I have thought about starting a journal but haven't until today. For some reason I find the need to write down my thoughts, and find a way to vent, without upsetting DH Scott. - So a little background first.
DH and I have been married 7 months, and have TTC'ing since the honeymoon Scott has a wonderful 16 month old Donovan (posted in my siggy) and we are blessed with him every other weekend, but each time he goes back to his mommy my house seems so empty. It almost always takes me a day of mourning before I put all of the toys away, because I miss him so much. Not only that, but I hate how quiet it is. He is such a joy, and I want to be the mother of my own children, Children that I don't have to give up every other weekend, after only getting to share in him for a couple of days. I know that sounds so I don't know, but that is how I feel.
I started charting for the first time this month. I thought it would show me a patern to my O. In this I have been disappointed, and a little depressed. It looks like this month is a bust - I'm on CD24 with no signs of O other then EWCM and fertile patches. It looks like my body has attempted to O, but for some reason the egg just never left.
My fear is that I have PCOS - I have so many symptoms - skin tags, overweight, excess hair, fatigue, and now anovulatory cycles (something I didn't know I had because I always have periods). I have to see a doctor, but have to wait to be approved from our insurance. What if they don't allow it?
I know the first step is to lose the weight. I just don't know how I am going to do it. Scott likes my curves, but he wants me to be healthy and happy, and I think being thinner is the key to that right now. I'm okay with my weight - but maybe this TTC process is not.
Last night I think was a "last straw" type of thing. BD'ing was so beautiful, and as DH was asleep I started to cry. Why can't something so wonderful result in something even more wonderful. A baby. I know I need patience, but I just can't help it. I ache, I hurt, *Stomp Feet* I want it right now. Okay, tantrum over.
Back to the drawing board. I'm going to buy some OPK this next month, try drinking more grapefruit juice, and I already started taking Folic Acid, I am going to go bue Vitamin B and hope that that helps too. We shall see.
Just as everything in my life I seem to procrastinate. FF gave me a DPO on the 28th day of my cycle. There were so many people that told me AF would stay away for at least 10 days after that, but on CD33 she arrived, with her lovely bags. I had an LP of 5 days - and I've been told that no one has that short of an LP, so either I'm weird - or I didn't actually O like AF said I did.
There was a lot of stress last month. Donovan's mom was having some emotional crisis w/her daughter, and needed my shoulder to cry on. We moved all of our stuff from Kentucky to Missouri (finally after 3 months with no couch and TV- ah, to actually feel like I'm in an apartment). The trip was stressful, I did alot of lifting, straining, and then there was Scott's mother.
I love my MIL, she can be a wonderful lady - but she is so oppinionated, stubborn, and nosy. She rearranged my kitchen for me. DH has 2 ex wives and has kept some pictures of them, I've seen them, he keeps them in his "Memory Drawer" doesn't look at them, but they are there. I mentioned that Scott keeps EVERYTHING including old pictures. The next thing I know she's upstairs telling Scott what I said. She is often doing this. DH says it is her way of trying to protect me - but I feel like it is an invasion, and that she is trying to draw a wedge between DH and I. I think I was being too sensitive (AF arrived shortly after)
It's funny, but as I looked back over my chart I noticed that each time my temp had a rise, and then a fall it coincided with some stressful activity, like my body tried to O - but stress kept it away.
Here comes Month 2 - what shall it hold. I can tell the honeymoon is finally over - BD isn't as often as it used to. Maybe as my fertile CM shows up things will change - at least that was how it was last month.
Yesterday we had a stressful day - MIL called w/bad stressful news and then DSS's mom called with more bad news - and wanting us to bring DSS home early for Easter. Funny thing is that she knew we were going to Arkansas to visit my in laws, and that we wouldn't be coming home until Sunday - and it is at least a five hour journey. The things we forget. What with all the stress I'm sure that O will be affected again.
How can I O if my life is full of stress? I don't know how to relax enough to let my body just relax. I wish someone had a magic wand and could just wave it over my head and all the stressful stuff would go away and life would be manageable and we would be blessed with our own little miracle. Scott has Donovan, so do I. BUT I WANT ONE OF MY OWN.
Paciencia e o chave da vida - Patience is the key to life.
Well, I guess the I should start off by saying that FF is confusing me and that my body is doing so as well. According to FF (and only because I discarded a temperature) I have O'd on CD11 - but if I look at my chart it looks like I possibly O'd on CD13 (which would be better because Scott and I didn't BD for a couple days around then) however my temps are still pretty low, and I am still haveing Fertile CM - I just wish I would have a clear O pattern, and more importantly I wish I would just get PG. Its kind of funny, there have been several ladies who joined PG.org after me that already have their BFP's, and then I think about the ladies that have been here way longer than I have. This journey of TTC can be so long, and complicated for some and short and sweet for others. I know I've only been actively trying now for 3 cycles - but hey - we've been "trying" for now on 8 months. I just want to hold my little one in my arms - is that too much to ask? Sigh
I was talking to my sister today, and asking her about her pregnancies, and any difficulties she might have had. I told her for the first time that DH and I are TTC'ing - when I told her that I was taking my temp she laughed and said "Oh no, you've turned into one of those." I was offended, and for a little while for some weird, odd reason I felt subconscious - and maybe a little silly for going to the lengths I am to have a child. I guess the part that hurts is that she got pregnant when she wasn't planning on it - in fact - her second child was conceived during a "seperation" from her husband, and often during the pregnancy she would mention how she didn't want another child. I used to be able to talk to her about everything - now I feel like I can't and it just hurts so much.
I know that what I am doing is right for me. The last two months watching my body has been invaluable. I've learned more about myself, why I get migraines (I always get them around O time - I have one right now so O should be right around the corner) I've learned so much about my body - and I wouldn't have if it weren't for "becoming one of those". I'm not going to stop - but I now know I can't get the support from my family that I once thought I would.
It's been a while. TTC can be so frustrating. DH and I had a conversation on our way to Kentucky for the 4th of July about TTC and temping and how mechanical it has felt lately. We are working on 11 months of TTC now, and nothing. We are taking a TTC break. No more temps for a couple of months and BD just to BD. It feels nice.
Since I last posted on my journal. Lots has happened. 20 cycles no PG
Yesterday we had to take Donovan to the ER (he threw a fit before his nap and bit through his lip - his mom didn't find out until after his nap. He's fine, no stitches needed). While we were there I saw this mom and her cute little infant and the normal pangs of sadness didn't happen. Instead an incredible sence of peace and well-being flowed through me. The obsession of BD'ing during that "Special window" left, the extreme depression I go through each time AF shows up just melted away. The envy of the women who have recently received their much deserved BFP's left and was replaced with utter joy and contentment for them. It was an awesome, burden lifting experience.
I then started to reflect on some of my other "obsessions". I am obese. While I was at the hospital I saw several people much larger than I am and I was seized with a fear. I knew that if I didn't do something about my weight I would end up too heavy to play comfortably on the ground with my little ones (it is already difficult to get up from the ground). I would be out of breath by running after a toddler. Maybe I haven't gotten PG because my body knew what it would be going through and was rebelling.
After these realizations I decided to come up with a plan. A plan for wellness, and through wellness health and future pregnancy. Here goes.
I am going to lose weight. I am going to stay at peace with myself and I'm going to put faith in what SOOOO many people have told me "when it happens it happens" and no ammount of plnaning, obsessing, agonizing or hopeing will make me preggors. Only time, my overies, and DH's sperm will do that.
-work on relieving stress - I have a workbook on stress reduction that I am going to start using. Did one excersize last night and had the best nights sleep in a long time.
- work on losing weight - watch what I eat, walk a mile every day.
- take my cycles and ovulation each cycle at a time. Take my metformin, continue to NOT take my temp.
-Let go an relax.
Wow, has it really been a year since I journaled? I used to be really good at this, but when you start to slack it just takes awhile to get back in the habbit.
Well, I finally had my doc appt after a year of no insurance. He ran some tests and come to find out I DON'T have PCOS!!!! I do however have one of the symptoms which is probably why I was diagnosed with it in the past. I have Hyperandrogensim. Fun, too much testosterone. I think it is funny but in the past when they have checked my hormone levels they have asked how my sex life is, "wow, you don't have a deep voice" NO, I'm a first soprano hello!!!! I have more testosterone, doesn't mean I'm a male!!!!
Anyways, after wanting Clomid for almost 2 years I am finally going to start taking it starting this next cycle. I'm excited and a little nervous. I want a baby so much and would be happy with one, or two babies but I don't think I could handle three all at once. I only have two arms and I have so much awe and respect for women who have multiples.
I even started dreaming about babies, haven't done that in a long time. I am hoping to lose about 50 pounds and then maybe with the clomid I will finally have my miracle. Sigh - I sure hope so!!!!