more month to start ttc again because it sure wasn't gonna happen this month.. But she's here! And now I'm ready to start ttc again!
I'm off to California on Saturday for a week. DH and I will celebrate our 1 year anniversary on Sunday!
Not much to say lately... We ttc'd for the first time this month post m/c. Strangely I've felt pretty calm about it all, at least the ttc part. I'm not anxious at all and when we missed a day of bd'ing I didn't get upset. Its nice to finally have a relaxed feeling about ttc. Now if I were to get pg that would be another story! I know I'll be a nervous wreck! I haven't been temping at all either. I half think I'm having an annovulatory cycle, don't know why exactly I feel this way. I had lots of CM early and O pain but I just am not so sure I actually O'd. Next month I will definitely start temping just to make sure I'm still O'ing.
If I did O I am in the 2ww.
Here we go again....
Took a hpt last night and it was positive.
I'm kinda surprised actually. I didn't chart this month and so around the time I *thought* I was 11 dpo and due for AF I started to spot, which I always always do prior to AF. I took a test and it was negative. And so I thought for sure AF was knockin on my door. 3-4 days later and continued light spotting but no AF I start to wonder. Then the spotting just stops entirely. I didn't feel one symptom WHATSOEVER. No sore boobs, no frequent urination no nothing! So I think what the heck is going on with my body. Am I entering early menopause? Is this more post m/c hormonal wackiness?? So to prove to myself I wasn't pg I took a test and it was a faint postive!
I'm thrilled beyond words that we conceived again so quickly and on the first time trying after the m/c! Clearly whatever hurdles we had had in ttc beforehand have been overcome. I'm now pretty convinced it was DH's prostate meds that were getting in the way, but then who knows, maybe its just a fluke ... but I really didn't think we would be so lucky to conceive the first time trying! DH is thumping his chest about how awesome his spermies are. Funny, because his SA while not dismal, certainly wasn't stellar either but his SA was done while he was on those damn meds.
But honestly I'm terrified to get my hopes up about this only to have all my hopes for the future ripped away again....But I suppose there isn't anything to be done and I will have to wait and see how it goes.
Whatever the outcome we're on this rollercoaster ride again!
So I got my first beta results finally!
At 5 weeks LMP my beta was 1,272. My doc says this is a good start. I'm not so sure. I'm going in for another beta tomorrow. We'll see how and if its doubling. She says she looks for it to double every 72 hours, but I thought it should double every 48 so I'm a little confused. I wish a good beta could comfort me some but last time my betas were good and doubling and I still had a m/c.
But a good start is a good start and is a first step. And for that I am grateful.
The good news is that, provided my betas are doubling as they should be I will get an early u/s due to my previous m/c. Around 8 weeks, not the typical 10weeks so thats good!
I spotted a little after bd'ing but otherwise no spotting. Its terrible how I run to the toilet constantly. I'm out of my mind with fear and dread about the damn spotting.
2nd Beta taken yesterday: 9,011 !!!
According to this beta calculator I used online my hcg has doubled every 51 hours. I'm so relieved. I was fairly certain they went up, just from my increase in symptoms alone but you just never know...
The week after Thanksgiving I'll get to have my first u/s at which point I'll be almost 8 weeks. Not too much longer to wait!! Just 2 more weeks!
And........... no spotting!
I'm so happy, and still so nervous. I have no fingernails left. I want so very much to trust that all will go well this time, but until I see a thriving heartbeat on an u/s I'm not sure I can break down this protective wall I've put up around me. But with the betas, I did break through and create a peep hole to the other side.
I'm just trying to go with the flow. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm blessed to even get pregnant in the first place.
Stick bean stick!
Houston we have a heartbeat!!: 154bpm.
And as for measurements I'm right on schedule, 8w1d.
I'm so so relieved. I have been so nervous these last couple of weeks but genereally very hopeful. In so many ways this pg has been so different than last time. For one, no spotting at all and also I'd say in general my symptoms have been stronger and more consistent. So I dared to hope it would go well today and it did.
I know I'm not out of the woods just yet. I wonder when I might finally feel that sense of peace that at the end of this journey I'll be holding a little baby in my arms. At any rate, I'm feeling enormously blessed and lucky to have made it this far. Nothing to do but to take this journey one day at a time.